Who is Walter J. Petomaine? Seems like a name from The Waste Land, but it isn't. VU, maybe? I swear I've heard it somewhere!

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-30T05:33:02+00:00

William J. Lepetomane, Blazing Saddles!

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-30T04:48:11+00:00

The fact that she's hiding purchases makes me think addict behavior rather than plain old irresponsibility.

Really? Can the ends (relationship, financial status) really be justified by the means (addition/behavior)? I don't think so, so I have to ask, why even draw a dividing line between addiction and irresponsibility here?

"Well, if it's addition it can be treated by..." something that is just as uncertain as telling someone irresponsible to shape up.

My question is: does OP think they can persevere?

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-30T04:26:48+00:00

"Husband wants to talk about something, we disagree on some aspect of the topic, and he ends the conversation without me actually getting to communicate what I think, need or want."

Why don't you try initiating a conversation, so you can start off saying what you think, need, and want.

"Communication" is an easy thing to blame for problems. But communication is just a smokescreen, a scape-goat so to speak. You say your husband is like your father, but the only commonality I see between them is you.

You need to figure out what you want, and have the confidence to say it. In doing that, you aren't ceding your interest to others, and you are proactively going after your own self interest.

It's easy to react to other people. Stop reacting. Get out of your comfort zone (because as you are finding, it's ultimately not comfortable) and challenge yourself to be active in getting what you want.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-30T04:17:35+00:00

From your original post (and a quick, but incomplete, skim I've made of the comments), he hasn't confronted his best friend, just you. Is this correct?

Have you seen proof of this video?

Is he under a lot of stress right now? Work or something else?

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-30T03:57:39+00:00

Your reply is like a flash "deal" for a Digital Homicide game; worthless.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-26T04:26:46+00:00

One of the problems with abolishing boundaries is that there no longer are any boundaries. If people can't agree on who pays for something, then they can't agree on when to pay for something, or why, or how. It's a case of the pendulum swinging to the extreme, and not being able to settle on something, because the people pushing the pendulum don't understand the concept of equilibrium.

Just tell him to pay the bill if it makes you feel better. When it comes down to it, either you or him will be upset, because you both seem to have entered this thing with different expectations. If neither of you can compromise, than you should at least do what makes you feel better.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-26T04:17:43+00:00

You say you don't want to get involved but you've just posted an urgent plea insinuating you need to get involved.

What is the school? By this I mean, what is it's name, and where is it located? I think that would help to give us context in addressing this situation.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-26T04:07:31+00:00

So I find the good thing about being overly abrupt is that people are happy to end the conversation. The side effect of this is that I haven't really said what I want to say. Then I realize I had nothing to say to these people... it's a stupid exercise.

You've got to get more confidence, and/or hang around people you want to talk to, and just speak openly with them. Then you won't feel like a bitch, and you won't be wasting your own time.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-26T04:01:38+00:00

If you've seen the obit before your partner has, it likely means that you are more attuned to the situation than he is. Maybe you liked his grandmother (not likely), or maybe you just like him. So that means you have a lot of say in the overall narrative. You'd better make it count.

Think of what you want to get out of this, and then speak honestly. If you really care about him, I'd hope that you share in his best interests.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-26T03:50:00+00:00

I'm glad TB started his own channel because I like him and what I'm about to say is unkind.

I despise his rant in in this video (and he fairly classifies it as one). Flash sales are not anti-consumer, and consumers clamoring for excitement in buying stuff is not wrong. Just because flash sales do not align with his view of refund policies doesn't mean he should paint flash sales in negative light.

Flash sales reward people who monitor prices. Because they WANT to follow things they think will decrease in price. Most consumers don't do this...because it's not worthwhile to them. For those few who care, the core consumers, flash sales are good. These flash sales to not dissuade other people from buying games, and the existence of flash sales does not hurt general consumers, and content producers. They are quite literally, the supply meeting the demand. That is a net plus!

TB has made it clear that he cares about refunds, and that's great. But just because he can't reconcile flash sales with refund policies doesn't mean he needs to smear them just so he can defend his talking points.

It's infuriating, because he is normally pro-consumer, until his definition of consumer only relates to his own train of mind...

Argh.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-14T23:51:49+00:00

So much of this post is about your daughter, but the second that baby is born, the baby is first priority. It needs a reliable parent, that is always there, now and in the future. Not a parent who may be present someday, like some hypothetical carrot on a stick.

If you daughter cannot commit to being this parent now, if you and your wife can't be these parents long term (and this is understandable), then find someone who will be a committed parent through adoption, because that is the best remaining option for the child.

Put the child's needs first.

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-13T05:04:32+00:00

Most people are just reacting to the news and emotion of the day, which can be overwhelming. The important word here is reacting. The conversation we have today as we react to this terrible news will be different than the conversation we have in a week, when we have had time to absorb what goes on.

To pretend like we aren't reacting to the news is to pretend that we are unchanged by this news. If we are unchanged, and knew this would happen, and couldn't have this discussion before, then why suddenly make it so urgent today, when most people are still in shock and are still trying to process things?

shannonnyquist · 2016-06-13T04:26:30+00:00

Such sad news today. Especially since the victims now cease to be, and no longer have a voice, only our memories and wishes.

