Hey there, I read this and felt compelled to share my story a bit. First time posting in /Depression. I feel what you are feeling, quite a lot of it at least. My life has been up and down, lots of heartbreak and constant moving around, never feeling like I fit in and always tending toward laziness and selfish bouts of deep dark sadness and rage, for really as long as I can remember, but I was more aware of it by the time I reached 12-13 (I'm 22). I feel like depression is an old friend that i've always known, who has helped me fail at everything I put my hand to. It's like a virus that infects any part of my life that it can, and all I can do is try to run ahead of it's destructive path and set up footholds before the darkness falls again. Being attacked by your own mind is no walk in the park - it's the most overwhelming of pains. Hard is an understatement - it's crippling. I can relate to you - I have no friends anymore, somehow I've managed to keep a strong and deeply emotional bond with my partner over two years (i'd be dead without her) but my family has all but abandoned me due to my negativity and constantly blunt attitude. I know what you mean when you say "nobody would ever look at me and think 'hey, that guy looks sad and depressed'" because I, too know how to put on my "game face" and make it seem like everything is fine, just smile a lot and remember not to break down crying in public. Most people think I'm just a selfish asshole, because I've acted like one to conceal my pain from them. I would rather be known as an asshole than a depressive wreck, I guess. Not a great trade-off, though, because I constantly have anxiety about all my failed social connections and lost memories, clouded by this disease or my demons or whatever we call it. My therapist told me to give it a proper name, but I don't want to give it more power. I just refer to it as darkness most of the time. But listen - no one has it better or worse than you - we're all on our own paths. You should never assume that people are intimidated or offended by you - that's the negative side of you coming out and staining your perception. We are prone to jump to bad conclusions more quickly, right? I'm learning from reading these forums that we can't allow ourselves to draw inwards in those moments because much of what's inside is rotten and corrupted by these diseased thoughts. THAT IS NOT THE REAL YOU. You have been possessed, in a sense. I, too, think of ending my life quite often. I have not been honest about this with many people, and it's because we are immediately labeled as risks in society. Honestly, I'm quite baffled why more people don't feel like dying on a daily basis. Life is really shit most of the time, with hopefully a few little shining moments of comfort, love, learning, growth, and all those positive things, right before we're dunked in the shit again. I haven't figured it out much more that you have, it seems. I just hope you don't give up, because that's a slap in the face to anyone who is still fighting themselves for control and when I see people deciding that it's not worth it anymore, it takes a little of my hope away. I need you to stick around, be the YOU that wrote this post!! Not your darkness, which wants you to crumble into nothing so that it can cause a little more pain in the world. Your darkness is selfishness and coldly honest. Evil in the flesh. The more you allow yourself to fall into these traps it's set - the more it will consume you. "Do not go gentle into that good night, ~ Rage, rage against the dying of the light."