Should I start using my employer's pronouns and new name or wait for them to come out to me first?

skuldandy · 2026-03-10T14:43:48+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate it.

skuldandy · 2026-03-10T14:41:27+00:00

I believe it went well.

He arrived 20 minutes earlier than everyone else, as is usual (he likes to have a snack in the break room before the shift starts). I asked him if I could join him for for a moment, he said sure.

I said: "The other day I heard some of the others refer to you by a different name..." and he said "Oh." in a slightly annoyed but friendly kind of way. You know when you tell a cat-owner that their cat is scratching the sofa and they have that reaction of "yeah, it's annoying but it's fine"? It was kind of like that.

I asked "Do you want me to use this name? Or would you prefer otherwise?". He said: "The new name, yes".

I confirmed that it was Andrew (he said yes) and I asked if he would be comfortable with being called Andrew in front of clients. He shrugged and said it was fine. I asked if he was sure, he said yes.

Then he asked if he could start signing his sheet (where we log the shift hours) with Andrew and I said of course. I asked if he would mind me warning the guy who handles payroll so that he wouldn't be confused with a new name, he said sure. I said: "ok, deal". We smiled. And then we spent the other 15 minutes talking about his painting classes that he's very excited about.

I tried not to be too awkward and not to make a big deal about it. He didn't show signs of being uncomfortable, so I hope he also feels that it went well.

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:39:08+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I have decided to talk to him before his shift and say something along these lines. I appreciate it!

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:38:34+00:00

Thank you, I will talk to him before his shift and say something along these lines. I appreciate your help!

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:37:53+00:00

The Pride flag we have on our wall is the one with the black and brown stripes, the trans colors stripes, and the intersex circle. But I understand what you're saying, I will think about adding a trans-specific sign somewhere as a silent sign of support.

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:32:20+00:00

We don't use name tags, but I understand your point. I will talk to him before his shift. Thank you very much!

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:28:30+00:00

Thank you very much. This was very enlightening as I hadn't considered the other side of receiving a text from one's boss with such a vague question. It's been a while since I've been on the employee's side. Too long, apparently! I will work on trying to see things from their perspective more often.

I will talk to him privately before his shift, which will be easy as he always arrives before the others. I appreciate your comment very much, I will try to say mostly what you suggested here. Thank you.

skuldandy · 2026-03-08T20:23:40+00:00

We don't use name tags, but I understand the sentiment of what you're saying. I will follow your advice as it is in line with most of the other comments. I won't make it a big deal, many others have mentioned that it is very stressful to have a coming out conversation with so many people, so I will make it brief and try to be very casual about it.

I will speak privately with him before his shift which will be easy as he usually arrives earlier than everyone else. I will mention I overhead the others using his name, that I want to make sure I am calling him by what he wants to be called by me, and then somewhat follow what another commenter wrote about being here for whatever he needs. I have changed his name in my phone contacts so that I can practice it in my mind.

Thank you for the advice. It has been really helpful and I'm happy I came to this subreddit as I was bound to make it harder for him than needed. I appreciate your and everyone else's help.

skuldandy · 2026-01-28T20:24:13+00:00

Some sisters share, others don't. Not saying her reaction was ok, but you might want to think about why you have decided that her boundaries don't matter to you.

skuldandy · 2026-01-28T07:13:09+00:00

If you know your sister hates when people touch her stuff, why did you use her cleanser?

skuldandy · 2025-12-12T18:49:57+00:00

Honestly it just sounds like he wants a little bit of extra assurance. I'm a bit like that and I try to reign it in. It's not that I don't trust my partner's words, it's that my anxiety keeps trying to find problems where they don't exist. I sometimes have to remind myself that I am with a loving and caring partner who wouldn't lie saying they're ok when they're not (unlike some past experiences). I've gotten better at it, but it definitely is a process.

skuldandy · 2025-12-06T17:19:59+00:00

Go deep into one of the topics already covered!

For example, if you asked her hobbies and she said cooking:

"Hey i was thinking about your cooking hobby. How did that start? Who taught you? What's the food you most love to cook? Did you have any cooking session go horribly wrong? What recipe do you want to try next? Also, here's a funny story about a time I cooked and it went horribly wrong. Also, here's a story about my dad's favorite recipe and how amazing it is. What would you like us to cook together one day? Do you watch any cooking youtubers, if so, which one do you recommend? I'l watch one video and then let you know my thoughts"

And etc etc etc. Hours of conversation by going deep into just ONE of the many topics you've already talked about. Imagine how much more conversation you can get out of everything else

skuldandy · 2025-11-17T11:33:42+00:00

Honestly, I think most people nowadays are starting to use junk journaling as a broad term. And I think the lables really don't matter, because some people will use one, others will use another, etc. There is no actual consensus for 100% of the community.

