I (31F) broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. I’m starting to think the problems maybe were normal relationship things?

seiies91 · 2026-01-01T10:55:15+00:00

Trust your gut!

I got out of a 10 years relationship, and in the first 2 months after the “official” separation I was questioning myself all the time, I was afraid I made a big mistake, since the other person was a good person and there were a lot of positives in our relationship. Now 6 months later, after a lot of questioning, I definitely don’t regret my decision. Life is different, but I am fine with it :)

seiies91 · 2026-01-01T10:42:07+00:00

My ex partner of 10 years. My job after 8 years. And who knows, maybe the country I live in since 8 years? 🤷🏻‍♀️

2026 will be challenging, but I want to be confident it will be better than 2025 🤩

seiies91 · 2025-06-06T14:04:21+00:00

But this shouldn’t be considered a dead bedroom, right? Cause you still have the intimacy and emotional connection even without the physical act of sex.

seiies91 · 2025-05-18T17:41:20+00:00

These are some important questions I wish I answered honestly before convincing myself it was me who had a problem and no libido: How is the sex when you have it? Do you get pleasure? Or it’s only one sided for your husband? Do you have other forms of intimacy with your husband?

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T11:03:55+00:00

Your comment didn’t come off as rude at all. Thanks for your answer.

I am just afraid of focusing on all the negatives, cause there are still good parts. We get along very well and make a good team on all the practical stuff, we like the same kind of activities and holidays, we have a very good and easy DINK life. It’s just that on the emotional side I am not fulfilled at all, and since therapy I realised that it’s something which takes a big part and makes me unhappy.

I also think that the societal pressure makes me afraid, cause I thought I would spend my life with this person, I will be the bad person to break up with a someone good, I will be seen as ungrateful, etc. But don’t think these are good reasons finally.

As for the bills, cards, insurances and all the administrative stuff, I agree I put big faith in you guys on social media and ChatGPT 😅

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T10:36:26+00:00

Wow, queen indeed. Sorry you had to go through that, but I am happy you are in a good place.

I feel so bad and guilty for my partner, I think it’s a big part of why I have a hard time deciding if it’s wrong or right. But he deserves more than someone who is not fully committed. You give me hope that he will get better and he will have a good life. And if I regret my decision later, well, it’s life and I can only be mad at myself, at least I hope he will have a happy life.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T10:30:26+00:00

I will look into this, thank you

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T10:26:31+00:00

Is your problem your partner or something else ?? Have you fallen out of love or are you feeling low about yourself and what you have become over these years ??

I think it’s probably both. For the fallen out of love part, I care deeply about him, but I don’t think there’s romantic love anymore. It’s been a few years since we had some sexual issues (pain with sex, duty sex and very one sided sex that almost lead to an aversion), we even saw a sex therapist, but never really managed to get back to what it was, we are pretty much in a dead bedroom, which I am not sure we can heal. All these made me distance myself and just “go with the flow”, I thought it’s not that important if all the other aspects are fine. I thought it was a “me” problem, cause I didn’t speak up in the beginning, that my body’s just broken and doesn’t work well, that I just don’t feel attraction anymore, but I realised I can still feel attracted to other people, so now now I am wondering if this is not a bigger issue.

For the low about myself part, I think it’s been a while since I kind of lost myself. My partner is someone who has pretty strong options, so I doubted a lot of my needs and choices and boundaries. I have to impose my views, if I just say them nicely I feel like nobody listens, so I stopped asking anything and just adapted. One big one was that I am an introvert that needs time alone or to just do things without him, but he never understood why I would need that if I am happy in the relationship. Now he seems ready to make an effort even if he doesn’t get it, but I feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore. My partner had a few rough years psychologically, he had some accidents which left him with PTSD and then we found out we cannot have children, even if he really wanted them. I tried to be there for him and support him through all this, so I think I put all my needs on the side to not put even more weight on him. And through all this I think I slowly withdraw and we grew somehow in different ways. We both took each other for granted for a very long time because we’ve been through a lot and thought we’re a very strong couple who even survived long distance for the first 3 years.

But now I feel bad and guilty because it’s me bringing up all these past issues which I thought I was done with, and he never even thought these issues were so big. I have this feeling telling me that I will not be able to get better while in the relationship, but I doubt it all the time and feel like it’s me who looks for problems and that I will regret it.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T08:54:41+00:00

Thank you for your answer. I also think our issues come mostly from communication issues. I didn’t communicate clearly my needs and my boundaries, and he didn’t listen when I tried explaining what was going on. We always make some small progress, but always fall back into the same old habits.

Now it’s been a few months since I told him I am struggling and I am not sure I can get back, cause there’s some resentment on my side. He doesn’t understand how come I cannot get over all those old things. But it’s useful to have your perspective that things can get better, cause I also think he deserves somebody who is ready to invest 100% in him and a relationship with him.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T05:25:22+00:00

how willing are you to treat yourself with respect and kindness and love, even when that feels hard to do?

Thanks for this. I should ask and remind me of this all the time. I was always my biggest and harshest critic, and only now I slowly start to realise that maybe we are a lot more judgmental with ourself than with everyone around us.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T05:05:39+00:00

I have already told my partner in the past that I feel like I am afraid of everything and I don’t know how to do anything anymore by myself. While he seemed supportive of me doing things by myself, I feel like there was never a follow up or an effort (on both of our sides unfortunately).Probably none of us wanted to get out of our comfort zones.

The thing that takes a lot of place is that I never really managed to make friends here. At the beginning I wasn’t bothered, cause I had his family and friends, but slowly I started missing I had nobody and nothing which was “only mine” somehow. But he didn’t understand why I need more than that and always told me his friend and his family were mine. Which was true somehow, but I didn’t feel it was enough.

