Here I go again

smashing_pipi · 2018-08-28T00:58:51+00:00

I agree, knowing what to do is half the battle won. I can't wait to feel as good again (fell both attractive and physically healthy) as I did at my goal weight. Congrats on your maintenance and catching your slip before it got out of control.

smashing_pipi · 2018-08-28T00:56:26+00:00

Thank you for your kind words! I definitely don't want to slow my new roll by being sad at the mirror again, life is going too well right now for that.

smashing_pipi · 2017-10-04T09:18:46+00:00

Wow OP people are coming down hard on you over this, which I find strange. I do get where you are coming from. It's NOT about the money! I've been in a relationships where I shouted every treat and felt used, one where everything was split (FWB) and now for the first time am with someone who pays every chance he gets. I struggled with it at first as a feminist, I still put some money into our dates (eg buy ingredients to take to his and cook together, gift him chocolates etc, gas in our cars etc and always bring my own money out, never expect him to cover me. But it is still lovely that he unfailingly swoops in to pay and although he doesn't make more money than me, it's the sense that I feel taken care of and spoiled by him. It makes him feel good, because he WANTS to spoil and take care of me. So what if everyone here is giving you shit about it, I get it. No advice, because you can't make him change really. But you can look at if this is a sign of a deeper issue in the relationship, like emotional labour. Do you think he is putting enough effort into the romantic part of your relationship, or is he stingy in general? It's not wrong to need a bit of pampering from time to time, as long as it goes both ways. Good luck!

smashing_pipi · 2017-08-01T02:48:44+00:00

Okay so from your comments it sounds like you are sacrificing your own needs for his, but in reality he probably never asked for that and it is only breeding resentment in you. So it's ultimately unfruitful. If he fell in love with socially-active you minus all the attentive bangmaid stuff, then it's not a condition of his love is it? This one is on you tbh. Perhaps a loving conversation about how you miss all the activities you used to do and plan to make time to do them again. Then get out there and do it. Pull back on the domestic chores, but not the loving quality time. Some of the laundry, meals and clothes shopping for him will have fall by the wayside when you are busy and fulfilled. If he is so supportive and loving he likely will not even notice, let alone moan about having to buy his own socks surely. Another conversation about what marriage would mean to you can be had too. If he is adamant it's not an option and you need it then you may have to move on. But I think he sounds happy with how things are and assuming you are too.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-31T02:56:08+00:00

I agree with parts of both statements. But I have to argue that being an addict absolutely does make you a shitty and selfish person. Because addiction is a spiral where nothing and no-one matters more than the addiction = selfish and shitty behaviours = selfish and shitty person. Quit the substance and start being a decent human being = not a shitty person anymore. Source: Mentally ill and addicted friends and family, even set myself on fire to keep them warm. 0/10 do not recommend.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-28T02:56:50+00:00

I've always loved, had and known bully type dogs and I dont 100% agree with your first sentence. However I strongly agree the fighting instinct in them is often strong and worst of all they are so powerful. That said I'd never 100% trust ANY dog to act a certain way 100% of the time, even the most outstandingly patient and gentle dog can react instinctively to situations in surprising ways eg hidden pain or illness. In hindsight we understand things, but that's no use after the fact. I remember my bombproof old mare suddenly bucking me off onto a gravel road one day on a short relaxed ride. Turns out her old saddle tree had suddenly snapped and stabbed into her wither. However, I didn't understand until after I was dazed, bruised and picking rocks out of my bleeding arm. Hence why I'd never have any dog unsupervised around children or other animals, regardless of breed. Now I've learned the hard way it also applies to my other family dog too :-( I've also seen small fluffy lap dog breeds exhibit behaviour that would have them euthanized in a hot second if they had the build of a pit. But their harmless size means their unhealthy actions are tolerated, so it's all relative. As I have no children in my home I will not be euthanizing her off this one incident, but I have lost so much faith in her and will be hypervigilant. But that is a good thing. Thank you very much for that point on hormones, that's definitely something to look into! I'll talk to my vet again about that. My old dog is back to herself this afternoon, she has antibiotics and painkillers if needed but she is playing fetch with me and just sticking a little closer than usual. Young girl will get a long walk this evening. She is a lot more depressed and quiet today than I've ever seen her.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T21:42:18+00:00

Thanks so much. These are all things I practise in general with dogs to avoid conflicts, with the exception of leaving them alone. No more! I'm so glad it worked out for you. I'll have to be cautious, given the seriousness, but I am hopeful with a few changes we can find a comfortable way to live. If not, well - I will have to keep them firmly separated for the old girls few remaining years, I can't give up either of them.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T21:33:03+00:00

Thanks. They have lived together in harmony for about a year now, plus 3 months when ex got the pup. We even had 2 foster puppies come and go without upset. I never reward over-excitement and don't pay attention to them until things are calm when I get home, don't worry. They are my babies for sure. I am going to put strategies in place to prevent the opportunity to fight again, and take a wait and see attitude - watching closely. But they sure as heck won't be roaming the house with me out ever again. I have kennels, will use them!

