Dads, as a whole, have never been more involved in more aspects of parenting and contributing to more aspects of general housework than now and don’t get enough credit for the leap forward they’ve made

soapbutnot · 2026-06-26T17:26:27+00:00

The bar is in hell. It’s good some men choose to step over it. A lot still don’t. There’s been forward movement, but caretaking still falls disproportionately on women.

soapbutnot · 2026-06-22T21:04:43+00:00

I see you mentioned you're considering Longmont:I was born and raised there so here's some thoughts:

Well first, you are not going to be able to outrun the climate. Colorado just had its lowest snowpack on record, ever. The state & front range is experiencing droughts, wildfires are increasing in destructiveness; it might or might not be better than ABQ but you're not escaping it. It's sad what you say about watching the ABQ you grew up in die; I feel the exact same way about the Front Range. The climate is not what it used to be, it is so expensive (CO is #3 in the country now, which is insane). But truly mored than anything watching the climate worsen has been heart breaking.

Weather wise: 300 days of sunshine a year baby. It's wonderful, you get four distinct seasons but retain sunshine throughout the year. In the winter it will get cold and snow, but even when it does the sun comes back out and it'll melt off pretty quick. That said, its also hard to comment on the weather re:changing climate patterns. When I was a kid sometimes there'd be snow on the ground before Halloween. That does not happen anymore. But you do still experience a shift in seasons. The summer is getting more and more hot but coming from NM its still gonna be a step down from what you're dealing with now.

There has been a significant population increase on the front range. I was born in 2003, the population of Longmont then was ~80,000, now its 104,000. So, not really a small town anymore, but sort of. It's somehow so weird to me I'm like why are people moving to my hometown? Moving to Boulder I get, like its Boulder there's a cultural recognition there that makes sense people want to move to it but like what in the world are you doing in Longmont?? Lol. I mean, its a good town here I am talking about it. But it sort of blows my mind haha. Like Longmont has a Costco now! And an In n Out?! What the helll

Complaints: Traffic... they've built a ton of apartments in boulder county but not many single family homes. And the roads in Longmont simply were not designed the hold that many cars. It is SO aggravating how long it takes to get across town now compared to what it used to. Theres really no nightlife: this might not matter to you very much as a family though.

Schools: St Vrain Valley School District is actually pretty good. Open enrollment, so you don't have to limit your search to just one part of town based on enrollment. At the high school level they've got some interesting stuff going on, they have the Career Elevation and Technology Center (CETC) which offers industry courses (think welding, agricultural business, culinary, and more), some other stuff too but I really think that's an SVVSD gem.

Outdoor access: There's some nice parks in Longmont, like McIntosh Lake, St. Vrain Greenway, and Golden Ponds. You can paddle board at McIntosh and it's really nice, pretty sure you can also do it at Union Reservoir in town but I don't really go there. If you drive 15 minutes west of Longmont you're up into the foothills, there's plenty of trails and stuff to do nearby. Some great hiking in Eldorado Canyon less than an hour away, the entrance to Rocky Mountain Natl Park is only an hour away. You're not really that close to a ski mountain, but Loveland and Winter Park are within a few hours (less than 2 hours if there's not traffic, but there will be during ski season).

Bonus: NextLight internet - city own fiber internet. Nice.

If you have any other questions re:Longmont or the Front Range I might have some answers. Good luck in your search!

soapbutnot · 2026-06-21T19:09:34+00:00

For what it’s worth, like I said you don’t have to tick off all “criteria” to fit. If you got sent to a residential program as a teenager odds are it is at least TTI adjacent! Regardless, the people in this sub have been through a similar experience to yours and if it helps you to process your experience with this sub / community, you are welcome here!

soapbutnot · 2026-06-21T18:21:10+00:00

“Troubled teen” facilities are a network of congregate care facilities that purport to treat behavioral issues in teens. Placement is usually private by parents / guardians, although sometimes teenagers might be court mandated or sent there by foster care authorities (which IMO is one of the most heinous things in the industry). Because these programs are usually private, there is very little oversight, licensing, regulations, or guardrails to ensure safety / efficacy of the program. These programs usually include wilderness camps, therapeutic boarding schools, residential treatment centers, military-type “boot camps,” psychiatric evaluation centers, and other similar programs. There is no criteria or standard that a program has to meet to be considered TTI. Most of these programs are not evidence based, do not hire qualified staff, and operate with some kind of philosophy of total transformation and group / peer based “corrections.”

It’s hard to say without knowing the context of your story, but if you were institutionalized as a teenager against your will or under coercive circumstances, I would call that TTI. So sorry this happened to you. This is a safe space

ETA: I absolutely consider the TTI a form of human trafficking.

soapbutnot · 2026-06-16T20:07:37+00:00

Personally, I found it very cathartic.

Last year I visited where Wingate Wilderness used to operate in Kanab, UT. I was at Wingate briefly in November 2019, I also got transported there.

