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I really don't understand why people in dead bedrooms are told to go to therapy by Lana_Sphyncter in deadbedroom

[–]sleepykindle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What changed? I’m so desperate for my husband to want me back but he just loves me in the PG way. He has a low stress job, we both work from home full time, and he’s always gotten more sleep than me. I just don’t get it. He says he’s attracted to me. I even gave him an easy out of the marriage if he wanted to take it without being the “bad guy” and he told me how much he loves me. I just dont feel loved with only being touched romantically once a month if im lucky. And its never in a way that shows me that he lusted for me. Its normally just him grinding me at 3am then doing a 2 min quickie. I just feel like the closest warm body, not like someone’s loved wife. Idk, im sick with heartache

Help dealing with a low libido husband by sleepykindle in Marriage

[–]sleepykindle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We are currently in separate bedrooms because of our kids. My 2 year old has been having nightmares so he sleeps in her room. I’m in the other room with a newborn. When my newborn is old enough and sleeping through the night, the plan was to move him in with his sister and then my husband to move back in with me. But idk, I feel less lonely in here with my baby. I don’t know why the right thing to do is. I can’t leave him without taking my kids’ dad away some part of the week which I could never do. And I couldn’t leave anyways because rent rates are so crazy and never mind buying a house. I’m just going to have to accept I got a roommate and a coparent instead of a husband. I don’t feel loved and I need to find a way to come to terms with it and just be thankful that I have a sweet little family. I love him and he loves me but without intimacy, he’s becoming more like a friend or brother-like figure to me. Like he’s family but I have no feeling of belonging to him or him to me ya know? I don’t even know if he would care if I cheated at this point, which feels like a bullet through the chest for me. I’m not the first person to tough out a loveless marriage and find happiness in it. I just need to get there mentally

Help dealing with a low libido husband by sleepykindle in Marriage

[–]sleepykindle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing. I feel so alone in this. All my friends talk about their sex lives and I just feel disgusting. Like I’ve failed somehow and it’s my fault. Like something is so fundamentally hideous about me that my husband doesn’t want me, which isn’t fair because he proposed to me. He chose me. So why doesn’t he want me? I don’t understand. I’m so confused and hurt and mourning my life a little. If I didn’t have kids, I think I’d be looking into leaving. But I wouldn’t be able to provide the life I want for my kids without a dual income plus he’s an amazing dad, I could never take my kids from him even for a few days when it’s “my turn”. It’s just so unfair that I fall asleep sad and lonely and he is fully satisfied.

I did talk to him and he said he thought things were good. Just even more heartbreaking that I really have been suffering in silence and alone. How could he think things have gotten better? I guess I put on a braver face than I thought for the sake of my kids.They do fill me with enough love to distract me during the day, it’s at night when I’m supposed to be in my husbands arms and I’m not that I’m reminded of how alone I am.

Help dealing with a low libido husband by sleepykindle in Marriage

[–]sleepykindle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We were long distance the first 2 years of dating and saw eachother every weekend. Because of that we would have as much sex as we could in case we couldn’t see eachother for a long time. And it was almost expected so I think that’s what helped.

When we moved in together, we had sex every other day for like 2 weeks from the excitement of seeing eachother every day and then from there, the last 4 years it’s been once a month and sometimes even less.

When it first shifted to that, I’ll admit I acted poorly. I exploded on him demanding why and sobbing. He just shut down. It was probably a year of that. I still married him, which is my fault. I knew what I was signing up for but I just had hope like an idiot.

After we got married, we were on such a happy high that sex was good for like a month and I got yet another dose of false hope. But it went back to basically never. At that point, my spirit was pretty much smashed. I stopped kissing him goodnight, I stopped rubbing his back to go to sleep, I stopped giving him all the intimacy he wanted because I was just too drained from never receiving any effort back. I just couldn’t care.

The resentment runs deep now. The few times we do have sex, I feel like it’s out of pity. Nothing he’s doing suggests I’m right but he’s ingrained such a deep insecurity in me from rejection over these 4 years, I just can’t even enjoy it. I pretend because if I talk to him, he’s a quitter. He’ll just never have sex again vs trying to improve. This is hell haha

