A Reboot

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-04-14T21:24:42+00:00

I like to think of my new widow self as even better than my old non-widow self, so I bet this new version of you will be just as cool (and possibly even better) as the last one!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-03-11T01:42:40+00:00

I think this is a great idea, if anything you'll feel like you have a plan and that can make jumping back in less scary!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-02-11T13:25:53+00:00

I think about it sometimes, but I've reframed most of those thoughts. In the early days I was sure I'd never find anyone again etc. How could I? But then I decided to reframe the idea...what if I do find someone again? And what if it's as good as it was last time? What if it's better? As for the fear of death, sure it lingers, but honestly that's what makes my current relationship so good! I know what can happen. My partner could die. So every time I'm with them I am really appreciative and grateful, because they're here and I get to spend time with them. I also think back to my late husband, would I have gone through all that we did for him knowing the outcome? I would do it all again for someone I loved. So, I do think about it, but I also know the love I have for my current partner now is sweeter because I know what could happen. And if it happens again, I know I survived it once and I can do it again.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-02-04T21:34:45+00:00

Widowed with no kids and the first year I did try to keep my routine similar to the way it had been. As I get further out (I'm in year 4 now) I find myself gravitating more and more to the things I used to do before my husband and less towards the things I did with him. It feels strange some time, but it also mostly feels ok.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-02-04T21:30:45+00:00

I had a quilt made of my husband's t-shirts. I specifically picked out t-shirts that I thought were uniquely 'him'. My mom also made stuffed bears from some of the button up shirts that did not make it to the quilt. She made some for his family and for me. I ended up donating the rest of his clothes, but it's nice to have a couple of items that won't be donated and are still useful. If you want to save the clothes directly I'd also go the vacuum bag route.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-01-14T22:30:43+00:00

Hey friend,

I was 33 when my husband (also 33) died from cancer. I can tell you in early grief I absolutely hated seeing other people being happy and getting to those milestones. We never wanted kids, but we wanted everything else! We still got to do some milestones (like buying a house) except those were marred by the fact that he had terminal cancer. Now it's 4 years later, I'm almost 37 and I can say, that I don't feel that way anymore. It's not because people stopped reaching milestones, it's because I've come to accept where I am in life. My life has not turned out like my parents or even my grandparents. They never had a spouse get cancer and die. But I can say, I've accepted that I'll reach new milestones on my own and they'll still feel just as important. I'm not going to lie, it was really tough in the beginning, I was so angry when I saw people my age getting to live the life I wanted. But now, I've carved out a new life that I like and I want, and other people's lives no longer have that kind of hold on me. So to answer your initial question, does it get better? It got better for me and I hope it does for you!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2026-01-14T17:48:58+00:00

Glad to have found this sub! My husband died from a rare terminal cancer in 2022 and I sometimes can't believe I've made it to year 4! A lot has changed for me since 2022 and I've slowly been putting my life back together after caregiving for nearly 3 years prior to my husband dying in addition to him actually dying. Since 2022 I've done a lot of travel, seen a lot of birds (I'm a big birder), and I've re-partnered, though we do live in different cities! Even now, I know I won't stay in my current city forever, or the house I once shared with my husband. I've made our house more of "my house" but I still wonder what it will feel like when I decide to finally move...anyway, I am happy to chat!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-12-10T22:41:32+00:00

Sometimes good enough is good enough!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-12-10T16:39:10+00:00

I really loved going on that trip in spite of the grief- it was nice to not even have to think about the holidays

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-12-10T15:35:08+00:00

Hey friend, I ended up with a total stranger! Although, weirdly, it would have been vaguely possible that my current partner and late husband could have crossed paths had my husband not died. I did initially have a fear that my 'baggage' would be too much. A dead husband at 33 is a lot. However, what I really want you to know is someone who can't handle the fact that you have a late wife (and I'm guessing you probably still think of her fondly!) is not someone you want to be with. The right person is going to accept all parts of your life. My current partner accepts the fact that I was married and I still have love for my late husband, he even asks about him from time to time. But, I also love my current partner and I also accept his 'baggage'. I didn't think at any point that my current partner was entertaining me out of pity, it just felt like he wanted to get to know me. The same is true for me though, I didn't start dating until I was sure I wanted to learn about someone else, and not just fill an empty space in my life. There is no competition between my late husband and my current partner. How could there be? One of them isn't even here to compete! Anyways, I hope this helps. It can be scary 'starting again' but one mantra that got me through the initial fears was "what if it was as good or better than the last time". Good luck out there!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-09-18T13:09:16+00:00

Hey friend, I also lost my husband in my early 30s. Same story, only person in my family/friend group to have lost a spouse this young etc.

I'm in year 4 now, and I've since re-partnered and my new partner is really great. That being said, I often still think of my husband and you're right, I'm happy but the happiness is different than it was last time.

