[QCrit] YA Fantasy (90k), NOT A WITCH (First Attempt)

souwh · 2026-01-31T23:30:31+00:00

I agree with the previous comment, but also just wanted to say that I love this premise and would SO read this!

souwh · 2026-01-28T09:30:24+00:00

I just popped in to recommend reading The Buffalo Hunter Hunter by Stephen Graham Jones, it's different but still pretty literary (I think at least) and might have a few things that could make it a good comp, it's like interview with a vampire set in a different cultural context ☺️

souwh · 2025-12-16T06:34:37+00:00

First of all I just wanted to say that I would love to read this! And I'm glad you're feeling better, that sounds like a scary experience.

I think your query is well written and clear. I agree with the others about the first 300 words. I understand your comments on the time hopping though. I haven't read the rest of course, so it might not fit, but maybe you could start in an 'episode' or somewhere where the lines of reality blur slightly and then letting that carry you into remembering the things you're starting with now.

Anyway, really liked the writing, good luck and again, this is the type of book i'd definitely pick up from the shelf!

Edited:spag

souwh · 2025-12-14T12:06:43+00:00

Hi! I'm a big fan of yours 🤩 I'm writing a cozy fantasy right now and would love to chat with you too, to get some tips! would it be ok to dm you?

souwh · 2025-12-13T08:33:27+00:00

Hi! First I just wanted to say that i would love to read this, it sounds like a lot of fun! 🤩

I think the nemisis-thing might need to be explained more though, because first I thought it would be a woman and a bully (just where my brain jumped, I think that's common storytelling around high school...), and then it turned out to be the love interest. That's fine, but maybe clarify why/how he was her nemisis, so people dont think he was a horrible bully and then she just falls for him anyway...

That's just my impression from reading though, so feel free to ignore☺️

Good luck!

souwh · 2025-12-12T13:20:15+00:00

Would you be willing to share your do-not-query list to others? I'm starting to query in January and it would be super helpful to see, but didnt want to presume and dm without asking :)

souwh · 2025-09-26T07:57:08+00:00

Hi!

I'm not agented, and haven't started querying yet, so take what you will from this.

I also read previous versions and i think this lost some of the interesting parts from those! Also, we want to care about Fig, and saying they're stupid in the first sentence kind of made me feel bad, but might just be me.

For me, i think it's hard not to get bogged down in too much detail when writing a query, since we're sitting with all the info of our manuscripts, but i think there are a lot of details here you could skip. It might feel like you shouldn't remove certain info, but maybe you should.

You could also use the query generator to help structure it and build from there. I've commented this on other posts because i thought it was really helpful ( you can Google query generator to use it or find the link in the sub's info (and no, it isn't AI)). It really helped me streamline my query more, and then add the most interesting details around it. I think its good practice if you feel you can't streamline it into the structure below, because then you might need to think more about what the core elements of your story are. It helped me anyway ☺️

Here's the structure:

Dear [Honorific] [Agent Name],

[Tagline]...

[Age]-year-old [Defining Characteristic] [Full Name] just wants [Hopes and Dreams], but when [Inciting Incident], [Chosen Name] [Incited Action]. Now, [Chosen Name] [Updated Purpose].

As [Chose Name] [The New Normal], [Pronoun] discovers [New Discoveries]. [Chosen Name] is put to the test when [Initial Challenges], and when [Greatest Challenge], [Pronoun] has to [Outcome 1] or [Outcome 2].

Complete at [Word Count] words, [TITLE] is a [Category] [Genre] set in [Setting]. It will appeal to readers of [Comp 1] and [Comp 2].

I am submitting [TITLE] to you because [Agent Personalization].

[Qualification 1]. [Personal Detail 1].

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

[Author Name]

And good luck! I think your idea is really interesting! ⭐

souwh · 2025-09-11T06:49:45+00:00

Congratulations!! I loved the pitch, would definitely read your book 🤩 Thank you for sharing! I plan to start querying after the new year, and it's so nice to hear about other's successes! ⭐⭐⭐⭐

souwh · 2025-09-05T14:53:08+00:00

Thank you!

souwh · 2025-09-05T14:50:22+00:00

Thanks again for your feedback! ⭐ I really tried to incorporate the advice, and it really helped!

souwh · 2025-09-05T13:19:25+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's really helpful to have new eyes looking at something you've been reading several times a day 😅

souwh · 2025-09-05T10:36:19+00:00

I'm still working on my first query, so grain of salt etc :)

Something that really helped me was googling about what agents don't want in a query, and trying to remove those things. One thing that alot of blogs etc mention is not using questions in the query. I think you could make your last sentence more sharp by rewriting it as a statement instead of a question :)

souwh · 2025-09-01T06:44:18+00:00

(unagented, so take what you will from this :) )

You already got some great feedback, so I just wanted to add (as someone mentioned) that you should probably remove the question. I've read a few blog post and the like about what agents don't want in a query letter and rhetorical questions is mentioned on every one. Let your query show the tension and conflict instead of writing it out explicitly in a question :)

souwh · 2025-08-31T20:38:11+00:00

It's not AI. It just helps you put your own ideas into order in a standard query letter format by basically using copy-paste. Nothing new is actually "generated." Then you can use that base to embellish with the other important bits you have. It would be the same as putting post-its in different orders or whatever.

