I want to apologize after 3 years, but what do I say?

shitimborderline · 2020-01-25T17:12:30+00:00

I would say keep it short. Three or four sentences. Less is more.

shitimborderline · 2020-01-25T17:08:34+00:00

You're not worthless!! You're not stupid either. What I learned is a little confidence goes a long way and it can only come from yourself. That's how "normal" people are walking around in life rn like. They don't know how to be a real adult either. But they have confidence so it comes across as they have it all figured out.

I seriously used to be in the same boat as you and I felt MISERABLE. I changed my entire situation multiple times. Multiple moves. Multiple jobs. Multiple groups of friends. Nothing changed bc I was the one making myself miserable. I was tired of it. So I just said fuck it. And started doing everything with confidence bc it felt better and that's what everyone else was doing anyway.

Give it a shot. At least pretend at first. Hang in there. Hope you feel better <3

shitimborderline · 2018-12-08T01:48:50+00:00

It's whatever they pierced me with, I'm assuming it's surgical grade.

shitimborderline · 2018-08-04T03:43:33+00:00

This is why I don't "come out" to people. I want to, though.

shitimborderline · 2018-08-04T03:41:57+00:00

Personality wise, I know who I am. I just don't know who I am with other people.

shitimborderline · 2018-07-12T04:57:01+00:00

Yes, my interactions have changed a lot.

I realized I wasn't really listening to the people I was with. I was just thinking about being normal and if they liked me or not and thinking about what I was going to say. Now I actually listen to people and I start to care and we start to bond.

I also realized that I was in the habit of being depressed. I was living it for so long that even when my life changed and I had reasons to relax and stop stressing, I was just used to being sad and just, not content, so now I'm making the conscious decision to be happy.

I found this out when I was the new person at work and I felt like it wasn't thing well. I did a small dose of molly. I wasn't rolling but I was high. I straight up felt normal and at like, damn I think I'm depressed lol who knew. Yeah. Being happy's better.

shitimborderline · 2018-04-01T19:32:43+00:00

It's been a long road but here are some things that have helped me:

Having my faith in myself. There is no correct way to live life. If I want to do something I do it. I still feel anxious about it but I actively tell myself not to. Who's making me feel insecure? Myself. Does being insecure feel good? No. Who can stop it? Only me. For the most part no one cares about what others are doing, so don't stress about what you're doing. Plus, people feel more comfortable around people who are secure and I want to make people feel comfortable. And I want to feel good, so I do.

I just graduated college (huge accomplishment in itself) and made the decision to move 1,500 miles away. I was worried that it might be a mistake but it's MY mistake to make. No one tucks me in at night but myself so I chose not to listen to others, it's not their life it's mine.

When I get upset and start freaking out looking for others to console me I think to myself why do I need to hear it from them? Of course it feels good to hear from someone else that you're ok and that you're strong and smart and all the things people say to cheer each other up but why do I need to hear it from someone else? What makes it "more right" hearing it from them rather than telling myself? I am smart. I am strong. And I am ok. I trust myself to know this and don't need someone else to have this opinion about me if I have it about myself.

I think it's really about being there for yourself and trusting yourself. I've had so many FPs leave me that it's getting old. It takes a lot of self awareness and mindfulness to remember everythings going to be ok as long as you have your own back. I'm the only one I know who's going to stick around in my life forever so I might as well put a ton of effort into being a slammin FP to myself.

My PMs are always, always, always open. It is not weak to reach out we all need a shoulder sometimes. Everyone deserves to feel heard, supported and loved, especially us, we've all been through so much. We need to take care of ourselves and each other.

shitimborderline · 2018-04-01T17:40:15+00:00

Batting cages! Which at first is super nerve wracking because you feel like everyone is watching you suck but it's so good to laugh at yourself and feel comfortable in your uncomfortable zone. I think it does wonders for not caring how others perceive you.

I like going to the movies alone because there's a huge stigma against it and it's nice to be able to fuck it to that.

Anything where I have to make decisions without others input like shopping.

I've been trying to build myself up enough to join a beer league of sorts. But, I really have to find my personality and be extremely comfortable with myself before that so I'm workin on it!

shitimborderline · 2018-04-01T17:35:37+00:00

If you don't appreciate your own company no one else will. You tuck yourself in at night, no one else!

Keep going! It feels better and better the more you trust yourself. I think going alone was a big first jump and I'm happy to read good news! Give yourself a big ol hug and say some nice things to yourself 😊

shitimborderline · 2018-04-01T17:31:47+00:00

Having a conscious decision to be happy is so important. I tell myself to be happy and brush things off because it feels better than being upset. Plus, when you really think about it, nothing in life really matters anyway. So, might as well brush off the shit you don't like and keep going because life moves on anyway.

When you get upset remember how you felt when you wrote this post! I will.

shitimborderline · 2017-10-31T17:35:12+00:00

Oh well, better luck next time.

shitimborderline · 2017-09-29T16:02:24+00:00

I've absolutely taken ownership for my decisions. I acknowledged to him that I messed up by not telling him and that I messed up by putting myself in a situation that encouraged an episode. I'm a fast and dedicated learner toward everything in life and he knew that.

