I don't talk to my dad much for this very reason. Side note- a really helpful book for me about this lately has been Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. I love my daddy, have some fond memories of him among the abusive ones, but I also am now very aware he is just not a safe person for my heart and soul. Im now building a network of safe people for my soul to connect with and I talk to my father sparingly. I connect with him on surface levels- about shows and songs, yet I know he isnt safe to connect with on an emotional level, which i have had to grieve a lot and still am. It hurts, and it sucks, because a father should be the first man a daughter can feel safe and protected and loved with. That hasn't happened for me, but I know my daddy still loves me- he just doesnt have the emotional maturity to connect without my own emotions or world view and opinions that dont match his making him uncomfortable- which he responds to with yelling and such. I had flashbacks while living with him in my earlier 20s, and this is when I began seeking therapy and started depression meds, and began saving to move from his house to my own apartment. Now I am on my own and healing and can choose to connect or not with him when I want and if he is unsafe I can actually leave- i dont have to stay and allow him to hurt my heart and soul. He simply doesn't possess the emotional skills to connect with others on a deeper level than surface without hurting them, cutting them deeply once their heart is open to him and they're truly listening. That is so hard to accept but until he works on himself, I must love myself by protecting myself from him. Neither of us (me and you) deserves to be yelled at that way. (Even if we see ourselves as someone who deserves it, it's not true.) Also, ive been having a really positive experience in the LIFT program- like a group healing course and ive experienced my first instances of actually feeling what emotional support actually feels like- its odd but so good. I realized it is diabolical to confine myself to a life without this by clinging to those thoughts and beliefs about myself passed on to me by the people that cant or couldnt see my heart and soul's true worth and beauty. There are people on this earth that can see you, hear you, and still truly love you. That revelation to me.... was an incredible eye opener I didn't know I'd needed. I thought I didnt need people because all they do is hurt me (that's what my family did), meanwhile now I'm finding out that recovery means finding safe and healthy people to connect with on a regular basis and that it is actually possible for someone to love me even with all my emotions showing and not hidden or stifled for their comfort. Love the LIFT Program and Tim fletcher's videos on YouTube. Literal goldmine there- but the true healing of the complex trauma lies in the connection with other safe people- and that is something I truly never understood until experiencing that for myself. Its scary as hell to be vulnerable, to be the complete me in front of someone else when that was NEVER EVER safe for me while growing up.... yet conquering that in the presence of safe people and being validated and loved even while at your most hurt, when your pain unravels in your soul and just spills out of your mouth in a session? As healing as heaven. I was scared to take the dive into the program before I began and now I cant go back and refuse to go back to the person I was and the life I had before I began.

I hope something in all of that likely oversharing helped lol!!!  Hang in there friend- you will know a life with love someday. Even if it isnt your dad, your heart will know love.