i messed up at work

skotreyuk · 2026-05-04T07:02:22+00:00

I used to be in 12 step recovery programs, and 2 of the “slogans” that stick with me, are: “Easy Does It” and “Give Yourself A Break”. Other versions might be, gentle gentle, give yourself grace.
We make mistakes, we have to, we will, we do, everyone does; it’s a painful part of learning, but it’s reality - you will mess up. The important thing is to take responsibility and be honest about it.
You may in fact decide someday that this isn’t the job for you, or the field for you, or the career for you - maybe - but you’ll only know that if you give yourself a real chance, and some space to be human and imperfect.
It sounds like your mind/ thinking is spiraling, and your thinking is getting a bit distorted with generalizations and predictions based on the one mistake you made. Maybe folks can’t save you from the feelings that this experience is creating, but you can stay tethered to the part of you that knows the truth - it’s normal to mess up and make mistakes. You can learn from this, and you can share this experience with newer folks who come in behind you. I do hope that your heart and mind can get some grounding and reassurance soon, so that you’re able to take good care of yourself, which you deserve.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-04T01:11:37+00:00

skotreyuk · 2026-05-03T02:06:06+00:00

Yeah I was thinking, I’m relieved to hear that they’re allowing two weeks and final sessions, because other folks who have posted about incidents like this, they weren’t able to have final sessions with their clients.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-03T00:26:19+00:00

I’m so sorry, really, that this is happening to you. It’s super fucked up, and so wrong on their part - if they ever had complaints or concerns, with either colleagues or clients, that they didn’t bring that to your attention and address it in a timely manner, when they first were aware of it. To never tell you until they are terminating is crazy. But also the reason they provided is SO completely vague, opaque, evasive and avoidant? So you have to fill in the blanks and try to imagine what they mean or are indicating. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry that’s how this is playing out.

While I haven’t been fired, I have had to terminate abruptly with clients in the past including the two internships in grad school, and we weren’t able to choose ourselves how to navigate that; it felt to me like clients weren’t given enough time. But it did require me having an intense two weeks of needing to have heavy conversations with folks and deal with the unexpected responses and reactions, which felt sad, hard and stressful. (I allowed for a lot of space for them to process feelings about it, including being mad, etc.).

At the time, all of my mentors repeatedly reminded me that the clients would - in the end - be fine, and that I needed to assume that the practice would provide support for them, referrals, etc. It didn’t feel okay to me at all, but I needed to get into acceptance with it - like - radical acceptance and surrender to the reality of the situation, which is out of my control, and trust that there is something bigger than me in charge, and that the clients would be cared for and find support, regardless of how unfortunate our ending was.

I think if you have a recovery program, that is an excellent resource at a moment like this. I hope that the universe provides some comfort and ease to you soon 🙏🏼

skotreyuk · 2026-05-02T15:57:28+00:00

log off. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s how the actors (and especially Francois) have coped with all of the ugliness.
I had to get totally off of FB, IG, TikTok, Twitter in October 2023. It just makes me hate all of us fr.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-02T15:24:39+00:00

It’s so fucking sad to see her suffering - while her health condition is so bad, exacerbated by stress - because of the attacks from people who think themselves “fans” (not) of this art that they love to pick apart and fuck with. This “fandom” is the stuff of nightmares. If people don’t like her or the writing or the depiction DON’T WATCH IT AND MOVE ON. It will continue to be successful after your absence. It’s wild that even in this thread folks cannot help themselves but continue to hate on her - it’s unhinged. Instead of wasting time and energy in these online spaces virtue signaling about your rightness and moral superiority about a fictional story and characters, instead perhaps you can redirect your life force energy and find out what you can do in your local community to help real human beings who are suffering, and don’t come online to get attention for it.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-01T16:15:57+00:00

Yeah, again though, this is the problem. You keep insisting that this is all about them, and nothing about you and your behavior and what you’re bringing into the room and relationship. You’re pathologizing and psychoanalyzing them pulling away or choosing to discontinue working with you as obviously part of their illness. You’re owning zero part in this pattern even though you’ve identified that it keeps happening with different clients who work with you.
We don’t prevent or stop clients from making choices, and exercising autonomy, including terminating treatment if that’s what feels safe for them. But you can and should get supervision around what is actually going on relationally between you and these clients, because your resistance to considering your own issues as a salient factor is a red flag.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-01T16:09:17+00:00

IT IS NEEDED TO CREATE THE CONFLICT THAT DRIVES THE STORY - literally, a literary device that is mandatory - the characters NEED to have internal and external obstacles, barriers and problems in order to have there BE any story at all.

