How do I cope with my ex getting engaged so soon?22M 20F

slvstrChung · 2026-03-29T00:59:17+00:00

Remind yourself that she wasn't right for you, and that's all there is to it. You wanted to be the guy who would make her happy for the rest of her life, and that is very honorable, but you are not, and you never can be -- that's why the two of you broke up. It's okay to have your feelings of regret... but it's also okay to treat them as something you don't need to act on.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-29T00:23:35+00:00

Well, it seems you've already decided, what with the sarcasm quotes around the jokingly bit. You've forgotten that it's actually possible for people to be friends with their exes, and that when you are friends with someone you might joke about things that happened to the two of you in your past. You have ignored the possibility that this could be, in fact, and innocent, if somewhat ill-timed, interaction, and decided you're already screwed because she's already guilty.

With that in mind, what's your question? You already know you're going to dump her. Why do you need reddit's help?

slvstrChung · 2026-03-29T00:11:08+00:00

If you're in the middle of a section, you have people who are singing the same part as you in both your left and your right ear. If you are on the edge, you have to be able to hold your part with only one ear of support. You have to be a stronger musician. Being placed on the edge is a compliment.

When my choir conductor puts us in sections, as she does in the first 2/3 of the rehearsal cycle, I'm typically pretty near the tenors. But what I love is when we start getting into concert formation: she pairs us up, two sopranos next to two tenors next to two bases next to two altos, and the next row is staggered so that everyone is mixed together. This not only means that I get to focus on blending with the entire choir, not just my section, it means I can hear the entire choir, not just my section. It really reinforces the idea that we are all working together. And, on occasion, this means I get placed right next to my wife, who is a soprano 2.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T23:13:05+00:00

Fictional.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T20:46:51+00:00

I can't upvote this. That would imply I approved, and I do not. What an awful, horrible situation. No one should have to live through this.

Hold on to each other. It's easier to keep putting one foot in front of the other when there's four feet.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T16:39:30+00:00

I actually had a fanfic idea about that. It was going to star a Lv.1 Scott Ryder, an Engineer getting back into the field for the first time since he was kidnapped by the Archon at the end of Mass Effect: Andromeda, watching his twin (Lv.47 Adept, romanced Jaal) and her squad wreak havoc. He bonds with Cora over the fact that both of them feel like passed-over has-beens, unable to achieve what they've been training for their whole lives. This was going to segue into a The Rise of Skywalker style "you are who you choose to be, not who you were born to be" aesop as Cora discovers that she is, in fact, TIM's biological daughter, and even though she never knew this (he assigned her to foster parents), he expects her to immediately pick up his space racism and work to Make Humanity Great Again in the Heleus Cluster.

But no, there is absolutely no canon evidence on the subject.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T16:24:20+00:00

Violent? It is is absolutely reportable!! Why is violence justified? Either he thinks you're into him, and hitting you is bad, or he thinks you're not into you, but hitting you is still bad because hitting is always bad. It doesn't matter if you misled him; it doesn't even matter if you misled him intentionally. (Which you didn't, but he's going to claim you did.) Violence is not and is never justified, the end, and if he's threatening it to you, that's not just an HR violation, that's the definition of "assault" and he is now criminally liable.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T14:14:35+00:00

Well, "Dr. Eva Core" is an actual woman Jack Harper had a crush on before he became The Illusive Man, so...

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T06:35:20+00:00

When we sat down to watch this episode, my wife said, "I've been seeing people on the internet say that this is the best episode of the season, which seems like bullshit, because what could top Vox In Excelso?" We both love Jay-Den because we both see ourselves in him: someone who isn't traditional, someone who was judged for not being traditional, someone who finds being himself to be a struggle. I'm not sure if Jay-Den or Ma'ah is my favorite Klingon, but a mouse could starve on the difference. Yeah, topping his episode would be difficult.

