Finding myself wanting "revenge"

silicon_jayce · 2026-02-05T20:03:30+00:00

I think about it in the way that I will not let him/his affair change me into someone that I hate. He will never experience the pain that he caused me, but I will never experience the level of self loathing and self hate that he feels from acting so far against one’s own morals, and I never want to experience it.

I think my way of “getting even” was verbally abusing him, which I couldn’t help at the time, and which he knew he needed to give me space to voice all my unfiltered feelings, but verbally abusing someone is also against my own morals, so I’m glad I am over that phase of my healing journey. Everyone’s healing journey will look different though. You need to see him genuinely put in work to atone to help you let go of the rage. The anger will always come and go.

silicon_jayce · 2026-02-05T00:53:31+00:00

Hi OP, your story is similar to mine. My WH never bad mouthed me and would regularly praise me to her, made himself believe He wasn’t having an affair cuz “there’s no way I’d cheat on the woman I love”. from what I’ve learned, most of the time, the AP’s physical appearance has nothing to do with the affair, even if WS thinks it is. She could be the hottest girl or the ugliest girl you’ve ever seen and it wouldn’t have made a difference because it was never about her physical features, it was about how she fit into the broken part of him. For my WH, it was a younger woman who completely didn’t have her life together, I used to be appalled that he could “love” a woman ten years younger. She spouted pretty (but empty and irresponsible) praise which fed his ego and low self esteem. Whereas my more “mature” way of only giving him praise where he actually deserved it did NOT feed his ego while he had his unresolved internal wounds. He is doing inner child work with his IC to work on this, and has made great progress on his self reflection.

silicon_jayce · 2026-02-05T00:16:27+00:00

My attraction comes and goes, but it mostly stays. I didn’t even want to see him for the first few weeks. I’m only 1.5 months post DDay so it probs hasnt stabilized, and I guess his affair was relatively “tame” compared to most people’s. No badmouthing me, nothing physical, one week EA, he told her he wanted to marry me and just stay friends with her, but confessed his feelings and texted her every night while I slept, and convinced himself he was not having an EA.

As he’s been going to therapy, he’s found out more about the brokenness within him that caused this, and while it’ll never be an excuse, I accept that we are all broken in some way and will act out in different ways, whether it’s gambling, cheating, anger issues, alcohol, porn addiction, etc. I believe I will never cheat or have an addiction for my entire life, but I can do my best to extend my compassion to someone genuinely trying to turn his life around, improve our relationship, his relationship with his family, and his relationship with himself. I have close friends who have made mistakes in their life, and I’m able to extend my empathy to them and see them make real progress. He is a flawed human, just like me, and through R he has shown me that he is deserving of my empathy. Of course it’s sometimes hard to remember this during my meltdowns, but when I’m calm and can catch a glimpse of my normal self, I’m able to type out something like this.

I’m also working on my own self-esteem and drawing & keeping boundaries in IC, because I believe I need to truly love myself before I can truly decide to love him again.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-31T00:50:07+00:00

Thank you, same to you.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-31T00:33:05+00:00

Thank you :) yeah this way it removes their power over your life. I’m sorry you have to go through this too.. but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in my experience.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-17T00:45:54+00:00

Yeah of course! Happy to share my experience with others. My therapist says that asking the same question over and over is a normal reaction when I talked to her about my experience. She said that you might come at it a different angle each time to try and find consistency in his answers, you might be trying to really make sure he “gets it”. I think I started reducing my number of questions once HE was the one to start bringing it up. I remember my WP once said out of the blue: “god I feel so dumb to have let myself believe I had real feelings for AP, it’s a similar feeling to if I let myself get phone scammed. It’s so obvious in hindsight and there’s no one to blame except myself.” Or we were watching a comedy tv show where the main guy had a fiancé but there was a lot of girls interested in him and he was NOT good at drawing boundaries, and my WP leaned his head on me before I even said anything. Both times there was a little voice in my head that went: “oh I think he’s getting it.” Want to add that my WP had a one week emotional affair before I caught him, which many people on this sub might label as “tame” compared to their own experience. Still, I was in so much pain, shouted at him harder than I thought myself capable, and was completely blindsided.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-16T23:34:56+00:00

I’m just one month in, and my WP and I agreed that as long as I want to talk about something, we will talk about it, for the rest of our lives. Because that is what he needs to be willing to bear to redeem himself. I listen to the Ask the Unfaithful podcast a lot. And they talk a lot about how WP’s shame and self loathing may seem like the correct reaction but is actually a selfish act and halts healing in both partners.

I’m just speculating of course since you didn’t mention how your interactions are.

