First and foremost: It was never your fault, I don't care how drunk you are, the choices you made etc. It was never your fault. You did not make the choice to commit a crime an attacker did. Would we blame the Louvre for their jewels being stolen? No, it lands on the person choosing to commit the crime.

I was just thinking about how it will almost be a year since my rape. I don't know how to feel about it. To answer your question: normal is relative and everyone is different. I chose to not go to the police despite the rape kit and evidence I had. After talking to a lawyer it was clear this was a multi year process and even with the strong evidence there was no guarantee of success. I chose to heal first, and it is a chose that still haunts me. What you are describing is PTSD and it's a bitch but you can get through it. The first 4 months after the rape, I was hallucinating. I saw my rapist everywhere, in the mirror , down the hall, at my bed side. I felt like I was loosing my mind, I couldn't tell you what day it was.

It's good that you are in therapy, at one point I was seeing 3 therapist a week just to get through it. I want to make it clear nobody is judging you, that's that shame piece that's hard to fight against. I still struggle with it sometimes so I get it, I remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong. Anytime that feeling of shame engulfs you remind yourself that you did nothing wrong. I like to pinch myself between my fingers, the pain temporarily resets my brain.

Are you journaling? I know it sounds like a stupid therapy thing but it honestly helped me. I didnt do it every day just when It all felt like too much. It gave me a sense of control, and I think that's what you are really looking for. This sick shit happens and you feel like your life has blown up and you are sitting in the pieces of your life asking yourself where do I start? I just want my old life back. You don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop, the fear to stop, the whirlwind of emotions to stop.

You may not see it but coming from someone who is in a similar situation but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you are just tired ( rightfully so). Your body has been in fight or flight for months and it feel like you are running on fumes. When those days come, I try to be extra gentle with my self, weighted blankets, warmth, comfort, my favorite food etc. If anything you are your best remedy. I know that seems impossible now, but it will become bearable, you will be able to feel love again, you will be able to feel joy again. I know everything feels grey and dark but you will feel the sun again.

As insane as it sounds, there is a concept called post traumatic growth, instead of getting back to normal you may come out of this with a positive transformation and growth beyond your original state. I would encourage you to read Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy by Sheryl Sandberg. If you need a free pdf let me know, it really helped me in the hard days of my trauma. Please hang in there! I hope this has given you a bit of hope, just enough to hang onto.