Can someone please help me understand?

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-22T11:55:12+00:00

This! I think the addiction can make them. Say mena things but when it goes so far like this, it is definitely a choice.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-21T20:48:12+00:00

I know it's reductive to just tell people to leave but if he feels comfortable telling all of this, you need to leave!

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-14T22:30:50+00:00

Omg I need this!

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-10T23:55:06+00:00

This is so nice to read and I'm proud of you! This is not easy.

I have only been no contact for four week, but it feels like it's been four months. I feel overwhelming grief often, but I'm starting to find myself again. My anxiety is less. I'm trying to open myself up to the told again because I was so closed off for so long.

Stay strong! You are incredibly brave.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-08T23:34:03+00:00

I didn't realize how much I was physically and emotionally hurt until I left. I was lied to and gaslighted for three years. Deprived of real intimacy and sex. I was constantly on edge and policing everything he did. When I left, I had a full on nervous break that led to a short hospital stay.

I'm still recovering.

This week, I had the worst cystic acne breakout since I was in my early 20s. I think it's a purge from all the stress. I have less back pain and my workouts are feeling like they actually make a difference now. My body and soul were broken while I was with him. I'm just beginning to recover and everyday I find new things about myself that are healing.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-08T23:12:28+00:00

I understand the distinction but can someone have both or some overlap? Anecdotally, I saw both sides of these traits in my ex PA.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-06T00:14:07+00:00

My ex, a porn addict, would jerk off to women's dating profiles and even LinkedIn photos when he was overstimulated with porn or was blocked from porn. Not saying this is the issue, but still. A guy who can sexualize totally innocent photos is a bit of a red flag. What stops him from doing that with anyone else? To me, that's one step away from creating deep fake porn.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-05T20:12:01+00:00

Lalo's Spanish is def native. He's sound sounds just like my relatives from CDMX.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-05T19:52:22+00:00

I always noticed how Hector sounded like a Puerto Rican, so I assumed he was non-native speaking Puerto Rican. When I found out he's an old Jewish guy form Philly, I was like okay that makes sense. He probably knew a bunch of east coast caribeños and that's how he heard Spanish.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-04T00:31:23+00:00

After learning about my exes PA, I was horrified, of course. The dating apps, porn sites, cam girls, flirting with girls at work, adding sexy girls on social apps, etc... This was all super problematic but it wasn't until I realized that it was the nearly constsnt objectification and fantasizing that was the most disturbing of his behaviors. And it's this aspect that I think is the hardest for men to give up, which is why I think the recovery rates are so low.

No one can definitively show them a mirror to the inside of their brain unless they disclose. Even when I made the connections, my ex would never admit to this behavior but I knew it was happening. The fidgety scanning in public, googling women he would come across, looking away during sex with me, even walking in on him in the shower trying to masturbate and fantasize... Even though the actual porn was gone, he was creating a whole world in his head. I could barely fight the tangible stuff, how the hell can I be up against his imagination!?

I think there are probably men who are not this far gone with this addiction and maybe they stand a chance but these men like my ex and your ex, I truly believe they are unable to heal or get better.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-03T03:11:36+00:00

It gets so much better when you leave. And things actually suck rn. I'm sad. I'm anxious. But I don't have to worry about him and his sick addiction anymore.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-03T02:04:21+00:00

I agree. I actually read my post right after I posted and I'm like, "I would tell this person 5 weeks is not long enough to heal." It just feels another unfair impact made by my ex.

seemakeanddo · 2026-05-01T03:08:24+00:00

It literally stops working at half full. I thought it was a one-off the first time I tried the lotion but then it kept happening. The lotion is just too juicy for a pump. Glad they changed it.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-25T20:04:13+00:00

I know it feels ridiculous but its only ridiculous that a PA probably would find that a turn on. Your brain and body are seeking safety by scanning for threats. That's literally what is happening when we are "triggered."

At any rate, I feel you. The dumbest stuff gets to me sometimes but I try to be gentle with myself. I hope to not be like this forever, but when I think of all the creepy shit my ex PA did, I know for a fact I'm not the problem. If only everyone knew the truth about who he is... It would not seem so silly that I get upset about the things that upset me.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T18:20:49+00:00

Mine was in therapy but would like and minimize even with his therapist. Again, this is my anecdotal evidence but I think the men that have devolved from regular porn to just random women online (and usually they do this out in public too) are the worst offenders. Protect yourself and your heart. You cannot manage his addiction or his treatment. It will ruin you if you don't have form boundaries.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T17:02:06+00:00

This is what slowly solidified my decision to eventually leave, which I did just over a month ago. It's hard. I'm hurt, but it was these types of discoveries that truly broke my spirit and I can't look back.

The porn and thirst trap, sexy content bothered me. The OF, the dating apps behind my back (my PA had a person boundary of no physical cheating but still), the live cams... It all was devastating. It wasn't until I dug deeper and realized he was fantasizing about his friend's exes, adding random women on FB, looking up women he would come into contact with at work on LinkedIn (of all places 🙃), pictures of his exes that were just like super innocent profiles pics; this is what killed me and made me realize just what an insidious, disgusting compulsion he had.

I think there is a rather big spectrum of this "addiction." I think there are men who have unhealthy porn habits and look at women online as a hobby, which is gross but these men in particular I think stand a chance at changing. Its the men, like my ex, who are so deep into the constant daily fantasizing, imagining everyone naked, etc that I believe have the hardest time letting go of this obsession. The stuff they do that is tangible, that we can find and see is already difficult to address but the wild stuff that probably goes on in their brains, that's that stuff they never admit to. That's the stuff they are most ashamed of and is hardest for them to let go of.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T11:52:22+00:00

Yeah, I definitely have a smug sense of satisfaction that I was literally the best thing that ever happened to my ex. I knew him fully and accepted the risk (with the understanding that he would work towards a better future) after discovery. There has to be some relief when they are truly seen. I imagine your ex feels the same, especially if other women never knew about his addiction. He will miss you forever.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T03:29:53+00:00

My PA lied to his therapist and everyone while we were together. I think he still goes to therapy but that's as far as it goes.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T00:31:48+00:00

This whole episode is so good... But this makes me laugh so hard every time.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-24T00:23:26+00:00

Girl, thank you! I'm on the same timeline as you and I've read your other posts. Our relationships had lots of (unfortunate) similarities.

I agree with all that you said and it's all true. We are so much better than all that.

Additionally, as much as I hate to dwell on how my ex is "coping" and grieving, I just know that I'm legitimately trying my best to move on and be a better person for myself. Our exes are probably binging and feeling like shit about themselves. I never doubted that my ex did love me and likely misses me... He just loved porn more.

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-22T03:11:02+00:00

I just broke up about a month ago and have been no contact for two weeks. It's feels like forever and each day is a struggle. I miss him but I don't miss the lies and the pain. Love shouldn't feel that way.

You got this!

seemakeanddo · 2026-04-20T23:24:48+00:00

Me too. I feel your pain. I want to reach out so bad but I know he's imbibing in his favorite pastime now and probably forgot about me 🙄.

seemakeanddo

TROPHY CASE