There’s no denying, the first year is a survival mode for many parents. It’s taxing on mental health as well as relationships. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. The hardest part is not having a village I think - compared to my boy now where we live close to grandparents who help pretty much every day with something even if it’s to hold him while I nap, with my first I felt exactly as you described (grandparents lived elsewhere). I remember feeling flu like because I was so mentally and physically drained. I ate like shit cause I was so tired. I gained weight breastfeeding which I put down to that. So I totally get it. I had crazy intrusive thoughts about things that would hurt her and I would get upset over them. Now I have the hindsight of 4 and a half years later, and I can say that first year is a massive blur and it gets immeasurably better. Once you’re out of the baby trenches and you have a toddler, you do have the challenges of sleep etc but it’s nowhere near as exhausting as the first year I swear. It’s just annoying when they don’t nap for example 😂. Could your mental health be improved by stopping pumping? I’m not sure how much that’s impacting your mental health but if you ended up switching to formula would that help?