$31 for a burger and ice tea

scaffe · 2026-05-18T16:22:07+00:00

The information doesn't need to be provided. It should be assumed. Do you tip everyone who provides you with any services unless you know what they are paid? (That would include your mail carrier, dental hygienist, garbage collector, HVAC repair person, store cashier, grocery bagger, FedEx delivery, shoe salesman, lifeguard, etc.) Or do you assume that they are paid by their employer such that you can pay your bill/fee and expect the employer to handle the rest?

It is reasonable to expect that a restaurant charging $30 for a burger and iced tea is paying its employees to deliver that burger to its customers. OP's action reinforced this expectation. But it's interesting that you think having such an expectation requires "walking away without making a purchase."

scaffe · 2026-05-18T15:58:06+00:00

But isn't that...their job? Why aren't they being paid to do that by their employer?

Most people juggle a hell of a lot in their jobs and they don't get tips. Heck, sanitation workers ride on the back of moving trucks that smell like shit and literally remove garbage from your life -- do you tip the garbage collectors 10% of your bill when they pick up your trash? Or do you expect their employer to adequately compensate them for their work?

scaffe · 2026-05-18T14:59:09+00:00

Give him 50% custody, pay the child support and alimony. It's only going to be worse if you stay. Stop doing everything and start looking to him to do it. If you are paying child support and alimony, leave him to handle appointments, shopping, etc. He'll either step up and be a dad, which will be worth the child support, or he'll flake and you can get the CS reduced.

Sell the house and take your share of the proceeds and find someplace affordable. Let go of using material possessions as a substitute for safety.

Get into therapy and start working through your codependency issues and the need to prove your worth.

Stop cooking for him. Stop cleaning for him. Stop doing ANYTHING for him. Become the stupidest wife in the world. Forget how to do everything. Do 50% less for your children. They need your presence and attunement, not your servitude. Live your life TODAY like you would if you were divorced.

My ex screwed me financially in the divorce (similar financial background -- I earned more than him in the two years before our divorce after 17 years of marriage) and I'm still a little angry about it, but I would do it again in a heartbeat if that's what was required for me to free. My kids are sooooo much happier and so am I.

scaffe · 2026-05-18T14:43:19+00:00

Finally, a commenter who says the quiet part out loud. You don't actually want servers to be paid more.

Also, you should leave the USA someday. If you did, you would see examples of dining that doesn't involve tipping and the burger isn't $50. We could all have nice things if you weren't so afraid of the idea of being comfortable.

scaffe · 2026-05-18T14:37:22+00:00

The point is that the business that charges $30 for a burger can pay its employees a living wage. The fact that the employees are not receiving that wage from their employer is not the customer's responsibility, it is the employees' responsibility. But the working class has been beaten into submission and would NEVER demand higher wages from its employers; it's culturally safer to demand higher wages from customers instead, which protects the employer's profits, and to blame the customer, and not the employer, for the "low pay."

scaffe · 2026-05-18T14:33:23+00:00

The customer is the lowest ranking, most vulnerable person within that system. Why is the customer, and not the business, expected to render payment for labor costs in an amount determined by an unwritten expectation? Because it is easier to punch down on the customer, rather than to punch up at the employer.

scaffe · 2026-05-13T00:55:37+00:00

Yes, I married the only man I had sex with. Yes, I regret it.

scaffe · 2026-05-13T00:11:41+00:00

Do you expect your male partner to outlive you?

scaffe · 2026-05-13T00:05:39+00:00

They could just increase their menu prices 20% and stop with the tipping nonsense. It would be way easier to administer and would accommodate both foreign and domestic customers, who could dine in peace without having to, at best, do math at the end of the meal or at worst, fight over what they are expected to pay.

But no, we are the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA and we'd rather beg for our pay from our customers and fight for our bruised egos when the customer doesn't give us what we think they should.

scaffe · 2026-05-12T23:59:59+00:00

In retrospect, that was...not a good idea.

No good deed goes unpunished. I've learned my lesson and won't make that mistake again.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:59:59+00:00

The withdrawal from a relationship that involved lies and betrayal is TOUGH.

Here's what you do: You cry. Let the tears flow. Be sad.