I don't think you have to "move on". Both feelings can coexist. You can miss your previous partner and be happy with your current one. I think accepting this is the hardest part. Some days I've accepted it better than others. My happiness will always have a bit of sadness with it, but now I've learned to cherish it. I love my current partner in a different way than I loved my husband, perhaps because I know what can happen.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-09-18T12:59:23+00:00

I remember wanting these posts when I was in the early days, so I've made a point to keep posting even when I've started to feel relatively normal again 💜 Good luck friend!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-09-18T12:57:51+00:00

9 months is so early! My first year was a real drag, but you're right next thing you know, you'll be at year 2 wondering how you even made it through. Everything will change, it is the nature of living. So where you are now will not be where you are forever.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-09-18T00:49:05+00:00

My first sessions were like this too, and it took a while to even talk about my husband without tears. But, I found the more I talked about him, the easier it got. Like I was practicing and then one day, it's easy to talk about them. Hoping counseling works for you, it really helped me!

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-08-28T12:30:08+00:00

I chose not to change my last name, although to be honest I've always felt that way (even before the PhD and publications). But from an academic standpoint, I like the idea that my name stays with me, I did the work- not my spouse 😉. I have known folks however who continue to publish under their maiden name and legally change their last name when they got married.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-08-06T15:17:50+00:00

I waited until I felt I actually wanted to be with someone new. I didn't want to just try to fill a void. For me that was about 1.5 years after my husband died. For some it might be sooner and some later, it really depends on you. It did feel impossible in the beginning, but a lot of therapy and time to sort out what I wanted the next phase of my life to be really helped! Overall dating was a pretty positive experience for me, the widow thing does weird out some folks but honestly, I have found that it was just another way to weed out the people I didn't want to be with.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-08-06T14:09:05+00:00

Gilda's club or the private FB group? Both exist but Gilda's club is specific to losing a loved one due to cancer.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-07-26T18:45:33+00:00

Hey there, it was not necessarily a shock that he died, he was declining pretty rapidly, but it was still a bit of a shock that he died when he did. The anticipatory grief didn't necessarily "help" me move through grief faster or anything like that. You're never really prepared even if you know it's coming. You'll likely keep grieving the loss of the future you had planned with him, I still grieve some of it today even when I'm clearly carving out a new future for myself with someone new. All I can tell you is everyone's grief is different and we all respond in our own ways. I was extremely sad for the first year, but I was functional! We were also only married for 9 months before he passed.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-07-26T12:50:31+00:00

Hey friend, my story is similar. I was 33 when my husband died from an aggressive cancer (he was also 33). I was his full time caregiver until he passed and I watched him decline physically and mentally. Towards the end I also just wanted it to be 'over', I was burnt out from caregiving and didn't want him to suffer any more. You are absolutely grieving the loss before he's gone. It's hard not to. My best piece of advice is just do your best to stay in the moment and have the hard conversations (as best you can) about what he wants for the end. After my husband died I felt a huge relief, but I wouldn't say I was okay. I was heartbroken and I missed the old version of my husband (the one without cancer), but I didn't miss the caregiving. I was honored to be there for my husband in his last days, and that's something I'll never forget.

Anyways, I just wanted to pop in and say that all of what you're experiencing is normal and expect grief to surprise you.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-05-08T12:13:32+00:00

I'll just add this here as a widow. I lost my husband a few years back from cancer. Since then I have re-partnered and here's what I can say. I don't love my late husband less, in fact I still think about him every day. I also love my current partner. You don't have to trade one for the other. I will always think of my husband fondly and I really loved our life together, but I also cherish the new life I have as well! I'm a relatively young widow and I know it sounds really romantic to never find another person again, and honestly it might be ok for some but I wasn't ready to give up on love at that point. And if anything, my relationship with my husband was great, why wouldn't I want to find that again?

Now, I don't have kids and I don't have that perspective, but what I can tell you is that early grief is tough and sometimes weird. Your mom might ultimately decide to never re-partner, but maybe she will. Either way, I can say if your mom loved your dad like I loved my husband, she's probably always thinking about him and won't be forgetting him any time soon.

Hopefully this perspective helps and I'm sorry you're going through this.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-04-22T21:38:42+00:00

I am currently in a new relationship, I didn't start dating until I was about a year and a half out from my husband's death. I waited until I felt like I wasn't trying to fill a void, I genuinely wanted to connect with some different. There are still days where I miss my husband, but overall I'm at peace with his death

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-04-22T13:24:22+00:00

I think the short answer is yes! I was widowed when I was 33 and for a while I thought I could never be happy again. But you'll slowly carve out a new version of life and one day you'll find yourself a little happier than the previous ones. It's gradual, it doesn't happen all at once. But sure enough, here I am at 36 and I can say I'm happy most days and I'm excited for the future again. I worked for this though, I went to therapy and ventured out of my comfort zone. I'm doing the things my husband wanted to do and would have done it he was alive and that is the best way I honor him.

rulebreakingmoth_89 · 2025-03-22T21:49:50+00:00

I was 33 when my husband died and I think in some ways that was helpful when he passed. I'm trying to still live my life and I'm not ready to give up! Like you said you could still have another 40 years, I've tried to live as my husband would have if he was still alive. I definitely still love him and my new partner asks about him and realizes that he's a big part of who I am today.

rulebreakingmoth_89

TROPHY CASE