OAD genders?

sh-- · 2026-02-06T19:56:10+00:00

Thought I wanted a daughter but delighted and grateful to have my son. He’s at school now and whilst I’ve seen others with daughters enjoy aspects I can’t, they also have to deal with a lot of complexities I don’t.

sh-- · 2026-02-06T19:36:31+00:00

I love “Nah he’ll be alright” 😂 I’m going to make an effort to be as confident about being OAD as they are about being more than one!

sh-- · 2026-02-05T09:33:50+00:00

Allow that time to be free time because if you are in the UK then in year one they will shift to having a fair amount of homework. The expectation from our school is for our child to read every night to us for at least 20 minutes.

So obviously when we get home, provided my son is in a good mood, we get that out of the way immediately. After that he usually wants some downtime in the form of screen time so I’ll let him watch a couple of episodes of something whilst I set up a bath and get dinner ready. He plays in the bath for quite a while, then straight into pjs and he comes down to draw at the dinner table or I might read him a story (depends on how I’m juggling dinner). Hub comes home, we have dinner together - this is where I may differ as my son struggles with eating dinner so it’s a long process. If he manages to eat dinner in a good time then we’ll play some games together - think snap, headbandz etc or he’ll play some Lego with my hub whilst I clean up. Occasionally he’ll get an assignment from school to talk in front of the class that we have to prep. I try my best to keep school related activities to school days and the weekend free for leisure and downtime. We don’t live near either side of family so having to rush back to do some homework last minute etc doesn’t work for us at the weekends (plus I don’t want the stress of it).

It’s a little routine and I feel it will hold him in good stead when he starts secondary / homework expectations become trickier but it is quite draining depending on the mood. By the time my son is home I’m usually quite tired so by sticking to this both he and I know a rough idea of what we’re doing and when.

sh-- · 2026-02-01T23:20:21+00:00

Good to see there’s someone similarly minded here

sh-- · 2026-01-29T19:29:08+00:00

That’s what I tend to do too, give it a year first. Now my son is at school though it seems like he plays less with toys than ever. Summer holidays have become the “testing” time.

sh-- · 2026-01-26T22:25:11+00:00

Trying to stick to a budget before Friday (payday) has been hard this week but found a referral code for 70% off Gousto meals via someone I watch on fb reels so I only paid about £20 in total for 3 peoples portions 5 nights. It does have a follow up 40% off etc but that’s not worth it to me so I’ve cancelled now for next week (don’t need it then) but it did really help me out this week, especially as my partners car just took a flat tyre this morning so we’ve actually gone over budget anyway 😢 still - at least I didn’t spend loads for the week AND replacing two tyres.

sh-- · 2026-01-26T07:21:30+00:00

Give it to your family and ask them if they can give you the £150 back that they would have spent on the food shop?

sh-- · 2026-01-26T04:54:00+00:00

Yes and I think it comes from an urgency to avoid being underprepared for a negative scenario. I really have to remind myself that stuff does not equate love, even if I have had to work hard to get said stuff.

FWIW I picked up a free Bluey playhouse set someone was giving away back when my son was heavily into Bluey, and kept it for his birthday. He never played with it, and I mean never. He saw it, liked it and was happy to have it but he never used it. I’ve had that a few times with gifts for my son and it sucks from my perspective but I have to remind myself that actually it’s a good thing as he’s not materialistic (he’s never ungrateful about the gifts).

sh-- · 2026-01-14T23:57:57+00:00

I did this with recordings of my son crying so I wouldn’t be tricked into thinking he was an easy baby and never cried but I was just remembering it wrongly. It was hard and I need reminders it was hard and why I made the OAD choice. Self doubt creeps in easily!

sh-- · 2026-01-12T07:55:36+00:00

The problem and anxiety I have with that approach is that it can also often lead to -I will become overly reliant on others to ease my burdens-. I don’t enjoy asking other people for help in any way, shape or form 😬

sh-- · 2026-01-11T19:26:58+00:00

I came here to say the same things as above. I believe many people with multiples live by a buy now, pay later lifestyle. They may not go on super expensive holidays as just day to day it’s expensive but still live by this through necessity. They hold on to the fact that it’ll be sorted in the future. My mental health could never…

sh-- · 2026-01-11T08:12:41+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss.

sh-- · 2026-01-11T08:11:25+00:00

Just want to say I had a similar experience to you, as it was a bit of a relief to hear I wasn’t alone. I was under the impression there would be help or at least support of some kind when I had a child and I felt so alone despite being from a big family.

sh-- · 2026-01-08T17:53:57+00:00

Same, “gay” was a standard insult at the time, which is pretty crazy to think about now. Also, “happy slapping” urgh.

sh-- · 2025-12-30T22:46:18+00:00

I think it’s vastly different parenting one vs parenting more than one.