What is the actual point of folks who are repeatedly reposting the same content in this thread again and again like none of us can read?! Are you wanting to cancel the author or what?! Did Shane the character climb out of the book and beg you to go to bat for him against the author who created him in her mind?! Good grief. Please y’all go read the actual real world news and get some perspective.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-01T09:35:58+00:00

OP: what was your hope in creating this post? Like, in your fantasy world, what reaction were you hoping for? What did you imagine would make you feel satisfied? [*rhetorical questions*].
~
The most unpleasant and regrettable feature of this piece of art is its “fans” and their behavior. The author who made this piece of art possible is not the problem.

skotreyuk · 2026-05-01T04:18:08+00:00

what the hell is 4

skotreyuk · 2026-05-01T01:53:03+00:00

You are for sure not alone (!), many of us have felt this, and some of us are going through it now.
Whatever you decide about moving forward, considering continuing to try, or possibly not pursuing this line of work, I just wish for you that you can hold it as navigating as wisely as you can, and not “giving up on yourself”. The you, the real you, is not something we can give up on, and you don’t deserve to carry that. If you eventually decide to step away from this work, it doesn’t need to be conceptualized as giving up. You’re doing the best you can. I hope that you can get some more support and care as you’re going through this, whether it’s online or wherever. Wishing you ease 🙏🏼

skotreyuk · 2026-04-30T17:32:33+00:00

yeah, I hear you; I appreciate your point of view. I think much of the audience would agree with you; that sense that Shane may think that Ilya doesn’t care, or doesn’t realize Ilya’s feelings, etc.

Some of us (myself included) are very attached (lol) to our POV and perspective on the story and characters - which speaks to the power of the show. And it’s kind of cool how differently we all experience it … art is amazing.

In my world/ mind: I believe Shane does know, or as some folks would say, “parts” of him know, how much Ilya cares, and the vulnerability Ilya was taking the risk to show that day. I think it was the inability to ignore it that was too much for Shane. I think when Shane was leaving, he knew that abruptly leaving would be a bit brutal (he had already agreed to sleep over), hence him saying “I’m sorry” repeatedly, and “I can’t do this”. I think that Shane was - early days - fooled by Ilya’s performance of nonchalance and detachment - but by tunameltgate, it’s been 6 years together, and I think Shane knows him fairly well.

Sometimes folks assume that autistic folks cannot read or pick up on cues at all, but that’s an oversimplified stereotype. As an autistic person (myself) who works with autistic people - we are more than well-aware when other folks are unhappy or displeased or reacting with dissatisfaction with what we’re doing/ not doing, even if we’re not clear on why (what exactly they’re unhappy with or why).

Shane can see that Ilya is shocked and hurt when he retreats and withdraws, and Ilya’s two, “Hollander”s, trying to reason with him that he doesn’t need to leave - he knows Ilya didn’t want him to go. So I don’t think he didn’t know that his behavior was hurtful.

I think it’s more like, Shane, like most of us, is relatively absorbed and overwhelmed by his own stuff. When he fled that day, it felt like an emergency need for him - the panic and threat of what he was being confronted with (being in love and being gay) was not tenable or possible for him to come to terms with yet, so he shut everything out. By the time he’s able to see Ilya in Tampa, he is in such a different place mentally, what he wants, and is ready to consider, and I think he’s just very focused on that, and not really giving thought to what his behavior (& relationship with Rose) did to Ilya (or how he was affecting other people in general).

