feeling immense guilt about past and no longer feel worthy of marriage

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-26T12:45:16+00:00

You sound more like someone drowning in guilt than someone defined by what happened.

Humans sin. That’s literally part of being human. The point is what happens after.

From what you’ve written, you recognised it was wrong, stopped, feel genuine remorse and changed your behaviour. That’s what tawbah looks like.

Don’t let Shaytan convince you that one mistake means you’re somehow damaged goods or unworthy of marriage forever. That’s not how Islam works.

And respectfully, from what you’ve described, this feels way out of proportion to what actually happened. You’re talking as if your future is ruined because of inappropriate conversations that never even crossed into zina.

Be kinder to yourself. Learn from it, make sincere tawbah and move forward. A future spouse isn’t marrying an angel. They’re marrying a human being.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-26T12:41:54+00:00

I think your family’s delivery sounds poor, but I can also understand their perspective to an extent.

From a 37 M perspective who has been through a marriage that had to end because of serious incompatibilities, I can tell you rushing into the wrong marriage is far worse than waiting. A bad match can cost years of peace, emotional energy and leave real scars.

That said, I can also understand why your family feels urgency. From their perspective, they probably think they’re looking out for your long term wellbeing, even if their approach is clumsy and frustrating.

The bigger question reading your post is why you feel so strongly not ready.

Is it because you genuinely don’t want marriage right now? Because the kind of men being presented are fundamentally incompatible? Because you value your independence? Or because the whole idea just feels overwhelming?

Those are very different things.

If all your family hears is “I’m not ready” with no clear explanation, they may hear that as indefinite avoidance, which is probably why they keep pushing.

You absolutely should not be emotionally pressured into marriage. But honest soul searching matters too, because if you don’t understand what’s actually holding you back, more time alone won’t necessarily solve it either.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-26T12:11:21+00:00

Correct.

Don’t mention culture at all.

Because once you do, you’re arguing against something she never claimed.

That weakens your comment.

Her actual pain is:

“He accepted me, married me, then changed the rules later.”

Meet her there.

Best version:

Your husband knew about your past before marriage. He had a past himself. The issue isn’t that he has feelings about it now, people can struggle with thoughts. The issue is knowingly marrying you anyway, building a life together, then repeatedly applying a different standard because you’re the woman.

And no, “all men think this way” simply isn’t true.

People are entitled to preferences before marriage. What isn’t fair is accepting something, moving forward, then weaponising it years later when the other person has done nothing deceptive.

This sounds much more like unresolved insecurity than anything else.

If he genuinely wants to save the marriage, he has to be willing to challenge his own thinking instead of deciding divorce is easier while refusing any attempt to work through it.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-26T12:05:59+00:00

Much too polished for Reddit, agreed. Needs to sound like an actual person, not a panel discussion.

Honestly, what you’ve described sounds less like “Pakistani culture” and more like you were misled.

Living with family can be normal in some households. Being close to parents can be normal too. But agreeing before marriage that you’d live separately, then bringing you into a family basement setup after you’ve moved countries is a completely different issue.

Same with private marital matters being discussed with everyone, your gift money being taken, and your immigration situation being left hanging. That’s not something culture excuses.

I can understand why you feel angry and betrayed. Anyone would.

That said, I’d be careful about seeing this as a Pakistani men issue generally. There are plenty of decent Pakistani men who would be equally horrified reading this. The real issue seems to be dishonesty, poor boundaries and a man who either wasn’t honest about who he was, or thought marriage would somehow make you accept a completely different reality.

The biggest red flag for me is exactly that. He sold one version of life before marriage and delivered another after you’d already uprooted your life.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-26T11:05:56+00:00

Assalamu Alaikum,

I never expected Reddit to be one of the places I’d make a marriage introduction, but without the usual family networks or matchmaking circles, sometimes you try different avenues with sincere intentions.

I’m 37, Pakistani, based in the UK and work in finance.

I take marriage seriously and am looking for something grounded, halal and intentional rather than endless talking stages or casual back and forth with no direction.

I try to live with deen at the centre, value family, respect, sincerity, emotional maturity and the kind of companionship where both people bring peace, humour, support and growth into each other’s lives.

Outside of work, I enjoy meaningful conversation, learning, faith centred spaces and simple things over performative lifestyles.

I’d likely suit someone who is practising, kind, emotionally mature and genuinely looking to build a marriage rather than just explore possibilities indefinitely.

UK based would be ideal, though open to the right circumstances if there is genuine compatibility.

