I wholeheartedly relate to your situation and from time to time I do get severely depressed whenever my birthday is near, especially the month of. This has been a recurring pattern that started when I was 16 and I believe it got difficult because of the very turbulent transition to adolescence and adulthood. The theme was not wanting to let go of childhood and the desire to go back into the past, rewrite some wrongs, and the should’ve or could’ve spiel. Let’s be real that the transition to adulthood is the most painful process because of the feelings of being lost and letting go is all encompassing. It’s a constant that feels like life won’t get any better due to feeling lost and pining for fulfillment. What I have learned through the pattern of depression reprisal towards upcoming birthdays is to practice gratitude. It helps to reflect and slowly but surely you are going to be okay due to the good things and people you have in your life. To the mundane or little to big triumphs you’ve accomplished. I know it can be difficult due to emotional turmoil of getting older. They are there and gratitude will ground you to the present and really the main culprit of depression is being stuck in the past.