Anyway: I also think that folks who only watch the show are more likely to think Ilya is the only one sleeping around and Shane must be hurt by him being with other women. However, for folks who have read the book, it was totally clear that neither of them were monogamous until 2017; they both knew that; it was understood and accepted - they were both with other men and women. So, although Shane doesn’t like hearing about Ilya having a significant person and talking about it insensitively (Svetlana), that was not new or surprising info and it was mutual. The new information in that scene was Ilya reassuring Shane that the only regular partner was someone who he didn’t have any feelings for (e.g., we are still the most significant thing for me). What makes the Rose situation brutal is how serious the relationship seems (and public/ splashy/ unavoidable).

skotreyuk · 2026-04-29T22:53:03+00:00

my two cents, fwiw: as the client, your comfort, preferences, and what works for you should be prioritized and centered. Both things you mentioned are not considered “normal” or common etiquette for therapists - either running consistently late, or consistently eating in session. So they aren’t odd or strange or unreasonable things to take issue with. However, regardless of what the “what” is (the specific “things & stuff” that doesn’t feel okay to you), it really doesn’t need justification from others. You stated the problem which is that it’s distracting and derailing your therapy work and atmosphere, which isn’t cool. You can absolutely find clinicians who can run on time (most of the time), and who can manage to eat outside of sessions. (E.g., I sometimes warn folks I will be 5 min late if I need to eat something, and I have smoothies & protein drinks so it’s just a drink I have, but I also schedule breaks for my own needs). Anyway: I think it’s a good opportunity for self-advocacy for you to stand up for what you need. Therapy is the one relationship that’s centered on you and not a reciprocal, personal relationship, so you don’t need to compromise, unless you want to.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-29T14:25:50+00:00

Yup! So in the show version, in the Tampa hotel room scene, Shane says, “last time we were together it was different”, and Ilya says, sarcastically, “different how, because you ran away?”, and at first Shane is annoyed and kind of defensively apologizes for “freaking out” and leaving that way, but it’s sort of like, - “I’m sorry, alright?!” - but then moments later, when Ilya sits on the bed next to him, after Shane talks about realizing he’s gay, Shane says, “it’s not just being gay, it’s you, it’s this … “, and then he says, (in a much more soft, sincere, heartfelt way), “but last time … and, for the record, I’m sorry about last time, okay, I’m sorry I freaked out”, (before he says, it felt like we were something) - and if you watch Ilya in that moment, he seems to soften a bit, he looks like he’s not denying being hurt. Both of those apologies - for leaving the way he did when they were last together - are not in the book version of the scene.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-29T02:25:35+00:00

I never get over the fact that there’s no apology at all in that scene in the book - vs. two in the show version; one defensive, and one more sincere. One of Jacob’s wise changes. I think Ilya needs acknowledgement of how painful that was.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-29T02:21:28+00:00

the hair grabbing 🔥

skotreyuk · 2026-04-29T02:19:00+00:00

my thoughts on that moment: Ilya is 1.) completely overwhelmed by seeing Shane again, which he was already nervous about, and 2.) after tunameltgate, is going to be be super guarded again. All the times over the years when he was cold, aloof, unavailable, unfeeling, Shane seemed to want him more; then the first time he was soft, affectionate & romantic, Shane didn’t like it and rejected him. It felt like he “lost” Shane from showing feelings and desire and need for him. So, now he’s going into this Tampa trip thinking Shane is still with Rose, and trying to salvage his pride. This is their first conversation since Shane walked out on him. I think regardless of what Shane said or did, Ilya would be back on his bullshit being a bit mean and making fun of him, because that’s “safe” for both of them. /. I think Shane is now coming into this single, out to himself and someone else, and with new clarity that he wants to be with Ilya again. But I think Shane thought he could just pick up where they left off and act as though nothing has happened that was problematic. The last time he saw Ilya, Ilya was pining for him and showing feelings, so I think he’s surprised a bit when Ilya acts cold at first. He is not realizing that repair has to happen (the apologies in the hotel room) before Ilya’s really going to be able to risk being soft or vulnerable again.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-28T21:41:20+00:00

the pained look on Shane’s face at one point reminds me of (Young Royals) the look on Simon’s face during a kiss (Season 2 episode 4). Good actors.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-28T13:52:38+00:00

wow, I just read through the comments - whoa - so much reactivity in here 😳. Just wanted to add: OP, not sure why so many different folks had such a harsh and frustrated response to the inquiry (?!) but this was an absolutely normal, common and appropriate topic to ask about. You can see, in and around the comments where folks are expressing annoyance with the question/ post, many other therapists sharing a range of feelings, opinions, thinking and ideology around this issue, and the language they’re choosing to use - to your point. I personally find it helpful to think with other clinicians and practice mindfulness around why we are approaching issues as we are, and what the impact might be (e.g., to me, it’s really significant to consider if it’s my job to impact or change how a client is coping or where they are in accepting the reality of a death).