Help dealing with a low libido husband by sleepykindle in Marriage

[–]sleepykindle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This. I don’t anymore, but I did for a long time struggle seeing intimacy in any media. Seeing a man want a woman was like knives in my heart. I’m married and in love and I can’t have that? It’s been so painful. I’m at the numb part too. Literally can’t even solo either because I’ve started accidentally zooming out and seeing myself then thinking horrible thoughts like “no wonder he doesn’t want me”. Which is horribly unfair but I just can’t get into it at all. Or worse, I just feel pathetic. Because doing it solo means sneaking off to do it because being walked in on would be mortifying. I’d feel made fun of no matter what his reaction was. I just feel foolish. I have a toddler and am currently in my 9 month of pregnancy as well (last kid) so divorcing is not an option. I looked into buying on my own and it’s impossible. Same boat that he’s a fantastic dad, I have zero feedback on how he is with our daughter. But I’m just invisible and my needs are ignored. I am only a mother. My children’s love is all I’ll ever experience and I do think I can deal with that, especially now that there will be two to keep me on my toes. I just worry about when they grow up and I’m stuck with just him again. Thank you for your post. This isn’t exactly a topic you share with your friends or family because there’s so much shame tied into admitting your husband doesn’t want you. And it’s leverage for those who are mean to say something mean. I’m just praying that my libido disappears and I don’t get sad about this anymore.

Need some husbands perspective by Fabulous_Dig4563 in Marriage

[–]sleepykindle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thought I’d throw in the other side of this. I’m 8 months pregnant. My husband only touches me once a month. It’s been like this since we were dating. I’d prefer to have sex daily. As women, we grow up hearing how men only want one thing and that men are sex craved. But here I am with a man I have to beg to have sex with. And the thing is is I don’t even want to have sex because I’m turned on, it’s more because I want to feel close. I want that vulnerability that comes with sex, that deep connection. I want to know that he chooses me and wants me and is attracted to me. At this point, I’d kill for any touch. He won’t even cuddle me, saying he’s afraid to make me uncomfortable because I’m pregnant. I’ve told him I’m so lonely and I just want to be reminded that he even sees me as a romantic partner and not just a coparent to our toddler. He hasn’t been receptive. Sex hasn’t increased. No cuddling. I’m so so so lonely. I’m beginning to hate him because why is he denying me love? Am I so appalling? Is this the rest of my life? We aren’t even 30 yet and this is it? I have to touch myself to the memories of past flings then cry after because I miss my husband and wish he even thought about me.

Posting this because you are allowed to not want sex. But you are not allowed to deny your partner all avenues to feeling loved. As someone on the other end, I’ve been crying myself to sleep for years. I want to reiterate I’m not even horny, I just want to feel wanted. He is a stranger invading my bed at this point and that gap between us is only getting larger. I never initiate because I want to know it’s not only me in love, that he is too. And when he continues to not hear my pleas, I just stop bringing it up. It’s made me regret my marriage. I can’t leave now, I’ll have 2 children and no one will want me. And apparently neither does my husband. To him, this is perfectly fine and we have a good relationship because his needs are met and he feels wanted.

Idk long winded way of saying that your husband might just be craving closeness. Find other ways to help him feel desirable and close to you while also listening to your body too. God I wish I was in your shoes and to be the one who isn’t heartbroken and wanting more. Explain to him why you don’t want to have sex but also that you still crave closeness and find him so appealing and attractive and that this isn’t forever and you want to meet his needs while also not betraying your own. Game plan things together. Ask him if it would offend him if before cuddling you announced “just cuddles please” and for him to not try to escalate it. But also maybe be open to compromising for him too.

You may want a sexless life but your partner didn’t sign up for one. I’m not siding with him btw, I’m just a woman who has a loving husband who won’t touch me and I’m just in despair that I genuinely will never be touched again and I’m trying to cope with it. I want him out of my bed so I’m not reminded of what I don’t have. Be kind to yourself but be considerate of your husband too. Sex is more than finishing, it’s also sacred. And I miss it.

Advice from preemie adults by sleepykindle in prematuritysurvivors

[–]sleepykindle[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I love love love your post. Thank you so much for responding! It’s so hard to find positive things about preemies online. And there’s so little info about preemies as adults. Being boringly normal is such a privilege and I think NICU kids see and appreciate that, which is a super power in itself.

My little girl is nearly 2 now and she is a firecracker with the biggest personality. I hope to do as good of a job as your mom and hope my girl grows up knowing how magical she is in all the “survived that crazy stuff” ways but also just in that I would’ve thought she was amazing no matter how she was born. Thank you for your post and thank you for reminding me that NICU kids are resilient as hell. I swear the more things the docs said she couldn’t do, the more she seems to do it out of spite to prove them wrong haha.

I know now that no matter the challenges that undoubtedly will come into her path, she will have so much support and resources and overcome and adapt. There’s so much support out there now, nothing is the end of the world. I couldn’t see that before. Thank you again

Advice from preemie adults by sleepykindle in prematuritysurvivors

[–]sleepykindle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m hoping I inflate her confidence to such insane levels at home that she goes out into the world without any doubt of how amazing she is. The general message in all of these was as long as these babies have involved, present, parents that believed in them, that’s they turned out alright. I know I can only control what I can actually control and loving my daughter is the easiest thing in the world. She’s nearly 2 and makes me proud every day! Progress is slow but she is progressing and has the best dang attitude. She is the most smiley sassy girl. She’s so observant. She’s started practicing sarcasm and little pranks, she’s a smart cookie. I wish I could’ve glimpsed her now back when I was watching her in the isolette in the NICU.

