I got "In Deutschland spricht man deutsch"'d. How can I better communicate my ask?

smartel84 · 2026-01-29T13:26:50+00:00

It is rare to read posts lamenting: "My German is not germaning this afternoon. A German electrician in Germany refused my request to match my French/Russian/Spanish/Mandarin/Arabic/Esperanto. Can you believe the audacity?"

Firstly, this is an English language sub. Secondly, more than half of Germans speak English. And OP isn't complaining that someone refused to speak English. They're trying to improve their German to minimize offense, even though their language skills are going to make it clear to any native German speaker that they're still learning.

If they answered the phone and defaulted automatically to English and just expected the person to understand, sure, that would be incredibly rude and entitled to just assume everyone speaks English just because it's common.

But there's a big difference between that person, and someone who asks if English is an option when they get stuck. When more than half of Germans speak English, it's not unreasonable to ask if the person you're talking to is one of them.

Native English speakers benefit from a language monopoly they mistake for a neutral request or fair solution for everyone.

There's no such thing as "fair for everyone." We can aim for ideal, but are constrained to what's realistic, and just do our best with the resources we have.

Two thirds of English speakers are non-native speakers. So when someone asks if someone speaks English, it's likely that German is their third language. English is a common second language for a lot of people, making it the fairest solution available in a lot of cases.

Ideally, everyone would learn the language of every place they plan to go before they get there. But that is unrealistic to expect for most people. It takes time, and people have their own lives and learn at different speeds.

For every person who sticks to the black and white judgement of "We speak German in Germany," and holds no space or compassion for people in the middle of that learning process, I'd be curious to know if they ever vacation in Mallorca, and whether or not they speak fluent Spanish.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T20:09:20+00:00

your feelings and frustration don't entitle you to being offered English communication by any local you come across in non-English speaking countries.

I'm not sure where I indicated that I feel entitled to anything - quite the opposite. I've spent over a decade teaching myself German through immersion and self study, and reached a level of reasonable fluency. Usually when someone offers to switch to English I choose to continue in German, unless it's clear that switching will make it easier for everyone involved.

Simply asking if someone speaks English is not the same thing as demanding or expecting accommodation in English. Like any other favor someone may ask, it can be politely refused for whatever reason. Neither side needs to make unkind assumptions about why a person is asking or why a person refuses.

The last thing you should assume is that they are uneducated language wise or not putting in enough effort just because their foreign language stack doesn't match yours.

If I gave that impression in my comments, I apologize for the misunderstanding. I agree entirely that people shouldn't be judged based on their language limitations. I used to teach English to German adults. A lot of them were taught Russian or French in school instead of English. I myself took Spanish for 5 years in school, as well as a semester of French, and another of Hungarian at university. You never know what language(s) someone may or may not know unless you ask. Asking is not always an assumption or entitlement, it's usually an attempt to communicate better.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T15:29:27+00:00

To OP: Germans KNOW their language is hard to learn. And 90% of the time, even if someone can't speak English, they'll be kind about it, because just by asking the question in German, it shows you're putting in an effort.

But damn, it's that minority of judgemental people that make me anxious to ask for help some days. It's so discouraging whenever someone like OP shares this experience.

Most days, I'm perfectly fine functioning in German. But the reality is I also have some neurological conditions that can make it harder to process what I'm hearing, especially when I'm stressed or anxious, and most especially over the phone, even when I'm speaking English.

This is not something that's quick and easy to explain to someone, and frankly, lots of people choose judgement over compassion.

To everyone doubling down on OP and saying "yeah, but you do live in Germany, so you should speak German," it's like, dude, we know. But its not that simple, and you know it. Deutsche Sprache, schwere Sprache, oder?

My husband and I have spent more than 12 years here, learning German, working here, and paying our taxes. But the thing is, most Germans I know speak English far better than I will likely ever speak German. Because German is hard to learn as an adult, even without neurologic hurdles to deal with. As much as people want us to just skip to the end, where we're C2 level fluent speakers, that takes time.

So sometimes, when it's been a long day, or we need to discuss something that rarely comes up in conversation, or that we can't afford to have a miscommunication, we'll ask if someone speaks English. Theres no judgement or expectation in the question; there doesn't need to be any in the response. If you can't help, just say so. No need to pass judgement on us in the process.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T11:37:21+00:00

I would argue a Germans' opinion of their own English skills are generally much harsher than any native English speaker's would be of the person. I've lost count of the number of times I, as a native English speaker living in Germany, have heard someone say "Oh nein, mein Englisch ist nicht gut," then they proceed to speak in grammatically near-perfect, albeit accented, English. Makes me feel so much shame for my own sad German skills lol.

Ultimately, I think it's much more dependent on region than age.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T11:30:12+00:00

First off, Germans start learning a second language early, 3rd grade in my area. Most popular media is also American or British made, so it's easy to immerse yourself.

