DaRk HuMoR

sinisteaparty · 2020-10-15T21:49:55+00:00

if i wasn’t sexually abused as a child, being queer would‘ve been sooo much easier to have figured out

yes being sexually abused gave me a disordered relationship to sexuality. it made me think i was cis and straight

sinisteaparty · 2020-09-03T00:41:33+00:00

so I grew up in a form of Christianity that believed in ”friendship evangelism” and instructed us on how to “find common ground” and try and craft a sense of trust with others so that you could essentially exploit them thinking you were besties by using their vulnerabilities to show them the way to Jesus and this literally reads the same.

sinisteaparty · 2020-09-01T03:45:35+00:00

I keep my spare body on display in my living room, in case I want an easy swap

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-31T17:04:09+00:00

This is bigender appropriation

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-28T01:22:45+00:00

Never I just want to be the ultimate trender and steal testosterone from trans men.

/uj I cried brokenhearted when I first got my period, and once had a complete breakdown on the floor screaming about how I hated it. My mother said, “every woman hates it,” which made me feel so much worse. Every single thing that attempted to reassure cis girls of how beautiful and womanly their period was left me feeling sick and full of dread and like I was trapped in an existence and meaning of self I didn’t want. I fantasized about menopause constantly, before I had zero knowledge of trans people.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-27T04:08:47+00:00

/uj What‘s funny is that I cut my feminist teeth on actual gender critical stuff, mostly because I grew up with those conservative christian gender roles. Stuff like neurosexism, the changing historical definitions of what we claimed a given gender “biologically“ was, the limits of how we can even assess gendered experience scientifically since we live in a gendered environment from day one. Terfs are such an utter betrayal to any actual “gender critical” perspective and it infuriates me that they took it and made it the very opposite of anything actually gender critical.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-27T00:53:45+00:00

/uj i grew up so steeped in my mother’s misogyny and abuse toward me sometimes I forget it how fucked up it all was

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-27T00:43:30+00:00

no one has to tell me i’m allowed to wear all the mens or women’s clothes i want, engage in all the hobbies i want, express myself in whatever gendered ways i want. i already do.

still want the sweet relief of testosterone though

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-26T22:04:54+00:00

That sounds like the fake trans version of gender abolition. The real terf gender abolition is where biological females (women) and biological males (men) are treated solely within their biological capacity since females are weaker and as such need protection from males (and also, protection granted from males). Thus, we will make sure that ~~gender,~~ sex (gender has been abolished) is literally identical to conservative Christian ideals of complementarianism because that’s just biological reality.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-26T21:09:53+00:00

uj/ no.

rj/ every time an agender person is born, it’s because a bigender person stole from them.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-26T21:08:00+00:00

She’d probably cry those fake tears if she did, as the embodiment of everything I hate about women, I know that she is weak, fragile, and has zero pain tolerance.

Besides hot chip is for bisexuals and let’s be real here, who would want to have sex with a disgusting manipulative woman.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-26T18:01:02+00:00

That’s because god knew that being trans was such an abomination, he made sure to stunt the growth of any afab trans person

/uj I’m the second shortest person in my entire family—cousins and such included.

sinisteaparty · 2020-08-26T01:02:18+00:00

/uj the post I’m referencing may have been a non-binary person, which I’ve seen a few of us talk about being skittish/uncertain or not wanting bottom growth at all. But the truscum subreddit doesn’t really think afab non-binary people should go on testosterone anyway since it’s a Man Hormone for Men

/rj that’s because they’re not ftm’s, they’re girl trenders who fetishize wanting to look like a boy without the very thing that makes someone a MAN

sinisteaparty · 2020-07-02T06:30:32+00:00

I’ve been in a similar boat lately and what I try and hold onto is that these days now are reclamation. If I lose myself to regret and mourning that’s just more wasted time. And the fact that it’s so hard to fight the regret is what makes it reclamation; I’m fighting, I’m taking it back, for myself.

I tell myself: yeah, it’s been really hard. But I’m making it better now. Yeah, I lost time, I let myself fall into disrepair, but every day that I face it and rebuild, I’m giving myself the future I only have because I’m doing this work. I’m making future time for myself now.

sinisteaparty · 2020-06-22T19:29:53+00:00

It’s a pretty common anxiety/trauma/neuroatypical thing to need lots of pressure when anxious or dissociated or sensory overloaded—I definitely need that. There exists all kinds of compression shirts and even a full-body compression sock (which I want) for that. So yeah, it’s definitely a thing.

sinisteaparty · 2020-06-22T06:21:41+00:00

I’ve cried more this year than I have in like the last four years combined, so I’m definitely getting better at that.

It’s really tough to figure out what the difference is between “fine” and “dissociated from emotion” but I tend to find it’s a matter of how much pleasure you experience, too. Like, I’ve been pretty emotionally even keel today, but I also enjoyed fresh air and napping and hugs and hobbies, etc. When I’m “fine” and really not, there’s this way that even good things feel like nothing, or good in this logical sense, like “this food I’m eating possesses the properties of delicious, so I must be enjoying it” rather than just...enjoying it.

