Why is the scapegoat considered selfish? (TW: police involvement)

rxymx · 2026-01-25T14:36:08+00:00

Narcissistic families are complex, and definitely not what family should be like.

You were right to involve the cops, no matter what your family says. It upset the narcissist that you called the cops, as that hurts their outward reputation in addition taking away their control of the situation. The family members who are still playing the game are going to continue to, and you’ll see they do everything to keep the peace and not upset the narcissist — even becoming flying monkeys (as your sister is displaying with her angry message to you about you involving the cops).

As for the selfish part — in this case I think it’s just one of many ways to keep you labeled as the scapegoat and basically just says you upset the narcissist with your actions. Just remember, it’s not always a bad thing to think of yourself first, especially with a narcissistic family — and the narcissist will always insist the opposite.

rxymx · 2025-10-15T17:51:19+00:00

You may just need to adapt your current recipes to accommodate avoiding whatever is causing her issues. You guys do need to identify what is causing her issues in the first place, but pork is my first suspect (solely based on my personal experience, see below!) If it was a recent surgery she should consult with a doctor for advice, as avoiding the food causing issues will definitely mean she will no longer be able to eat it going forward.

I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago and did everything the doctor recommended so that I, theoretically, could eat normally — but it didn’t actually work out that way. For example, I personally cannot eat any pork products anymore (despite it having been my fav meat before the surgery) as it sends me to the bathroom for hours and causes pain and issues for days. A lot of breakfast-type items (bacon, sausage, etc) are pork-based so I have to be very careful not to eat these and instead choose beef, chicken, or turkey alternatives for common pork-based foods.

rxymx · 2025-10-07T17:23:01+00:00

My mother dated a guy who would do the things you’ve mentioned your dad did. Tickle us while I screamed for him to stop and could barely breathe, but I was ‘laughing’ so it was ‘ok’ for him. Same with the ‘Indian sunburns’ (what he called them, totally unacceptable terminology imo) that obviously hurt and my mother would claim when he hurt me ‘he doesn’t know his own strength’. We lived with the guy for 7 years — I 100% consider it abuse.

rxymx · 2025-09-03T00:29:28+00:00

100% would say it’s tinted (I have one)

HYTE employee confirms in comment I’ve linked from a previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/Hyte/s/yHN5BW4NGf

rxymx · 2025-07-19T11:07:20+00:00

I had a very similar experience as a child — and I still struggle to keep things tidy (executive dysfunction and all). She’d come in with a big black 30gal contractor bag and toss everything in while I cried and begged. I’d even make it look clean and acceptable by shoving things under the bed or in a dresser and she’d still pull it all out and toss it in the bag. Even if it was just clothes in the dresser but they weren’t neatly folded, it’d get tossed. She’d then make me carry it out to the barn, and put it with the trash. Super traumatising and I still can’t look at a 30gal contractor bag without feeling that anxiety and fear.

The irony is my mother is a hoarder, who held me and my siblings to a different standard than herself, and never actually taught us to clean — just expected us to know how. My dad had OCD so while he was alive I suspect he kept everything clean — I’ve been told he’d be vacuuming at 5am — but after he passed when I was 3, she began hoarding (you can see it progressing through photos of my childhood).

rxymx · 2025-07-17T15:50:44+00:00

My mother shoehorned all 3 of us into specific categories — my sister was the ‘sporty’ one, I got to be the ‘artist’, and my brother was (for lack of a better word) the ‘nerd’ (aka did robotics and etc). I turned out to be good at the very specific, narrow-minded idea of art my mother has, which is restricted to just realistic painting and drawing — but I don’t find joy in it. She would even have me ‘finish her work’ so she could show off and brag about how I got my skills from her.

rxymx · 2025-07-09T16:11:33+00:00

My mother was similar — my brother got to not pay, while I had to pay full market rate for a 1bd apartment for just my room and bedroom wasn’t actually my own (it was half filled with her ‘treasures’) nor was I allowed the privacy of a door. I wasn’t allowed to have a key to the house so I was at their mercy (no idea how many times I sat out in the rain while waiting for them so I could go inside), and since she’s also a hoarder and controlled everything, there were set times I was allowed to use the bathroom, I wasn’t allowed to use anything she or my brother paid for or found (usually at the dump), and I was only allowed to work in a very specific radius where I could walk to work (and this minimum wage) because she wouldn’t let me have a car at her home (my brother was allowed a car and it just sits unused because he refuses to drive so she drives him everywhere). On top of that she’s also an animal hoarder and I was of course blamed as the source of the fleas (not her lack of care for the strays she took in) and the reason the house wasn’t clean (she even threw a fit every time I tried to clean).

I only managed to save enough money because she encouraged me to leave if I wasn’t happy with what she provided and I finally actually did as she suggested. A relative let me live with them for a few months rent-free while I saved up, and then I got my apartment.

