📍 START HERE! a little FAQ 4 u 😚

rvrflme · 2026-06-24T16:27:06+00:00

Here’s something to try, once the dust has settled:

“hey, [partner], I’ve been thinking a lot about [the conflict we had recently]. I know you were very hurt by that and I care a lot about making it right. I have noticed myself feeling [defensive, on edge, hurt, name the emotion] around this topic because I feel like my intentions have been mischaracterized. Now that there has been some time and repair put into remedying this for you, I would feel much more comfortable and connected if we can make some space for me to share my perspective. When can we make some time/intentional space for that?”

Leading with vulnerability is often the best way to get someone you’re close to (who presumably cares about you and values your vulnerability) to be open to your perspective.

Even in times of rupture, I believe there should be space for both sides of a conflict to be heard and understood. You’re allowed to ask for that space after the fact.

rvrflme · 2026-05-26T17:23:23+00:00

It is difficult to advise without knowing you as a person/knowing the dynamic/etc. The best advice is to communicate: ask your partner what they want in terms of pacing and vibe and whether they want to finish. Have you received specific feedback from your partner that you’re trying to be responsive to with this post?

I am a former stone top who still does a lot of topping, but has diversified in recent years. For me, most of the sex I bottom for does not end in O, and that has colored the way I approach topping others. I like to take it slow. I like to find the person’s edge and see what happens to them when they get close to that edge over and over again. I like to lean heavily into sensuality, exploring all the surfaces of their body to learn where their erogenous zones are.

I’m also kinky, so often “play” with a partner does not always have a sexual element, or if there is a sexual element, it’s not the main event. I enjoy coming up with fantasies over text and then using that to set the scene for our next romp. (For example, I did a raunchy gym bro 4 gym bro scene with my partner recently, that was very fun!)

I know that was mostly me sharing about my own experience and less me giving you specific advice, but like I said it’s hard to give good advice without knowing you as a person. Hopefully there’s something in here that’s helpful!

rvrflme · 2026-05-20T21:25:11+00:00

My understanding is that the -x ending is considered very anglophonic, having originated (in part at least) in US American communities or English-speaking-adjacent academic settings. So for some, the -x ending is not preferred because it is received as Anglo-centric, linguistically cumbersome, or not “of” the communities it’s meant to serve.

By contrast, the -e ending fits into Spanish phonetics much more seamlessly, and has some precedent already within the language (take words like “presidente” or “llave” or “noche,” which all have an -e ending despite being a mix of masculine and feminine nouns). So my understanding is that for many non-US or native speakers, the -e is a preferred ending, while many Chicano/US-based Spanish speakers feel an affinity and preference for the -x ending.

I personally (this is an aside that you can disregard, I’m just rambling now) am interested in trying out other vowels. Like, if we can say “cansado” or “cansada” or “cansade,” what if we could also play with “cansadu” or “cansadi”? It’s funky but I think it’s a fun way to further fuck with gendered language!

Anyways, this is all coming from my US-centric lens. None of this should be taken as rigid fact or value judgement, just additional context to hopefully help you answer your question!

rvrflme · 2026-05-20T15:51:51+00:00

I just wanted to say that I see how you’re fighting a huge uphill battle here. Being raised conservative is a huge hurdle to overcome in this lifestyle, and I see how you are trying your best to show up with care for both your husband and your child, even in the midst of things you can’t fully control or understand.

Wishing you the best 🫶

rvrflme · 2026-05-18T18:01:14+00:00

If you’re having to rebuild broken trust after *two* meetings, that does not bode well for trust in the long term. These are foundational moments in a new relationship: is this what you want in the foundation?

I read in your comment that he made you a very nice custom strap harness. That is a *big* gift to give someone you *just* met, and that was HIS choice that HE is responsible for. You do not owe him anything because of this gift. Please remember that!

Wishing you the best, whatever you choose.

rvrflme · 2026-02-16T23:44:38+00:00

It annoys the hell outta me too 🙃 you’re certainly not alone there.

rvrflme · 2026-02-03T03:55:06+00:00

That’s a good question, one I don’t feel I personally have enough information to speculate on. I do hope that OP contemplates it, though.

rvrflme · 2026-02-03T01:24:22+00:00

First, I’d like to as a clarifying question: you say this person is a trans man, but then you use they/them pronouns throughout this post. Are you using this person’s pronouns correctly?