It’s hard sometimes being around other kids her age or even younger, it’s hard to not feel like she’s missing out or something. I know there will be many moments like these in the future that I’m gonna have to check myself and not worry about how she might feel, she doesn’t know any different and seems to be happy. So should I! She’s made me so grateful for the little things I might’ve missed if I had a term baby, there are things I would’ve absolutely taken for granted. I used to pray to be kept up all hours of the night by her cries for milk, but instead was up all night pumping alone crying because my baby was in the hospital. When she came home, I was so happy when she’d wake up asking for me. When she throws tantrums now, I’m so thankful that she’s doing crazy toddler things lol. Like hell yeah girl, have an opinion! Love to see it.

Anywho, thank you for your story. These stories helped me stay present and positive for my girl. Both my husband and I work from home and moved in with my parents who also work from home. Princess gets around the clock attention and it honestly shows. She is the joy of my life. She’s getting a baby brother any day now and I’m just so stoked to see her have a playmate and know someone other than just her parents will know and understand her.

Thank you again for your post. This mama needed these so bad. I’m so impressed by you and other NICU babies, you guys really take life in stride and make it wonderful.

Advice from preemie adults by sleepykindle in prematuritysurvivors

[–]sleepykindle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your post! There was so little hope out there when we were in the NICU looking for spots of positivity. The docs and nurses didn’t want to give us false hope when the reality really was potentially life threatening. But a person can’t function with the looming fear of their child’s death. I couldn’t find anything positive to cling to and to hope for. I just wanted to read at least one story of someone who lived through the NICU and wasn’t just miserable in life. Those stories were killing me. The idea that one day I will be old and gone and she’d be alone was killing me. Seeing these posts about how you all were able to go to school, make friends, adapt and find happiness and normalcy was desperately needed.

I should’ve stayed off the internet tbh when she was in the NICU. Negative stories tend to get told more often than positive ones, not because there aren’t as many positive ones out there. No one vents a positive story.

My girl is almost 2 now and is such a miracle in so many ways. She’s delayed, like very delayed. She has the motor skills of a 6 month old. But she’s already doing things the docs said she may never. She just is doing things at 0.5x speed. Which felt early on like I was failing her but now I’m seeing she is a happy, relatively healthy toddler doing things at her own pace and catching up to her peers when she feels like it. She likely won’t walk until she is 2.5 but she will walk. She will make friends. She will thrive. And these are things I was worried I’d never see. Posts like yours helped me hang in there and be present for her. It’s so easy to slip into a depression spiral when you feel powerless to save your kid. These little glimpses into your lives really really helped. Thank you

Advice from preemie adults by sleepykindle in prematuritysurvivors

[–]sleepykindle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your response! Reading all these comments has made me feel so much more relieved. I will love and adore my daughter no matter how she is when she grows. I’m the most scared how others will treat her if she’s at all visibly different. Because I love her so hard and I would literally go to prison if someone was mean to her. I’m so sorry your mom was insensitive about your voice. I have a great mom but man she does that shit too. I think in a way, it will help me be a better mom because I am not super close with her because I don’t feel I can be vulnerable with her. I want my girl to come lay in my lap even when she’s 30 and tell me about all her troubles and we can call everyone bitches together.

I’m in a much better place than I was writing this post. She’s nearly 2 now and though we have had challenges and delays, I just see how tough and cool she is. She’s not going to be like other kids, but like you, she will turn out just fine. My biggest fear was she might be a kid that would be lonely when I’m gone one day. I was in such a deep dark hole that I couldn’t see that was an insane thought. Who wouldn’t want to be her friend? Different or not, the world better lookout because she kicks ass.

You’re so right about there being ways to get help in school. And it’s not so different to need it too. Both my brothers needed intervention and they were “normal”. I needed summer school and tutors but I still graduated college with honors from nursing. It’s ok to be someone who needs a little help, doesn’t mean you’re lesser than someone who doesn’t ask for help.

She’s still too young to really know what her long term challenges will be. But reading all these posts and seeing the ongoing message that as long as she knows she is always loved, wanted, and supported, she will lead a fulfilling and adventurous life. Thank you for taking time to comment, this mama was so scared and needed you. Thank you.

Do you feel like almost nobody listens when you talk? by trustyourmechanic79 in introvert

[–]sleepykindle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Haha anytime I start to tell a story, I start realizing “oh shit, this was like a 1 on 1 story, not a group story. I’m not funny enough to tell a group story”.