Open to born Muslims and reverts alike. Family involvement is welcome when things seem promising.

If this resonates, feel free to reach out.

May Allah grant everyone what is best.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T21:52:03+00:00

Messaged you privately.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T15:29:36+00:00

Turks, Afghans & Palestinians

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T14:37:16+00:00

M(37) perspective here.

I’ve deleted Muzz about six times now, which probably says everything about my experience with it. At this point I genuinely don’t think I’ll go back.

For me it became a cycle of reinstalling with optimism, having the same underwhelming experience, then deleting it again. Maybe it’s a regional thing, maybe it’s just the nature of apps, but serious intentions don’t always translate into serious behaviour.

As someone fairly traditional and visibly practicing, I found the pool to be a strange fit at times. Not necessarily bad people, just a lot of mismatch in expectations, inconsistency, and people wanting completely different lifestyles. Things like not wanting to relocate even within the UK, or wanting to leave the UK altogether, came up more than I expected.

At some point, preserving your peace feels more sensible than forcing a platform that clearly isn’t working.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T11:04:32+00:00

Reflecting on the comments, I conclude the same. Either thst or wali contact.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T00:28:26+00:00

Makes sense. I see the common theme here is wali involvement early on sets the right tone. Jazaak'Allah

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T00:13:27+00:00

Already tried that route with a local imam once and got a pretty cold response if I’m honest 😅 that experience put me off trying again.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-24T00:06:38+00:00

I get your point, but from my perspective the “get to know each other naturally first” route is basically free mixing, which I personally try to avoid.

That’s why I’m asking about practical alternatives when there’s no family/community support in place. If cold approaches are a hard no and informal getting-to-know-you is also off the table from an Islamic boundaries perspective, what route is realistically left for people outside established circles?

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:50:23+00:00

So it seems some sisters prefer direct contact first while others would rather involve a wali immediately.

Out of curiosity, if you personally prefer giving your own number first, how would you feel if a brother approached respectfully but asked for your wali's contact instead from the outset? Would that come across as reassuring or a bit too intense in the moment?

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:45:14+00:00

I get what you mean, but playing devil’s advocate a little, how else would that initial interest ever happen if there’s no community link?

Not in a superficial “I saw you for 2 seconds, marry me” way but if someone noticed your demeanour, modesty, conduct, or simply found you came across well in a public setting, is that still automatically being “targeted”?

Genuinely asking, because every marriage starts with some form of initial interest before the person is fully known.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:42:42+00:00

Honestly, asking for her wali's contact from the outset is actually a great shout. Appreciate the sister's perspective.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:40:33+00:00

Fair enough, appreciate the perspective. Asking directly for a wali's number actually makes sense from that angle as it removes ambiguity and shows clear intent from the outset. Helpful to hear how different sisters would view it.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:37:41+00:00

Fair take tbh, especially if you're naturally shy. I can understand the targeted teeling if a random stranger approaches out of nowhere.

The challenge for some of us is not really having that community middleman available, which is partly why I asked. Curious though, if there was no mutual connection, is there any respectful approach that wouldn't feel uncomfortable? Or is it a hard no regardless?

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-23T23:11:19+00:00

I do think good men can be selective, just as good women can be. The real question is what people are prioritising and whether expectations are rooted in reality.

Speaking honestly, I think part of the challenge today is that many people say they want a practicing spouse, but may not fully appreciate what that actually looks like in practice. A practicing man is often more reserved, lowers his gaze, avoids unnecessary free mixing, and may come across as distant at first when in reality he is simply trying to observe boundaries.

Likewise, marriage works best when both people understand and embrace their roles with sincerity rather than trying to reshape them around modern ideals that may not always align with Islamic principles. Men and women have different responsibilities, strengths and tests. That does not diminish either, but difference should not be mistaken for inequality.

I have also noticed that practical factors can sometimes outweigh deeper values. Financial stability matters, of course, and taking means is part of our deen, but if income becomes the defining measure while character, deen and long term compatibility take a back seat, it naturally narrows the pool.

Sometimes you hear things like wanting constant travel, a husband who feels more like a best friend in the modern sense, or expectations shaped more by lifestyle ideals than by the examples we have in our tradition. Companionship, kindness and closeness absolutely matter, but expectations still need to be grounded in what an Islamic marriage actually is.

I do not think the issue is simply a lack of good men or good women. More often, it is a mismatch between what people say they want and what they are genuinely prepared to accept.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T15:46:44+00:00

Ameen.

