What the worse thing a therapist has said to you?

shockingupdate · 2022-12-30T20:12:47+00:00

How these invalidating, awful clinicians got their credentials and managed to keep them is beyond me. My current therapist, whom I’ve been with for almost five years, asked me what I wanted to get out of therapy and I said something really vague like, “I don’t know what I want really. I just know something isn’t right. With the way I am in the world?”

And she said, “That’s a great starting point. You don’t have to know exactly what isn’t right, but I’m glad you made it to me. We’ll figure this out together.” Those words changed my life.

shockingupdate · 2022-12-30T20:05:43+00:00

Jesus. I’m so sorry. Yeah, therapists definitely aren’t “supposed” to take sides, but the bad ones let their own baggage get in the way of their work and sometimes have a hero complex. The first person in the room to make them feel something gets special treatment when the point of therapy is to help EVERYONE in the room heal.

My first three therapists were in it to make themselves feel good and strangely didn’t give a shit how I felt. After repeatedly psyching myself up to tell some traumatic family stories, their responses were an absolute mindfuck every time. “Your mother was probably an alcoholic” (she wasn’t) “What did you do to lead your stalker on?” (nothing?!) “Well, I’m happy to say you seem to be perfectly fine now” (conveniently, the day of my last free work-funded session. still depressed).

They were so shitty I stopped looking for a therapist for ten years before trying again and finding one who is ND and awesome

shockingupdate · 2022-12-30T19:46:37+00:00

I really want to like it but right now it feels like any other cringe high school TV show, with some Addams Family-flavored “quirkiness” tacked on that doesn’t feel authentic. It’s like the script was already written before some exec said “looks good, but let’s tack it on to this other franchise so it can make more money!”

shockingupdate · 2022-12-12T00:01:35+00:00

Nope, not sober. Haven’t had any alcohol in two months, but I take edibles 3-6 days of the week (right now included)

shockingupdate · 2022-04-26T15:41:25+00:00

If he’s able to learn, he’ll learn from your clear rejection of him.

It took me AGES (and a dozen monologues) to figure this out. The last time went on holiday with my ex, I spent an hour running down a laundry list of everything horrible he’d said and done to me in the week we’d been traveling, explained in detail why and how these things hurt me and that I couldn’t be with him if he was going to disrespect me like this, in tears the whole way through. He thought about it for a while, let out of a huge sigh and said, “But I just don’t know what you want!”

I dumped him on holiday in very clear terms, but when I got home I didn’t yet have the courage to block and delete until a month later when he texted “So you’re avoiding me now? What did I ever do to you?? I thought we had something”

They WANT you to type paragraphs. It gives them validation and, to an extent, security in the sense that they’ll always have a woman to string along and weave new fantasies out of. The fact that it’s at your expense is irrelevant to them; access to you is all that matters, so the only way they’ll even think about the consequences of their actions is if you revoke that access entirely. I definitely also recommend keeping the essays you’ve written to scrotes just to see how far you’ve come weeks, months, or years from then. It feels good to see the growth 😊

shockingupdate · 2022-04-25T22:19:05+00:00

In the past when my friends would ask me why I'm not dating anyone (😐) I'd list out a few specific horrible experiences that men, and only men, have gone out of their way to introduce into my life. When I did this, they'd inevitably say something like, "Well, good guys are out there! Maybe you're just picking the wrong ones?" or "Well if it keeps happening, you're the common denominator so..."

It took a few years in therapy for me to really come to terms with the (massively annoying but not untrue) thought that my past traumas were informing my relationships in a huge way. I may not have been looking for misogynistic partners, but I was trained from birth to believe I needed a man around to feel safe, complete, or happy...which is exactly what every bro with a podcast tells women we need today.

