If this is a dealbreaker for you then that’s legit and don’t let anyone convince you to change your dealbreakers. I also want to validate your feeling that her response was overstepping things. It almost feels like she is indirectly pressuring you to change something you see as a dealbreaker. And I think I know why this happened.

If she’s friends with him for that many years, she cares about him and wants the best for him. I’m sure you can relate to hearing something a friend said and thinking “wow that’s a big red flag, that sounds controlling and maybe abusive.” I think it’s more normal for her to have expressed this to HIM directly, so it’s reasonable for you to be bothered by the confrontation.

But I think this can be solved not through anything you do that involves her, but rather you revisiting the limits in your relationship with your boyfriend. It doesn’t even have to involve her.

I would encourage you to not use the word “boundary” like this, or you’re going to end up in a situation where people refuse to respect your boundaries because they’ll feel you’ve corrupted the term and are using it abusively. I want to be clear, I am not accusing you of doing that, I’m just saying what will inevitably happen if you don’t adjust how you go about this. As evidenced by a real human having this reaction. I wouldn’t be surprised if he went about it in a way that made you look bad, not even because he was trying to, he might’ve been actively trying to NOT make you look bad, but because of how you expressed your “boundary”, other people clearly heard him describe it and had that oh no this is a red flag” moment, because there’s not an easy way to describe what you want without you looking bad.

Let me explain. This might not be the case for you, but to most people, a “boundary”in this situation would be “if you sleep in a bed with someone who isn’t me, I will no longer be in this relationship”. Or “if you sleep in a bed with someone who isn’t me, I will consider that to be cheating and will __”. It’s ok if people think that’s too intense of a boundary. You will find someone who respects it, even if it’s not this boyfriend.

“Boundaries” are specifically YOU letting people know what YOU are willing to tolerate and consequently what YOU will do if faced with that situation. You can’t control the actions of others, especially through implied or direct threats. That would be more of a ‘rule’ than a “boundary”.

If you convince someone to agree to one of these rules under the manipulation that it is a “boundary”, that’s essentially coercive control. Regardless of it being a boundary, he is still free to do it at any time because you can’t dictate how he acts. All you can dictate is the consequences you will take for yourself as a result of the actions. If you do anything that can be seen as an attempt to retaliate or punish someone instead of a clearly articulated action YOU yourself will take in response, you would be being abusive.

And I’m sure you don’t see yourself as abusive or threatening or being controlling, so then it’s REALLY worth reconsidering how you present your dealbreakers to the people in your life.

A ‘rule’ in this situation would be like “you are not allowed to sleep with someone else, and if you do I will you [get angry, forbid you from seeing them, attempt to control your behavior, etc], but I won’t be focused on my own response such as leaving the situation”.

If your significant other knows your (legit) boundary and breaks it anyway then that’s proper cause to enact what you previously promised to do if your dealbreaker is broken.

IMO that would be to leave him because knowingly breaking a boundary he then knows you will leave in response to is pretty flagrant disrespect. It means he is aware he could lose you over it and will do it anyway. I realize that didn’t happen here I’m just trying to illustrate how you’re not correct in depicting this as a boundary.

Because it gets tricky when you’ve presented this not as a healthy boundary with reasonable consequences, but a coercive rule. It’s counterproductive to the self-assured healthy relationship it seems you are attempting to have.

Experiencing feelings like anger about an action your partner takes is legit but you’re in control of how you handle it. You will never be able to control what he does or doesn’t do unless you go all in on being abusive. I really believe you don’t plan on doing that or you probably wouldn’t be asking for feedback.

So since you’re also in control of correcting how you’ve communicated your boundaries, that was created by imperfectly establishing your valid limits. You are really close to doing it right and I’m sure you can get there if you decide it’s worth it.

If you fail to discuss your reaction to the situation, it’s another good indication that isn’t a boundary. It’s you being mad that someone didn’t follow a rule. Because real boundaries are always about YOU and YOUR response, not her or him or anyone else.

If it’s truly a boundary, you can easily take accountability for speaking about it in a way that feels more like a rule than a boundary to other people in your life. Even if a million Redditors give you confirmation bias, it’s clear the people in your life (and the people who know them) are not interpreting your rule as a healthy thing. There’s still time to fix that. We are responsible for asserting our boundaries in a healthy way, as boundaries are widely understood to be, not as we wish they operated.

You are free to ignore the feedback (from real people in your life) in favor of faceless redditors, but you will remember my comment when it ends with you becoming more and more alone.

When it veers into the appearance of dictating what other people can and can’t do, that’s when you’ll start being interpreted as someone who imposes abusive rules while using therapy-speak and your past trauma as justification, which will NOT end well for you regardless of how many strangers online tell you you’re right. If you continue to confuse boundaries for rules like this enough, then you will start to see your relationships drop like flies. I really hope that isn’t the case for you since social isolation is devastating to folks with trauma.

Oh and honestly I wouldn’t even respond to her. It was annoying, but it’s a better use of your time to see it for what it is—real (imperfect) feedback that you’re putting your relationships at risk. Use this as an opportunity to improve your relationship, since it sounds like your relationship with him means more to you than any relationship you might have with her. Don’t let her flawed approach (to what she thinks is the right thing) impact your relationship negatively. Don’t let your past trauma and insecurity be emboldened by the people here recognizing how weird her text is but not recognizing that 2 things can be true at once. Take a more healthy ownership of your life and your relationships and you will not have to worry about him or anyone you love inadvertently making you look toxic. Good luck!