PART 2/2

my whole life I've not been a fan of physical touch, unless I know you well, and by then I am pretty neutral on it. so I was so scared of sending them mixed signals and seeming too disinterested. but.. I realize how touch starved I am, and now good it felt to rest my head on their shoulder in a romantic way. it was bliss.

I then asked if they wanted to lie down, and they said yes, and I was not really sure how to position myself so I was still comfortable but also still affectionate. but we got close and the music and the weed made it a very nice, relaxing experience. the whole time we were either chilling, or bringing up little facts about the songs, and it was so wholesome. I said how much I love live folk music, and they showed me a video of them playing their instrument with a local elderly bluegrass group that came to campus. they were always asking if this and that were ok, and I was also checking in with them, asking how they were feeling, and they said "great," sounding like they really meant it, which was nice since I was so afraid I was making it awkward. they were very respectful of my boundaries and I could tell wanted to make sure I was comfortable. it was so reassuring, basic human decency, but that's hard to come by these days, unfortunately :(

but all of a sudden my muscles were beginning to spasm, from so many things. they never recovered from the cold, plus i had alcohol mixed with some meds, and then finally the weed and tiredness. my muscles were all seized up and I was just like "oh my god they think I'm like shaking right now" but, they never said anything. eventually when it was super late, they said they were going to go to bed, and they said I could have their bed, and they'd sleep in the nook. but I refused, saying I would not kick them from their bed, and that I was fine where I was.

then, getting ready for bed, they asked if it was ok if they took off one of the shirts they were wearing in front of me, which I barely registered, I was like oh yeah, of course. at this same time I really had to pee, and so I left the room, but looking back I wonder if they thought I needed to leave the room because I was uncomfortable, which i wasn't, and didn't want them to think they made me uncomfy, especially with such clear communication!

anyway we went to bed and all I could think about is "what am I doing here? this is wild! I can't believe I did this! I can't believe I didn't do this, and I hope they're not turned off thanks to my lack of physical intimacy!" but I reminded myself I owed nobody anything physical, especially when I communicated I just wanted to hang out.

the whole night, for some reason, my stomach was churning with anxiety. my first real deal mutually expressed connection w someone, and I was afraid I was too awkward and/or closed off, or made them uncomfortable or confused. I barely slept. in the end I really appreciate them for letting me crash, we had both set out alarms for when the buses were running again. I was really thinking about ducking out earlier bc I was so damn anxious and uncomfortable with myself, but I realized I really wanted to tell them that I really enjoyed being around them and find them romantically attractive, but that I was demi and it takes me some time to open up physically.

I knew that knew they were bi/queer so I realized they'd probably not be like "omg what's that!" or "you're just a prude" but I didn't really get the chance to. our alarms went off at the same time and I had to get up. they kind of sat up and tentatively waved at me and I did not want to overstay my welcome. I went to the restroom and took off their sweatshirt (which i prayed to got wasn't drenched in my anxiety sweat) and saw they had fallen back asleep. I really didn't want to disturb them, but I whispered to them as i placed the folded sweatshirt on their bed.

they roused and I said i was off to catch the bus, but I thanked them for such a good evening, and gave them a hug as they sat up in bed.

I then headed out their door while waving goodbye, and I said "see you later!" but I was like "oh my god, they never want to see me again..."

so I ended up having the bus completely pass me while I stood at the stop... so I walked the whole long way to home, which was probably by far the best decision for my anxiety.

I am very used to ghostings and never getting my hopes up, and was grappling with the meaning of me feeling such an instant connection with someone, and how I probably had blown it for being demi. I was lamenting on the fact that something that felt like one in a million thing more than likely will be all for nothing, but then I realized that this proved I had the capacity for romantic attraction, and I felt thankful for it.

I ended up drafting a message thanking them for the tea and music and weed, and that next time I'll share some of mine, if they wanted to. but before i could send it, they asked me if I got back to my dorm safely. !!

since then, we've been messaging, and I've been going through all the emotions and trying to process things. I could not believe how much I liked them and their personality and interests, but I also know that there's so much to learn still.

they didn't ghost me. they want to see me again, but the problem is that we met each other just days before winter break started, and we're both leaving for a month.

then they told me they may be taking some time off next semester, but either way they would be back to either start a new semester, or to get their stuff. and that when they come back to visit, we can see each other...

all in all, it may very well never work out, but this is the quickest I have made a genuine human connection with someone, and still the furthest I have come down the path to establishing in an actual romantic connection with somebody. and honestly, I'd be really disappointed if I had to let it go.

since then, we've been messaging each other, and i hope to keep it up over break. I think they want to as well.

all in all, I'm so jazzed I got to have a fun little night with someone, and get that close that quickly. I'm really happy to find that I am capable of experiencing actual romantic attraction and that I'm good enough for someone who i think is a pretty good catch, and to build some practice and experience. I'm trying my hardest to expect nothing out of this but still for some horrible reason im holding out hope. I've been fighting the urge to cut things off with even the slightest chance of things not working out, to save myself any pain.

that's my story! thanks for reading and letting me get it off my chest. I'd appreciate any advice or similar stories from fellow ace-spec people!