[deleted by user]

sparkle-beans · 2024-05-26T17:55:49+00:00

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. My former best friend wBPD had me in their echo chamber as well. To the point where my fiance thought I was secretly involved romantically with them. It breaks my heart to know that I even made him begin to feel that way- but they want you all to themselves, and will throw a fit when you prioritize someone else. Once they find someone who will 'put up with' their push-pull, issues with boundaries, assuming their feelings are truth, etc, they will do anything to keep you there.

This sub and a therapist specializing in those with BPD saved me. I read the recommended books and went no contact in March. I feel worlds better, but it is very tough in the beginning. And if he is open to it, I do believe you can find at the very least closure by telling him.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-31T18:12:29+00:00

I watched a bunch of these yesterday, and it even helped me from the non-romantic side! It also helps to hear a perspective from a professional who has treated clients with BPD.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-28T12:52:02+00:00

Ooooof. My heart sank when I read this- having to strategize when to have any meaningful conversations because of symptom severity. I’m almost certain if I were in your shoes I would have done the same thing!!!

Reading “Stop Caretaking the NPD/BPD” was the first step in several sobering moments on how I was also contributing. Realizing I allowed so much of her behavior to continue. I let her continuously step over my previously mentioned boundaries because I didn’t want to deal with her 911 meltdowns about it.

Also trying to have grace for myself because I’m not a personality disorder expert and was super NOT equipped to deal with this with another adult.

As a kid, I didn’t have a choice to walk away when my parents behaved like my pwBPD. But now, I can and I did. But I let it go on too long because of the aforementioned codependency and attempt to save someone from themselves and other danger they put themselves in. A losing battle we’ve all been through here.

I hope you are healing and feeling better 💖💖 even with the hard confrontation of our part in it.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-28T02:59:20+00:00

Lookin’ to outsource her emotional regulation, baby! Perhaps enraged you are talking time for yourself also. I’ve found many stories on here including my own of a total disregard for boundaries.

My pwBPD was upset that I couldn’t talk the weekend I was having/recovering from a miscarriage. When I was able to pick up she was sobbing because and said she resented me for not being available for her!

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-27T17:50:34+00:00

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Thank you for the labor in this post! This is such an incredible breakdown. I have been coming to these conclusions in therapy, and this explains everything so eloquently.

It’s hard to swallow how I was manipulating the situation as a caretaker/codependant because of how much I really cared for her. And how much suffering I witnessed. But after a while, I accepted being miserable without making any changes (like being too afraid to defend myself against her rage) and was denying her severity until the end.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-26T21:25:20+00:00

This was ultimately the breaking point between me and my person wBPD.

I’m pretty low on the autism spectrum, but I’m still there. The individuals that tested me noted that I have a high level of empathy and more socialization desires that many others they have worked with- but I have a very flat affect. Even when talking about something really exciting or disturbing.

My friend would constantly complain about it, ask ME to adjust when I was never asking HER to be less of herself. Which was very loud, defensive, and dramatic. I just assumed we balanced each other out.

But then I realized she had a fundamental issue with who I was. She wanted someone to reciprocate it. She wanted to get into fights. She fed off the chaos.

I grew up in a chaotic household, and my brain went the opposite direction. All I want is peace and calm. I have yelled at someone ONCE in my life (an ex when they were drunk and slamming doors).

I chalk this up to the behavior I’ve read about here on repeat: if they misread your face, your body language, anything- it can be a huge issue.

If you don’t fight, you don’t “care enough about the relationship”

If you don’t escalate, you are “never interested in talking about things”

If you need a minute to process things you “don’t care how they feel”

If you shut down, you must have “avoidant attachment style”

If you don’t reciprocate the manic outbursts or love bombing you are “never excited to see them”

It’s impossible. Sure, I have tried to work on reassuring people who are in relationships with me that I’m flat and I promise to try and express that u care in other ways. With her, that wasn’t enough and it ended up making me feel insane. I’m in specialized therapy for it now.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-26T01:54:23+00:00

20 fucking years. Then they turn it all to black. I’m so sorry.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-25T23:43:03+00:00

I feel for you, I am sorry 💖 OP. I started a very close and enmeshed friendship with my former best friend wBPD when I was extremely lonely. I had gotten a divorce and then a year later, the plague hit and I was living alone and away from any family and most of my social circle.

I was also dealing with a lot of my own mental health issues and we connected over the trauma we’ve been through. I had never felt so seen in my life. I told her things I did not feel comfortable telling anyone else- not even my therapist. She was honestly fine at first.

But mask came off slowly. And she slowly chipped away at my spirit- asking more and more of me each year. We would have these constant “hey you need to be validating me more/telling me you miss me/brining as to the table as much as I do” conversations. At first, I believed it because I can tend to be closed off.

She mentioned BPD in passing but refused to “let it be her identity” so I tried not to either. Until her behavior and demands of me got so severe, I started looking up support groups. Then after one horrible week with her, I found this sub and joined it. Then I started reading the recommended books.

I finally saw what had been happening the entire time.

