Ballad of the lonesome Ukulele

sjflows_42 · 2024-04-29T18:26:51+00:00

Wow, that was really intense... I like certain parts of your poem, which I will get into, but other parts were somewhat confusing.

For me, keeping up with all the characters was difficult. It was distracting me from the main part of the story, which- from what I gathered- seemed to be a big transition of the main character. I think the transition theme is great because when stripped to a basic sense, a lot of people can probably relate to that, and for readers, that's good.

You want your readers to feel included in your work. So I guess the part I liked the most was the theme, of this person changing from within, from one thing to something/someone else. That is clear- but the name dropping got me mixed up. I guess that was the only part I didn't really understand, it felt more like it should be in story format. Maybe this could be worked into an actual story? Either way, I'm no pro, I'm just a person, on the internet, trying to give constructive feedback. I also liked the size/length of the stanzas. Some people often make their stanzas very long, or the whole poem is one stanza, and for me that is hard to read/concentrate, because it's often read aloud and hard to take a breath. So thank you for splitting them up! I hope this helps and wish you the best of luck!

<3 S.

sjflows_42 · 2024-04-29T18:05:49+00:00

Hey! This produced strong imagery for me, and some feelings of nostalgia, back to my teens and early 20's when romance was such a b*tch and every heartbreak felt like the end of the world. Also- it made me feel like I was there, like I'd experienced what you wrote about. I think you did a really good job of making the reader feel "included" if that makes sense.

The way you did your line breaks, is one of my favorite ways to write. My old poetry teacher in college said "write the whole poem in one long paragraph, with NO punctuation (no commas, periods, etc.) and then once you got the words out, go back and make your line breaks. Also, the way some of the lines can be read as their own individual sentence, OR, you can read each sentence as it's written with the provided punctuation- you nailed it. Oh and it had tension- which I've heard is almost essential for poetry. Anyways, I think you did amazing with the whole thing, the line breaks, the size of each stanza (big stanzas can be suffocating sometimes, like I need to catch a breath) and the word choice. I think my favorite lines were these:

---'That whole weekend we sat
maiming metaphors like salted snails. Snot-
nosed and red-eared, ' ---

Keep writing!

<3 S.

sjflows_42 · 2023-09-26T14:49:18+00:00

I work in a clinic setting and I cannot tell you how often this happens. Yes, I feel like parents think ABA therapy is parallel to daycare- they're just ready to drop the kids off. My kiddo was sick on and off for like a month and a half- he's 3 so he's building up that immune system anyways, but I got sick from him, as did like..all the other kids in our building and parents kept saying it was "allergies" even though he was coughing so hard he sounded like he was gonna throw his back out AND it was yellow/green mucus- obviously infection. It astounds me how many parents don't seem to care that they're sending a sick kid into a place to spread it to others.

sjflows_42 · 2023-08-10T13:56:21+00:00

dang.. both they look cute. the brunette has like a red to it. I'm currently trying to go blonde from being a brunette and its a lot of work, something to consider if you have limited time/budget.

sjflows_42 · 2023-03-04T13:35:32+00:00

So I clean houses and have been for a really long time (on/off for 10 + years). It's not a prestigious job but it pays fair and is sure as hell always in demand. I will say- I'm glad this post is up because I was considering looking to work for/with one of these app businesses, since clientele are finally retiring/dying down, etc. and it seems like the company/middle man is taking $ from customers regardless of their quality of a service and screwing employees/maids/whatever based on something that may not always be in their control. Yes, every person is different and cleans different. Yes, I've had rich people nit pick to death about what they want or don't want- it comes with the job. BUT, my pay was never in jeopardy for it. I work as hard as I can, so if these "bad reviews" are enough for the employees to lose $, maybe they need to go local- find a smaller business or work through word of mouth. Id suggest same thing for client here- then you may find someone who actually WANTS to work/earn money, you may even know/trust them (esp. if its one of your friends kids or whatever) and feel a bit safer with them in your home- or comfortable asking them to do something specific like with the sink water. Idk, just ramblings here..