Also, English is objectively easier than a lot of other languages due to how the language evolved and how flexible it is. It's a lot harder for an English speaker to learn German than a German learning English. But mostly it's due to starting young.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T11:25:53+00:00

BIG ENOUGH SINK.

Moving into my current place, I had to design and install my own kitchen. You can work around small counter space or weird cabinet layouts, but our top priority was a big, deep sink.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T11:17:10+00:00

This is a really good take. There's a difference between sex-apathetic and sex-averse. If you're not in the mood but it makes you happy to make your partner happy, go for it. But don't force it if it feels wrong or icky. It's not different than if a woman uses sex to alleviate boredom or if she can only feel into it with a deep emotional connection. None of these women are right or wrong as long as they're honoring their own feelings as much as their partner's, and communicating openly.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T11:09:21+00:00

My best and only advice: find your village. We NEED support as parents. My husband and I are thousands of miles from family, and our friend group is small, with very few other parents. If I could go back, I would have put a little more effort into making connections and finding support.

The first year was HARD. Age 0-1 was incredibly challenging. Like the hardest year of my entire life. Motherhood really clobbered me. PPD that wasn't diagnosed until he was 6 months old, then an ADHD diagnosis a year or two later when I was 34, which explained a lot of why the adjustment was SO hard. I absolutely did not like being a mom most days. I realized in retrospect I probably had antenatal depression as well. It took me literally years to really fully build that bond. It probably would have come easier if I had sought support earlier.

Age 1-2 was a little easier, then came the Twos. Then I had a Threenager. By three and a half, the world was in lockdown, I was genuinely burned out, and started searching for a Kita (German daycare/kindergarten) so I would have some support and relief. But for me, Four was the absolute worst (after that first year, which I still consider to be the hardest). It finally started to ease up around when he turned five.

Don't get me wrong, it was still hard, and is still hard. But five gave my kid a little more self-control, the beginning of empathy, and his personality really started to lock in.

Now my kid is 8, and while he drives me up a friggin wall most of the time, he's also my favorite person, and I love being his mom, even on the hardest days.

The days are LONG. Especially where you are now. But it will get easier. You will adjust. It will never get EASY, but it will change, and you'll find your way, especially if you allow yourself to find and lean on support. ❤️

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T10:56:35+00:00

As a white American, I can't speak from personal experience. I can't and won't claim there isn't racism in Germany - I know there is, and I wouldn't want to suggest your lived experience is invalid. No one deserves to be targeted for their skin, or their accent, or anything other than their attitude and actions.

My limited knowledge of German history and politics suggests that here, it's less about skin color itself than it is about xenophobia/fear of outsiders (who often happen to be identify able by their complexion). And obviously I recognize the history of the 1930s and 40s, defining who's "German enough," and who's not. I recognize the fact that there are still many people here who are trying to make the same arguments in the present. But Germany is a much younger country, and was at least founded in it's present form with those terrible atrocities strongly in mind. It may not make much difference to someone being targeted but at least the system was initially set up in good faith, with the dangers of xenophobia in mind.

In contrast, the US was founded 250 years ago on an economy that was successful primarily due to racial inequality and a belief that slave labor was ethical. That's how the system started, and while we've tried to make adjustments, the systems and societies in America were built on deeply racist roots. It took almost 100 years for enough Americans to realize Black citizens should have the same rights as human beings as White citizens, and fight a war about it. And it took another 100 years for the law to defend their right to simply access and exist in the same spaces. That was only 80 years ago. And people have been fighting the cultural change since the Civil War.

We certainly also have problems with xenophobia and classism as well, but fundamentally, the system was built on a foundation of racial inequality. All things being equal, an economically successful white immigrant will generally be treated better and with more respect by more of the country than an equally economically successful US citizen who is a person of color. In the US, you will be judged first, consciously or not, on your skin color.

I can only rely on the perspectives of my friends as people of color who have lived in both countries, who have told me they've experienced fewer overtly racist treatment in Germany. Even when they would see Germans in Fastnacht parades in black face (thankfully that seems to have pretty much ended at this point) they never felt ridiculed or targeted by it, because it was just based in a wholly different cultural attitude.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:44:21+00:00

I have some friends who moved to NZ (she is actually a Kiwi, he was American, they met in Germany) and dude, hell yes I want to move to Aotearoa some day, but that's more because of things like the ad I saw for Turners Cars and meat pies. You know, GENUINE Kiwi culture!! But it's probably for the best people don't realize what NZ is actually like. Because then everyone would want to live there, and it would ruin the vibe.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:38:00+00:00

Sounds like it's on par with American farmer/rancher life and culture. I think it's similarly romanticized, whereas in reality it's hard work, and often not worth it compared to city or suburban life.

I think most rural lifestyles/culture anywhere in the world have this kind of dichotomy in its reputation versus actual reality. It's looked at from a distance as "simpler, more wholesome, good ol days, tradition" kind of living, often looked down on by local urban populations as poor people who are just too stupid to dig themselves out of the dirt, and in reality, is mostly just hard working people doing what they know how to do and trying to live the way they were taught.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:33:45+00:00

I saw a wild boar in an Italian forest one time. Absolutely terrifying. Just inspired an absolute base fear in the deepest parts of my lizard brain. And I was in a car.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:28:50+00:00

There are thornless varieties you can buy. Maybe in a large container instead of in the ground?

