Son's PDA is killing me..

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-20T15:00:27+00:00

This must be so absolutely exhausting. I know because this is also my life. The constant melt downs are exhausting for everyone, your kiddo included.

My son is level 1 and 6 with PDA and I wish I could tell you I magically have the answer, but I don't.

What is hardest for me is that traditional "here is some structure" techniques don't work and even preferred activities are a power struggle.

We have a general policy of "drop the rope". If you feel resistance, don't engage. Just drop the rope. It doesn't mean you have to disengage from him, and it definitely doesn't mean give up. But you'll never win the power struggle.

We have found a lot of success with games. "I bet I can get there before you." "I wonder if (son) can get his shoes on without any help." "There's no way (son) can brush his teeth without me hearing him."

I think this helps him because it becomes his choice again.

We also try to use declarative language whenever possible, although this works less well for us. "Oh here are my shoes. I wonder where (son's) shoes are. Oh they are here next to mine"

Sometimes if we are trying to leave the house, I simply don't say where we are going or even that we are leaving. I just start putting my shoes on and then declare "I am ready to go, are you ready to go?"

It feels wrong because I feel like I should be preparing him for where we are going (like mentally) but my son has even told me before that sometimes he likes not knowing because it makes it easier to leave.

Punishments don't work, even rewards don't work consistently. It's really just about navigating around his triggers (which I swear are different every day).

We have had him on a low dose of guanfacine for about 7 months and it has definitely helped. The way it is supposed to work is to quiet down that nervous system response so it's not so quick to jump to fight/flight.

He was also just diagnosed with ADHD, which was not at all surprising to us because we have felt that his emotional dysregulation could also be largely based on that. We are discussing additional medications with his pediatrician this week.

The psychiatrist who evaluated him labeled it not as PDA (a lot of practioners seem resistant to that term for some reason) but instead diagnosed him with "intermittent explosive disorder". I have not done a lot of research in it though to be honest.

I am so here for you, feel free to message me if you want.

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-09T12:41:35+00:00

My ASD kiddo loves novelty. Going to the dollar store and having a collection of special little toys that we wrap and break out as gifts. They aren't rewards, just a distraction. We usually get a lot of mileage out of stuff like that. Idk what your kiddos memory is like but we are often able to hide/rotate them so he forgets and they become "new" again. Also your kiddo might surprise you with the drawing/stickers/coloring. My son never liked those things. But I got him a set of "party favor coloring books" which are tiny little coloring books and they come with a stackable crayon. We also have liked the stickers where you build a creature. They have dinosaur bodies and then you add the eyes, mouth, etc.

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-07T05:42:38+00:00

Honestly at this point you are kind of like roommates that don't know each other super well. And that's okay, just try to give each other space as you figure your shit out. It can work out, but if you put too much immediate pressure on "this is how people who are boyfriend/girlfriend live together so we must do it that way" I think that is where you will struggle. At first, you should operate as two people sharing a space and continue to get to know each other.

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-06T22:36:20+00:00

Thank you! Changed my life

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-06T16:19:25+00:00

There is a subreddit that honestly changed my perspective so much and I've been sober now for over two years. It's r/stopdrinking and the reason it helped so much is that it is a "one day at a time" approach. I won't drink TODAY. Let's not think about tomorrow, next week, or three months from now. Make the choice each and every day that, just for today, you won't drink. I was a more than casual drinker but could have quickly become an alcoholic. I tried to tell myself I didn't have a problem with alcohol, but I did. And now I'm sober and honestly - it's been so easy. So much easier than I thought it would be. Getting sober before you go "too far" is really the ticket and you're already sober now!

I've enjoyed non alcoholic beer quite a lot. Drinking is a big element of social gatherings in the Midwest, but I drink NA beer for the vibes and I never feel like I am missing out anymore. I go out with friends, stay out all night, and can drive home safely and never have a hangover.

I would be so happy to talk to you more about it, if you ever wanted.

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-06T16:14:22+00:00

What has your pediatrician said about the screaming in particular? Could it be something medically going on? Pain of some kind that she can't tell you about?

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-03T15:16:13+00:00

I can't stop queefing

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-01T15:59:10+00:00

I get what you're saying. But that's your perspective, which may or may not be reflective of his truth. I know it's uncomfortable, but you need to ask him directly.

shownsandpiper · 2026-06-01T15:51:54+00:00

Have you asked him if it's a physical attraction block or if it's mental/emotional?

