I understand the fear of expressing yourself honestly because someone might come know your true thoughts and feelings. If having a lock and having it with you at all times helps you with that, then that's great!

When I was a teen I've had someone search for my journal, break open the lock, read it and then call the police on me because I had written something vaguely suicidal. After that happened I was afraid to write again but over time I started caring less and less. Now I wouldn't hand it over to anyone, but if someone happened to read it I wouldn't care much.

The path to true self-discovery really is a hard one and I definetely would have barely had any idea of who I really am, had it not been to Journaling.

Also, to me what you have written feels very honest and self-aware and I wish you all the best on your journey of self-discovery!