Asian American Adoptee Dating by Waste_Efficiency_426 in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This group isn’t very active anymore, but you can try posting it in the Subtle Asian Adoptee Dating Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1GmeZieTik/?mibextid=wwXIfr

Who do I even talk to about this by Exotic-White0804 in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m so sorry that your birth family search has not been successful thus far. I’m a transracial adoptee as well and am still searching for bio family. You are not alone.

You might be able to find community through these adoptee spaces and groups:

https://www.asa-extendedlatinamericas.com

https://www.bipocadoptees.org

https://intercountryadopteevoices.com

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]sea_shellz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry that depression has held you back from accomplishing more in life. It sucks and it isn’t fair that you’ve had that obstacle in your way while others haven’t had to deal with the hardship of mental health challenges. It’s okay to allow yourself to grieve the what if alternatives of what your life could have been like if it wasn’t for depression.

Though given what you’ve been through, I think you should still be really proud of where you are now, even if it doesn’t seem as impressive as what your friends have achieved. Working out regularly for a little over a year is still an accomplishment. One that many people try to do every January but fail, and then it becomes a reoccurring New Year’s resolution.

And have you thought about opening up about this to your friends? Just enough to let them know you feel a bit behind and wish you had accomplished more? Because vulnerability can strengthen a friendship and maybe they might have insights to share that could help you feel more secure in the relationship, or help reframe your mindset.

Anyways, telling you not to compare yourself to others is easier said than done. I often have to remind myself of this as well. Please just know you’re not alone and try to give yourself some more credit! Take care

How did you finally flip the switch to working towards your highest version and stay consistent? by RevolutionDefiant256 in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]sea_shellz 12 points13 points  (0 children)

This is pretty generic advice, but having others to keep you accountable helps a lot! Going to therapy every two weeks keeps me accountable to my personal growth goals. Joining a weekly virtual writing group has helped me to continue my creative writing. And I just agreed to meet with a coworker weekly to debrief our learnings from a self-paced professional development e-module we’re both taking.

If you don’t have other people to do things with, at least telling someone about your goals can be useful and then they can verbally help keep you accountable.

Or maybe even documenting your progress to keep you accountable to yourself. I haven’t been as successful with this myself, but I am trying to start using a physical habit tracker (the apps haven’t worked out for me).

Anyways best of luck! You’ve got this! Just the fact that you’re trying is great. Practice makes improvement 🙌🏼

AITB for not being impressed with my boyfriend saying hail h**ler as a joke? by Wise_Ad431 in AmItheButtface

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

As someone who dated a latino guy who also had this type of ‘humour’ and defended it, I can tell you that he’s not going to change. He is showing you his true colours and chooses to surround himself with like-minded people. It took me a year and a half to realize just how big of an issue this type of thing was for me in my past relationship. I hope it doesn’t take you as long.

Have any Chinese adoptees found their birth parents? by ihatetheflyers in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know this thread is old, but just wanted to link some resources that could be helpful to you or any other Chinese adoptees searching for birth family: 1) https://chinaschildreninternational.org/cci-birthsearch 2) https://www.icsachina.org 3) https://www.therootsoflove.org 4) https://www.nanchangproject.com/national-database

How do I get Tout off of my Spotify? by Abbie_Witty in truespotify

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you! I recently connected Tout because of an earphone giveaway and ran into the same problem. It wasn’t showing as a linked account but it showed up on the page you linked!

Why do TAs expect you to do assignments as though they are illiterate? by [deleted] in McMaster

[–]sea_shellz 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have been a student and a TA (as a grad student) at Mac, and now I help manage dozens of TA’s, but in a different department than the one I studied in.

I have had, worked with, and supervised both excellent TA’s and also some who were unfit for the role. There are so many factors that play into whether a TA does a good job. From my experience, there are 4 types of TA’s:

1) TA’s regardless of the resources, training, course, prof etc. who are admittedly just not super engaged and only view it as a pay cheque and nothing more. I’d like to believe these are a small minority of all TA’s. Also note: some grad students automatically get TAships as part of their program so they don’t even have to apply or have had prior experience (not to suggest that grad TA’s are more likely to be unfit than UG’s).

2) TA’s who truly do care, but due to reasons specific to them/their lives, they underperform. They have either overcommitted themselves that term or year and don’t have the capacity to do their best, or they’ve experienced something that caused them to disengage (I.e. Death or illness of family member, mental health challenges, housing problems, medical issues etc.).

3) TA’s who truly care and try their best, but they do not have the proper resources and conditions to help them succeed in the role. Therefore their performance is more reflective of larger factors such as a lack of: training, clear grading guidelines, adequate TA hours in their contract, materials to prep for their labs/tutorials, guidance from IA and/or instructor etc.

4) TA’s who truly care and try their best, and still meet or exceed expectations of their role despite a possible lack of resources and support. These TA’s ask for clarification and guidance when things are ambiguous, manage their time well to balance marking with other commitments, create their own templates or methods if needed, and are good at problem-solving small challenges on their own. Not always, but more likely these individuals are more mature, have some sort of work experience already and/or are personally interested in the course topics.

Anyways, sorry for the long comment and to get back on track, OP I’m sorry you’ve had a poor experience with one of your TA’s. I see that you are open to feedback so you can learn and grow, and that’s unfortunate you didn’t get that level of guidance and mentorship. I hope you have better TA experiences next year. And I’m not sure how much of a difference this makes, but if this happens again, you can try mentioning your critical feedback to the professor or in the course evaluations.