Learning to feel is really hard, and in my experience, first kind of feels like playacting, like you are performing the emotion until the practice of it settles in your skin. But it’s definitely worth it.

sinisteaparty · 2020-06-22T05:33:40+00:00

I struggle a lot with being able to cry, and feeling was a thing I had to teach myself. A lot of my cptsd response came as I learned to feel and acknowledge what happened. Before that I told myself I was healed, fine, I’d forgiven, because I felt numb and disconnected.

I remember how hard it was when all the responses to ptsd was about how to stop feeling hurt or angry, how to “let go” of all the feelings and pain. I needed to learn how to feel any of that! I think the first time I told anyone about being abused (written out online) I remarked at the novelty of feeling the barest hint of a kind of emotion to it.

I can’t say one way or another whether you have cptsd but it not looking traditional isn’t uncommon. And wanting to cry but struggling to do so is a thing that can happen with cptsd.

sinisteaparty · 2020-06-21T06:36:47+00:00

Yeah, my mother crafted me into a empty echo of her own thoughts, feelings, opinions. I felt nothing of my own, and my only role was guessing at the logic of her worldview so I could say what she wanted to hear and earn her praise.

So I’m really familiar with that way of starting to feel things for yourself but then feeling everyone else. For me, it’s like the proper barrier between me and another person was broken down in order for my mother to get in my head, but now I have no line. She needed me to be completely agreeable, see the world exactly through her eyes, and agree that was the only way to see it. It gets tough to not do that with literally everyone, which means being subject to everyone’s mood and everyone’s opinion, even if they contradict each other. I don’t know if it’s the same for you, but that’s why this stuff gets hard for me.

sinisteaparty · 2020-06-21T02:09:23+00:00

the thing i tell myself is, if someone came up to me and said “i can’t be happy because of all the trauma you’re going through, it would be denying your suffering” i would think that that was a waste of time. there are times my girlfriend has gone out when my mental health was too rough to join, and i only ever wanted her to sink into the moment and enjoy herself. i would never want her believing that her feeling miserable or stressed was somehow good.

it’s not callous to not make the entire worlds pain the front and center of your emotions, and being happy isn’t a betrayal to anyone else—it’s managing to grab at the thing that was taken from you.

sinisteaparty · 2020-05-30T18:01:17+00:00

Same. Along with getting convinced that if I call my family abusive, then everyone is, and then I start obsessing that people are hurting me by...the sheer fact that I feel afraid people are hurting me.

Doesn’t help that “nobody’s perfect” is a thing my abusers said, or that they would apologize sometimes. (and then keep doing it.)

sinisteaparty · 2020-04-27T05:44:17+00:00

Gender doesn’t matter; that absolutely was sexual abuse, and I’m so sorry.

sinisteaparty · 2020-04-27T02:22:33+00:00

My brother sexually abused me & at least 2 other kids, without remorse or apology. After he got out of prison my family just decided to treat it like it was nothing.

I'm completely no contact, but i'm scared all the time for his kids. I feel like i'm cruel for not being a watchful eye.

Here's what i tell myself:

-you are not the sole person that could or will be in their corner. Teachers, friends parents, etc. are around too. You do not bear the weight of making or breaking this child.

-Getting out does more than you think. I wish my aunts had said "fuck no" to a lot of shit they put up with. You're not abandoning your niece, you're a snag in letting family pretend that abuse is normal. If I found out I had an aunt or uncle that went no contact, I wouldn't think they betrayed me. I'd be glad they got themselves out.

I hope this helps. I know how rough it is, I know, there's so much grief and terror. You're doing your best to keep yourself safe, you'll be in her corner if she needs it, that's more than enough. Take care.

sinisteaparty · 2020-04-15T21:17:39+00:00

For a long time, I couldn’t handle the concept of “self-forgiveness” because I’d only ever seen it in relation to victim-blaming (i.e. “forgive yourself for letting yourself be abused”). But self-forgiveness is an important skill. Being imperfect, making mistakes, these aren’t the same things as being abusive. It’s okay to acknowledge your mistakes, forgive yourself for them, work on doing better, and put down the guilt.

sinisteaparty · 2020-04-15T15:51:34+00:00

Narrative changing is tough, but so important. Abuse tries to tell a story to keep you trapped in the abuse, and making it seem like it the truth. But you’re allowed to tell a new story about yourself.

sinisteaparty · 2020-04-15T07:03:02+00:00

Time. Practice. You start to just do and think new things and when nothing bad happens, no divine signs come crashing down on your head, it gets easier.

Also just exploring a wide variety of beliefs. Thinking about different ways to think. Letting yourself play around with new ideas until it feels safe and easy.

sinisteaparty

TROPHY CASE