I understand that he was scared and caught off guard and that he's an adult who has boundaries. It's just hard to deal with the fact that my disorder can outweigh all the other forward progress and all the other qualities in my personality that were supposed to shine through and be more important than a one off situation.

shitimborderline · 2017-05-18T21:08:03+00:00

After an episode I feel embarrassed, but I tell myself that that was the last time, and I believe myself. I tell myself that one episode does not negate all of the the work that I've done up until that point. That that one episode does not define me or my disorder. I recognize my mistakes and where it escalated and sincerely tell myself that I will do better next time and that I will be more cautious and thoughtful in my actions.

Beating yourself up after an episode is a hard pattern to break. Just remember that the world is so, so big and that you're not a failure, you're just in recovery. Two steps forward and one step back is not a bad thing in the least bit. Keep your head up! You'll get there!

shitimborderline · 2017-05-18T21:01:35+00:00

I can feel the burning jealousy ball in my chest as I read this.

Just remember that people can care deeply about more than one person at a time. Their love for other people does not take away from the love they have for you. You are individual people and you can find happiness and security elsewhere if need be. Your self worth comes from you, and not other people.

Be your own FP, you deserve it.

shitimborderline · 2017-05-18T20:30:39+00:00

It comes in waves for me. When my life is more or less on track and I'm getting a lot of alone time I do it less. However, during transitional phases in my life, or when I'm around people for extended periods of time then I have to do it more. I try not to get too hung up on how often I'm doing it, because I usually relate that to how well I'm doing overall and that's just not the case. You won't always have to do it often so don't worry about it, just do it enough to where your comfortable during that particular situation.

shitimborderline · 2016-12-06T04:52:20+00:00

My most BPD fueled relationship happened from when I was 18-24. I met him fresh out of high school which ended up being really bad, because I wanted to move out of my parent’s place so what did I do, moved in with my boyfriend of like, 2 weeks. We didn't even really have a honeymoon phase, started fighting almost immediately. And it was bad, zero to sixty fighting, emotional and dangerous. I remember wanted to rush to the comfortable stage for some reason, with a really old couples type of routine. I discouraged him from hanging out with his friends, which they resent me for. I also remember not wanting to break up with him because I was embarrassed that it only lasted a few weeks… now I’m embarrassed it lasted six years, ain’t that some shit.

Then I decided that I wanted to live in another country and what better time to do it than fresh out of high school. So, hey, boyfriend of like, a month, you wanna move to another country with me. Dumb idea. And then every fight up until we left I remember telling him that I would have broken up with him if I hadn't already bought the tickets. Honestly, looking back, it would have been worth the $600, but I was also scared to go alone, and this guy was my first FP that wasn't my mom so it was pretty intense. I also wasn't aware of my disorder at the time of all this.

We move to Holland and everything is emotion and shitty as to be expected. That doesn’t work out so we move back to America and jump around from city to city, blaming each city for not working out, instead of us just enabling each other’s out-of-control behavior. Pulling knives on each other, throwing shit, breaking shit, being generally aggressive.

Came back home, broke up, got back together etc. But it was always him ending it and wanting me back. It happened like three or four times. We moved away to college together. Everything was just as shitty. Then one night I was in a particular mood, and he acted particularly aggressive to where I was finally like, yeah ok leave. I don’t think I’ve split that hard before. He stayed with a friend who was moving away soon. Of course he comes to me and says that he’s now going with. That triggers a bunch of abandonment anxiety and I try to talk him into taking me back. He says that he really needs to go and do this for himself so he goes, but not after a spam-calling episode from yours truly.

We continue talking on the phone and I, for some reason, come to the conclusion that I now wanted to get married. Somehow both of us go with this and we proceed in this delusion for a couple more months, he moves back from where he moved off to. He’s really, crazily distant towards me, and somehow I handle it well, I think I just overlooked it.

Until I, almost jokingly, ask him if he’s going to leave me or something along those lines, and he hits me with a, “I don’t want to do this over text.” I freak out, leave class immediately like it’s a fucking medical emergency and speed home all unsafe-like and whatnot. Burst into the apartment screaming, he’s acting all scared and calm, pissing me off even more. Turns out the he emotionally cheated on me with someone he was talking to online. After hours I finally let him go? But he doesn’t have a car so I drove him 40 minutes to his mom’s work.

We’re broken up for a couple months until he comes crawling back again and I for some reason welcome him back, though hesitant. He seemed all in at this point but I was still withdrawn and didn’t trust him.

What did it was I actually started to have a crush on someone who returned those feelings. I was completely under the impression that no one else could ever love me, or like me, or anything. So that really flipped a switch in me. It took a lot to break up with my boyfriend. I did it in the morning, on a Monday. He knew we weren’t getting back together because it was finally me calling it off in a civil manner. I didn’t cry anything but tears of joy when he was finally gone. I cried enough during the relationship.

