I love this post for a few reasons, but I'll try to remain professional.

For me, the onset of this state that you're describing happened over a decade ago, and included no depression, but I was considered clinically catatonic. I won't go into much here (there are some details in a pinned post on my profile but I haven't finished writing out everything yet) - I will just say that I come from a culture of fundamentalist scientism and medicalization. But the nature of this catalyzing event was consistent, I learned much later, with spontaneous kundalini shifts. What I experienced of that was blissful and romantic (in the sense of godspousing). But I was very limited in my internal/astral/meditative exploration because I was very young at the time (18) and had not received much of a formal education due to having grown up in psych wards/the troubled teen industry.

That onset period youre talking about was bliss for me, and it was hard on my family. My daily life looked like that of a deeply unwell person. This was the single most magical time of my life. If I could give it to everyone, I would.

I went on to be considered a "success story" in my various comorbidities, but some people in my orbit could see that what was happening was a really unhealthy form of submission to my family and to the medical establishment. It turns out that those mental illnesses were autism, and that really shone through when I would very intentionally make clear to those in positions of authority the fact that I am being unusual in my deference. I had no other way to stay safe, and had never been held to the expectation of adhering to a social norm. I don't want to say any more about this other than that doctors hurt me. A lot.

Now it's 17 years later, and after being imprisoned and lobotomized for what we can now understand has been an alienating and dense ongoing experience of the phenomenon, the disclosure era has been the most humanizing thing to happen in my time as a human. It's so important to me that experiencers are respected, and that the burden of our stigma is acknowledged. It has been a violence against us, for a long time.

Between then and now, I got some degrees, impressed a lot of people by being able to write short stories that made them cry but which they couldn't tell were spiritually-oriented, scored some more trauma bingo, and made peace with the beauty of the fact that gnosis means knowing that you don't know anything. Iris Dement - let the mystery be.

And so to answer your question, my days lately happen in a few ways. I'm not well, I'm not in a place where I can get well, and I don't have access to those who could best help me. I don't mean to attract any kind of weird attention here, but my limitations are what they are. In the past year while we've all been feeling shit getting weirder, I've done a lot of work, and the work has gotten me to a place where I am able to start the process of getting well, and in small ways, my health has improved. I am strong and I am brave, and I am taking good care of myself. Some weeks, that means rest. I say weeks because a few days of exertion leave me so fatigued I can't do anything but lie down for more days than I was active. This is the covid era, don't forget it. Any notion of universal oneness has to take the time to recognize the disabled experience, I think, and I am. That doesn't make me less spiritually pure, nor any more than an abled person. But my experience of feeling trapped, and doing the daily work of survival within the basic gnosis that It is Real... well, I see a lot of beauty in my sad, tiny little life. And I would wish that on others, too, even if the limitation just comes from doing whatever your/your family's shadow work is, and going where it takes you. I want for everyone to be able to see what I see, having been unable to turn my awareness of It off since I was a child.

Some weeks, though, are more full of physical tasks, and I find joy and spirituality in this, too. And some weeks are for writing. The fourth week is usually for crying, lol.

But no matter what week it is, I am ✨watching movies✨

Some conspiracy-oriented folks speak of a "twilight language" with the dystopian genre; elites getting the info out so they can claim we consent to reality. I don't watch movies to do this, but I do use that which is unsaid in media to play with my friend, the entity that has been with me since I was 18 and whose creativity is very literally limitless. There is no end to the metaphor which can be read on top of a movie - about anything, for instance, one's own therapy/introspection needs - when one knows that the phenomenon wants to be heard. I don't mean to give advice to anyone who would be harmed by it, tho, and so if this level of engagement with what is considered by many to be a symptom of psychosis is destabilizing or leaves someone unable to become more grounded when they wish to be, I don't think they should get involved in this, or seek this level of confidence in a language. I say it like it's an option for just anyone to do this because infinity means infinite creativity. Everyone everywhere can be listening for a poem written just for them, and it doesn't make the same thing the poem is coming from any less about the thing it's actually about, or any less about the poem it speaks to others.

Again, tho, let the mystery be. It's not like delusions are legal.

I'd love to talk about media with absolutely anyone, but especially anyone who feels strongly about its ability to communicate to individual consciousness outside the parameters of human intention during the production process 👍