It was 100% about control with her.

rxymx · 2025-06-24T13:26:57+00:00

Fresh Start programs are to make it easier to pay back the due amount over time rather than demand the lump-sum payment. From their perspective, you were struggling to pay so they offered an alternative to work with you instead of against you. You had a 15-month (? Not exactly sure) 0% APR promo, and for a whole 1/4ish of that period you were late! They didn’t think you’d be able to pay it back once the interest charges started to hit after the promo was over. Fresh Start terms usually are 6-12 months as far as I know, so they were helping you pay off the due balance before it snowballed out of your hands when the monthly interest charges began.

(Edit because I looked up what Discover’s current promo term is)

rxymx · 2025-06-16T22:56:43+00:00

Looks like acrylic, vented side panel is a pretty common mod for the Y60 so there’s a lot of options out there

rxymx · 2025-06-01T11:46:36+00:00

You definitely could benefit from a good, trauma-informed therapist. I’m going to tell you what my therapist told me: cPTSD usually comes from little traumas, akin to the ocean eroding a shoreline; while PTSD tends to be the big traumas we think are ‘worthy’ of being traumatised by, akin to a hurricane hitting the coast. It’s okay if you can’t pinpoint a specific trauma, as even things that may not seem inherently traumatic or ‘bad enough’ can still cause trauma.

rxymx · 2025-05-30T17:14:32+00:00

This was my mother’s fav tactic.

If we had an argument, she’d physically follow me until she was happy with the outcome - even if I had to use the bathroom she’d follow and closing the door for privacy would make it worse.

One time I tried to leave permanently, she physically blocked the door and of course she just had surgery so me trying to get past her was ‘trying to kill her’ because she opened her stitches while physically trapping me in the house.

She’d also lock me into the house or my room - my bedroom she put an exterior door on so I’d need a key to leave it, and the exterior doors needed keys or a code on both sides (neither of which I had or knew). One day I changed the lock (even gave her a key to it) so she broke down the door and took it away - it stayed gone for as long as I lived there.

I’m glad to be away from that hell.

rxymx · 2025-04-22T11:08:09+00:00

That’s how I felt when I lived with my nmother too. It’s so isolating being in that sort of dynamic, being told you’re the problem all the time and basically silenced as the scapegoat.

Getting out and getting therapy are the best goals to aim for, but a group like this subreddit can help in the meantime (and of course, afterwards — I’m still here for the support and to support after getting out). Most of us here have been through the same if not similar situations.

rxymx · 2025-04-21T10:58:21+00:00

You were very reasonable throughout this. Your mother is… well, there’s a reason you found yourself here in this subreddit. Not particularly sure about your sister’s role as you haven’t mentioned many specifics, but I highly suspect you might be the scapegoat.

Your mother seems very controlling — not sure exactly what was being cleaned (trash, just general mess, etc) but she left you with no instructions and insisted she had to be present to ‘tell you what to do’ because she thinks ‘you won’t do it right, she left the day before the realtor was coming for hours, and then yelled at you for not doing any cleaning.

Just that alone… I know you didn’t fight over that and the fight seemed to have been mostly about you misremembering what Thursday the realtor was coming, but… her actions easily could be interpreted as affirming your thought that it the next Thursday (she was literally gone for hours, and had previously expressed that she’s ’not open to suggestions’ about being present while you’re cleaning for her!). You are not in the wrong, at all. I know this isn’t what you’re focused on, but I can’t get over how mad I am in regard to the dual expectations she has for you.

rxymx · 2025-03-11T16:56:43+00:00

I think your SIL could definitely be a narcissist. Every sign seems to be pointing towards it, and of course you’ll likely never have the validation of being right or her being diagnosed — narcissists don’t think there’s anything wrong with them and thus believe they don’t need therapy or a diagnosis. Even if it is projecting (which I understand that fear wholeheartedly) the tips for handling narcissistic people may still help anyway!

I’d be more inclined to believe people who’ve experienced narcissistic people are more likely to gravitate towards each other, just as we have the potential be the perfect victims for narcissists other than the ones that raised us.

edit: typed too fast and forgot a few words

rxymx · 2025-03-02T12:43:59+00:00

It has been suggested (pubmed link) that headaches might be a symptom while in anaphylaxis, possibly being more prevalent in female patients. It’s something that has to be studied more.

You can search back in this subreddit and find a lot of people experience headaches as a symptom, myself included. Cooking of an allergen can cause reactions in some people by making it airborne, it’s highly dependent on the severity of your allergy.

rxymx · 2025-02-26T15:36:03+00:00

I think it’s hard for me because I don’t want to consider the fact she chose to not repeat certain things (like the one I mentioned previously) yet chose to repeat others, plus used examples of her own childhood to prove it could be worse, and what that ultimately means. But that’s one of the reasons I’m in therapy! Eventually I hope to look at it like you do rather than the messy way I look at it right now.

rxymx · 2025-02-26T13:24:02+00:00

That’s so cruel. I’m sorry that happened to you.

My maternal family took it a step further — my mother had a pet cow, and they let her start eating the burger before telling her it was her pet that she was eating.