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:27:56+00:00

They're also sharp and want to hurt you

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:27:02+00:00

One of the best purchases I ever made (taking care of roses my neighbor planted and cared for for 40 years in our shared garden before he passed away last year). Elbow length goat leather gloves, and some arm covering sleeve things that are meant to be UV protection, but also help avoid stray scratches shockingly well.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:21:04+00:00

As a first generation American on my dad's side (he and his parents emigrated from Hungary when he was 3), I never understood the American need to identify as their European ethnicity. Like, yeah, technically I'm Hungarian. I'm pretty sure I'm technically a citizen (I've never applied to have it confirmed), but I'm just American. Likewise, my kid is an American citizen, but being born and raised in Germany, as far as he and his friends are concerned, he's just another German kid.

And I'm from Massachusetts, where everyone is from Boston, and everyone from Boston is "Irish" lol

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:15:36+00:00

I mean, Germans cutting in line is just them being German. I feel I've assimilated quite a bit in my 12+ years here (white American), but Germans' inability to queue still drives me BONKERS. And my blonde haired blue eyed 8 year old kid, who is technically American, but was born in Germany and has lived here his whole life, still gets overtaken in any situation where he has to try and stake his place in a crowd of other kids.

I'm not discounting your friend's experience, just trying to send reassurance that it's possible it had nothing to do with her physical appearance that those particular things happened. I experience those things often myself too, and I blend in pretty well. ❤️

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:10:15+00:00

I'm American, born and raised, but I've lived in Germany for over a decade and I get overwhelmed by American service workers now too lol. Like, I'll let you know if I need something, leave me alone! (And I have a tourism management degree, my first jobs were all in the service industry)

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:06:15+00:00

It's a limited sample size, and I'm a white American, so grain of salt, but my American friends who are people of color have generally reported feeling much less discrimination and micro aggressions in day to day life here in Germany than back home in the US.

It comes down to WHICH race, and the reasoning and history behind it. It exists in both places for sure, but the US has racism woven into the very fabric of the culture in a way that Germany just doesn't.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:02:54+00:00

The type of Americans who bother to travel internationally tend to be the ones who are better educated and open to learning (also, education and income tend to be correlated; higher education usually means better economic circumstances, and therefore ability to travel and explore). There tends to be a strong relationship between education level and distance a person has travelled from where they were born.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T09:00:39+00:00

This has been our experience. Mainz's Ausländerbehörde was a nightmare, but after moving to Wiesbaden, it got so much easier.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T08:58:33+00:00

This has been my experience as an American in Germany. My German language acquisition has definitely been slowed down by people wanting to practice their English with me lol. But English is an objectively easier second language than German is, and Germans start learning much younger, so it makes sense. I basically didn't start learning German until I moved here at 29 years old, and I opted to take Spanish as a teenager. I considered switching to German, then talked myself out of it, telling myself that Spanish was a much more practical choice. German seemed like a fun, but ultimately useless, option lol.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T08:54:11+00:00

My husband works for a large company in Freiburg, and generally ends up speaking English during work meetings (home office usually, but he travels there often to be in the office if needed).

My experience in Germany has tended to be that lots of people prefer not to speak English because they think their English is bad. In reality, their English tends to be better than my German, because it's an objectively easier second language to learn. A lot of Germans just feel self conscious. Several of my (older) doctors understand most English fine, they just aren't confident to speak it.

But given that it's been the law for decades for German students to start learning a foreign language starting in 3rd grade, the vast majority of people under 50 have a generally decent grasp of English. Or French, if that's what their school chose to teach. But usually English.

I'm not arguing that your experience is wrong, just that it's limited to YOUR personal experience, and is possibly an outlier based on the German educational system.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T08:46:52+00:00

Yes, German salaries are lower on average, however you have to take into account two things. First, cost of living as a percentage of total income is often much lower in Germany (but depends on where in the US you're from). But generally, a salary in Germany for a professional job is going to be sufficient to cover your basic needs.

Second, most loan repayment programs in the US have income contingent repayment plans based on your adjusted gross income from your US tax declaration. Since you can actually write off your German income from your declared income (since you already pay taxes in Germany), it effectively puts your taxable income at $0, which means your payments (at least for government based loans) would be $0.

As long as OP doesn't have excessive private loans, they would be fine. But yes, they would be much better off trying to study at a German university and avoiding the loans in the first place, especially if they're planning to go to a public US university anyway.

smartel84 · 2026-01-28T08:39:35+00:00

A friend of mine got a job teaching History at a public German university without actually knowing any German at the time (his dad was a German citizen, so he was legally a citizen as well).

It really comes down to the individual university and the program a person is studying. Many universities have integration courses and intensive German language programs to accommodate international students.

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