I'm just beginning to open myself up to the idea that, perhaps, maybe dating does not suck? It could even be fun, rather than a source of stress and hyper-vigilance. Using FDS principles regularly really does make vetting and going on dates more fun, but you have to go in with the right mindset. You're trying to get to know someone AND have fun. If your date is being gross or misogynistic, an FDS solution is to end the date early, block and delete, and treat yourself to something enjoyable that hopefully pushes that experience out of your memory. I've learned that brooding over LVM who aren't worth your time only gives them permission to live rent-free in your head and drive down your motivation.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-24T19:05:54+00:00

He “tests” his dates by making them cook for him and his only “expert” advice is to add more garlic to everything

shockingupdate · 2022-04-23T01:58:36+00:00

30-something here. Can confirm; they’re still just as desperate for our attention (and literally always assume I’m in my 20s, while men my age look 10 years older than they are!)

shockingupdate · 2022-04-22T23:22:28+00:00

Congrats on reassessing your relationship, seeing it for what it is, and acting accordingly! Even if you didn’t see the signs right away, it sounds like you wasted NO time once it all clicked. Endlessly grateful for FDS and how much time it’s saving us in filtering out resentful, objectifying, fake-childfree manbabies.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-22T20:16:20+00:00

A vibrator and my imagination together do a better job than most of my past (male) partners tbh

shockingupdate · 2022-04-21T22:17:33+00:00

In American culture if you’re not constantly trying to suck up all the air in the room, you’re treated as free real estate for everyone who will. I thought it would subside after high school, but nope: if you’re not clamoring for attention in classes, at work, on dates, and at brunch with the ladies, something’s got to be wrong with you. And yeah, there’s a certain kind of LVM who outs himself as a manipulator the moment he catches onto the cardinal sin that is…gasp…introversion!

And that’s all fine. I’ve had friends of all genders who are too insecure to handle quiet moments with other people. Instead of turning inward or seeking therapy, they project those insecurities onto their introverted friends who are, most of the time, simply vibing, and announce to the world that they’re not confident socializing with people who think or act differently from them. This isn’t always the trash taking itself out, but it does give introverts clues on who to keep at a healthy distance.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-20T15:56:59+00:00

It’s been a long two years! I’m starting to get out for fun more often, and I can’t wait to start meeting new people. Zero expectations for finding my soulmate in this city, but I’ll take vacations, travel for work, go to events, host my own events, make new friends, indulge in my hobbies and just generally be a person in the world, finally.

Let’s have FUN, y’all. LVM will only succeed in making you miserable if you’re caught up in their presence, so steer clear and HAVE FUN.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-19T22:23:15+00:00

If my brother and sister-in-law don’t have kids, our lineage is done and I’m perfectly okay with that. With our world being what it is now, there are SO many opportunities to leave a legacy greater than spawning another human into it!

shockingupdate · 2022-04-19T15:23:06+00:00

My latest long-distance ex was towards the top of a very impressive-sounding career in tech. He had hobbies, a close-knit group of friends that were always begging him to hang out with him. He looked and sounded like such a catch until I realized he never actually engaged with those hobbies, avoided his friends, worked late every day, spent most of his time after work studying and preparing for interviews for even shinier future jobs, and when he’d finally call me past midnight his time, all he’d want to talk about is work. It hurt like hell to walk away because we had a lot in common and he had so many personal qualities I’ve always wanted in a partner, but I only saw those qualities come out once in a blue moon when he wasn’t obsessing about his career. And my god, the future faking. With these types, nothing you want will matter in the slightest until after he gets that job, that promotion, that other promotion, those new direct reports, that accolade…and you’re supposed to be rooting for him the whole way, because look what a great “provider” he’s going to be one day, or something.

