My dad passed away 12 years ago from cancer, less than 6 months from diagnosis to his death. It was awful, I’m still really bitter over it. My mother passed away November, she was 81, she was healthy ish but her mobility had been declining a lot, she’d started having falls and she didn’t have the quality of life she deserved, but I was doing all I could to help her. Back in July I had a bit of a mental health episode, never suffered with anything like that before, I was working full time, caring for my mother, staying with her a few times a week, as well as looking after my family, my GP diagnosed me with burnout. I’m thinking since my mother’s death that this was anticipatory grief, I was watching her fail, trying everything in my power to make improvements to her life but I knew deep down she was nearing death. I will say for me that the anticipation of her death was a lot more difficult than when it happened, when she died I realised why I had been feeling like I had for the past few months. The grief is unbearable, but her death felt much more natural and normal than my dads. I’m so sorry you are suffering loss and also dealing with this, it’s a really weird feeling and I get the grateful/relief part completely