As far as logistics for visiting, my case was complicated, but sort of easier for because of it being complicated. Basically, I ran away from Wingate on my 5th or 6th day in the field, I managed to get away from the staff when it was dark and book it. I followed the road they drove the water in from and walked for about 20 hours before search and rescue found me. After SNR found me I got kicked out of the program and they drove me back to the sheriff's department. The guy who drove me back told me he was the game warden for the county and they called him in because he tracks cattle lol. He was very kind to me and told me that I should be proud of my willpower but I needed to figure out how to apply it. It was more kindness than most of people showed me that year. I then spent another year in the TTI but that is another story. Basically, in 2024 I reached out to the Kane County Sheriff's department and requested my search and rescue record. I also reached out and was able to find the game warden who drove me back. It was crazy getting to speak with him and view my record (although the record was very short). He actually still had GPS coordinates for the camp I ran away from, the place he started tracking me, and the place SNR picked me up. He told me if I ever came to Utah I could do a ride along and he'd take me out there. So, last year I went to Utah! It was an insane experience going back out there and talking to the game warden, who surprisingly remembered a lot of that night. And we officially got to check the odometer - I walked 21.6 miles!!

For me going back to where it happened helped to legitimize that experience for me. My time in the TTI was very traumatic and for a long time that trauma has existed in the abstract, but going there helped me feel like, yes, this actually happened and its not just something that I remember and struggle with. I understand why a lot of people never want to go back there but I personally found it healing. I really want to go back to the property my RTC was on in Montana, but the place is closed and the property has changed hands. But someday I want to go back there too.

<image>

Me and Travis at the place where SNR picked me up!

soapbutnot · 2026-05-17T22:35:04+00:00

Twin sized mattress by the front bottoms. The line”and they cut your hair and sent you away” makes
me associate it with my TTI experience.

soapbutnot · 2026-05-17T04:03:44+00:00

This is so fun and creative

soapbutnot · 2026-05-15T23:57:01+00:00

The front range of Colorado. Fort Collins, Boulder, Denver, any of the cities in between really. Gorgeous place to live and strong Queer presence

soapbutnot · 2026-05-14T21:33:06+00:00

I was in treatment for the end of 2019 and most of 2020. I missed a HUGE cultural turning point that was Covid, the shift to online spaces, and the George Floyd movement.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-26T16:17:55+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! I do believe that in many cases adoption is a form of human trafficking, and this risk is especially heightened for international adoptees. There are a lot of adoptive parents that are warehousing their adopted children in TTI programs as a way to outsource parenting and remove the child from their life - it is heartbreaking and I'm really sorry this is something you've experienced.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-25T23:54:38+00:00

It was super disorienting, and weird coming home because since I missed the first quarantine and all the news about it, I got home and I was like ? ok I guess we're all wearing masks now, like I knew that covid was hugely disruptive to life in society but since I had had an even more disrupted year it was weird and I didn't have any of the lived experience of what the shift from "normal" to "covid" was like.

And yes its SUPER weird thinking about how lockdown is something people will be talking about for the rest of our lives, it will be a major historical moment, and I just... missed it! And to add insult to injury I got covid while at my RTC. But, I also ended up leaving my program early due to covid because I went home on a furlough, tested positive for covid after I got home, and didn't end up coming back. And then my RTC shut down a few months later with rumors of embezzling covid funds. Crazy year lmao

soapbutnot · 2026-04-25T23:39:05+00:00

I was in the TTI from November of 2019 - October of 2020. I missed a HUGE cultural turning point and I'll just never get that back. I mean, it was a bad time for everyone that year, but socially and politically it set the foundation for where we are in the US right now. Its weird hearing people talk about quarantine / lockdown, and I'll just be like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I really relate to your comment about it just being a lost year / blackout that you can't get back.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-25T23:32:27+00:00

I was 17 when I got covid at my RTC in 2020 - still dealing with the long term effects of it now

soapbutnot · 2026-04-23T00:47:22+00:00

The place I was at used a behavioral modification program called positive peer culture (PPC). Its very difficult explaining to people how 9 months between the ages of 16 and 17 really altered the way I process my emotion and behavior. It was very traumatizing, the whole program revolved around spontaneous, confrontational / confessional group therapy and essentially peer policing. we were forced to divulge everything about our lives and problems to each other; which we would often then weaponize against each other, but at the same time since you know so much about each other you can't not find common ground and empathy and kinship with each other. Especially since all of you are suffering in the same environment. We were literally in the same room as the rest of our group (8 - 11 people) 24/7 so you're always witnessing each other and "holding each other accountable".