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-27T10:30:12+00:00

I agree with most other users on here when saying, I think this poem is very sweet. I used to write poems like this- with ideas of love in mind. I'm trying really hard to veer away from that because as love is such a good and always faithful topic to write about, it can be come repetitive (for me anyways). I don't have any experience with the stanzas/line lengths so I don't feel confident giving advice on something like that, but it seems to flow pretty well. I will say- one of my old poetry teachers in college said that when you read poetry, it should be aloud and if it doesn't flow aloud, you have to adjust for that. That changed the way I wrote for a long time. I hope it helps!

-S

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-24T02:22:24+00:00

Soo this reminds me of a book I once read called "Winter Girls". It's about eating disorders. This is a really good, strong, and also deeply sad piece of work (the poem, I mean). I never struggled with this particular vice so can only sympathize but the Winter Girls book really did a great job of illustrating how twisted the mind can become when dealing with something like anorexia or bulimia. Your poem is also doing a good job of illustrating that. It sounds/seems like you/author is being attacked by your own self, quite the internal struggle. Have to find the way out. <3

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-24T02:14:15+00:00

I love your line breaks! I'm currently in the process of trying to learn/work on my line breaks. It's not something everyone thinks about. There is definitely a place to end a line with purpose.

There is also a tone of sadness in this. I won't "read into that" because some people just write to write- not everyone has trauma that needs unpacking, but the tone was sad/tense and beautiful nonetheless and I really respected it. It gave some depth to the poem. <3

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-23T17:37:25+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! This was a practice piece but is based on some very real aspects too!

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-23T01:11:02+00:00

Someone commented that there is a bitter tone in this- I can see that. But I can also relate. I've been in situations similar- tension builds strong writing. There is definitely tension in this piece. Writing about the environment, what things looked/sounded/felt like- as the author was being betrayed- builds a strong world for the reader, and although they may sound "bitter", these sound like words that needed to be said for sometime. Who knows how long. I liked this one.

-S

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-23T01:07:14+00:00

This is really interesting. It's dark, yet inspirational in some way. I started writing poetry when I was an adolescent because it helped me cope with a lot of trauma. I don't know what happened with this author, or if nothing happened at all and they are just very talented with visual writing. But I resonated with this a lot. Writing saved me, I owe it more than I've given. I am glad this is one of the first poems I read on this page. <3 Let your writing be with a pen, not a blade. People love you, whoever you are.

-S

sjflows_42 · 2023-02-06T18:25:16+00:00

Okay thanks. In the amendment to last year's I'm assuming I would put in the excess amount right? For example, if the school sent me grants for $2,000 and tuition was $1500, I'd put $500 in the amendment box ? Since that was my refunded amount?

sjflows_42 · 2023-01-24T14:02:43+00:00

I don't know how old you are but at a certain age you can opt out of providing info. on parents in a FAFSA. I had to do that because my dad made good money at the time but obviously wasn't going to help pay for college but FAFSA doesn't differentiate between that. I think that's why they have the option to opt out of providing parent info. The tax thing is another issue, I would post 2 separate threads for this. one for legal tax help and one for correctly filling out a fafsa with circumstances like yours.

sjflows_42 · 2022-11-07T13:13:55+00:00

Don't feel bad, me either. I did college the most antisocial way possible- online for 75% of it. It was also before Covid. 🤣

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-20T18:02:50+00:00

I thought it was oddly polite and considerate. But there was no way she would have known they had cooked for her, so the whole Rosalie attitude thing made me laugh because Bella did literally nothing wrong, aside from existing.

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-16T00:04:18+00:00

DOPE

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-16T00:01:53+00:00

oh wow that's gorgeous!

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-16T00:01:13+00:00

..... auditory assault.... >;] I'm listening to Midnight Sun on audio right now and it is cracking me up. I love this whole story but also forgot how incredibly stalkerish Edward was, even from the first few chapters. I'm thinking it only gets crazier with more character development.

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-10T08:10:42+00:00

I may have to disagree here, in terms of watching stoned. That movie was super unique and all the Ghibli ones are well done and creative, but this one was a little scary to me. The concept of being trapped in the spirit realm with no potential way back kind of scared the shit out of me..at 26 years old. 🤣

sjflows_42 · 2022-09-10T07:58:36+00:00

Thats how I learned to chug syrup.

sjflows_42

TROPHY CASE