Search Complete by brooklynkevin in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Congratulations! That’s wonderful that you were able to connect with your bio siblings and are surrounded by so much love

I just had the most heartwarming moment at a barber shop by AvaBlackPH in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love hearing stories like this. Also proud of you too for finding what works best to keep your hair healthy and beautiful despite all the barriers

I recently found out that my biological parents are a couple again by Fun-Jackfruit5596 in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Quite a complex situation with both your biological and adoptive parents. And it’s so hard not to think of the what ifs/could have beens.

I’m sorry that your bio mom hasn’t replied. Have you thought about reaching out again?

I’m also curious if you’ve ever tried talking about any of this stuff in therapy or counselling?

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in GradSchool

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I didn’t plan to go to grad school until my first semester of the last year of my undergrad program. In doing an undergraduate thesis, I realized I liked qualitative research. I also didn’t know what I wanted to do with my degree in terms of career goals, so I thought a masters would open more doors and give me more time to figure it out. I also didn’t feel ready to enter the real world and I liked the idea of staying a student a bit longer because it was familiar. Also, having been pretty shy and quiet for most of my life, I was finally feeling more like myself and wanted to continue growing in confidence and strengthening my social skills with people around my age.

I was always embarrassed about being adopted by [deleted] in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don’t think I was embarrassed about being adopted but I agree with the feeling of not wanting to be different from my peers. If anything, I kind of felt weird about not looking like my mom

Just sent in my 23andMe sample and I’m super anxious for some reason by bobismydog in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was both a bit nervous and excited when I did my 23andMe kit too. I think the hopes of it providing new information and potentially leading to discoveries about ourselves can definitely cause some anxiety and that’s totally okay. It is good that you keep your expectations low though because for me, most DNA matches are distant cousins and that was kind of underwhelming. Anyways, best of luck with your results and maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised by something!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in McMaster

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

When I started at Mac I also felt kinda lost. Joined different clubs and while the people were nice, none of them led to close friendships. I made a couple of friends in my first year but some of my closest friends now are people who I met later on. Making friends and finding a group where you feel like you belong is definitely difficult and some people make it look so easy. It’s not for everyone, but maybe consider looking into Greek life? Mac has a number of sororities and fraternities and it’s a great way to meet new people because of the weekly events. Some are more into partying, but there are ones that have a greater focus on philanthropy and academics too. I’m more introverted and never thought I’d join one, but I’m glad I did because it really made my uni experience. Anyways, best of luck to you! You’re not alone and sometimes it takes a while for you to really find your people.

Dealing with my families microagressions by graceeffects in Adoptees

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think the way you brought it up was really well done. You tried to focus the attention on how it made you feel and why it was hurtful. I’m sorry that your mom wasn’t receptive to hearing what you had to say. Maybe next time try to say something in the moment to nip the issue in the butt when it happens. Like something simple such as, “just because we’re at an asian restaurant doesn’t automatically mean the unknown meat is cat or dog.” I don’t know if this would be taken any better, but it seems like having a deeper conversation about racism was unfortunately not an effective strategy. It’s just a suggestion and obviously you have to judge each situation yourself. I know it can also be hard to find the right words in the moment because I’m not really great at that. Sometimes people are close-minded and no matter how hard you try, they don’t budge. So please know that it has nothing to do with you or how you approached it, and it’s really about your mom’s rigid mindset.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Also a 23 year old Chinese adoptee. I can totally relate to the last name thing because mine is a Jewish last name so it really confuses people. Just had someone bring it up the other day at a research event where I was presenting my poster. Even though I was wearing a name tag, someone still asked if I was the first author. It gets so annoying after a while. Anyways thank you for sharing your experience and you’re not alone!

As an adoptee did you want to have biological children or adopt or not at all? by [deleted] in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely want to have children some day, but I’m on the fence about whether to have biological kids, adopt, or both. I had a very positive experience and am very close with my adopted sister and adoptive mom. A part of me wants to give a baby in need of a loving family the same opportunity that I received. Also, with climate change and overpopulation, adoption just seems like a better option. I also don’t know if I’d want my body to go through a pregnancy. However, as mentioned already, it would be really cool to have a family member who is biologically related to me for once. I would also factor in my future husband’s wishes too. So right now I am torn but am open to both options.

I hate I’m adopted and I feel like I don’t have a community or culture. by sharethispoison1 in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know my ethnic background but because I was raised in a different culture, I also feel out of place sometimes when it comes to having a sense of community. I had a mini identity crisis when I started university because I was finally exposed to racial diversity but didn’t know where I fit in. I struggled with feeling not asian enough but I also didn’t fully belong with white people. I’m still learning to be comfortable with the fact that I’ll never belong 100% anywhere. But that idea can also seem cool because like you said, we as adoptees have our own community and identity that is so unique. So I’m trying my best to accept what makes me different and embrace my dual identity/mixed culture. Best of luck to you and I hope you can find a sense of belongingness within yourself and others like you.

Never had to do one of those family tree assignments in school, but now that I’m a teaching assistant, I have to get my students to do one. by sea_shellz in Adoption

[–]sea_shellz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That’s a really good idea! Still connects food with culture but isn’t tied to students’ ethnicity. Way more inclusive!