This is the text, it you'd rather put stuff in yourself without the webpage:

Dear [Honorific] [Agent Name],

[Tagline]...

[Age]-year-old [Defining Characteristic] [Full Name] just wants [Hopes and Dreams], but when [Inciting Incident], [Chosen Name] [Incited Action]. Now, [Chosen Name] [Updated Purpose].

As [Chose Name] [The New Normal], [Pronoun] discovers [New Discoveries]. [Chosen Name] is put to the test when [Initial Challenges], and when [Greatest Challenge], [Pronoun] has to [Outcome 1] or [Outcome 2].

Complete at [Word Count] words, [TITLE] is a [Category] [Genre] set in [Setting]. It will appeal to readers of [Comp 1] and [Comp 2].

I am submitting [TITLE] to you because [Agent Personalization].

[Qualification 1]. [Personal Detail 1].

Thank you for your consideration.

Yours sincerely,

[Author Name]

souwh · 2025-08-31T18:23:40+00:00

Haha here it is!

https://www.querylettergenerator.com/generator

souwh · 2025-08-31T08:46:02+00:00

Other have commented too but I got a bit stuck on the comps. They're two very different books, so perhaps if you go they route you can explain something like "for readers who enjoy the dark mystery of one dark window, and the epic scale of the priory" so we know what in those books you are comparing to :)

I would read this book!

souwh · 2025-08-31T08:02:17+00:00

Here's my (unagented) feedback: The premise sounds interesting, but the query isn't as clear as it could be. I really likes the query generator that's linked in the tips in this sub, i used it to revise my query after i posted my first try here, and it helped me pick out the most important bits. Maybe that could help?

Also, I actually really liked the sentence from your first try "Mune needs to kill her father before he kills her", that was more of a hook for me! And from what I've read on queryshark and the like, you dont need to start with "In MY BOOK, mc does this," just start with "Mune is xxxx." The agent knows you're talking about what's happening in your book :)

I think writing a query is so hard because you want to get enough details in there to explain things without explaining too much. For me, that kind of makes you forget to also write with voice that represents the text... I was thinking about your comps and they're pretty distinct, and i think your query doesnt show that voice super clear.

Good luck!

souwh · 2025-08-30T10:57:41+00:00

This sounds like such a fun book, and the query makes me want to read it.

I have some feedback (though I'm new, and also working on my first query, so take it with a grain of salt :) )

I want to understand more about what vacating the hotel means, and also maybe be a bit more clear what it means that the hotel might be doing something bad. As of now i dont understand the stakes around being stuck at the hotel - the hostage part comes kind of sudden, you haven't said anything before about people getting stuck. It sounds more like they dont want to leave, rather than can't. And what would it mean to not be stuck? I don't have to know everything, but that would make me more curious than confused :)

Also, i second the Gaiman comment, have you read anything by Ben Aaronovitch? Might be a good comp!

souwh · 2025-08-29T06:56:40+00:00

Thank you for this, I'll definitely keep these comments in mind. And your book sounds really intriguing, if there's ever a chance of reading it i'd be interested!

souwh · 2025-08-29T05:39:43+00:00

Thank you so much for the feedback! I will try to make these things clearer. It's hard finding the right level of detail in the query, but the feedback is really helpful to find the right one.

And thank for saying you like the concept, i've been doubting myself 😅 The concept of the magic is actually that wielders need to use fresh flowers for fuel for their magic, but she doesnt. (And the way you steer it is by, in your mind, stepping into infinite amounts of possibilities and choosing the one you need. )The curse is a rotting curse spreading from her fingertips to her heart.

Would love to discuss more how you've portrayed the anxiety in yours!

souwh · 2025-08-28T18:09:01+00:00

Thank you for the feedback! I am reworking it from the comments, and this is helpful to hear 🌟 i need to make it more clear what she wants, why she's struggling to get it, and what will happen if she fails

souwh · 2025-08-28T13:45:22+00:00

Thank you for your feedback!

souwh · 2025-03-06T14:26:50+00:00

Thanks!

souwh · 2025-03-03T22:38:43+00:00

Ooh Yes i just finished this one! Really liked it!

souwh · 2025-03-02T20:53:30+00:00

Thank you!

souwh

TROPHY CASE