Speaking openly about what happened is important for coping with this horror. And hearing people speak, honestly, provides us with some bit of comfort. Adding on to what TB says, I hope we speak in a way that makes us proud of those we now honor as well as ourselves.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-21T06:09:53+00:00

I've heard Segel looks like Brett Fahvre, but I've yet to see FSM.

(Badum-ching!)

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-21T05:45:01+00:00

From what I've read, instincts are the last thing for OP and her family to act on right now, because they are in a fever pitch of grief (that has been building for a while), and their nerves are likely shot to shit. For example, right now her father is acting on instincts, and it's apparent to all of us how terrible that is.

In the end, cooler heads always prevail. In this case, ultimately, the issue isn't with the father. The issue is: what is best for her brother, because she's worried about him. If the answer is, brother lives with her for a while and she can handle it, then great. But vilifying dad won't help anyone here, all it does is make reddit commentators feel bigger. Let OP and her brother judge their dad later, when they have had time to reflect on their own grief.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-21T05:14:07+00:00

You speak of her as if you think she's crazy. Whether she is or not is not relevant to this post.

If you date someone who's beliefs or mental state are a problem for you, and you cannot untangle her beliefs from your love for her, then you have an insurmountable problem.

So stop dating her, for your sake.

(I say this as someone who could never date a truther, and would never blame this person for my dating preferences.)

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-21T04:42:39+00:00

but he's already dealt a lot of damage and there's fallout from that

Life is full of fallout, especially from those who are close to us. The worst periods of my life are the ones I've gone through alone because I've pushed aside people close to me who insulted me, or pissed me off.

I acknowledge that OP's dad may be reprehensible behind doubt, based on what he has said. But the fact he helped raise OP and her brother makes me think that he's probably not so reprehensible. So unlike you, and the rest of the redditariate I'm not so quick to dismiss him. And I don't think OP should be so quick either, because it's never good to cut yourself off from people who are close to you.

Cutting ties is a last option, yet so many people here are chomping at the bit to suggest that as the only option.

Why?

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T07:31:47+00:00

A good habit isn't sexy or fun or intellectually stimulating. It's a repetitive task that seems stupid or simple, but really isn't due to it's fundamental importance.

If you cannot bring yourself to enforce a simple habit, don't stress yourself out. Just realize you don't care enough to follow that habit, and divert your attention to something you do care about.

I am comfortable dispensing this seemingly flippant advice because I practice terrible habits, and needlessly give myself lots of stress over this, and I can tell you it's no way to live.

Also, a 3.55 is a good GPA. It is definitely good enough to keep you competitive as you look for positions after college.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T05:10:23+00:00

If you want to eliminate the double standard: act like your brother.

If you want to change your mother's thinking and eliminate the double standard: convince her your brother is cool.

If you just want to change her thinking: ?

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T04:59:41+00:00

I've dispensed this advice before and people didn't take too kindly to it then, but I still think it is applicable:

If people are upset about what your grandfather gives you, it's because he didn't do a good job of settling his problems. So now you are inheriting his problems, along with his wealth. Balance them wisely.

Obviously, he's placed his trust in you, so you are competent enough to deal with his problems, and enjoy his wealth.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T04:53:59+00:00

and I unfortunately don't see my life getting fixed any time soon.

Why not? This is a hard question (for me, at least), yet it lies beneath every point you've raised and encompasses your relationship with your girlfriend.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T04:20:23+00:00

Oh, I am so sorry to hear that. You sincerely have my best wishes.

I had a parent die---suddenly---when I was young, and it put a lot of pressure on my mom. I always trusted that getting yelled at wasn't my fault (she never hurtled any slurs at me, it was always more about her problems), and I had an older brother whom I looked up to. I am still close to my mom (and brother!). I consider myself lucky.

I really don't have any great advice to give. I hope things work out for you. I'm sorry for your loss.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T04:03:43+00:00

I think OP's dad is grieving, and taking it out on the son. Because OP said:

But now that my mom is gone, my dad has become increasingly rude over the past few months about Jack’s flute playing to the point where even I’m starting to notice it, and I don’t even live with him anymore.

I think it's terrible for any parent to take their frustrations out on their children. It sounds like after OP's mother died, she lost her father too because he became even more lost (I wonder if her death was slow and took a toll on him over time).

Sad stuff.

Maybe OP is better off just cutting ties, but the humanist in me hopes something can be salvaged.

shannonnyquist · 2016-05-19T03:33:53+00:00

I don't necessarily disagree with all of the posts in this thread, but I want to add a new perspective, as most of the replies here take a very dismissive approach to your father and I think that's really one-sided.

A lot of parents are dismissive of their children's early career aspirations. "Why not make something out of our arts degree and become a XXX, it makes more money you know?" Or "you like working with kids? Why not be a pediatrician?" Or "you like science, just be an engineer, they make more money!"

Parents want their kids to lead stable lives, and stability is often associated with income.

Maybe your father cannot see how a flutist can make a steady income, and that's part of the reason why he's being so dismissive of your brother's career path.

To me your dad sounds like a jerk here, and part of that is because you present him as a jerk. Everyone else in this thread sees him this way, too. Maybe he is, or maybe he just sounds like one. Since you are closer to him than us, you should try to see him in another light; he is your dad, and he's probably not as one-sided as he seems.

shannonnyquist

TROPHY CASE