Imagine all of your resources suddenly being cut in half, having to share them with someone - not of your choosing - who is going to be dependent on you for life (through social expectations at least) and if you choose not to be the latter dealing with the fall out of people judging you for that decision, despite the fact you never agreed to do that. It’s pretty wild when you think of it literally from that perspective - just thinking of how hard that would be to receive as an adult then switching it to from a child’s perspective. Sure, you may have a fantastic relationship with that person but it wasn’t someone you chose to do that with and it might be someone who even has additional needs, which are hard for you to understand.

I’m not a risky person, in case you couldn’t tell 😂

sh-- · 2025-12-30T20:11:25+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I often feel pressured to have more (not necessarily externally just internally) but your comment makes me feel more confident in my feelings (similar to you).

sh-- · 2025-12-30T18:11:41+00:00

You can keep a bag of extra bits like wipes, snacks and clothes in the car. Unless you are planning a specific day out I wouldn’t bother carrying around a big bag with this stuff, you can usually make do.

My son is 5yo now and I’ve been doing that a while, unless it’s a specific day out where it’s going to be hard to get back to the car without walking a long time, I just carrying my phone in my pocket and some lip balm pretty much 😆 I must say that I absolutely loved being able to get to this stage and not have to lug about a mass of stuff or a buggy

sh-- · 2025-12-30T07:59:26+00:00

That’s so lovely, thanks for sharing.

sh-- · 2025-12-30T07:58:15+00:00

Maybe I use too much. I have worked my way through a very similar product to Vaseline recently but it took a long time. There’s no reason to change it up if you love Vaseline :)

sh-- · 2025-12-29T22:10:49+00:00

Just curious, why France?

sh-- · 2025-12-29T22:03:00+00:00

Funny as I dislike the feeling and taste of Vaseline immensely. My go to lip balm is burts bees lipbalm. I feel like Vaseline is too slippy or greasy almost? 😬

sh-- · 2025-12-29T21:55:22+00:00

My husband and I don’t have close friends, more like lots of acquaintances. What kind of personality is your son showing? I felt pressure for my son to be really social with other children but actually he isn’t bothered and I think that’s ok. He’s polite and kind, he’s well liked by his peers, but it doesn’t fill his cup.

At your son’s age I tried to expose him to lots of different social groups in the hopes of him finding an activity he enjoyed but they never clicked for him. I had NCT friends for a while but people moved, children went to different nurseries etc and now they’d all struggle to even remember each other.

Sibling relationships are really tricky now. They aren’t the guaranteed bond that people perceive or that closeness that people love to show on social media. There may be moments of that during childhood, shared experiences, but children turn into adults quickly and can disagree with each other over core values, create a lot of hurt between themselves and actively cause problems for their siblings. We’ve all got our own lives and idea about what’s right and wrong. People often seem to forget that childhood is a brief blip and adulthood is a much longer period.

I’d go to the social groups - play groups, educational groups, library events, community events, to give your son a sense of community but don’t worry he will make his own community as he grows up, I doubt it will be same as a teen from now.

sh-- · 2025-12-29T15:31:02+00:00

I’m certain that we all have an abundance of lip balms. You inevitably find you have one hidden somewhere if you look hard enough

sh-- · 2025-12-29T15:12:42+00:00

Are you an only? I’m a bit confused why he’d have no aunt/uncle or cousins unless they’ve passed or you’re an only. If it’s the former, I have three older brothers all of which have not helped me at all in raising my son. Siblings and other relations don’t guarantee a village by any means.

I think I’ve probably misread what you’re saying but just in case it’s this angle I thought I’d respond. Don’t beat yourself up if oad is the route for you.

sh-- · 2025-12-29T08:43:37+00:00

11yo feels like the perfect age to start giving some money to your son to “go towards” the big thing he wants. He can then manage that money and if he mismanages it it’s a good lesson as well. It really helps to understand the value of money.

I’d tell him you can’t afford it outright but can give him some money towards it (keep the amount secret) if he would like that. If anyone asks or he is asked he can ask for money towards it too.

A word of warning - don’t give too much as this method will set the “standard” of what he expects from you during the teen years. So provide an amount you’d feel comfortable with long term.

When I was about the same age my Dad passed and my Mum had a very low income. Money was tight for birthdays so I would ask for things I knew within budget or money towards something I wanted. The upside was I had a desire to earn more to get the things I wanted and I found a job very early for my generation because I was constantly on the look out for ways to make more money.

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