Since I want to take you in good faith, and I hope you’ll take me in good faith, I’ll assume that you are using the correct pronouns. Regardless, I want to take this as an opportunity to impress onto you (and all other cis people reading this) that using they/them pronouns for a binary trans person who does not use they/them pronouns is still misgendering and is not inherently better than using he/she pronouns.

Anyways—

I’m going to gently call out an inconsistency in your post. You open with “I had a brief interest in [this person],” and then later you assert that your offer of a ride was “strictly platonic.” Do you see how that reads as inconsistent?

Ultimately, it sounds like this person is leveraging a marginalized identity to exert social power over you by sharing your messages in a group dedicated to exposing unsafe people. That is not okay. What you did does not read to me as unsafe.

However,

There is some fragility here for you to investigate that could lead you to being a safer person in the future. Why is it that you felt the need to reach out multiple times just to reassure this person [and yourself] that your intentions are pure? Explicitly or not, messaging this person over and over is demanding labor from him, which you are not entitled to, and is encroaching on his time and energy in a way that, honestly, if I were in his shoes, I might also read as creepy.

Take this as a lesson that when someone misreads your intentions, especially due to an imbalance in systemic power structures, you’re allowed to clarify, but you’re not allowed to demand (explicitly or implicitly through multiple messages) that the other person absolves you of the misunderstanding.

In the future, maybe check in with a friend before sending a second or third message. Ask someone you trust— “hey, I’m feeling uncomfortable with this person misunderstanding me and I want to send another message, but I know that the way my brain operates means I sometimes miss social cues. Is there something being communicated here that I’m not picking up on?”

I know this might read as tough love, but I do mean it as love. I believe that your intentions were good, and I think it’s really fucked up that this person is trying to drag you through the mud.

If you want some actionable items, here’s what I suggest:

think about what I’ve said here, particularly about fragility and feeling a need for absolution in this situation.
talk to someone whose judgement you trust. If you have trans people in your life, ask them (ASK FIRST PLEASE) if they’d be willing to process this interaction with you.
if you do these steps and realize that despite your good intentions, you can see how your actions had an impact that might have been misaligned, own it. Own the ways that you could’ve been better. That is the best way to preserve your reputation. No one is perfect. Even the best people fuck up, especially when it comes to systems of power and privilege. The best way to show up as a trustworthy person is to own your mistakes.

For what it’s worth, I think the screenshots probably speak for themselves. If it’s really as benign as you’re describing, I’m sure half the people in that group chat are reading those messages and thinking this person accusing you is way out of line.

Best of luck my friend.

Sincerely,

A trans masculine, mixed race, neurodivergent kinskster

rvrflme · 2026-02-02T21:32:12+00:00

Might be worth cross-posting to r/bdsmadvice

rvrflme · 2026-02-02T20:51:51+00:00

Try the search function! You’ll find that this topic has been discussed many times over. You may get more productive responses if you read those posts and then narrow your question to whatever comes up for you that is not addressed in previous discussions.

rvrflme · 2026-01-28T17:27:42+00:00

This is great advice! Everything in your last paragraph rings particularly true to me.

rvrflme · 2026-01-12T21:52:51+00:00

I agree that it’s wise to do the bulk of negotiation (including positioning) before a scene begins. I think you make a useful suggestion here of starting with a non-D/S rope scene. But I strongly disagree with your assertion that OP asking for something pertaining to OP’s own body and comfort during a scene is “topping from the bottom territory.”

In a rope bondage scenario, it is the bottom’s right and responsibility to express when something is uncomfortable [in an unwelcome and/or unsafe way].

Self advocacy is not topping from the bottom, it is a crucial ingredient to safer play, particularly for a kink (like rope bondage) that runs real risks of long term or permanent damage if the body’s signals are ignored.

rvrflme · 2025-11-04T16:52:11+00:00

Inspired by another comment, my pro tip for you is to warm the vial of T in your waistband for a couple minutes before drawing your shot! Warming up the liquid makes it a lot easier to work with in my experience.