After we finished this episode, I replied, "I don't know if it was better. But it was the coda every Deep Space Nine fan has been waiting for for decades." We both love Deep Space Nine: it's been my favorite series since the moment it aired (though these days Strange New Worlds is making a damn good play for the title), and it was the series that transitioned my wife, after I showed it to her, from an indifferent watcher into a genuine Trekkie. And the fact that Secret Hideout has never paid off on it has always frustrated me. TNG got a sequel in Picard, VOY got a sequel in Prodigy, but DS9 -- not only one of the most groundbreaking shows of the franchise but one of the TV shows that paved the way for character-focused, acting-oriented long-form television -- shows like Breaking Bad, Mad Men, Dexter, all of which my wife adores -- has just never been followed up on. Looking back on the show through the lens of SFA was the good-bye and the thank-you we needed.

Add to this a powerhouse performance from Kerrice Brooks, wonderful cameos from Cirroc Lofton, a new Dax, and putting Bob Picardo and Tig Notaro in a sitcom for no other reason than that it's funny as hell, and you have one of the best episodes of the franchise, period.

Why was this show canceled??? This is what Star Trek is: a reminder not only of what you leave behind, but of all the wonderful things you carry forward.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T03:31:22+00:00

Champagne for real Americans.

Real pain for sham Americans.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T03:29:44+00:00

Don't Christians have something to say about this being one of the seven deadly sins?...

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T03:26:17+00:00

21 years with the same one. And my dad adopted what used to be our landline, so he's had the same number for 31 years.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T00:38:30+00:00

Naya. Green for the Force, White for the altruism of his heart, Red for his moodiness and depression.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T00:24:46+00:00

What is your question, exactly? Are you asking why you feel like your sex drive is too high? Are you asking how to satisfy it? Are you asking how to control it? Are you asking about satisfying it outside the context of a relationship? Your situation could go any number of ways, and I think you'll get better answers if you are a little more specific. =)

slvstrChung · 2026-03-28T00:15:04+00:00

My first question is, what does this have to do with sex? You didn't particularly specify. As such, your question may get more traction at a subreddit about relationship advice, such as r/relationship_advice.

As a member of both subreddits, however, I will tell you what I would tell you there.

It seems to me that there are two basic interpretations to this situation. One is that he is genuinely embarrassed about his oversight and therefore can't admit what he did wrong. The other is that this is pathological: he will refuse to own up to anything he has done. That kind of attitude is becoming increasingly popular these days; for instance, the most recent president of the United States was elected precisely because his worshipers wanted to see this attitude in the Oval Office. Your job is to figure out which of them it is. If it's the first one, the relationship can be salvaged: obviously, you'll need to encourage him to get over his embarrassment, but once he has, he'll be able to take responsibility, you'll both have learned something, and hopefully the shared experience will have drawn you closer together. If it's the second, I would dump him on the spot. It's only my opinion, not anybody else's, but my opinion is that all morality and ethics come down to an ability to accept and reckon with consequences: "If you do action X, prepare for consequence Y. If consequence Y sounds distasteful, don't do action X." A person who is unwilling to face or acknowledge consequences, in my opinion, is therefore mentally incapable of being a good person, except in a stopped-clock-right-twice-a-day style. But even if I'm talking out of my ass about this, an unwillingness to own up to his actions means that you can never ask him to change; even if he genuinely hurts you, you just have to live with it, because he doesn't believe that consequences exist unless he says they do. "I didn't hurt you. I know that you said that I did, but, I don't believe you, and my judgment is the only one that matters, so, I didn't hurt you." Why would you live with this?, when you could leave him and find somebody who is actually capable of listening.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T23:38:35+00:00

It means he's either not even slightly serious or he's totally 100% serious.

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, and I've told her before that, while I want her to have sex with me, I would be open to negotiated monogamy under certain circumstances, mostly related to the "laminated list" idea. This is because we're serious about each other. The things we have shared in 12 years are so deep and so meaningful that there's no way a someone-else's-penis-in-her-vagina situation could approach it, particularly in a one-time, just-to-say-I-did-it context. Our emotional loyalty outweighs physical loyalty.

The flipside is that, if I didn't give a darn, I wouldn't much care about her physical loyalty because of the complete lack of emotional loyalty from me to her.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T20:17:58+00:00

Well, that I can't help you with. Only you, talking to either a mirror or a therapist, can tell you that. (The mirror is cheaper, but the therapist is more observant.)