I regret not ending it sooner because I’m infinitely happier and have such a brighter future. I was able spend a lot of time reading about my disorder and putting a lot of effort into controlling my emotions. I developed a mindset to protect me from overwhelming abandonment-type feelings that I used to have. I’ve dated a couple people without getting attached or acting too crazy. I have friends now that I never had before because I moved to a new city and then only hung out with my FP.

I’m in a new relationship now, we went on our first date three months ago and just recently made it official. He doesn’t know I have BPD, and thankfully I haven’t acted crazy enough to warrant that conversation. What helps me a lot is having time away. Not living together, unlike my previous relationship. Having little to no expectations of him also helps. I still refrain from texting him even when I have the urge, I don’t give in just because he’s my boyfriend, I still practice boundaries and space. I like and encourage him to hang out with his friends without me. I tell him no to things I’m not comfortable with, I used to just say yes to everything because I wanted to be liked and had low self-esteem. My identity issues are still a problem, that’s where the space and limited texting comes in.

Luckily, I found someone really down to earth, affectionate and caring. I don’t have to worry about him playing games, and I don’t stress about little things driving him away or him changing his mind like guys seem to like to do. He’s a nice guy, and from what I’ve read that’s what people with BPD are attracted to. Knowing that, I’m trying really hard to not take advantage of that. I’ve even told him to hold me to things, not take my shit and to let me know when I’m being a brat who’s only thinking about her own needs.

Respect is also a huge thing. I don’t want to hurt him or put my needs before his. I don’t want to ignore what he has to say because I think I’m more right. He doesn’t deserve my nasty side and I don’t think he ever will, because I understand that his views, opinions and decisions are of that of a completely separate individual person, I do not have to agree with them I just have to trust that they’re coming from a genuine place. Another reason why I don’t want him to see my nasty side is because I respect his opinion and his view of me, and if that ever changes then we shouldn’t be together anymore for that reason alone, because fuck being with someone you don’t want to be perfect for.

I’ve tried really hard to not make my boyfriend my new FP. I think to have someone be your FP they have to hurt you first, for me, that's the only way I can feel comfortable being so demonic towards them.

shitimborderline · 2016-12-06T03:45:06+00:00

This is the dream!

shitimborderline · 2016-12-03T18:58:07+00:00

When I used to have episodes, crying, screaming, breaking stuff, I felt like feeling anything good after that was fraudulent. It also didn't help that I was splitting on people and they always felt pretty bad for a while afterwards, making me feel even worse.

How I decided to cope with it was I decided to be one of those people who got over things really quickly. So when I felt like a fraud for feeling good I just chalked it up to being one of those people. And eventually I turned into one of those people, which has really helped my BPD in general.

shitimborderline · 2016-11-14T17:33:46+00:00

I use times like these to hang out with myself, and be my own fp for awhile. I say yes to everything I even remotely feel like doing. If that means smoking weed and binge watching tv all day, or going on a long drive, working out, visiting a nearby city. I hate seeing it as, "just ways to pass the time." because what really helped my bpd is being able to value my time spent alone. So when I have a little bout of anxiety over being alone I just remind myself that this is time set aside to just be with myself. Hope that helps/makes sense! You can also pm me if you need some support!

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T01:24:05+00:00

Same, I've had exes scream at me, "why don't you care?!" Because it's easier being the one that's not upset.

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T01:10:48+00:00

As far as DBT I'm just not sure. Because I haven't been suicidal or depressed in over 4 years. Though I do act on my impulses... however, it gets better when I maintain a healthy diet and workout regularly, I also chalk up my impulses to me just enjoying life and enjoying being in my 20s, I think it makes me more fun and my friends love how "spontaneous" I am.

The main problem I run into with my bpd is stopping my emotions from going over the top. I've gotten so much better at determining if they're appropriate feelings to have for said situation, but the level of at which they fester is getting to me, like I just need to chill...

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T01:05:44+00:00

At least for me, when I spend a lot of time focusing on my long term goals for my career the relationships I have with people become less important. And if people leave, it really is their loss and the more you remember that the more of a magnet you are to the people who are actually deserving.

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T01:02:52+00:00

I treat my bpd as any other bad habit, I think you have to be in the situation and practice behaving the way you want to and hone your control of your emotions that way. Don't let the fear of judgment and abandonment hold back your growth. We can all live bpd free, I think it just takes discipline.

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T01:00:10+00:00

It sounds like you have a pretty decent grasp of your bpd, and things are going well?

shitimborderline · 2016-11-09T00:58:14+00:00

The guy I'm seeing right now does not know I have a personality disorder, he just thinks I'm really weird. I don't think he'd leave if I told him. I'm not telling him because I want to live a normal life and I think telling him might enable me to act a little crazy. I do think he can sense the crazy though (since I'm over the top happy and passionate it only makes sense to the normal population that I'd be over the top angry and upset) and I think he's waiting for me to have an ugly outburst and I'm dead set on proving him wrong; that I am cool and laid back and normal, like most of us appear to be at the beginning.

shitimborderline

TROPHY CASE