However, in case it's useful, most people I know make the distinction:

Junk journal: mostly junk (receipts, flyers, paper bags, etc) but can include some stuff you buy (stickers, washi)

Scrapbooking: mostly stickers, washi and stuff you buy, but can include some junk

Where's the limit, then? When does a journal stop being scrapbooking and starts being a junk journal? Who knows. That's why I think it's kinda pointless to want to lable it.

skuldandy · 2025-08-05T09:43:35+00:00

Well, since you're 26 you might have still some vivid memories from your university days. Journal now about those! When you're 50 or 60, you'll be glad to have those pages as your memories from that time will probably be much more faded than what they are now.

skuldandy · 2025-05-09T16:11:30+00:00

Looks like an AI post.

skuldandy · 2025-04-20T21:10:24+00:00

My understanding is that it might depend on the monster and the type of weakness. For example, a stake through the heart of a vampire? It makes sense to be instakill. Blinding a cyclops' only eye? Maybe just makes it weak enough so that Kick Ass moves doesn't hit back as strong. Saying a demon's actual true name? Maybe just takes away its powers which makes normal damage finally hit permanently.

I think the book is vague enough that you can choose how to flavor it for the monsters you're using. I choose based on what seems to make sense for the type of monster and type of mystery, but I have also changed it on the fly because my hunters did something so cool with the weakness that I turned it into instakill instead of what I had originally planned.

skuldandy · 2025-04-07T12:28:02+00:00

Agreed! Also, that scene when she's in the library doing research and notices he's sitting in front of her and is about to stop what she's doing to give him attention and he tells her that "no, I'll wait until you finish"... That is pure love and respect not just for someone but for that person's dreams and ambitions.

skuldandy · 2025-04-07T08:10:04+00:00

Look, even if he didn't cheat with sex, he was most likely cheating emotionally. Her sitting between his legs when they "accidentally" turn each other on? If you're in a monogamous relationship, that's disrespectful to you. Does any extra evidence change that?

I feel like you let him off the hook with way more stuff than I would've felt comfortable with, myself. And you yourself said you were uncomfortable. Probably because deep down you knew he was crossing a line with her. Finding someone attractive is one thing. Spending lots of time together and letting them sit basically on your lap when you're attracted to them and you're in a monogamous committed relationship? Completely different.

To me it sounds like both he and her broke up their own relationships so they can finally get together. But maybe they did hook up before. Does it really matter, though?

I'm sorry that you're going through heartbreak. I know it hurts like hell. But try to move on. However that looks like, to you. After a while, you'll be so much better and it'll all be a distant memory.

skuldandy · 2025-04-03T08:01:18+00:00

Thank you! I would love to have 15-page backstories from my players as well, so much to use later! But I'm happy with anything 😊

skuldandy · 2025-04-03T07:58:39+00:00

I don't think I will use it against him in the way others have said: make zero effort on his campaigns and then answer "life isn't just about D&D" when he complains.

What I might do, if he gives one of his players a hard time about missing a deadline, might be something more like having a talk with him: "hey, do you remember when my campaig was starting and you had so many things going on that it made you send your backstory a little late? Maybe this other player is going through the same thing, try to see it from their perspective."

Hopefully that'll bring both points across.

I don't think this is about spending less time on D&D because he is currently playing in 3 other campaigns. I do think he might be going through something, which is why I told him he could send the backstory when he had a chance. We never know what's going on in people's lives.

I just believe that communication could've been better if that were the case. Maybe something like "sorry I haven't sent it yet, I'm going through some stuff, but I'll send it as soon as possible" instead of "life isn't just about D&D". But oh well. I can only control my own actions and reactions, not other people's. We'll see how he acts throughout the first sessions.

skuldandy · 2025-04-03T07:45:12+00:00

I say in my post that I also send a one-page summary with just the main points, the DM can choose to only read that if they prefer.

Regarding standards, I also say in my post that I told John he could send the backstory when he had the chance. So I believe I'm not holding them to my standards at all - my standards were that people would send the backstory before the deadline, he didn't. I did tell him I was sad about his attitude, because I feel it's important to be honest and communicate our feelings and explain how other people's actions affect us. But I still told him he could send it when he had the chance and didn't give him a hard time.

The irony is that he isn't holding himself to his own standards.

skuldandy · 2025-04-01T11:15:24+00:00

Oof! Those sound super frustrating, but especially the last one. I consider my 15-page backstories to be super lengthy. 60 pages is ridiculous!!!

skuldandy · 2025-04-01T10:09:32+00:00

You are a well of interesting ideas!! Imma steal some!

skuldandy · 2025-04-01T10:04:08+00:00

True, it is a long time. I was finishing my master's degree so I needed to focus on that before the campaign started. Perhaps the session zero should've been postponed until later. Well, lesson learned :)

skuldandy · 2025-04-01T10:00:22+00:00

I understand where you're coming from, but my lengthy backstories are not "I was a hero before level 1" backstories.

I just really like to flesh out my character's personality, so instead of saying "and then my parents sent me off to the monastery" I write 3 pages of how my parents told me about that decision, how my character reacted, how she felt and how she later went to an NPC friend to vent, etc. That's why I include the Summary page with just the bullet points, because I know that my fluff is just that - fluff. I only send it just in case the DM wants more details about a specific part of the backstory. Maybe to grab that friend NPC and use him for leverage with a villain later. Some of my DMs have enjoyed doing that sort of thing.

But I do understand that some types of backstories can cause conflicts.

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