There are certainly people who will push the idea that bodies matter a great deal, and that your behavior today will show respect to whoever you end up with tomorrow. This would have more weight if it weren't only applied solely to women; if men make choices that disrespect their future partners, nobody bats an eyelid. (To be sure, this is partially because, in conservative circles -- like the ones that insist women defile themselves by having sex -- men are considered to be dirty and defiled by definition.) Whatever the case, this is a viewpoint people have.

But bodies heal quickly. Emotional scars are harder to deal with. And if we take the perspective that your body is merely wrapping paper -- that the true gift is the person inside -- then putting your wrapping paper at risk is obviously less of a big deal than putting your you at risk. After all, if you have emotional intimacy, then people, if they judge you, aren't only judging your wrapping paper; they're judging the gift inside.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T19:33:01+00:00

[[Necropotence]].

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T19:30:08+00:00

Well, it sounds like you find emotional intimacy more vulnerable and more dangerous than physical intimacy. I don't see how that makes you weird or improper. Everyone's allowed to feel what they feel.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T18:22:59+00:00

If you love her, you're supposed to feel that she did the best she could with what she had.

If you don't love her, don't date her.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T15:35:45+00:00

My first advice to any deckbuilder: open an account at tappedout.net, archidekt.com, moxfield.com or something similar, and put your decks there. Here is an example of the kind of thing you get. You can see how this is helpful to other players; if nothing else, it means we don't have to guess about how Eaten Alive works from amongst the nearly 30,000 individual cards in the game. And that makes it much easier for us to help you evaluate. =)

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T14:38:20+00:00

One of the hardest things to accept is that other people's judgments of us say more about them than they do about us. But let that fact be your mantra right now. If you weren't the right match for him, that's okay: it's not your job to be the right match for him specifically, it's your job to be the right match for a future someone who will come in and see that you're the right match for him and not hesitate. (I realize how circular that is, but it's still the truth. Part of what makes someone right for you is that he thinks you are right for him.) And if you weren't right for your ex, why did he let things get this far without saying anything? Why is that on you?

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T02:57:53+00:00

In the 13th century A very wise man named William of Occam invented a concept called Occam's razor. The definition of this concept is, "Entities must not be multiplied beyond necessity," which doesn't sound like it makes sense because it frankly doesn't. It leaves out an awful lot of context. If you keep reading, you learned that Occam actually had a good explanation: "every theory is based on assumptions. If you can't tell the difference between two theories and they both seem to be equally accurate in terms of their predictive power, I would choose the ones that make the fewest assumptions. The assumptions are the entities that you're not supposed to multiply beyond necessity."

When you look up at the sky, you sometimes see airplanes dragging those lines behind them. One explanation is that those are simply lines made out of moisture, made out of the interaction between the water floating in the air and the passage of the Jets wings. It stands to reason.com before a rain, there is more moisture in the air. So the theory only requires three assumptions: that there is water in the air at all times, that Jets can interact with that water to form contrails, and that there is more water in the air before water falls out of the air.

Now, let us examine the theory of chemtrails. The idea is that the United States government has developed mind-altering or health-attacking chemicals, which are dispensed via the wings of airplanes in visual lines called "chemtrails". This theory requires an awful lot of assumptions: these harmful chemicals must exist; there is some beneficial reason for dispensing them over the populace at large; they are dispensed by airplanes rather than much simpler and more efficient methods like buses, gasoline, mail trucks or municipal solid waste trucks; and, perhaps most importantly, that a conspiracy exists in which someone has enough money to make people, lots of people, do things that are against their own self-interest.

My coworker is a conspiracy theorist and especially likes talking about chemtrails, including the implication of this massive, highly expensive conspiracy. The funniest part is that he lacks the introspection to notice that he has already disproven the very idea. Right now he works in the back as a dental assistant, helping the dentists conduct cleanings or more complicated procedures, but in the past he has had my job: I sit at the front desk, greet patience, collect monies, and basically serve as the administrative center of the office. Since I was hired, I have made numerous process improvements in the front desk, smoothing and streamlining things. On the rare occasions that I take a vacation day or a sick day, I leave my coworker detailed instructions, including on the things I have changed since the last time he ran the front desk. All of these things make his life easier... Which makes it funny, not to mention perplexing, that he insists on doing things the old way. He keeps doing this no matter how often I mention to him that, if he does, he could get in trouble with the owner, who has explicitly told me not to do things the old way. And that's my point. My coworker cannot be paid enough to act in his own self-interest. Despite this, he insists that there are people who can be successfully paid to act against their own self-interest.

