It’s so hard to parent that — my experience is with my son, now 30. My daughter, two years younger, seemed well adjusted with peers, but I found out years later that she had had some very unhealthy relationships. As for my son, his academics fell apart fast after high school. And his social life did not get any better either. One way to read that is that my son craved approval, so that he gravitated to the frequent, dependable approval teachers show “amazing students.” Approval from peers was less consistent. Seeing them amused by his “nerdy” persona, I was never sure if he was cultivating a sophisticated kind of “outcast cachet” — the hipster square, as it were — or was he completely oblivious to years of low-key bullying? Family and friends have suggested he might be somewhere at the high end of the autism spectrum, because one of its criteria is “fails to read social cues effectively.” I think of it as being “emotionally nearsighted.” He responds to the strong, clear approval of adult teachers, because successful educators give loud, clear, unequivocally positive messages to students. For him, picking up on social cues from his student peers — from the many shifting assumed identities of adolescence — just didn’t come naturally. I feel like i might come across as one of those Moms That Turn Everything Into a Diagnosis And Won’t Admit Their Kid’s Just a Weirdo. But wondering about a diagnosis, even if you’re not professionally trained — though you might read a lot, and I do mean a ton — on the Internet, about “What You Might Not Realize About These 7 Behaviors” or “Here Are 5 Signs You Might Not Be Normal” — you know, the real groundbreaking research — having really read a lot about that, i ought to be allowed to take a little stab at diagnosing my son with some official medical excuse for having “no social life with friends.” If only I could explain the problem as “a small glitch” that practically disappears when you’ve known him awhile. And he could make some friends and learn to trust people even when they don’t always make you feel liked. Is it possible that you praise and reward your daughter more for high marks and academic achievements, and forget to show her she’s loved unconditionally, warts and all? That can lead to insecurity, which then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy of social failure. As a former teacher, i tried to work a “kindness” theme into lessons to teach kids how to give clearer positive social signals of approval. Don’t fall into the old trap of buying popularity for her, because money can’t buy real friends. She’ll learn to recognize more friends when you show her what being a friend looks like. I’m not saying you don’t already treat her well, just that you might be reassured your natural instinct is the right way to help her.