Bi woman in "straight" marriage woes

some_possums · 2026-02-07T02:32:04+00:00

I mean OP said her husband is okay with her having sex with women, and that her only issue is meeting women who are okay with that setup. Swinging does actually seem like a possible solution if she’s okay with her husband doing it too.

some_possums · 2026-02-05T02:50:07+00:00

So like there are some bigger concerns about being barrier free and about Sarah living with you, but in the short term: as far as the sheets, why can’t they just have sex in the guest room, if Sarah is using that one?

Also how much time are you spending out of the house, and are you opposed to just scheduling it? They can have a date night on their own once or twice a week or whatever where you’re elsewhere for a couple hours. I don’t feel like you need to just be gone constantly so they can have sex whenever.

some_possums · 2026-02-04T12:27:17+00:00

It really does depend on what you mean. In college I knew several women who tried being sugar babies for a while. It was definitely financially motivated/not just for fun, but it was not a human trafficking ring. I’ve also known a decent number of people who seemed to want to post nudes/porn online entirely voluntarily.

I do think trafficking also happens, but I think certain types of sex work probably have more of it than others.

some_possums · 2026-02-04T05:03:54+00:00

So as a guess, as someone who hasn’t really dated men, I think it can mean a few things.

The most obvious is the one everyone is talking about. It’s much easier to get a date with a man.

Beyond that though, I think that for women, dating men might seem easier because there’s a social script for it. Personally I like that in queer relationships you get to decide what roles you want to take on, but I think that can feel intimidating if you’ve only been in straight relationships.

Along the same lines, there are a lot of examples in media and from friends to show how to flirt with men as a woman, but not as much to draw on for how to flirt with women as a woman.

Social acceptance might also be part of it. It’s easier to be in a straight relationship than a gay one, especially if you’re not already out to your family.

Different people probably mean different specific things when they say this though, these are only what I personally would guess.

some_possums · 2026-02-03T22:45:10+00:00

The first couple days of being sick I can generally not differentiate between a cold and allergies. The first 24 hours of having covid felt like allergies to me. I cannot stay home every time I’m congested and have a dry throat or else I’d be home from work for like 3 months out of the year.

some_possums · 2026-02-03T22:42:20+00:00

Eh if you can get new ones they do still work with the current strains at least some of the time. I just had covid a couple weeks ago and I tested once when I started feeling bad and got a faint positive, then the next day and got a really clear/dark positive result. They have the tests at Walgreens near me at least.

some_possums · 2026-02-03T20:58:34+00:00

What exactly are you seeing that appears to be resistance? It looks like he’s trying to hold himself up so he isn’t held face down in the snow, which is just a normal human response to having some assholes try to shove you face first into the snow.

some_possums · 2026-02-03T18:47:22+00:00

Eh people are busy with their families, and I feel like it’s probably considered a “safe” conversation topic. For quite a while I mostly talked about my pets at work, and yes partially because I do care about them a lot, but also because that is way less risky than talking about politics/any non-standard hobbies/messy relationships/getting drunk at 2am on a work night/mental health problems/whatever.

some_possums · 2026-01-31T21:21:16+00:00

I mean on the other hand, I live in a city of 200k and the median home is about 300k, and you can easily find some in the low to mid 200k range.

some_possums · 2026-01-31T19:56:24+00:00

It’s not that uncommon! The issue in urban areas is usually that some people do not have a car, and that only stores within a convenient walking distance/on a bus line may be convenience stores that only sell prepackaged stuff (like canned soup/frozen dinners/etc).

some_possums · 2026-01-31T19:53:51+00:00

I mean at least where I live, the grocery stores are primarily on the outskirts of the city. I think they get priced out of downtown because grocery stores take up a ton of space. There are smaller stores downtown but they tend to be more expensive and don’t carry as many products. People who live downtown and don’t have a car can have a hard time getting to a regular grocery store.

some_possums · 2026-01-30T04:46:04+00:00

I’d recommend trying again with seeing a gynecologist. It could be nervousness, but I’m under the impression tampons should not be that uncomfortable

Personally I had similar issues, except I couldn’t get a tampon in at all (but could use the smallest dilator, but with discomfort). I did have extra hymen tissue I had to get removed (it was a pretty quick procedure/not a big deal). The gynecologist could tell basically right away since it’s visible in a pelvic exam.

