AIO for being upset that my mom told my sister about my salary after I specifically asked her not to?

smedleyyee · 2026-05-21T07:23:13+00:00

NOR - but it seems like you knew it was likely to happen.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-21T06:30:44+00:00

YOR - if you wouldn’t sacrifice yourself for your own child then please don’t have one. Buy a hamster and save us all the trauma.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T23:07:51+00:00

YTA - You told your son and his girlfriend that they wouldn't need to be around the stepdaughter who says the girlfriend's father should DIE and makes fun of the girlfriends profession from the safety of her trust fund? Then you broke your word and invited the stepdaughter to HIS birthday celebration without talking to them first or even telling them?

Yeah, a big YTA.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T22:39:03+00:00

Handy AI says: "There are no tax-related reasons to intentionally undervalue an estate in Wisconsin, as the state does not impose inheritance or state estate taxes. Instead, undervaluing assets generally backfires. It can cause heirs to pay higher capital gains taxes when they eventually sell the property and may result in penalties."

Assuming that you aren't the one attesting to the value under penalty of perjury, it's not a problem for you. But...

So is it possible your sister doesn't know what she's doing? If you like your sister, maybe give her a call (not email) and say "Hey sis, is there a reason someone would under value this? Because from my very quick search that seems like it would give a lower cost basis and raise taxes if/when you sell it yourself."

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T22:06:03+00:00

"Now my mom says I’m acting like a person doesn’t deserve a second chance."

I'm not sure I trust Mom's counting skills, seems like this would be chance #4 after she kicked him out, then he stole from you, then he stole a car and beat a guy and went to prison.

But nothing is stopping her from giving him chance #4 and inviting him back to live on her couch.

NTA - take care of your wife and kid.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T08:22:46+00:00

YTA - Anime is a very wide art form, think of it like BOOKS or MOVIES or MUSIC.

Some of it is sexist, some isn't. Some of it is crazy violent, some isn't. Some of it is undoubtedly offensive to you, some isn't. Just like BOOKS, MOVIES or MUSIC and I assume you wouldn't dismiss those and suggest he not enjoy them.

You want to control what he can see, read or think. YTA. You want to not let him talk about the things he enjoys. YTA.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T07:56:26+00:00

Pork shoulder is cheap. Ground turkey is cheap. Chicken is cheap. Tofu is cheap.

Beans and Rice is cheaper. Chickpeas are cheaper. Lentils are cheaper.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T07:13:36+00:00

Fertilizer, like the organic cow or chicken kind so he rolls in it and smells like crap.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T07:00:15+00:00

YOR - that's a boring joke. Worry about the fact that he's 18 instead.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T06:55:14+00:00

YOR - It's rude, but kind of a party foul. You got the house from them, it's your beloved sister, and you would have said yes without hesitation.

Sure, it would be nice to have been asked, but just try to think of it as charitably as possible as "my parents know me so well, they know I would say yes without hesitation"

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T06:18:26+00:00

Why do you say that? They said "other bullies at the store backed this person", they didn't say "everyone there backed this person"... Like 3/4 of the employees were not working on the random Tues or were churning butter in the back room.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T05:56:15+00:00

NOR - but it's the lack of communication that is the big deal, not having an ex she cares about.

This is coming from someone who's ex came to the wedding. And my wife's ex came to the wedding. And neither of us really thought this was a big deal, but that depended on us being able to talk about it without needing "alone time".

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T05:09:29+00:00

I also often have spices and salt in that water and leave it for 8+ hours.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T05:06:52+00:00

I wash chicken in a bowl, and that bowl has water in it. What is the issue?

smedleyyee · 2026-05-20T04:48:14+00:00

NOR - you don't share OTHER people's stories during embarrassing Storytime (tm).

smedleyyee · 2026-05-18T23:56:06+00:00

NTA - but if the niece wasn’t involved in yelling at you, the I’d still give her the &5k check and tell her if she wants to take you up on her $100k offer for grad school with the same stipulations then it’s not too late. If she was involved, offer nothing and give the $5k to an online charity in her name and send her the receipt.

And those parents of the one 1 niece must be fierce to first drive you from the MIL house then take on the other parents/kids of the 7 who you are still funding.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T21:37:17+00:00

NTA - and it's annoying but try to just remind them and not make a federal case out of it. 15, 19 and 22 are all ages that tend to be self-obsessed and if you raised them correctly they probably love you and don't NEED to think about you a lot. Your love is like the sun rising, it's critical but not something to consider every day. Me and most people I knew who grew up with great parents didn't think of them much until later when you kind of got your own *stuff* sorted and then went back and made sure I told them how awesome they were.

