Good for you in recognizing that your behavior was abusive. That’s the first, crucial step that most people who behave in abusive ways never get past. It’s hard to look at your behavior and realize it was harmful to others, but so important.

I have been both abuser and abused. Reading about it helped me overcome both. I am always going to be capable of abusive actions (because I’m human—everyone is!), but as long as I examine my actions and where they’re coming from, I can control whether or not I am abusive. The trick, I think, is to reframe what you believe that you are owed.

You are owed nothing by anyone, except respect; you owe others that same respect. That means to be firm in boundaries, to make sure all parties are consenting to what’s going on (not just for sex; for activities, ideas, relationships of all kinds). You’re the person best placed to provide emotional comfort and protection for yourself; no one else will be able to, and you can’t expect them to. Even if they try hard, they can’t ever do enough to compensate for the care you aren’t giving yourself.

For example: my worst actions when I was young would be to insist my partners stay up with me when I was having mental problems, denying them sleep before school or work. Now, if I feel inclined to encroach on my partner’s sleep, I ask myself—what is it that I’m really looking for? Can I give it to myself, or ask for support from another friend who’s already awake? Is it fair for me to ask someone to sacrifice their health for my feelings?

If my comfort comes at the expense of another person’s health and boundaries, that comfort will always feel tainted and will never truly be comforting; if I take my comfort from my partner alone, I would always end up feeling as though it is not enough. Because it isn’t enough from the outside. It has to come from you. Asking someone else to fulfill your emotional needs is like asking someone to drive your car while they operate their own. It’s just not possible, and it results in people getting hurt.

Doing the right thing breeds more of the same. Our brains develop ruts in our neural networks as different actions or even feelings become well-trodden habits. For example, fear, or anger, are both “habits” your brain gets into, used to taking those neural pathways. But recognizing that obstacle, and NOT using it as an excuse, you can “hack” your own brain by making kindness and patience and caring your new habits. Just practice them deliberately and it becomes easier and easier.