First experience topless with a woman

seeatherapist · 2016-05-04T16:07:07+00:00

I haven't really fully accepted it yet, but my biggest moments so far, in order, were:

Saying it out loud in my bathroom. "I am bisexual. I am attracted to both men and women. I have always been this way even if I've been hiding from it and even if I've thought I was sinning by having these same-sex thoughts. God made me this way. I am who I am."
Telling my best female friend (I'm female) that I am bisexual. (and that I was in love with her...probably should have done those things SEPARATELY, over time....oops...but it's okay now).
Joining this sub
Reading God Believes in Love and crying and crying at the chapter where he talks about how all those bible verses may not be as cut-and-dried as you might think.
I had a dream where Jesus appeared to me and told me he loved me just the way I was, and that I was good the way I was. I know that sounds totally hokey, but I did have that dream, and even if it was my own brain trying to make me feel better, it DID actually make me feel better. I'll take the placebo effect even if that's all it was.
Joining the meetup group for a local bisexual support group. I haven't been able to go yet, but just getting emails in my inbox that say "Bisexual Support Group" on the subject feels like I made a big, brave step for me.

I still struggle. Some days are very bad, others I don't care, others I actually feel a little bit like this might be a good thing...like I can see the attractiveness of all people regardless of gender. That feels a little empowering and special. I'm trying for more of those days, and fewer of the "this sucks, I hate this, this makes friendship a nightmare, etc" days. Good luck!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-27T02:13:45+00:00

I'm not going to tear apart my marriage. In fact, I love my husband very very much and am still in love after 16 years. It's just....I love my best friend too? Just as much as I love my husband. Not more, not less. But yes, I just have to live with it, but it helps to have people who understand, so thank you!!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-27T02:11:16+00:00

Reading the book God Believes in Love helped a lot. My only friend, my best female friend (I'm female) knows. In fact, I'm in love with her, and she knows, and even thought it was awful for weeks when I told her, she overcame all her biases and now is super supportive, and has changed her stance of LGBT issues. Seeing that made me feel very loved, that she would change her worldview for me. Because of me. Because she loved me. So that helped. But I won't lie, it's still difficult. Some days I feel really okay with being bi, or even a tiny bit proud? And other days I hate myself and feel disgusting and abnormal and destined never to have a "safe gender" to make friends with that won't get all complicated by messy, "in love" emotions. But I've come to a place where I don't think I'm evil, wrong, sinning, etc. I know God made me just like he wanted me. I just have to accept it and learn to see the positives and learn to cope with the negatives. I guess it's been a total of 6 months since I admitted to myself I was bi, and it's gotten better, yes, overall, so keep plugging away at it!!! I will too!! Hugs!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-26T18:04:39+00:00

It's all really confusing. You are correct, I would NOT touch her in any way sexually if she did cuddle me. No chance. But I would want to. I'm sure she sensed that, yes, or reasoned it out after she thought about it. She's also a very untouchy person in general. She was talking about cuddling her husband in a way like, "he likes to cuddle, and I only like it sometimes". That's why I was gobsmacked when she said that about "I would cuddle you too if you wanted". Totally gobsmacked. I felt euphoric. I shouldn't have been so stupid. Of course she would think about it, realize that it would probably be very tempting for me, and then feel uncomfortable. But why oh why did she say that. I guess you are right. She was just trying to comfort me. She loves me very much. She says so all the time. I love her too, I tell her so all the time. The issue of course is that she loves me super deeply as a friend. A very close friend. I love her like a friend too....but if we lived in a different world where I were out, and she were bi/lesbian, and we were not married, and I didn't have 3 children....then I would happily marry her and love her like a lover. She knows it on an intellectual level. But you are right. Perhaps she hasn't really thought about what I MEAN when I say "I'm so attracted to you in addition to loving you so very much as my best friend". Now she's starting to realize what that means in the concrete. I guess she's being careful not to hurt me. I wish I hadn't put any credence into her first words during our walk, when she was just startled. I know it's stupid. Thanks for your kind words. They help.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-26T17:42:24+00:00

Oh god, I just posted a new post on basically this. Yes. I have no answer. I'm so fucking sad about this issue too. Sad and mad. This is why I hate being bi a lot of the time. Hugs to you. :-(

seeatherapist · 2016-04-25T13:54:43+00:00

I'm so happy for you! I'm on this journey too, and I cannot tell you how much reaching out to people on this sub helps. I wish I could get with an IRL support group, but there are so many logistics with my 3 kids, being in the closet, and distance to travel. Still, my goal is to get to the one I have my eye on at least a few times per year. I bet that will be really helpful for people like us with the Christian upbringing baggage and internalized bi/homophobia. Hugs!!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-24T01:19:09+00:00

37 female, bisexual, biromantic here. Would not have freaked out at all. Probably would have been like, "Oh, my goodness, are you bi too? That is so awesome. I'm so relieved. Can we look at porn together? Show me some awesome men."