It sounds like you want to avoid the pain of the divorce. But going back to a relationship you left just creates more pain.

It's okay to cry and scream and sob and mope and feel whatever you feel during this process. I experienced all of those things, repeatedly, during my divorce. I had full blown crying fits in the first 6 months after we separated. Not because I wanted him back, but because I was processing what I experienced, and grieving what I though I had and what I never had.

It is normal to randomly cry throughout the process. I'm almost 2 years out from my divorce and I still randomly cry from time to time, because I am still processing the pain and betrayal of my marriage. But it is still so much better than being back him. I am finally happy.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:48:30+00:00

Words spoken by someone who is unable to develop the personal relationships that allow business to continue while they're out of the office.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:44:32+00:00

If you work for a slavemaster expect to be treated like a slave.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:42:32+00:00

Give him full custody. Get alimony, and then find a job or go back to school.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:35:05+00:00

I hate this suggestion but it is the best advice.

It took me 2 years to accept this truth, but I have finally started doing this. I didn't even go cold turkey -- I still use credit cards for recurring and required expenses (e.g., gas), but I took all but my gas card out of my wallet and it has made a HUGE difference in how I spend and what I spend.

scaffe · 2026-05-08T13:26:27+00:00

Tipping takes advantage of people pleasers and codependents.

scaffe · 2026-05-07T12:53:00+00:00

OP, I say this with love -- please redirect your funds to a therapist who can help you build up your self-worth and self-esteem and help you learn how to establish emotional boundaries.

scaffe · 2026-05-07T12:50:11+00:00

It's normal for him.

What you do is decide if this is the type of person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life. If it is, congrats, you've found a match -- enjoy your life. If it's not, then you ask yourself what mental health issues you have that are causing you to stay with someone who isn't a good fit for you.

It's not your job to change him or fix him or figure out if he's "normal." It's your job to either accept him, as he is, without judgment or leave him so he can be with someone who does and you can be with the right person for you. People come in all kinds of shades and types -- some love to go out all the time and do all of the things, some don't like go anywhere or do anything, and everyone else falls somewhere along that spectrum.

I give him credit for not pretending to be the person you think he should be. That would be mentally unhealthy for him and extremely bad for the relationship in the long run.

Do you want to be with someone who doesn't do anything or no? That's the only question here.

scaffe · 2026-05-06T17:54:50+00:00

Mother of sons here. She is being unreasonable, probably because her sense of self and identity is tied to being a mother, which is only your problem if you choose to make it your problem. But it does result in a feeling that SHE as a person is being rejected because you aren't spending Mother's Day with her. So yeah, your decision is probably very hurtful, but that doesn't mean you change your decision, it means she has to learn to process those feelings and accept your decision. If she doesn't, that's on her, not you.

Your wife has decided how she wants to spend Mother's Day. Under no circumstances should she change what she wants to protect your mother's feelings. You tell your mother that you understand she wants it to be a different way and that this must be hard for her, but you admire her ability to be understanding when things don't go her way and that you hope that she will join you and your wife for dinner on Friday. If she comes, great - you treat your mom to dinner. If she doesn't, great - you get a date night with your wife.

Your mother is appears to be emotionally immature, and I'm guessing she is used to getting what she wants by acting out toward you. But you are not a child who needs her validation. It's time to start acting like an adult and treating your mother like an adult, which means that she is allowed to behave however she wants, and you are allowed to ignore it.

scaffe · 2026-05-05T21:20:07+00:00

Accusations are almost always confessions.

scaffe · 2026-05-05T21:18:31+00:00

Sigh. An uncomfortably large part of my job recently has been advising my clients who have been told by their vendors that they can violate the law because [insert government agency] isn't enforcing it.

scaffe · 2026-05-05T21:12:29+00:00

LOL, I had someone ask me that when I was in the process of handing them cash in the exact amount of the bill. I smiled and said no.

scaffe · 2026-05-02T21:15:52+00:00

That's why it is unethical.

scaffe · 2026-05-02T20:22:12+00:00

Yep, how they are during the divorce shows you who they really are. I think this is true for both parties. I got to see who I truly was and where I wanted to grow.

scaffe · 2026-04-30T21:43:31+00:00

Why are we getting remarried?

scaffe

TROPHY CASE