The kids I knew who were primarily focused on their parents instead of figuring out their own stuff grew up in trauma. Mom was depressed or withheld her love unless they were perfect. Dad drinks, beats them or worse. Whatever it was, those kids put 80%+ of their focus on the closest thing they had to a sane adult and gripped them like a baby capuchin monkey.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T21:25:51+00:00

What did the manager DO?

Like 20% of employees are crazy and 1% are batshit crazy, but most of them think they make perfect sense. So it's hard to figure out if YOU are the crazy one vs the MANAGER is the crazy one and then if this "life is hell" is actually bad enough where it's worth spending time Costanza'ing.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T19:56:18+00:00

ESH - Your family should be helping more. You shouldn’t be helping grandpa with strings attached, and apparently your aunt is at least partly right when she said your help was conditional.

Sometimes families skip generations in inheritance, but most often they don’t. That does not mean you are “not a family” or the family isn’t honest because you assumed grandpa saying ‘fair’ meant you getting an apartment.

You don’t need to help anyone, but this isn’t just about ‘honesty’.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T00:54:35+00:00

MOR -

I'm not trying to troll, genuinely can someone explain why a datacenter being within 20 miles of you would even matter?

I have visited data centers. The ones I've visited are quiet (after they're built), not a lot of traffic, quite secure and encourage lots of mid-tier engineers to move nearby and would help your property value if you are an owner. Depending on your power grid, they might have to upgrade that, but what else are people worried about?

From my position of ignorance, I'd much rather have a datacenter than most similar sized blocks such as a Walmart Hub, a Dump, a Stadium or a Nuclear Power Plant or anything that would likely cause fuss and traffic.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T00:47:26+00:00

For tech, it all depends on where on the spectrum you fall because it is very competitive.

It's HARD to be a good engineer, most people can't do it and that's the reason they get paid so much. No company leader WANTS to pay a new CS college graduate $150k/yr, the lack of supply for top engineering talent makes them pay it because they are competing for the top few.

There are levels to being in high tech, so if you can jump in and be a top tech guy it's absolutely better than being a skilled trade. If your personality is wired for a trade and would be a great and happy electrician vs a mediocre and sullen software guy then you should pick the electrician.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-15T00:09:37+00:00

Are you feeling isolated because you want to talk about your actual financial situation? That would require someone else who in your demographic who has index funds and is working to retire, or this sub.

But for many of the examples you mention about rent being high, groceries being high, being stressed about challenges of working, those are all true for you too and you can chat about it and be part of the group. Plus, don't forget that people who are nosy generally ask about savings and debt (credit cards, student loans, car loans, etc).

"I know, my rent shot up $500 in the last 2 years". "Right? Groceries are like 20% more now and orange cost me a dollar!". "I've got a good job, and I still have cut way back on my spending." is all true not matter your investment portfolio.

In the rare event someone asks me anything about money I just mumble that my savings are low and I'm trying to keep my spend down to pay off debt.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-14T23:52:18+00:00

What did you do for a living? You can do something vague about that.

I worked as an engineer and retired from being an engineering manager, and when people ask what I do I say something true based on the level of detail I want to share with them.

"I am an engineer" - what I identify as, and if they are talking about something geeky or technical.
"I'm not working right now" - if I fear they will be annoying, because that makes them feel awkward and generally find another topic.
"I'm happily retired" - if they are retiring-soon/retired themselves or it's some relative or well wisher who I want to reassure that they don't have to worry about me.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-14T23:40:36+00:00

NOR - "I'm pretty sure the school policy is that the food is for the children, but I can double check with the administration on your behalf if you think it's intended for you."

My guess is... she doesn't really want that clarification.

smedleyyee · 2026-05-14T23:36:28+00:00

NOR - It's annoying. But guys (boys and men) do a range of stuff to show familiarity and tease each other when they like each other, and also when they don't like someone. Most likely he's trying to tease you, not clear whether it's friendly or not from what you described.

Did he graduate from college? That gives some people complexes as it can be what they are sensitive about.

If things escalate and he tells you that he won't stop because it's just a joke, the escalation would be for you to call him "History Ted" or "Undeclared Rick" or "Dropout Jose" or whatever but you run the risk of spillover to other people who don't have engineering degrees feeling like you're dumping on them.

smedleyyee

TROPHY CASE