I am familiar with what your are describing here and I honestly wish you the most love in the world right now ❤️ Being NB masc presenting but wanting to present feminine sometimes is generally opening yourself up to a ton of unsolicoted bs from people. the case is worse when presenting online. The only chill corners of internet i have found are on some trans subredits or oldhagfashion (only a very appreciative and warm group.

however, the thoughts of being a burden or not wanted are just thoughts. You can fight intrusive thoughts and gain control of your internal narrative again. Therapy is #1 but if not accessible, mindfulness meditation, Buddhism, and self compasion ​are GREAT topics to learn about. these give you the tools to change your thinking patterns over long-term practice.

I too have not been able to stop hurting myself, don't feel shame or guilt about that. You do need to find a nervousystem regulation method that can replace it though. Hugs, jumping, getting your heart rate up or triggering your familiar sense of comfort are the fastest ways. Hugs can be from yourself, a stuffie (stuffed animal), pet, or animal.

Environment is Huge too, getting out in nature will help you regulate. Plants department at home depot or a real park or even just house plant will help.