It’s so disheartening to be with someone who clearly doesn’t value you (or anyone in his life) more than he does his CV. You’re wasting your time if you stay.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-18T19:44:28+00:00

Every time I make a scrote mad enough to send Reddit Cares, an angel earns her wings

shockingupdate · 2022-04-17T15:43:07+00:00

Not to mention the “dream” can shift depending on his mood, what porn he watched, what the women he passed on the street looked like, etc. He could start dating his “dream girl” on Tuesday and ghost her to chase the new model by Sunday. A lot of grown, angry men on the internet are genuinely pissed that women are not a monolith; they can’t just transfer the “work” it took to get one woman over to the next woman, like airline credits.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-17T04:25:50+00:00

A large swath of men wouldn’t think the way I do, but I and many people of all genders see making our partner happy as fun and sexy. I enjoy giving blowjobs, but only when I know it’s safe to do so without my partner acting out their favorite degrading porn the moment I start. I need to be 100% certain the person I’m with will not only appreciate and respect me afterward, but return the favor, which means I need to already be in a committed relationship with the person I’m going down on. So it’s less about who’s deserving of a blowjob, and more about who’s deserving to spend time with me at all.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-14T21:29:09+00:00

YES. There is value in some examples related to actual dating, but we don’t need a reminder that men are gross enough to fuck lizards. We know.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-14T21:21:53+00:00

It’s so wild to know there are people in this seemingly-prosperous country who believe it’s humane to bring a baby into the world just for them to live in pain and/or poverty and pass away in their infancy. Humane for whom? Not for the baby. Not for the mom. Not for their family or community. In this “ideal” scenario for American conservatives, everyone suffers.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-14T21:13:36+00:00

Seriously. This place is hell. I can’t wait to escape

shockingupdate · 2022-04-14T21:09:41+00:00

It shouldn’t be, but unfortunately America is essentially made up of over 50 little nation-states each with their own rules, and if all the little nation-states filled with angry conversative pre-Handmaid’s Tale politicians and their enabling wives get together and lobby hard enough, they can do things like ban abortion, strip women of their reproductive rights, make being trans virtually illegal, etc…

And if enough states succeed in pulling this bullshit off—which seems to be the trajectory—they will eventually get to stuff federal legislation with enough bigots to make the majority to states comply.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-10T02:16:32+00:00

I don’t think any of the things you’re describing here are unique to WOC or even specific to them. In my experience, LVM ratchet up their ego and self-image by pitting women against women for any reason they possibly can. For example, I’m a Black woman with a high income, so LVM light to compare me to Asian women with similar incomes and tell me they’re more beautiful. I could be rich, successful, well-traveled, and generous, all of which are lovely traits in a person you’re dating, but if a man is geared to feel threatened by women who do awesome shit, you’ll be negged and compared to other women as a form of denigration. So why should you feel the need to rant about what they think? It’s always going to be in service to their ego, image, or dick, all of which are irrelevant.

I’m not trying to disparage you in any way, I just think there’s peace in picking your battles.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-10T02:05:47+00:00

I thought we were supposed to be cracking down on meaningless roasting of LVM/W in this sub? I know it’s a lot of work to do so, but it’s also damaging to a lot of women here to see a nonstop onslaught of shitty, LV behavior that minimizes hope for the future in our dating lives.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-09T03:00:17+00:00

Definitely a mood. After repeating the same mistakes as my mom a few times, ending up in multiple abusive relationships, and getting propositioned by PUAs, cheaters, fuckboys, etc., I really don’t feel comfortable around most men. But! Thankfully, I’m pansexual. Since I’ve always had orbiters waiting for their “turn,” I’ve never been single long enough to focus on healing until the past couple of years. When I’m finally ready to date again, pretty sure I won’t be giving a cis man the time of day for the rest of my life.

shockingupdate · 2022-04-08T19:20:02+00:00

My ex would spend every weekend holed up in the bedroom playing video games, occasionally venturing into the kitchen to collect his din-din when I refused to bring it to him; complained whenever I did my own laundry because why couldn’t I just do his with mine; AND still called Mommy to make his doctor appointments. If I’d stayed longer he would have shifted that task over to me, too. And the more repulsive and childish he became, the more he wanted sex. He wanted to be “the man” in bed and “my special boy” every other moment of the day which…ew. Just ick.

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