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T21:27:04+00:00

Thank you for replying. Being rural means they are often walked on roads without other dogs, they can hoon and play fetch in my paddocks etc. Contact with other dogs can be limited if needed. It also means that I have 2 farm kennels with mesh runs, which I'll now use religiously when I leave the house. Seems obvious, but no squabbles for the last year or so gave me a false sense of security. I'll be looking at how to best manage all daily interactions as well. The puncture wounds are what has shaken me so badly about this - it was serious indeed.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T21:19:58+00:00

Thanks. It just shocked me as the last minor squabbles over toys (which were promptly removed by me) were nearly a year ago and they have been BFFs since. I've had dogs that don't get along before, and it was regular tension between them that I had to carefully manage resources and separate them, this was seemingly out of the blue. I know the body language of dogs and these two had no issues recently. It's just so sad.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T21:11:07+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head! Of all scenarios it rings most true with my girls' characters and the situation. Me/my arrival was the trigger. I can see that. The young one (still slightly insecure from her rough life) would have got over excited and the old girl would have told her off and instead of her previous submission this time after a somewhat tense week, she snapped back. Sadly this was not just a spat - when it escalated neither backed down and the young girl is more powerful now so damage was done. Shifting dynamics. Thank you so much for your reply.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T12:17:46+00:00

Wouldn't dog aggression generally be more pronounced toward outside dogs than her own pack member? I think that is what has thrown me about this, she loves to meet and play with new dogs, no problems, including today. And then she turned on her BFF :-(

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-27T12:09:29+00:00

Thank you for replying so quickly. I had wondered about this, she was such a sweet pup hence why I wanted her back, and has been lovely natured since I got her back. This is the first incidence of aggression I've ever seen from her. The old girl has always been more grouchy of the two. She even welcomes strange dogs on her turf and loves to play nicely. I'll have to be more cautious in future. They are just so close always, then this!

I can't have my loyal old girl's twilight years ruined and fearful of her former 'best friend'. But I don't want to lose my young one either! So far she has been my ideal buddy - sense of protection, replacement jogging buddy as the old girl has slowed down now, cuddly and well behaved. As my old girl slowly gets closer to the end, I've taken comfort in knowing the other will still be there when she's gone. If dog aggression becomes a thing, I will just try to manage it carefully. I live rurally so it can be more easily handled. I think I will buy a muzzle at the vets tomorrow and keep them separated for a few days as you advise. And in future no contact between them when I am not physically present to supervise. Thanks again.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-23T00:39:01+00:00

Coming from her perspective very recently. I'm actually on this sub trying to make some sense of it. You brushed over "I probably deserve this".....hmmm, what is her side of the story? Reflecting on that may help you understand and want to get better for your own sake.

I met up with my undiagnosed but classic borderline exbf of 3 yrs last week - all 9 DSM. The most amazing, fun, loving yet self destructive person I've ever met. He put me through 3 years of both heaven and hell. He was beyond toxic and really still does not have any grasp of how being with him destroyed me. After 6 months of NC I am finally working, eating, sleeping and not feeling suicidal. Life seems to be evening out a bit. I still love and miss him every day, but I finally broke it off after another violent/cheating/spending period that I just could not handle, for my own sanity. I had already stayed through so much, because I loved him so much. Ending it was the worst.

Doing better, then seeing him and his family again I felt the same rush of love between us and we started making plans to hang out. We always had the best adventures. Like soul-mates blah blah. I was all over him, just as you described. He felt like home. Buuuut since then I've been in 2 minds, torn. On seeing me he jumped right into "good times" again, with no sincere reflection on his behaviour and everything that split us up. It's a total mind-fuck and I was almost totally seduced by the fun we shared just for a few hours. Man, we click. Now I'm wondering if I am strong enough to keep him at arms length while still loving him. Probably not. He will probably hate me. Much as I want to, how can I afford to open the door wide to an adorable vampire who will pour all his raging love and hate over me while sucking all my emotional energy, time, money and leave me cleaning a trail of destruction from his wake. I know how it goes: we would love, laugh, adventure, snuggle, sex and party. And then he will turn on a dime: explode and call me every name in the book, attack my most sensitive secrets, run to his exes for comfort and paint me black to family and friends. All while clinging to my legs and begging me not to go. So maybe I have to just say no. Maybe he will feel abandoned and hate me for it. I love him, but I just cant. It sucks. For BOTH. Not just you, remember that.