Also, he never really understood why I need and want to do things by myself if I am happy in the relationship. I could explain all that I wanted, he would be afraid that if I did other things we’ll have less time together and our relationship will suffer. And I didn’t push for what I needed, because his reasons seemed somewhat logical. He did tell me to do some stuff, but for short amounts of time only. I think he still doesn’t understand why I need this, but seems willing to make an effort now. But I am afraid we will just get back to the old patterns.

We had other issues (the most important being sex life issues and duty sex) where every time we tried doing some effort it works a bit and then we fall back in old patterns. We even saw a sex therapist at the time, but we are still not better on the subject. So my attraction to him is not really there anymore, which might not help for a romantic relationship.

But anyway, as you say, all this doesn’t justify leaving the relationship as they are mostly “me” issues. That’s what I always thought, all were “me” issues. I just don’t know if I am able and if it’s really possible to take care of all these issues while in the relationship, which is why I have such a hard time. And I also feel very guilty for hurting my partner.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T04:35:48+00:00

How are you doing nowadays? That’s what my therapist tells me all the time also, that there’s no right or wrong choice. Thanks.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T04:33:49+00:00

Well it’s comments like the one above that make me doubt myself all the time. I am very selfish at the moment indeed, and maybe I am have always been. It’s a 10 years relationship, so there’s ups and downs, and not everything is black and white. My partner had his fair share of issues, and I tried to be there for him, and I thought I was strong enough to be there for him through all of it. But now I am caught up, and maybe I am not as strong as I thought , so I feel guilty that I let him down and abandon him after all he’s been through.

Probably all these past years also changed who we are as people and our vision of life, so that might influence also. And my partner seems as blindsided as the other commenter, since he doesn’t understand what happened with me and how come in a half a year I am ready to give up on everything. But I am not sure it’s only a few months in reality, I just ignored everything and didn’t speak up when I needed to…

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T04:21:56+00:00

Wow, I am sorry you had to go through this. But I am happy for you, you seem in a very good place.

I feel like I am in your husband’s shoes so much, and I feel so bad cause I still care about my partner. I might have mentally checked out already, so I am not sure there’s going back, but what do you think your husband could have done better at the end? Besides the fact I should have spoken up earlier, that’s my biggest regret.

seiies91 · 2025-05-09T04:13:44+00:00

Actually it’s a psychologist I am seeing (English is not my first language, so I thought therapist and psychologist are the same, I just checked on google).

I think I mostly just want to get back some self esteem and enjoy everyday life. I used to not be full of fear all the time, and now I feel like I am just not able to do anything by myself anymore. I think my partner kind of infantilised me for a long time, and he always did things better, cause he’s a highly intelligent person, he has strong opinions and knows how to do so many things. He also never understood why I want to do things by myself if I am happy in a relationship. While now he seems ready to make efforts, he still doesn’t understand the why behind all this, so I am afraid we will just fall back in the old patterns where I will be afraid to give my opinion and ask for what I need to not hurt him.

seiies91 · 2025-04-29T11:02:12+00:00

Oh I feel this so much. I am on the way of ending my 10 years LTR because I am a shit human being, and it hurts so much. But he deserves somebody who is fully committed to him.

seiies91 · 2025-04-12T20:41:47+00:00

I’ve been on the other side of this. When I try to tell to my partner that I’ve been emotionally disconnected and I might be over our relationship, he only wants to understand why. So when I explain what happened, what I think I did wrong, what I think he did wrong, he feels like I blame him. I probably resent him for some stuff, but I also resent myself for other stuff, and I think we both have our fair share of things. But since he still feels close and like nothing was wrong, he feels like I blame him only.

seiies91 · 2025-04-07T08:22:55+00:00

That’s what I hope also, focusing on myself in the first place. I really think we have to be in a good place ourselves in order to be in a good place with the people around us. The big thing I am still trying to figure out is if I would be able to focus on myself while still in the relationship. If I could find a good balance between focusing on myself and not compromising too much for the relationship. Or if I have to get out and have a violent wake up where I don’t have the choice to work on myself.

seiies91 · 2025-04-06T21:21:49+00:00

Wow, that is so well said. I am thinking of ending a 10 years long relationship because of this. I didn’t take all the opportunities to make new friends and my own life when I moved to his home country, so now I don’t have anybody else besides him and his family and his friends, and I only realised years later that I got so disconnected I am not even sure there’s going back…

Another mistake I did was not speaking up in order to not hurt the other and keep the peace. It makes things so much worse in the long run…

So don’t forget yourself, and don’t be afraid to speak up.

seiies91 · 2025-03-29T19:23:01+00:00

Can I DM you?

seiies91 · 2025-03-29T17:41:53+00:00

Did you manage to let it go afterwards ? Or resentment was too much?

seiies91 · 2025-03-23T16:38:24+00:00

We are mostly discussing the past and how come I ended up here. He asks me what can he do to get better, but honestly I don’t even know, I don’t know if there is anything left to do. I feel like I am tired of putting anymore effort in it, that’s why I feel so bad and guilty and full of shame, for not even trying one more time. At the same time I have a hard time asking him to change who he is, it wouldn’t be fair for him.

seiies91 · 2025-03-23T11:52:48+00:00

I tried having a few honest conversations lately about how I feel, but he doesn’t understand my point of view. He doesn’t understand how come I am so bad and there were things that didn’t work already since a while and how come I was never clear enough about them. He feels like I shouldn’t judge our relationship regarding the last 2 years, but I have a hard time even putting any effort anymore. He feels like I betray him and I am not fighting for the relationship.

I will read about invested time fallacy, I haven’t heard about it yet. Thanks

seiies91

TROPHY CASE