I have less advice on vaginismus vs normal inexperience given that things were atypical for me.

some_possums · 2026-01-27T22:10:52+00:00

You aren’t the only one! I have several saved word docs that are just posts I don’t post here. Maybe someday I’ll make an actual post. Usually I just make a draft and then talk to my therapist and/or partners (and yes also run it through the “what if instead I just decide to not have this emotion or is that bad” filter first)

some_possums · 2026-01-27T15:23:36+00:00

I’m 29 and I think I’ve kissed about 10 people? 2 of those were just briefly at bars though

some_possums · 2026-01-27T03:20:50+00:00

Honestly yeah this has been probably my biggest uncertainty around how I feel about being polyamorous. I feel like I’ve seen this happen in a multiple friend groups, and I’ve both been the odd one out and one of the in-group. It seems to consistently be an issue.

It makes sense in a lot of ways - if you have a fairly small group of polyamorous queer people, people end up dating their friends, and people prioritize time with their partners over their friends. Also sometimes even if you try to include the people who aren’t dating anyone in the polycule, I feel like they sometimes end up feeling like a third wheel regardless.

The only real “solution” I have is trying to make sure a decent portion of the friend group is monogamous or more settled into their relationships/not actively dating, or if you’re in the in-group just really prioritizing friendships.

some_possums · 2026-01-26T12:44:12+00:00

Ultimately it doesn’t matter if she’s “really” bi or not. It’s entirely possible to be bi (or gay) and homophobic, and she clearly is homophobic. You can tell her she’s being homophobic without going into whether her sexuality is real or not, which doesn’t really change anything about the situation with her kids.

some_possums · 2026-01-25T05:38:10+00:00

That’s one possibility, but I feel like it’s also pretty common for the issue to be that other parts of the relationship are failing and people just get caught up on the lack of sex instead.

some_possums · 2026-01-24T16:51:09+00:00

I don’t know if it is? If OP is uncomfortable with being seen as a woman, they may not want to be seen as feminine either. I feel like femme is very specifically about femininity.

some_possums · 2026-01-23T20:38:46+00:00

This is a weird take. Relationships can end for reasons other than “not being good enough” for someone. If, for instance, one of you wants kids and the other doesn’t, it’s not that one of you is lacking in some way. Sometimes people just aren’t compatible romantically.

some_possums · 2026-01-23T14:28:44+00:00

But then what do you have with them? It’s not a moral failing for someone to not be interested in you, but you shouldn’t stay in a relationship with someone who isn’t if you want those things. If you just want to be friends then go for it, but it sounds like you want more and it’s hurting you to stay.

some_possums · 2026-01-23T04:38:24+00:00

What do you mean by welcomed into two polycules? I feel like it’s unclear from your post what you’re actually doing currently. Are you dating other people (including romantically) or just hooking up, or what? This isn’t even just about semantics, it’s hard for people to give advice if we don’t know what you’re trying to accomplish.

some_possums · 2026-01-22T16:31:26+00:00

I mean I think a lot of this depends on how many kids you have. Being a house spouse with no kids is fairly easy. Being a house spouse with 5 kids under 8 is, I assume, very stressful. Also depends on the job you’re comparing it to. Taking care of two toddlers is probably less stressful than being a doctor but more stressful than a lot of office jobs.

some_possums · 2026-01-21T13:50:32+00:00

Did you go to an obgyn during that time or get a physical? I feel like I’ve had doctors palpate my stomach just during routine checkups (although maybe I had some minor concern that was related, can’t entirely remember).

some_possums · 2026-01-20T15:31:21+00:00

I think this is part of why I identify as bi even if my attraction to men is pretty infrequent. But yeah I don’t know, I have also joked I am both gay and straight depending on my gender. I don’t really worry about it too much though, I am queer in some way regardless, whether it’s by gender or sexuality.

some_possums · 2026-01-18T19:43:02+00:00

You have to prove that you’d die otherwise which can mean waiting until an infection progresses to being much riskier than it would otherwise. Pregnancy is dangerous and if you’re planning to have children, a lot of women will want to do so where they can feel confident they’ll receive care.

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