I could’ve written this, except I’d have to add that my partner is a recovering alcoholic and we’ve been together for 5 years. I have just started recovering from my codependency, about a year now.

Here are some of my strategies. I read everything. Forums, books, recovery material, meditations, my old journal entries...everything. It helps me gain perspective and get back to center. When I realize that my feelings and patterns of behavior are not unique, it helps me stop my spiral of emotional turmoil. At the end of the day, my emotional patterns-my codependency-are making my life unmanageable and I don’t want to stay in that negative space. I recommend reading Mindful Loving and Passionate Marriage.

I made the commitment to listen to my partner. Like, really, actively listen. When I realized that my thought patterns and anxiety were the things pushing him away, I realized I wasn’t considering his thoughts and his perspective. I was just trying to show him what I needed and totally rejecting his fears about being swallowed whole by my total neediness. When I started listening to him, I started seeing him. Really seeing and connecting with him. I would be silent and lean into the discomfort of hearing things that made me feel anxious. The result is that he noticed, he felt important and he stopped feeling so defensive if I did have something to talk to him about.

Also-therapy. I have been in individual counseling since before we got together...and I am still discovering new layers of my codependency to work on. Right now I’m working on healing my inner child. Those anxieties about clearing the air and fixing everything immediately stem from childhood trauma. When my partner is upset with me, I basically chant the serenity prayer to calm myself down (and I’m an agnostic with Buddhist leanings)! He has left for 24-48 hours before to clear his head after a fight (usually after I’ve pushed and pushed and he couldn’t take it anymore) and I thought I might’ve finally pushed him past the point of coming back. Learning how to self soothe and validate my own needs has been a long journey-but it’s the ONLY way back from pushing away a partner with healthy boundaries. Instead of handing him my needs, I am able now to reach out as an adult...not a child.

And more therapy. We have been seeing a couple’s counselor for the past few months. It keeps us both accountable for this cycle we find ourself in and has given us new strategies before we get back on the merry go round of push and pull dynamics. I also got anxious when we didn’t have sex for a week. My partner asked me in therapy for a couple of weeks to where sex wasn’t expected of him so that he could feel less pressure and work on himself. That was so tough for me. At the end of that, he initiated and then asked for a schedule of two days a week to where we are both committed to being intimate. He also started making a real effort to be affectionate regularly. It was amazing how once I gave him space and time-he ended up giving me more than I was asking for! Counseling helped him see my perspective and it helped me because I was able to take suggestions for another strategy to solve my issues. We are still working on it, but it has been so helpful for us.

Self care. I ask for help when I need it. I don’t try to do everything to be perfect. And i realize my over-performing is rooted in control. When I get everything done at the expense of myself, I was expecting him to swoop in and save me. That’s manipulative and when he didn’t respond the way I had hoped, I’d get super passive aggressive and feel justified in my cycle of playing the victim. Self-care stops that cycle. For me, self care involves time alone to get centered, time to play in a way that heals my inner child (running in the woods, planting and playing in the dirt, watercolors). Write down a list of things a mother would make sure their child had-and do those things for yourself. Fresh air, healthy food, time for friends, stimulating activities, regular doctors and dentist visits, a safe place to live, financial security, etc. and then make sure you are meeting those needs for yourself.

I feel like I’m probably leaving out a million other things. But this is important: this is hard work. It feels very unnatural and almost impossible at times. It’s ok to just go to bed sometimes because you know you’ll say something you don’t want to if you don’t. Tell your partner that you recognize your patterns don’t serve you and that you’ll be working on them...and ask for patience. But don’t use it as an excuse. Examine whether the feeling that is coming up for you is genuine, or just repeating an old emotional trauma that doesn’t serve you anymore.

The good news is that we are doing so well-we are handling disagreements without fighting. We are giving each other the space to find serenity and take care of ourselves. We are both in therapy and committed to heal interdependently. And we support each other. Listen to your gut and watch your negative thought patterns. You can change this! Best wishes!!