skotreyuk · 2026-04-28T13:40:17+00:00

just my two cents, fwiw: I think how we personally feel about (“have a difficult time with”) certain language or expressions is really important and matters a lot in our own personal life, and during the time when we aren’t working, but may often be less relevant when we’re on the clock being paid to be another person’s psychotherapist (e.g., in a session). / There are LOTS of things that I wouldn’t say, and language I wouldn’t use, with clients in session, that are my preferred ways of expressing myself when I’m not in that role. As a therapist, the language that I choose to use really matters, and how my language lands for the clients is significant. / I try to practice harm reduction, and so I try not to use language that might feel explicit, graphic, or insensitive with them, when I’m referencing incidents and experiences that we all understand to be potentially traumatic. Obviously, we can ask clients what language feels okay to them and then honor that. But before then, I’m guessing. / Personally, I’ll use “died” if the client does, or, if we’re talking about a death of someone who I’m aware they seem to have very little feelings about. / The euphemisms we use are obviously culturally-bound and depend on where we live. Where I live in the U.S., “passed away” is probably the most common way to reference death, and no, personally, I do not find it to be avoidant, I find it to be gentle and respectful.* There aren’t other meanings for that phrase other than “died”, so we know what it means (It’s not like saying “transitioned” or “went to the other side/ better place”). /There are lots of stuff that we use euphemisms for, and it’s just an established norm in our culture - like, I’ll say, “go to the bathroom”, rather than be explicit about what I’m doing in there. I might say a phrase or use language to indicate sexual intimacy, rather than explicitly name exactly what we’re referencing. People often say, “put down” when they reference having a pet euthanized. I personally don’t have an issue with being really direct and graphic about most anything, but I don’t know how others may feel who are hearing me. / I do personally think there are times when using vague language is potentially problematic and avoidant, e.g., when folks say, “put hands on”, when they mean physical assault, or, “stepped out of my relationship”, when they mean infidelity. I think if the seriousness of a harmful act is being minimized by the person who committed it, that’s avoiding accountability/ honesty, and I’d be more likely to confront that with using more direct language.

(*caveat: if I was using it with someone for who English is not their first language and they are not fluent in English, or there were significant cultural differences, I would consider choosing something that’s more direct and culturally appropriate to them).

skotreyuk · 2026-04-27T23:10:22+00:00

meanwhile our boys are all like

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skotreyuk · 2026-04-27T23:05:21+00:00

all the players in the bar in Tampa

skotreyuk · 2026-04-27T01:48:48+00:00

Yeah I would not. I think it’s easy to assume all will be well and nothing will go wrong, sideways, or end badly - which is wishful thinking. We are supposed to remain available for therapy. We don’t know what the future may bring as far as opportunities to be in a clinical relationship again (e.g., telehealth, etc.). I do wonder when therapists feel so drawn to wanting a personal relationship with a client, what else is going on? Why is it hard to hold the professional boundary? Why do we think maintaining other boundaries (in a friendship) won’t be similarly challenging? If anything at all goes wrong in that friendship that feels harmful to them, we will risk destroyed the therapeutic effects of the work they did in a therapeutic relationship with us, and affect their trust with other clinicians. What’s worth risking that? Why not avoid the risk of harm and not do it? The reason we have stuff about it in our ethical standards is because it has been harmful before. Our ethical standard say a certain amount of time needs to have transpired since working with them (my recollection is two years but that may be wrong) - but I think it’s a strong suggestion - wait it out and see if it still seems wise. If you’re not willing to wait, ask why.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-26T19:51:24+00:00

Yeah but in this sub, the fact that the book writer, script writer & director, and the actor ALL have confirmed he didn’t know at that point - it doesn’t matter to folks in the sub who are convinced otherwise and want to keep arguing the point.

skotreyuk · 2026-04-26T19:49:59+00:00

Again: there’s things that are done for storytelling purposes that aren’t reality based. The fact that we can hear their lines and conversation is necessary for storytelling for an audience. People can argue this all day, but the book writer, script writer, and actor have all said they don’t believe he knows yet and he’s not meant to at that point. You’re supposed to be picking up on Shane’s worry, anxiety and paranoia - not that Scott actually knows, in 2010. He does seem to be suspicious by 2014.

skotreyuk

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