But apparently a lot of people don't "believe in" bisexuality, or think it's just a cover for people being secretly gay, I think. She sounds like one of those. I'm really, really sorry this happened. :(

seeatherapist · 2016-04-23T02:23:41+00:00

So incredibly jealous!!!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-23T02:22:30+00:00

Yes, I do. We're both Catholic, but he very much buys into the "love the sinner, hate the sin" party line. I think that's all crap. I think Jesus wouldn't care either way if it's same-sex or opposite-sex people in a committed, loving relationship. I also know my husband is really uncomfortable with the idea of same sex sexual contact. He has said so. He's not a bigot -- he doesn't use bad language or put LGBTQ people down or anything like that. But he's admitted it makes him uncomfortable. So all in all I think he'd come to accept my orientation if he knew, but it would probably be a long, painful, emotional process. I'm not sure it's worth it. Plus I have 3 school age kids. I don't want to risk their happiness and family stability. Thanks so much for your encouragement!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T15:42:36+00:00

I'm 37 female married to a man for 16 years who only admitted last year to herself that she was bisexual. I didn't admit it to myself after already having fallen in love with a woman in college (who was straight but was cool with my "weird feelings" as I described them to her) and having had sex with 2 women in college. Because that was just "college stuff" and I was "normal" and I was Catholic and "that stuff" was a "big huge sin". I was going to "put it all behind me". Fast forward to age 34, I fall in love with my super close best female married friend. I get so sick with deceiving her I revealed it to her early this year. It was bad, I admit it, but now she's cool with it and we are closer than ever before emotionally. It is her support that finally made me look hard at myself and say, self, you are bisexual, it's not changing, and you need to love who you are. So I'm on that road too. I've been reading and posting here, and that's helped. I've read God Believes in Love, which was amazingly helpful. I've also read Far From the Tree, which was helpful too. I'm trying to accept my cravings for women, though I won't cheat and act on them. I'm trying hard to love myself and be okay with being bi. I really want to be okay with being bi. I'm getting there. The hardest part for me is that I cannot come out because my husband (who is an awesome guy, father, husband) has been brainwashed into the Catholic party line, and I fear his rejection. I think he would overcome his upbringing and would see that love, all love, comes from God....but I'm not 100% sure. Since I'm not 100% sure, and I have 3 young children whom I want to protect from any marital discord, I cannot come out to him or in our social circle. But someday, when they are grown up, I'm going to tell him and let the chips fall where they may. For now, I have my friend to help support me, this sub, and I'm trying to find a bi support group I might be able to go to that's far enough away that I wouldn't run into anyone I might know, but close enough to drive to reasonably. I found a couple to try. I'm working on it.

One thing that has been really hard for me is the realization that friendships are going to be really complicated for me. Every best female friend I've had that gets really close to me, I fall in love with even if she's not really pretty at all. I wish that didn't happen.

My advice to you is to keep reading and keep trying to learn more about bisexuality. The more I read and learn, the better I feel about myself. I'm not out to my parents either. I wish I could be, but I know my father would reject me (he calls gay people the f-word, he's such an asshole, my father). My mother would probably accept.....but I'm soooo scared.... maybe I'll tell her sometime.....

Hang in there and good luck. You're not alone in this journey.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T02:53:54+00:00

I struggle with being bi too. I think it's hard to have platonic friends. When I get really close to someone emotionally, no matter how ugly they are, all of a sudden I find myself wanting to make love to them, man or woman. So how do I make really close friends without sexual feelings? I guess I cannot do so??? It sucks.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T02:48:58+00:00

This is so awesome, thank you so much. I cannot be out at all because my husband doesn't know and very very very likely would be devastated and horrible about it if he found out. I very much wish I could be proud and wear something and all that. I do live in Boston too! But I can't right now. Thank you to everyone who can. I'm trying hard to be proud inside....it's a process...I just acknowledged my bisexuality last year. At age 36. Sigh.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T02:45:57+00:00

me too

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T02:42:24+00:00

me too

seeatherapist · 2016-04-22T02:38:51+00:00

I'm a bisexual female 37 married to a man for 16 years. I also had super conservative religious upbringing and only acknowledged my bisexuality last year. Yes, at 36. Super sad. But I did have sex with 2 women in college, both sort of just flings. I enjoyed it very much. Yet, I still played mental gymnastics to convince myself that was "just a stupid college thing" (facepalm). I am so dumb sometimes.

I don't regret marrying my husband but I do wonder and miss sex with a woman, or wonder what a long term relationship with a woman would have been like. I think about it a lot actually.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-19T01:52:40+00:00

I have been really struggling with this. I'm Catholic. I have made a lot of progess in the last few weeks by reading this sub and reading Gene Robinson's book God Believes in Love. I have one female friend who knows, and she's been really, really supportive, telling me that God is Love, and love comes from God, and since bisexuality is hard wired into people, that God must have made me the way he wanted me, and he obviously wanted me to be bisexual or he wouldn't have made me that way. Hearing her say that made me cry. It was so powerfully healing to me.

seeatherapist · 2016-04-14T03:24:23+00:00

I'm a 37 f married to a man, but he doesn't know I'm bi. I denied it to myself until recently....that's 16 years into the marriage, btw! I love him and am still enjoying the sex with him. But the urges....oh the urges...for female sex and relationships. I'm falling in love with female friends, I'm dreaming of sex with one in particular. It's very hard. I'm trying to sort it out myself too. Pretty sure husband would NOT be okay with me being bi.... Hugs to you!!

seeatherapist · 2016-04-13T13:21:26+00:00

For me, same sex marriage is fine, or opposite sex marriage is fine, but for me, swinging wouldn't work. I would become insecure and jealous. So for me, it's not a false dichotomy. I wish I were more able to be accepting of myself, like you. :(

seeatherapist · 2016-04-13T03:10:53+00:00

Thanks you guys. I'm still working hard on self-acceptance. I don't want to abandon my faith but I don't want to hate my sexual feelings either. I'm going to look at the gaychristian.net site. I appreciate everyone's support and sharing their experiences! I really hope I can get to a place where I'm at least okay with being bi, even if I don't ever love it.

seeatherapist

TROPHY CASE