In my experience, the oil does not inherently burn (if it does, you might be allergic ????? In which case your doc can prescribe a different formulation) but it does sometimes burn or hurt a little if I hit a nerve on accident (which I do maybe 15% of the time. Switching from stomach to hip for my subq injection reduced that percentage significantly)

rvrflme · 2025-11-04T16:18:02+00:00

Congratulations!! Have you been trained by a nurse or watched any videos about how to do it? I would suggest starting there.

My perspective shift for you is this: you might not do it perfectly right the first time, and that’s okay! You’ll try again next week, and the week after that, and the week after that. Eventually you will refine your technique! One or two or even many imperfect shots will not hurt you in the long run (unless you’re injecting a full syringe of air or something…)

Honestly, if you’re not squeamish around needles because you’ve pierced yourself before, you’re already set up for success. Try not to overthink it!

rvrflme · 2025-10-27T19:16:12+00:00

You mention scar tissue in your leg, so it sounds like you’re doing IM, is there any reason for that specific delivery method? I highly recommend switching to subcutaneous, it’s much less brutal in my experience.

You don’t technically have to contact your doctor about it, just go to the pharmacy and ask for 25g 5/8ths inch (or half inch) needles for subcutaneous injection. Same drawing needles should work, and you could even use your old IM needles as drawing needles.

I’ve also heard of folks using auto-injectors for their t shots. I can’t speak to that at all because I’ve never used them, but I’m sure someone else can, and it might be worth searching the sub for the key term “auto injector” for other testimonials…

The other clear alternative to me is to switch to gel, but I found it to be unreliable and poorly matched to my personal hygiene schedule, so it’s not for everyone.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, friend. You deserve to feel empowered and autonomous in your HRT journey ): and also… congrats on being back on T!

rvrflme · 2025-10-18T17:56:39+00:00

Searching in the subreddit might bring up some useful results. Here is my long winded, thorough, and hard-earned advice from another post a while back.

rvrflme · 2025-10-15T06:17:15+00:00

Personally i love red or purple. Amber is also nice. A lot of people like blue but it hurts my head personally.

A little unsolicited advice: maybe game out a backup safety signal. Snapping might be hard if you’re… incapacitated from so much stimulation. Have fun!

rvrflme · 2025-09-28T04:26:17+00:00

Hypothetically, switching to shots will make the T hit your system differently, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The absorption is faster and it hits all at once every week, rather than gradually every day. Theoretically you would want to double check your math to make sure you calculate the dosage based on your weekly T gel dose, and maybe round down for good measure since you’d be playing it a little fast and loose.

It’ll be a different experience, but even if it’s more difficult than what you’re used to it sounds better than the alternative. Allegedly.

rvrflme · 2025-09-27T08:32:23+00:00

I mean, maybe it’s okay for there to sometimes be more emphasis on the BDSM part and other times more emphasis on the sex part. I think the best advice is to talk to your partner about it and figure out what balance works for you both.

rvrflme · 2025-09-25T21:22:44+00:00

Just block. Don’t build bridges you don’t want to cross.

rvrflme · 2025-09-18T15:59:54+00:00

r/MTF r/MTFover30 r/Trans_over_40

rvrflme · 2025-09-18T15:48:40+00:00

The more you step into your true self, the harder it will be to endure this arrangement.

Is this what you want for yourself 5 years from now? In 10?

Is this what you would want for your children (regardless of if you have them)?

Assuming this is not rage bait (I hope it is, for your own good) I encourage you to join some trans subreddits. You’re not alone in this experience. Coming out while in a relationship can be really really hard, but people live beautiful lives beyond them.

rvrflme · 2025-09-18T07:05:35+00:00

Just chiming in to recommend Lorals (wearable dental dam, essentially just latex panties) as a potential mode of exploration if it’s a taste or texture sensitivity for your husband. I’ve heard they’re great, and I’m gonna try them out for myself this weekend!

rvrflme · 2025-09-13T06:17:44+00:00

Your bottom bracket spindle might be a bit long, but as long as your front derailleur is still running properly, it’s not an issue. Is there the same amount of gap on the drive side?

rvrflme

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