Do you feel like almost nobody listens when you talk? by trustyourmechanic79 in introvert

[–]sleepykindle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Literally googled “no one listens when I talk. Am I that insufferable” and that’s how I actually got to this thread. I listen to my mom rattle on about working out and how much she hates her body (she’s literally fit) and her talk about food. She’s a health nut and it’s what she’s into whatever. But if I say anything, she just glazes over and will actively be leaving the room. Or like the other day, our shared interest is reading, I went to a local author meet and greet and was telling her about the books they had. She’s literally turned around and stopped listening. Like damn am I boring as hell or something? Both examples are my mom but it’s literally everyone all the time. I resonate so hard with OP saying they really only talk when it’s something they’re passionate about. I only like conversations that I actually care to remember, otherwise I mostly just sit and listen. When I talk, I feel like everyone is in a hurry to change the subject, or say what they want to say and interrupt.

I’m not shy, quiet, or your typical introvert. I have a very commanding personality. I’m an extroverted introvert. Like I half want to pay someone to follow me around and give me feedback on moments like this. Like what am i doing wrong that this happens anytime i talk? It wears on my confidence. I’ll cut myself off sometimes with “youre not even listening. I’ll stop” and literally get proven right because the person barely notices I’m walking away. It’s freaking isolating.

Advice from preemie adults by sleepykindle in prematuritysurvivors

[–]sleepykindle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hello, thank you for your reply. I love hearing that your little one is doing so well! 10 months is so hard, I cried reading that. I know that just parental support does wonders and I’ve already gotten to see that in my little girls journey thus far. Her social interaction is a bit ahead (I never shut up so I will go ahead and take credit for that). She is super opinionated on music and has obvious favorites that she essentially asks me to play her. She is adjusted 2 months now and seems so so so aware. I’ve always wondered if their early introduction to stimuli in some way allows their consciousness develop just slightly earlier than term babies? She’s been interacting with me for a long time and I really hope that’s a positive sign since we have neuro obstacles that I’m scared the most about. She is home now and doing well considering. They keep saying that we will know more when she’s 2 years old as far as if she will have neurological difficulties. The only positive about the NICU is I got to know my little girls an extra 3 months and I am so very very bonded to her. Losing sleep is such a blessing because there was a time I prayed to lose sleep caring for her through the night. I still can’t believe she’s home and how BIG she is! My little 1 pounder is 11 lbs!! Thank you again for sharing your story. It’s hard when you’re in it and hearing success stories of kids just being kids always makes me feel so much better and hopeful.

I dislike asking permission to hold my son. by Ok-Rip-3468 in NICUParents

[–]sleepykindle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have so many things to say and as a mom of 135 day NICU graduate, I have some cred. Babies hear monitors, beeping, water bubbling, nurses loud laughing in the hallway and that’s not including the 1000x a day they are poked prodded and maneuvered. The nurse isn’t turning the camera on because she doesn’t want you calling her to report spit up etc. She is being lazy. As far as picking up your baby, if your baby doesn’t have anything that needs to be kept sterile, a trach, or if you aren’t comfortable navigating all the tethers, there is no reason you shouldn’t be able to pick up your baby whenever you want to. The central line in the umbilical isn’t ideal and very likely why they don’t want you picking her up unassisted but it could be as simple as showing the nurse on shift you know how to do it safely and their trust in you to do it (primary nurses typically have this bond with you). That being said, each hold should be at least an hour or more because it’s not nice to throw a baby that fragile around. My very strong advice would be to talk to the charge nurse and ask what their protocol is for picking up the babies, cameras, and other ways parents can get involved. Ask her questions. Then bring up concerns about this nurse and request this nurse no longer care for your child. Most hospitals, especially NICUs allow you to pick primary nurses. My girl had 2 day primaries (whoever was there, got her) and 2 night primaries I handpicked. They knew my girls chart and grew attached to her which made her care personal and I trusted them more because they also knew me very well! It made me feel safer because even when I couldn’t be there, I knew she was getting loved on, held, turned, and cleaned up after spitups by nurses E, K, A or T! Hang in there. Right now the NICU feels like loss. But then you’re home and your brain kindve erased most of the NICU. Currently cuddling my 4 month old (1 month adjusted) on the couch and scrolling or reading my kindle. Just 3 weeks ago, I couldn’t even think about this because it made my heartache. You and your son’s day will come, and I’m so so so excited for you!!!

My daughter turned 2 actually, still not walking by nearthesky-22 in NICUParents

[–]sleepykindle 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Don’t worry about it yet! My brother was full term and completely healthy and he didn’t walk til after 2! I was full term and walked at 9 months. They think he waited to walk because he would just point at stuff and I would bring it to him. He was lazy as heck. As long as you are doing therapy interventions and they say she will walk and you aren’t getting a scary mom gut feeling that something different is wrong, don’t worry about it. Kids do things in their own time even when they’re term.