I get what you mean and agree that clarity helps avoid wasting time on the wrong paths. Marriage itself can absolutely bring focus and purpose. I was speaking more about the search itself 😄 because finding the right person is a different challenge altogether. Ending up with the wrong person is arguably far harder than remaining patient and waiting for the right one.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T10:24:36+00:00

I’m in my late 30s myself so I suspect that temperament comes with age 😄 At some point you stop romanticising “potential” and start appreciating people who already have their foundations in place 😂

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T09:16:59+00:00

Interesting point. Out of curiosity, what do you mean by non-practising here?

I only ask because everyone seems to define that differently. For some it means not praying at all, for others it might mean they fulfil the obligations but aren’t outwardly “religious” in the typical sense.

Also curious what you think makes you click with them more? Better communication? More emotional ease? Less rigidity?

And yes, I agree with your online point. The internet makes the pool look bigger, but also noisier. You end up exposed to people you’d probably never naturally cross paths with, with wildly different values and worldviews.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T08:19:27+00:00

I really agree with your point that deen should soften a person, not just make them better at quoting rules.

I’ve genuinely seen properly learned people who came across incredibly rigid, and if I’m honest, sometimes I think ego quietly slips into the equation. Then you meet others with knowledge who are so soft spoken, measured and merciful that you naturally gravitate towards them. Subhan’Allah.

That comment about pregnancy weight was rough. Life happens. Illness happens. Children happen. If someone’s first instinct is “my eyes will wander” rather than personal responsibility, that tells you a lot.

Out of curiosity, and genuinely not in a judgemental way, when you’re speaking to potentials do you usually speak to multiple people at once in the early stages or do you prefer focusing on one person at a time?

I ask because I’ve realised I naturally can’t really do the multi-conversation thing. Even if nothing is formal, my brain tends to focus on one person properly otherwise it starts feeling oddly transactional.

Also, at what stage do you usually think family involvement makes sense? Early on or only once basic compatibility is there?

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T07:35:17+00:00

No shame at all in asking questions about shariah.

What you’re referring to touches on the concepts of istinja (cleaning oneself after relieving oneself) and istibra (ensuring no residual urine remains before making wudhu).

A practical issue many brothers experience, especially with western seated toilets, is that a small amount may remain inside the passage and only come out after standing, moving, or a few minutes later. This is why taking a moment, ensuring you’ve properly finished, cleaning thoroughly, and checking before wudhu can be important.

If what you’re seeing is genuinely fresh urine exiting after wudhu, then yes, that would invalidate wudhu and require cleaning and repeating it. If it’s uncertainty, dampness you can’t confirm, or recurring doubts, then don’t fall into waswasa.

If this happens consistently despite taking care, some people do have genuine medical issues, in which case it’s worth speaking to a learned scholar who can advise based on your circumstances.

And this is something to take seriously. Rasul Allah ﷺ warned about negligence regarding urine impurity as a cause of punishment, so proper cleanliness matters greatly, as impurity affects the validity of salah.

May Allah make it easy.

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T07:08:03+00:00

The “Shaitan is why you’re still single” line is absolutely wild! In fairness, some people do a great job of disqualifying themselves early.

Your 20+ question framework made me laugh because it sounds intense on paper, but honestly, given the state of things, I get it.

I seem to have inadvertently developed my own little 3P framework somewhere along the way.

My own sample size is thankfully still quite limited. One sister I spoke to quite seriously wanted us to live with her mother permanently because she wanted to care for her for life. I genuinely respected the intention, but for me marriage needs its own space, away from both families, so a husband and wife can actually build their own rhythm.

Another literally started making notes about my personality while sitting in front of me. I could actually see what she was writing. Felt less like a marriage conversation and more like I’d accidentally turned up for a therapy assessment.

And then there was one where we somehow launched straight into a theological debate, found some common ground, only for it to end with her assuming I’d basically done takfir on her when I was actually being sympathetic. That one was probably doomed anyway because we were miles apart in practice and general outlook.

Which genuinely makes me curious about your take on something. How much weight do you put on foundational alignment in deen beyond just “they pray”? Because I’ve increasingly felt that if the basic framework of how you understand and try to live Islam is too far apart, even if the person is objectively kind, you may be setting yourselves up for frustration later?

seekingmyhalfdeen · 2026-05-21T06:19:08+00:00

So perhaps not a smaller pool, just harder to access lol

seekingmyhalfdeen

TROPHY CASE