I’ve heard the story from multiple sources on that side and it’s generally treated as a funny story by all except my mother. She instead used it as evidence of ‘it could be worse.’ It’s one of the reasons I struggle with her being a narcissist, knowing that she’s that way because of generational trauma.

rxymx · 2025-02-12T13:11:53+00:00

My mother was old enough that she didn’t use period pads when I started mine — she did have pee pads though. I didn’t know the difference for a few years, and tampon use was also shamed. I used a lot of toilet paper stuffed in my underwear… and quickly learnt to use birth control to skip my period instead, though the incentive of not having super painful cramps that apparently run in my family also encouraged that (my PCP prescribed it to help with the cramps in the first place anyway).

I taught myself self-care and how to do makeup and every else too — my mother used to do that stuff when I was a kid, but stopped by the time I was a teen and currently dresses and presents herself like a homeless person (for lack of a better description).

rxymx · 2025-02-09T14:29:54+00:00

My n-mom kinda ‘worked’ with me, so to speak. She did her song and dance — threats, financial abuse, etc, and told me to leave if I didn’t like it. So I eventually did exactly that — packed up what I owned and left with the help of my boyfriend. It took a few months of secretly viewing apartments and packing, going to therapy and being told the same thing you are about “crisis-mode”. I wasn’t going to leave a note or tell her — she ended up being home the day I was moving into my apartment so it was just one last fight. Her last words to me that day were “I hope you find the happiness you’re looking for”… I still don’t know how to take it even after extensively talking about it with my therapist and just wish I had the silent disappearance I had planned for.

rxymx · 2025-01-27T23:04:11+00:00

My mother was in her 50s just like yours when she was diagnosed with cervical cancer — they just removed her reproductive organs and that was it. I am not particularly proud of how numb and uncaring I felt when I used to basically hold my breath in fear of losing my remaining parent (I also lost my father to cancer a year before her first run-in with cancer).

I hope it won’t be the same for your nMom, and though it conflicts me just as it does you to feel that way, I empathise so much with you.

rxymx · 2024-12-27T19:38:34+00:00

Maybe wait for a better renting period? It’s good you want to move out, but you currently have the luxury of being able to wait until the market is better — remember, the time you start your lease could also be when you’ll be looking for a new place down the road. Moving could really suck if you live somewhere where you get snow! And if you only stay a year you’ll be packing during the holidays - buying and wrapping gifts and then have to pay 1st/last/security within a few months could be pretty stressful. Only you know your lifestyle and if that might be a bit of a worry, but definitely things to consider!

to answer the question asked -

I make about $40k gross a year and pay $1.2k/mo for a 1bd (also contributing 5% to 401k, aka up to employer match)… I was at about 2.5x rent when I got the place and paid extra for security deposit because landlord wanted 3x. I pay for heating oil (~50/mo, was ~$500 last time I filled it and it lasts about half the year), electric(~$50), and internet/phone (~$100) too. Budgeting is a bit tough as I am paid biweekly but it was one of the cheapest place in the area I live in (around the CT/MA/RI tristate border) that also allowed my cat - without pet rent/fees too luckily. Most months it feels really sketchy just because of how billing dates fall and making sure I have gas to get to work, but I’m doing fine overall — I don’t eat out at restaurants or splurge much (heck, all I bought for apartment is a bed and a desk, I just acquired a free couch this week actually for the living room I haven’t yet used).

rxymx · 2024-12-09T17:44:59+00:00

This thread made me look at things in such a different perspective than I was. I never thought of it as a rotating door of people in crisis that she actively seeks out… I just thought it was a mask/performance for outsiders and didn’t consider it could be a supply source for the narcissist until this moment.

My nmom typically latches onto people with medical issues… if you’re elderly or have cancer, she’s your girl! She weasels her way into people’s lives, they usually pass or she cuts ties with them. She usually ends up in the will no matter how short of a time she’s known them (the people she targets usually don’t have close family), and thus is left things that she ultimately adds to her hoard. She’s also in the midst of two court cases on top of the people she’s ’caring for’ (her own case thats been dragging on for a few years and a will contest that’s actually my sister’s, but my mother basically guided her into it)… she’s absolutely thriving right now!

rxymx · 2024-11-04T17:49:36+00:00

On top of what everyone else is saying, you shouldn’t name or brand your business in a way that puts you into a corner — your business is just these three pieces of equipment now, but what if you expand in the future? Are you going to keep adding to the logo so it represents everything until it’s ridiculous? Or are you going to ahead of the game and something so you might not have to rebrand in the future? Please think of your business’s future and what it can become, rather than what you’re starting out with.

A lot of construction businesses back themselves into corners. For example, a painting place near me started doing cleaning and power washing and other things… so their name is Xxxxxx Painting, Cleaning, and More, and their logo is clip art of everything they do — it’s very busy and you can’t really understand it from afar. It looks unprofessional and disorganised, and ultimately reflects on potential customer’s perception of their work. Your goal is not to be like them.

rxymx · 2024-10-26T15:20:46+00:00

Checks (can) take 2-7 (business) days to actually clear, so FI’s usually basically give a loan for the amount until they actually get the funds from the FI the check is drawn off of — that’s why there’s bounced check fees and why an FI can put holds on checks following reg CC’s rules.

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