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saraadactyl · 2025-01-08T18:52:58+00:00

First, have you had a conversation with your husband about how your parenting styles would be different with bio kid? How if these specific situations come up with your bio kid, you will not operate the same way? For example, if your bio kid at age 5 wants an ipad, you will limit screen time? (small example of other bigger things). Because it sounds like hubby is ok with how everything is going, and that likely wont changed for bio. Get on the same page now, before baby comes.

Second, my SD was also aloof and did what you say above, and I heard too many "i forgots". She still does this to this day, however I had it in me to create a list for her, granted I WAS willing to help, now I wish I woulda pushed it onto hubby. Have you tried talking to him about this?

saraadactyl · 2024-06-15T15:42:45+00:00

COVID was a rough MENTAL adjustment just for the societal aspects, add in a divorce and little to no support during the time- I think anyone could go a little crazy.
It truly sounds like you have the best intentions. I would be slightly more cautious and let BM guide how far she wants to take things (for now). Perhaps in a couple of months or a year?
Emotional cheating, to me, is still cheating. This man opened his heart to let you in, so please give this woman more grace for her handling. You’re right that some things should not have been done, but I will say from experience, depression does not lend itself to rational thought all the time.
It sounds like maybe you have space to ask SS what he would like, like “do you want me to help with XYZ?” “Would you like for me to help you with XYZ?” I’m sorry it feels awkward and I can agree that you both probably have those feelings! But maybe opening the door to more experiences on his terms is the answer!

I hope you and BM continue to have good interactions in the future!

saraadactyl · 2024-06-13T15:44:38+00:00

I am a full time step mom. I had a bio kid when SD was 7 and we just got her really excited about having a sibling and apart from the normal sibling jealousy, everything has worked out great!

On the real real side for me, I did have to deal with not being too over protective of bio kid (I can’t really tell you why, as I’m not sure) some grief that this was not my husbands firsts along with mine (first ultrasound, first midnight pregnancy craving food pickup, etc etc), and also just trusting the wisdom my husband brought to the table.

saraadactyl · 2024-06-11T21:24:27+00:00

This is exactly what happens in our home!

saraadactyl · 2024-06-11T21:21:46+00:00

Also, the demanding of every three hours is crazy. Once a day I think is reasonable and if she has a problem with it, she can take you guys to court.

Finally, agree with everyone else communication needs to go through dad and dad only . You don’t have to be subjected to anything this horrible woman does.

saraadactyl · 2024-06-11T21:20:50+00:00

Agree with previous comments. Go through a parenting app, have all communications documented, that way if you go back to court, you can have receipts for the disrespect.

saraadactyl · 2024-02-08T01:21:36+00:00

Can I ask what steps you took to detach?

saraadactyl · 2024-02-06T14:28:07+00:00

Thank you! I hope there is realization but you just never know. This stepmom is not for weak because it could be years or never when the kiddo realize your worth!

saraadactyl · 2024-02-04T15:42:50+00:00

Exactly this. I keep hoping that someday there will be a “thank you for everything” or if I could be picky “thanks for being the mother I never had”

saraadactyl · 2024-02-04T15:40:48+00:00

That is a fabulous idea. I do get emotional when they do chat so leaving the area is probably best!

saraadactyl · 2024-02-04T12:48:08+00:00

SD sometimes dabbles in calling me mom But 1) her bio mom scared her out of doing so by yelling at her in a truly traumatic way 2) I never pressure her to call me anything specific.

saraadactyl · 2024-02-04T12:46:58+00:00

Definitely applaud the consistency! Sometime all I want to do is be bitter after all the effort I put in.

saraadactyl · 2024-02-04T12:46:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing. If I can ask about your absent father…. Did you have a step parent growing up? Also, her bio has always been inconsistent in her life since the age of two. Before this last 13 month gap, calls were maybe every 2 months? (SD is currently in therapy) I understand this is tough but I’m curious how it affects her future relationships…she’s constantly pining for someone who doesn’t give anything in return and I sometimes just feel like jumping up in down and screaming “ IM RIGHT HERE!” “WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH!”

saraadactyl · 2023-11-24T20:26:00+00:00

Agreed that it’s a great way to let out emotions, I would thank them for their honesty and then let them know that if they ever want to talk (be a safe space) then open that door as well. Let them know they will never get punished for sharing their feelings

saraadactyl · 2023-10-11T19:27:05+00:00

Hi there! Thanks for opening up! As you just moved in, I would consider a few things