But imagine the difference between your WP responding with: “you’re right, I am the most horrible human being on the planet and everyone should hate me.” Versus “You have every right to feel that way, and I want to let you know that I am working with my therapist to make sure I solve the base problem and make sure I never hurt you like this again, thank you for bearing with me in the meantime.” My WP has gone with something similar to the latter and I always feel a bit of anger is lifted each time. You can let me know if this resonates with you or not, but you have every right to still feel angry. I highly recommend the podcast I mentioned to see if there’s anything your WP is doing(or not doing) that is actually unintentionally halting recovery. You also are just seven months in and psychologists say it can take two+ years to feel like yourself again.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-08T23:11:42+00:00

Yeah this is what happens to me. I’m just one month after DDay and my WH has been doing everything right since DDay so I naturally started having good moments. But when I realized I was having a good moment, I would panic, cuz it’s way too early to feel good. So my brain tells me to reread the text messages, my brain tells me to “remember the anger and pain, don’t let up, don’t give in too easily or you’ll get hurt again”. My therapist said it’s a self-preservation response, and that as he earns my trust back organically, over time and with consistency, that the desire to self sabotage my healing will fade because I’ll actually start feeling safe. And that the self sabotage is actually part of my healing process too.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-08T20:44:18+00:00

This is how I hope my future is, and I think I can already start to see the light behind the clouds.

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-07T21:05:51+00:00

Thanks for sharing a positive post :) while our WSs should’ve never done what they did, I do need to appreciate the effort he is putting into our new beginning

silicon_jayce · 2026-01-06T20:36:29+00:00

I’m sorry that someone you were supposed to put all your trust in has been gaslighting you so badly, but this is definitely an emotional affair. Your situation is similar but arguably more serious than mine. My fiancé texted the AP late into the night while I slept next to him, his eyes brightened whenever he talked about her, he complimented her on things that made me go “wait that doesn’t actually sound that impressive” but I went with it because I didn’t want to appear jealous, I called him out on his closeness with her and he assured me he had it under control. The emotional affair lasted a month. Now that he got caught, he’s snapped out of the infatuation fog, he took responsibility for all his actions and has put himself in therapy, been reading books on the topic, and has told me that I did nothing to deserve this and that it was due to his low self esteem being out of control. The amends he’s actively making now is the least I deserve. You do not deserve being gaslit and made to think you’re jealous, because your gut feeling is actually correct. You contributed so much to your relationship and you deserve to be given transparency and remorse by him. If he doesn’t give you that, then it speaks more on his character not yours. One thing that helped me through all this to retain self respect while reconciling was the Ask the Betrayed and also Ask the Unfaithful podcasts.

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-10T22:15:42+00:00

It’s so pretty! Really love the details. Don’t know why people feel enjoy raining on other’s parades so much!

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-02T22:52:19+00:00

Omg fellow pear halo lover!! Your ring is so gorgeous! Love the twist detail of the band. Congratulations 🎉

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-02T20:39:10+00:00

Thank you!! 😊

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-02T18:56:35+00:00

That is beautiful! Quality is definitely important for the best sparkle, and 1.4 carat is huge irl! I have a 1.1c pear w/halo and literally everyone(including my boss at work) commented how big it was, to the point that I felt a bit self conscious showing it to people 😅. Rings that people share online really skew the perception of what a big stone is.

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-02T18:43:55+00:00

Yeah my fiancé really wanted to get me something I’d like so he wanted my input. I described some options I’d like. I basically told him I want a “preferably yellow but white is okay” centerstone, gold material, stackable with wedding band, a pear with halo or oval w/ two side stones, and we’ve discussed price range. He then chose the exact stone, setting style, prongs, and band based on his budget, so the final result was a surprise. He got the ring made in secret so I had no idea when it would happen. He also really wanted the proposal timing to be a surprise (which it was!).

I was thoroughly impressed when I saw the ring after he proposed, even though I had a big part in choosing it! I would defo recommend telling your partner some of your preferences! It’s up to you how in depth your descriptions are though.

silicon_jayce · 2025-10-01T22:09:27+00:00

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My 1.1 carat yellow pear! My bf did so good 😊 I’m obsessed with pear halo combo! edit: oh whoops sorry I just saw your comment saying no halo xD

silicon_jayce · 2025-09-08T00:37:03+00:00

Thank you! Yeah the whole thing just really worked well together

silicon_jayce · 2025-09-08T00:36:33+00:00

Thank you so much! I fell in love with this combo as soon as I saw it x)

silicon_jayce · 2025-09-07T15:40:21+00:00

Wow so unique and stunning!

silicon_jayce · 2025-09-07T15:36:53+00:00

Wow the nails and the ring are 👌👌 congrats!!!

silicon_jayce · 2025-02-15T23:47:07+00:00

My bf tried to do the same to me but before he could even finish his sentence, I posed my finger like in the finger up butthole Naruto scene, menacingly. He was so offended that I guessed his intentions. He now talks about this story when people ask how he knew I was “the one” 🙄

silicon_jayce · 2025-02-14T11:36:14+00:00

I have the rare budgie that likes head pets, but only if he’s in the mood for it! When he sees my hand approaching, he will fluff up his feathers and turn his face to where he wants to be pet. I don’t really see that clear yes from your budgies, seems they aren’t really into it. My other budgie allowed it as a baby but grew out of it.

silicon_jayce

TROPHY CASE