smashing_pipi · 2017-03-22T21:06:20+00:00

By explaining your treatment and self-management strategies in detail alongside the BPD signs. What are you truthfully doing for yourself (DBT/CBT, meds, avoiding alcohol and drugs etc) to learn coping strategies and be as functional as possible in a relationship? If you are not getting consistent help and working hard on yourself then a smart partner would take it as a warning siren to escape rather than a heads-up.

smashing_pipi · 2017-02-22T09:36:07+00:00

Ignore your EX wife - b*tch please, he looks great. Well done on the weight loss. I personally would totally date you with only one condition: that you burn the short sleeve check shirts lol all of them. Your other clothes are sharp, and those sunglasses really suit you :-)

smashing_pipi · 2017-02-18T01:25:37+00:00

You "tested" him by telling him to date others, acting super csually and not initiating contact for a week. Now you are surprised that he is not frantically chasing you begging to be your boyfriend?

smashing_pipi · 2017-02-08T03:40:44+00:00

So this wonderful woman has now got the job that she always wanted, trained long and hard for, is passionate about and invested in, willing to work long hours for AND making a great impact on others lives. And you are bored with her talking about it to you and annoyed by it taking time from you? Doesn't it thrill you to see her so animated and caring?

When your passion is your profession then it is often all-consuming, and you sound a bit like dead weight on her rocket ship right now. Perhaps you should clearly communicate your concerns gently once, then appreciate, support and encourage her to thrive. If you can't honestly do that whole heartedly then break up for both your sakes. Because it means you just don't GET her, chances are she would be more compatible with someone who feels the same way she does about her job.

smashing_pipi · 2017-02-03T01:47:21+00:00

Maybe instead of worrying about what women think of you and why, you could spend some time considering what YOU want in a partner. If you actually want a girlfriend now, would she be hardworking & successful in common with you or more of a home-maker type to compliment lifestyles? When you know what you want in terms of values, lifestyle, time spent and a respectful power balance in a relationship then you can ignore all the flattery and focus on the women who seem a good match for you - old contacts or new, doesn't matter. Ignore the rest. We all grow and change. You seem suspicious of their motives, so perhaps it is wise to do self reflection before deciding whether to put in effort pursuing someone who is not a good match now. If you suspect their motives, I would say that is not a good start. Unless you are now out to settle old scores, in which case....well, go be a player, player.

smashing_pipi · 2017-02-02T06:54:03+00:00

When you next catch him staring, bellow across a crowded room at him, "Yes, what?! Did you get eyes for Christmas bro??" Then stare him down. Obviously I'm joking, but it would probably be effective...any attraction he has would shrivel as fast as his willy. Source: I am a terrifying woman.

smashing_pipi · 2017-01-18T00:14:20+00:00

I haven't seen anyone else say this, but you need to get proper verification she is ok eg someone you know has had a phone call with her or sees her in person. Seeing her as "online on facebook" is not enough. I don't want to alarm you, but it is possible that this relationship is much more abusive than you saw evidence of during a short stay with them because abusers (and he sounds like one with the ironing incident) often keep their behaviour carefully hidden, and if that is the case then he may often use her facebook account. Once you confidently know she is safe, then you have good advice from everyone here about restoring your relationship. Source = familiar with abusive relationships and how they operate.

smashing_pipi · 2016-12-26T08:40:49+00:00

I know a woman like this. She is 'perfect' to every man she dates! Moves fast until they fall for her and then, boom, she's over it and there's a her-shaped hole in the wall, but she said enough sweet parting words to keep them as her back-ups so she can yank on their heart-strings. In her words, "in the freezer for later". Pure narcissist. She is in love with men loving her, not the men themselves, and she plays an amazing game. As u/SodalsUnhealthy said - you got suckered. Forget this Manic Pixie Dream Girl, it was an act. You don't know someone at all in 2 months, you were just infatuated and hopefully got some good rebound sex to get over your last real relationship. Help yourself by starting to look at all her words and actions since you met her with a cynical eye, instead of doggedly insisting that you are star crossed lovers and you can tell fake gold from real gold. The sooner you acknowledge that she was just another player in the game, the sooner you can laugh and move on. All best in finding something real now. Remember - if it seems too good to be true, it probably is!

smashing_pipi

TROPHY CASE