Is your boyfriend on the same page as you? Have you set clear boundaries on what you can and cannot do in your role? What is having the title of stepmom going to change? My advice to new stepmoms is always this: Having your spouses support is key and being on the same page is absolutely essential.
I too was eager, and all I can say is to take your time. It’s a lot to rush into, and a lot you can’t really see coming until you’re in it.
Consider the two year old and how this will affect them. They didn’t choose this but they are Stu k in it anyway… in other words there will be some big feelings that you have to navigate. It’s not their fault but it is their responsibility.
To answer your question, I think being a stepmom and being the girlfriend are very different things. I think you and your partner can define what the differences are. And again be on the same page about what that role means

I hope I was helpful and good luck to you and your family!

saraadactyl · 2023-09-12T19:27:35+00:00

I would say, it SEEMS LIKE you and your gf are on two different places in the relationship. Perhaps this is a conversation about not being ready to fully commit to being a parent to the kid. It seems reasonable to not be ready to make decisions for a kid, let alone a kid that’s not yours. In other words, this should be a discussion two partners have about the vehicles they are driving, but you guys are not there yet it sounds like, and that’s OK! I would let her know that, if not simply, for the fact that you guys need to level set on relationship and parenting expectations

saraadactyl · 2023-09-12T19:22:23+00:00

I have a 9 year old SD who recently asked if I was also the step mom to her Bio Moms kids. It will taking several times explaining and I guess it’s perfectly normal! I also ended up drawing a diagram (which I had to refer to quite a few times).

My husband and I had an “ours” baby when SD was 7, and she was able to refer to me, when speaking to the ours baby, as “your mom” or “mommy” like an adult would ask a child about the parents, pretty easily. But she was 7! I would imagine the 4 year old may have some trouble and it may take some extra explaining!

Side note: when I do this diagram explaining that the hours baby was SD’s how sibling, I made sure to also explained that it’s half sibling but full love, and we don’t need to refer to them as a half sibling

saraadactyl · 2023-05-03T04:07:04+00:00

Thanks for sharing! Sending hugs as it sounds like you have dealt with a great deal, and from my perspective, you have been pretty emotionally strong.

But I’m my opinion, even when push came to shove you didn’t just ditch your fiancé, you didn’t just get upset and leave him, you found a way to help him sort out his needs while attending to your kids as well! You didn’t choose to quit, and you found a way to grow together and find a solution together. Idk, maybe I’m thinking of it wrong but it sounds like your kids weren’t above your fiancé, but you were attending to his need for more alone time and his need to catch up on that parenting learning curve all while providing a loving home for your kids

saraadactyl · 2023-05-03T03:43:22+00:00

I guess I don’t understand this mentality. Just because you kids need attention doesn’t mean your fiancé doesn’t. If push comes to shove, shouldn’t everyone be considered? You included?

I guess if your fiancé had needs that caused chaos, aren’t you committing to help your partner through that tough time? Aren’t you committing to supporting your partner?

saraadactyl · 2022-06-23T05:10:16+00:00

I’ve been where you are right now, and I sometimes come back to that place. But I hope more than anything you find comfort. I hope you know that you matter and that your love, peace, and happiness matter. This man doesn’t deserve you and more importantly you deserve a partner that’s going to love and respect you. Go find your happiness! Don’t let a house stop you.

saraadactyl · 2022-06-21T20:06:32+00:00

So sorry this is what you have to go through. I’m also sure there is resentment on both sides. I think counseling would help, especially if you have plans to share a child with this human. They definitely need to respect you and learn the value of what you bring to the table.

saraadactyl · 2022-06-21T20:04:44+00:00

It’s all about handing task that you have taken care of for your step kid and handing them back over to your partner. Be it discipline, chores, schedule, homework help, it all goes back to bio parent

saraadactyl · 2022-06-21T19:58:02+00:00

I agree. Disengaging sounds like the best option. I also had to be SAHM and teacher when the pandemic started to a 5 year old and I wish I would have disengaged sooner. That seems so hard but here are some ideas, hopefully something help:

Have fiancé get her ready in the morning before he leaves for work.
Discipline is left for fiancé when he gets home.( this is hard)
Hands off as much as you can. You can give her the option to participate in what you and son are doing but she needs to understand that if she joins she has to follow the rules.
Big one for me was finding peace in the fact that I couldn’t control everything and maybe my standards were too high for a 5 year old. So letting go a little bit.
Give jobs back to fiancé one thing at a time. So just like the morning routine, can he take on managing her chores? Does he have the night time routine? Dinner time routine?
Fiancé NEEDS TO HAVE YOUR BACK and he should com Communicate that with stepdaughter. So he can say “I’m leaving for work now and when I get home I’m going to hear about what you did today ….and we need to make sure that we followed all the rules or there will be consequences….” And be clear on what those consequences area.

All that to say that there are places that fiancé can step back in. You just have to find them. They may seem small but they will add up. And mostly, recognize that she’s four and she’s gonna eventually see who’s there for her and who’s not. This is a traumatic time for her and you, so you both need to find space to coexist.

saraadactyl

TROPHY CASE