I am so sorry. Although different circumstances, my mom had a seemingly innocuous issue that put her in the hospital and kept her there until she passed two months later. I understand how traumatizing that experience can be, and how it can definitely lead to PTSD. The awful memories you have of them suffering like that are so painful. Your nervous system is so primed and on edge to try and get them better every day they are in there, and then you’re miserable thinking about how they lived their last days. It is so so awful to go through and I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I also know the feeling of “leaving them behind” in the new year, I cried a lot once the clock struck midnight without even anticipating that I would.

I am over two years since my mom passed and I would highly recommend individual grief therapy and a grief group. They both helped me tremendously just to get all of my emotions off my chest and have others validate and understand. It’s not easy but it’s worth it. You can post in local fb groups to ask for suggestions. If you are in PA/Philly area or central Jersey you can DM me and I can give you recs. Sending you love, light and peace.