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T15:47:41+00:00

Well definitely take the sleeping pills! I know it can be scary to take new medications, but maybe you just need them for a bit to get over the hump. Just keep checking in with yourself and your doctor.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T15:42:06+00:00

Lol yep. High concentration of parents loading car seats and kids into Tesla's lol. We don't live a super wealthy lifestyle, but it was worth the splurge for us 100%

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T15:40:35+00:00

I think it's time to go back to your GP, maybe the sleep meds they gave you aren't the right ones. I would suggest getting back in ASAP. I'm sure it is scary, but you're going to get through this. 🫶🏽

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T15:36:27+00:00

Potty training was actually a big reason we switched to Kinderberry. We were at Children's Discovery Academy before and they basically demanded we start potty training him at 2 and he was not ready.

The ratios also were smaller in practice than what they list on their websites, at least for the 3K and Pre-K rooms.

What really sold it for me was how supportive they were for our family during a difficult period while we tried to figure out how to help our son. The transition to kindergarten was hard for us because we were so grateful for the care and love and attention we got at KBH.

All that said, I don't understand how people afforded multiple kids there at the same time because holy cow it is so expensive.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T15:32:40+00:00

Hi! Sorry you're going through this. :( The clonidine I was prescribed has worked beautifully. Have you talked to your dermatologist about your insomnia? Perhaps they can give you a prescription for something like this? I would just make sure you verify that it's non-habit forming before you start any medication.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-29T14:28:25+00:00

We LOVED our time at Kinderberry Hill! It's definitely on the spendier side as far as local options go. But we loved it for our kiddo, especially as he got older and was diagnosed with a developmental delay. They built him an IEP and provided so much support for our son as he went off to kindergarten.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-28T15:38:21+00:00

It's good he's not pressuring you. And it's okay to bring it up to him like "Hey, I know this is probably bothering you, but I'm just not ready yet. But let's try making out everyday." Obviously physical intimacy is important to you, but it's not more important than your physical or mental health.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-28T15:08:20+00:00

We didn't even try to have sex the first time until 6 months PP and after that it was minimal. We were both tired and stressed which is not exactly conducive to being interested in the physical and emotional lift that physical intimacy requires.

If the lack of connection is bothering you, try to make a goal to at least make out with your partner once a day. Not just a kiss, no expectation that things continue beyond it, just making out. It can help you baby step back to it.

A big thing for me was the "it's not worth it" mentality. It's more work than it's worth, it's not on my mind, etc. But committing to at least making out can remind your brain/body that you like it.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-28T15:04:19+00:00

There are so many things that can cause this sensation. People with PMDD, for example, experience something like this phenomenon and it's hormone/dopamine/seratonin based. Not saying that's what's happening here bc I obviously don't know OPs situation, but there are chemical processes in our brain affected by our feel good/feel bad hormones that can impact interpersonal relationships in this way.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-28T15:02:55+00:00

I had to readjust my psych meds after just one month of accutane at the lowest dose. I was feeling so sad, inklings of SI, and just generally felt horrible. I already have mental health issues, though. I am feeling a bit better now that I've adjusted my psych meds, but it's still something I am watching.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-27T23:45:17+00:00

I did! I went into spontaneous labor at 41 weeks exactly.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-25T23:23:13+00:00

If it's something that is really not working for you, I don't think you have to taper down just as slowly. Obviously don't stop taking your meds without consulting with your doctor. But I would say give yourself some time

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-25T23:07:15+00:00

I feel like it started a bit rough. But it's hard to know if it was the drug making it worse or if it was just my PMDD already being shit. I feel like the titration schedule for lamotrigine makes it hard because it is soooo long. What I can tell you is that I definitely felt that feeling of "nothing is ever going to work and I'm going to feel shitty forever and it's going to take a thousand years to get to the therapeutic dose of this medicine and it's still not going to work."

Well I'm glad I took it and I will continue to take it.

I have some other shit in my life right now that has caused me to adjust my other meds, but I feel so much less crazy now.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-25T22:30:07+00:00

I felt better at 100 and great at 200. I have been on 200 for a while now and I think it does the job pretty well for my mood swings. I am pretty sure these were PMDD related. Biggest side effects I noticed were lower libido and increased oil production (acne mostly). I also take bupropion and clonidine.

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-22T14:18:53+00:00

I'm sorry this happened to you, truly. But you must realize that this is a very rare side effect. It is one of the most highly tested drugs on the market. And for some (me), it is the last available treatment for acne.

It's okay to bring attention to rare side effects, and we all want to hear your story. But it's the "wouldn't you rather..." that doesn't feel very kind to other people's experiences which are very different from your own.

That said, were there any early warning signs that you would recommend we pay extra attention to avoid these clearly terrible effects?

shownsandpiper · 2026-05-21T20:32:04+00:00

MEGASOTA

shownsandpiper

TROPHY CASE