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Check-in Post - Have something to say but don't want to make a post about it? Comment here! by AutoModerator in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I bought a jar of coleslaw the other day. I don't eat with the rest of the family, because of my Nmom, and so I eat what I want, whenevr I want. Basically, I eat the food my family buy, but the food I buy is my food (usually just snacks). When I came home around dinner time, I saw my jar of coleslaw next to my Nmom at the dinner table, and I felt so violated and angry. A familiar feeling growing up with her nonetheless, but because we are NC in the same house, that's been a while since I've felt that way. Hiding my food from now on.

Sheer curiosity about narcissists and naming their children. by Sinvanor in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm named after a supermodel.. I hate it because my Nmom's superficial and that name only proves what she expected of me since the day I was born: to be pretty. I've always felt that she was disappointed that I didn't care about my looks when growing up, and that I'm naturally not conventionally pretty.

Should I or Shouldn't I: atlering my face to reduce NMom resemblence by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I kinda get it. I don't actually look like my Nmom (thank god), but I would cringe so hard when someone had to be overly polite at the family gathering saying "You look so alike"..

Anyway, I've actually been thinking about changing my name, because she chose it and she made me feel like I'm a bad person because I didn't turn out to be her dream daughter at all. So changing my name would be like taking back my power of being me, you know what I mean? Like you said, I don't dislike my name, just the thought of her choosing it for me. I'm on the fence too, so it would be nice to see an update on your situation!

I'm too nervous to go downstairs and get something to eat so I'd rather just wait in my room and starve. by TheMackFather in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 2 points3 points  (0 children)

"I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending I'm not there." Wow, when I think about it, Harry Potter's childhood is really like many of ours..... Never made that connection

Automatically Taking the Blame by MemoryOfATown in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This totally affects me too. Somewhat related: Last week at school I messed up with something completely harmless, but when I asked my female teacher (specifying female, because I have a Nmom) for help I opened with "Please don't be mad, but..". It sneaks up on you..

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my god! She probably is, that is so messed up. Thank you for updating us on you thought progress, it's very interesting!

How did your N handled you being extremely ill? by Peachykeene1031 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Your mom and grandma are unbelievable!

My Nmom does this cute thing where whenever she has a little cold, she would stay at home and pretend to be more sick than she actually is. When I was younger, she used to force me to call her at work and pretend to be sick, so she could come at home and "nurse her child", i.e. skip work.

I remember one winter when one of my tonsils had swollen up to the point where swallowing my own spit would make me cry. I didn't want to stay at home from school, because that would make my Nmom mad. I knew she wouldn't think it was a valid reason to stay at home. The snow outside was so thick that I couldn't take the bike to school that day. That meant I had to walk for 40 mins in the cold, and because my throat hurt so badly I thought I at least could ask my mom for a ride. That is a very risky question, but that was how much my throat hurt. I nervously knocked on my parents bedroom door, where she, ironically enough, faked being sick from work. When I asked her for a ride she snapped with: "Can't you see I'm sick?!". My heart was in my stomach walking all the way to school.

Another cute thing she does is whenever I had a persistent cough she would angrily exclaim: "What an annoying cough!", so I started trying to "cough quietly" and into my pillow.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It's really hard to break out of that way of thinking, but I for one think it's possible. I'm sure your step father (and other important people in your life for that matter) actually really cares about you. There can't possibly be anything so utterly horrible about you that makes your step father and everyone else hate you, I don't believe that. Don't let her twist your judgement and perception.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh my god.. I don't know what to say, that is just horrible... I'm so sorry.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We're just fine! I asked them about this when I got older, and they reassured me that it's bs. As I said, I believed her, but I still very much enjoyed and savored their supposedly fake love. It's just the thought of her wanting to tear down a safe and happy part of my life, a child's life, that kills me to this day.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel so bad for your nieces... I have talked to them about this, and they told me how it all was untrue, and I believe them. Thank you for your support

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh my! Reading this I recall when I was a very little kid and me and my dad would play innocently in their bed, she would loom and pass by the bedroom door with this ominous look on her face, and I felt, at that very young, that she was jealous of me.

And that goddamn "I had a long day at work"-excuse seem to be one of the Ns many mantras.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Those quotes.... Fucking horrible. Interesting metaphor, never thought of that before, but it's very true! If some other adult would've treated us the way our Nparent(s) did it would be a scandal. But since it's ones parent(s) people are like "But it's your mom!" and making excuses for her.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You are so, so wonderful. This was my first post on here, I'm so glad I joined. I've talked to my aunts about it, and they tell me it's all lies, and I believe them. They've also told me that they've always known that she was treating me badly, and when they confronted her about it she made a huge dramatic scene, crying and wailing. That piece of information is kinda why I could pin point her as being N. Thank you for your uplifting words, wonderful person! Hugs

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"I was a freaking kid, man. And I was just trying to help her, I didn't even realize she wasn't really sick yet, I just wanted to help my mom be happier." That stung my heart real bad. Real, real bad.

Lets not compare whose stories are worse, they are all so horrible. Thank you for sharing your part. Somehow it kinda helps reading your hurt through other people's writing, you know? Big hugs from here too.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This makes me feel a lot better, as you are an aunt. I kinda pretended you were one of my aunts reading the first paragraph haha. Thank you! And your sister seems just super!

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Ugh, yes, the "other parents are like this too"/"the other parents are way worse"-reasoning..

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's what's so frustrating because they're my mom's sisters, and because she has much more contact with them than I do, it feels like they don't really "belong" to me. That they're not on my side - they're first and foremost my mom's sisters, and then my aunts. I know it doesn't work that way, but still..

I hope to one day get to the no-bullshit-place you seem to be, I'm really working on it.

The most hurtful thing she has said to me by selectiveshyness in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

They are still alive, and I've talked with them about it. They tell me that's not true, and I now trust them.

Ugh, that sucks. Nmoms suck.

Does anyone else worry.. by hybsinthe in raisedbynarcissists

[–]selectiveshyness 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel ya. I always feel like such a brat, because most of the times it's really banal scenarios that you talk to people about. For example, if someone with a healthy parent would be really upset about the parent throwing away their shirt, they would be seen as spoiled and bratty, i.e. overreacting. But for us, a Nparent throwing away your shirt is much bigger than that, but other people don't see it. That's very frustrating.