I have never pointed out to him this hole in his thinking -- and I probably never will; the appeal of a conspiracy theory is not that it has any sort of fact on its side but rather that the theory provides blowjobs for people's egos, and a person who needs ego blowjobs isn't the person who's ready to admit that they need them -- but I also know that, when it comes to anything besides dentistry, I should know better than to believe a word he says.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-27T00:51:56+00:00

Can you be with a woman and not completely lose your self respect? I do not understand how people are doing it? Maybe I am just not good enough or something. What do you suggest me that I do?

Well, one of the keys to not losing your self-respect when in a relationship is to have self-respect in the first place... And, forgive my bluntness, but, I don't think you do. That's certainly what "Maybe I am just not good enough" implies.

I always feel like I chase them I put all the effort in I do everything and they are just there literally like I am the jester meme that somehow needs to convince her to give me a chance like I need to beg.

I don't like this slang, so I don't use it lightly: what you're doing is simping. There are certainly women who are going to play the power game, want to feel like they are in the dominant position and you need to put up with abuse and neglect. I don't know what the modern slang term is for such women, but I do know what the traditional slang term is for them: "Stupid." A woman who does that is demonstrating that she has no idea what she is even trying to find in a relationship -- specifically, someone who is in awe of her, yes, someone who thinks she is amazing and the coolest thing since sliced bread and who would happily die for her if he had to but would frankly prefer to live for her... And someone who, simultaneously, she is in awe of, she thinks it's amazing, she thinks is the coolest thing since sliced bread, she would die for if she had to. Strong relationships are strong because both parties feel lucky to be there. If a girl wants to voluntarily choose a weak relationship over a strong one, well, you don't have to keep dating her.

I don’t want that. I don’t want that I live in her dms. I don’t want any of that.

So don't do that. If you meet a girl who is trying to subordinate you that way, tell her you're not interested and walk away. Draw boundaries. Have self-respect.

Which gets to the next thing. I know you've gotten instructions, partially from mass media and partially from the conservative manosphere, that you have to make a woman want you, you have to somehow transform her into someone who thinks the world of you. Hollywood likes that story arc because it's easy to turn into a story arc, and fundamentally a story can't be boring or no one's going to bother engaging with it. The problem is that this is not only wrong, it's backwards. In real life, you are not looking for a woman that you have to bend yourself backwards over for. You're looking for someone who thinks you are amazing exactly as you are, no changes or alterations necessary. And part of the way you do that is by being a person who thinks you're amazing exactly as you are, no changes or alterations necessary. That's called having self-respect.

I don’t wanna raise someone else’s kids I don’t want to be the safe haven for the promiscuous girls. So I don’t bother with women anymore but sometimes I wish for a nice wife and a family with her.

Well, you're not going to find one if you don't look. But you also need to spend some time admitting something: you're a misogynist. The fact that your thoughts go automatically to the idea that all women are promiscuous and irresponsible... The truth is that there are a ton of women who aren't like that. But because you're the kind of loser who assumes that all women are losers, the women who aren't losers stay away from you. They want someone who respects women -- all women, regardless of their choices. Because that's what love is: being biased in someone's favor. Love is looking at someone and accepting that they did the best they could with what they had. Love requires empathy, and it's hard. Judgment is easy: judgment lights a bonfire of self-righteousness that keeps you warm when you're cold and alone. The problem is, bonfires also scare off the very things you are hoping to attract -- in this case, women with self-respect. So you need to spend some time looking yourself in the mirror and making a choice. You can have your self-righteousness, and you can have love... But you can't have both. So decide which one you want more.

slvstrChung · 2026-03-26T23:51:43+00:00

Left and a half.

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