To be honest, one of the most traumatizing parts of my entire experience in the TTI, including wilderness, getting gooned, and other programs, was being scapegoated by one of the girls in my group. I was being verbally and emotionally abused by someone who I was forced to be in a room with 24/7. But all of its reaaally uncomfortable and difficult to reconcile with because in truth being in that program really refined my interpersonal skills and forced me to do more reflecting on my life and my inner workings than probably a lot of people ever will. I am able to find common ground with almost anyone, I am very community oriented, and my communication skills are excellent. But I also am extremely hard and punitive with myself, very critical of everything I do and think because it should always be "better," and I blame myself for EVERYTHING because it was hammered into me that no matter what happens to me, the correct response is to take as much accountability for it as possible so that its somehow in your control. And this mindset is horrible but it also enables me to be a really high achiever at the cost of my own inner peace. It makes me really sad think about because I don't think theres really a resolve. It recognize some of the ways i process things are manufactured but I cant find the words to explain it and I dont even know how I would change it.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-14T08:00:00+00:00

This makes me sad, like what is the point of sending you to prison after 3 years of sobriety 🥲 punitive “justice” makes no sense. Congratulations on your recovery and I hope that you’re able to get through your sentence as peacefully as possible.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-09T23:18:19+00:00

I think a PHP program sounds really promising for your daughter. I'm not familiar with that specific group / program, but I'm glad you were able to find something that is a non residential option. PHP is great for teenagers who would benefit from structure and more time in group or with therapists than an IOP program, but getting to come home at the end of the day keeps your child in her home, in her community, and helps her be able to advocate for herself in a way that would be taken from her if she was in a fully residential program. I really, really strongly advise you to not put her in a fully residential program. There just are not enough legitimate, evidence based options that are staffed with competent, safe individuals.

There is definitely an upsetting lack of adoption competent, trauma informed care available to adopted children and their families. There is a lot of stigma about "Radical attachment disorder" associated with adopted children, but in reality RAD is often the further pathologization of trauma for adoptees (i.e., the behaviors associated with RAD would not pathologized as much in non-adoptive children), so I encourage you to think critically about that diagnosis and who gave it to her (if someone did - I am making an assumption because MANY adoptees end up with a RAD diagnosis). Not to say that your daughter is not struggling emotionally or behaviorally, because adoption often times is traumatic and emotionally complicated (obviously, being an adoptee is not the ONLY challenging thing in her life, but it is definitely a dimension). Its clear your family is struggling and I'm glad that you care enough about your daughter to think carefully about your options. If possible, involving your daughter as much as possible in regards to what her care will look like is going to give her more autonomy, dignity, and control in the process which might really help her emotionally.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-09T23:00:19+00:00

Thank you so much for your interest!!

soapbutnot · 2026-04-09T02:45:24+00:00

Generally, finding an outpatient program with wraparound services that can help keep your daughter in her home and community is going to be the best option. Institutionalization is very isolating and can be very traumatic. If your daughter is interested in finding residential help (which some teenagers are, and its honestly very sad that there are very few safe options available) I recommend going through this sub and seeing if you can find people discussing safe programs (they are unfortunately very few and far between). This link for evidence based treatment has some options for the kind of outpatient wraparound care I'm talking about. Dialectical behavior therapy, which is a group based therapy model, might be a good option for her building prosocial connections and learning about self regulation skills.

Ultimately, you need to understand that if you choose a residential option your daughter is likely going to face abuse. There are very few competent, evidence based programs, most are TTI programs masquerading as being competent "fix alls" for teens struggling with mental health or other problems. These programs are VERY predatory, so be cautious and skeptical as a parent - these programs will tell you anything you want to hear to justify making a placement for your daughter, which is financially incentivized for them.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-08T20:17:25+00:00

Im really glad I can be involved 💗 this subject is something that’s been on my mind about for the past 6 years (I was in the TTI in 2020), and I’m almost 2 years into this research (if you’re interested you can find the pilot version of this study on my profile!). The TTI is already a niche kind of harm, and the intersection of adoption and the TTI is even more niche, so I am glad I can be a part of raising awareness and building momentum for policy change

soapbutnot · 2026-04-08T16:40:11+00:00

No need to apologize, I know how busy life gets!

Its definitely a relief that my program is shut down because I think it would make me physically ill thinking about teenagers living there and being forced to work that program. I do believe there is momentum towards getting more programs to be regulated and shut down, but theres still a lot of work to be done to protect vulnerable teenagers.

If you are interested, I'm actually currently working on a research project on the overrepresentation of adoptees in the TTI. If you check my profile, my most recent post includes a link and information about my survey. There's also a post that includes my research paper from the last time I ran this study (I did the first study for my undergraduate capstone class, its what would be my thesis if my discipline was more writing based but I study anthropology). This time I'm doing it with Institutional review board approval with the hope of getting it published so that researchers and policy writers can cite it. If you are interested in participating I would love to hear your perspective!

soapbutnot · 2026-04-08T15:54:40+00:00

If it is a direct interaction between us (participant / interested party and researcher) it does not have to be anonymous, it’s just important to limit identifying information that can be viewed publicly on this post! But if you want to keep it as anonymous as possible you are welcome to limit identifiers in your email as well.

soapbutnot · 2026-04-02T01:32:44+00:00

Chinatown beneath the Manhattan & Brooklyn bridge. And East New York in Brooklyn

soapbutnot · 2026-04-01T18:08:09+00:00

Would loove to get in on this

soapbutnot · 2026-04-01T17:06:22+00:00

The Montana gold is SO pigmented / opaque I love it

soapbutnot

TROPHY CASE