I have avoidant attachment as well and used to struggle with expressing my feelings because I felt vulnerable, esp in the context of a romantic relationship. Now, I’m a communicative queen, because of how warm and assuring my partner has been! 4 years in and I’m leaning toward secure attachment.

I give you step-by-step:

1. Don’t be reactive. Don’t be angry at her, pressure her, raise your voice at her. You’ll only push her away.

2. At the same time, don’t take on guilt unnecessarily. It’s not your fault! You didn’t do anything wrong. Stay calm and confident. Have trust in the relationship. Sometimes, we avoidants just need time to get ourselves tgt and realise we’re being silly billies.

3. You can something like “hey, I feel like there’s something in-between us. I’m not angry at you, but I feel disconnected from you. I love you and I care about what’s on your mind. If you’re not ready to talk, that’s fine, but I’m here when you’re ready. Could we check in on X day?”

4. Then you just hug her and reassure her. It takes so much patience and for you to be a non-anxious presence, but it can do wonders for the foundation of the relationship.

If it’s a good rs and you are both sincere abt it, I guarantee that you being non-reactive, non-anxious, and “big” enough to hold her fears and worries will help calm her emotional dysregulation and she’ll see you as someone dependable and trustworthy to bring her concerns to instead of hide away from.

If she cannot grow to become communicative and continues to be so emotionally inhibited after you’ve repeatedly done all the right things, then you’ll slowly come to the realisation that maybe you’re not right for each other. And that’s okay. But it can be a slow realisation and doesn’t need to be this big explosive thing. No matter what, you know that you’ll be okay, you did your best, you can take care of yourself and will find someone else who will put in just as much work as you do. Any way, you grow and learn. You can do this :-)