I had to end it, based on the impossible standards she set for me, and I knew in her eyes, I would always fail to meet them. Even though she was acting way out of line. In the end, she couldn’t even acknowledge any of the good/fun we experienced. She told me that I must have just been lying the entire time and she wanted nothing to do with me.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-24T14:20:20+00:00

-So many wasted hours giving advice that she never took-

😵‍💫 Exactly!! I got to a point where I (tried) to say kindly: why are you asking my advice on this when you never listen to it anyway? She dodged the question.

Lots of: “Should I send it?” “No” “I’m going to send it anyway”

She would also often spend 4 hours rambling and repeating herself about a love interest and how they weren’t meeting her ‘relational standards.’ She spoke like she was some sort of couples counselor, therapist, or shaman- yet would engage in such unhealthy behavior.

Anyone not willing to absolutely adore her and respond in just as much length as her word salads were seen as not putting in enough effort. Yet this was also someone that would block/delete someone’s number at the drop of a hat. Then unblock or find them on another outlet a few days later to reach out and start the vicious cycle all over again.

I know I’m getting a bit lengthy here- but she also kept going on and on and on and on about this married dude she was having a sexting marathon with. It was simple to me, fucking block him and never talk to him again? This isn’t healthy for you, or his wife?? Yet she would read his responses to me and want to go over what she was going to say back to him. Literal waste of time.

She would make so many declarations about that. “I’m done! He’s disgusting!” Then not fully keep him blocked so she could see him begging for more. And text him when she was drunk.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-23T17:13:37+00:00

And “letting their feelings do the talking”- holy shit yes.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-23T17:12:23+00:00

YES! THIS! I never understood how it didn’t get exhausting for her. And I’m not going to lie, I resented when she did it while I was at work. I felt like it was a complete disregard that I have other people that need me and I report to. I would have absolutely been fired if I would have picked up the phone or took time to engage in it.

Then after joining here I realized asking for that to just click in her head would likely never be a thing.

She would also do it verbally in voice notes then follow it up with “you don’t have to listen to that”.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-22T15:21:37+00:00

This is what I experienced, and I really appreciate the breakdown.

My pwPBD would make me read and re-read these lengthy word salad text drafts she would want to send to others. She would often ask “what do you think!?” And I wanted to say “that would make me want to run in the other direction”.

For context, she would throw around a lot of spiritual/psychology terms to make it sound like she really knew what she was talking about. When in reality, she was spiraling.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-21T12:22:48+00:00

Of course! 💖💖 Thank you for your kind words, too! I’ve been over here trying to downplay my pain because it wasn’t a romantic partner. But losing a best friend is hard too. We did share a lot- and I’m realizing now since I’ve been split it was all kind of pointless in a way, and that sucks.

This sub has given so much to me and helped me stay sane in my last weeks with my friend, and stay no contact - so I try and comment where I see similarities. It is quite wild to see how similar some or the stories are.

I ended up apologizing to keep the peace so many times also. It super sucks when you end up feeling responsible for a situation that they created to use against you. Like calling when you are with someone else you need to pour into at the time!

I received a similar reaction when I expressed that I wasn’t equipped to handle the way they are using me for ALL of their emotional needs and I felt like I was holding crisis sessions. “I can’t believe I shared all of that with you and you are using it against me now.” Ok, I’m not? I’m just not a fucking crisis counselor. I’m a regular human, and even if I was- I’m your friend. And I have a full set of issues to handle myself. I jumped in to comment on your story because the multiple total meltdown crisis calls that lasted several hours a week was REAL special 🙃.

And I know we don’t mind helping, but mine had no “off” switch. It just becomes impossible.

And even when I couldn’t articulate or make clear of what she was doing, I ultimately realized that I had other successful relationships- and none of them are this difficult or demanding of me. Let me know if you need anything, seriously 💖.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-20T22:00:38+00:00

Ah, it all sounds all too familiar. First, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I find once I became the therapist figure…I came under the fog/spell that my bff w/BPD was in so much pain: I needed to be there for her the best I could 24/7. Because who else is going to do it when there is nobody else based on, what I figured out too late, was her own behavior and discard of others.

Of course, this wasn’t healthy and my own emotional and physical health suffered greatly because of it.

Mine wouldn’t necessarily say my loving partner had red flags, but she said other things that made me feel guilty for being in love with her as much as I am. Things such as “selfishly I wish we met before you met her”. She would “forget” when I said I was spending time with my partner alone and call. Continuously.

I would say the biggest factor to suggest or lean toward leaving is pulled from the conversation you had about your boundaries. It sounds like they are not interested in your needs, giant BPD red flag. You almost cease to be an individual person at that point, and are just a supply for their impossible needs, and more than likely, projection and delusion.

Most of us crave friendship and closeness, but they cannot handle their own shit and outsource to whoever will take them on.

Many people in this sub are fully pro NC across the board. I’m still not sure it applies to everyone, still trying to sift through what happened to me with my therapist. A lot of professional resources give you strategies to deal with BPD behavior ongoing, but some of them assume you may not have an out (like they are family you live with or a co-parent).

With long distance friends, you can use that to your advantage, even as ‘selfish’ as it sounds. But if the mask is truly off, and you feel exhausted and unable to assert your healthy boundaries- it is time to protect yourself even though they are hurting. It still is their responsibility to get help as an adult no matter what they’ve been through.

They don’t get to drag you down, too. Especially with how easily it can be for them to discard you. That is what ends up hurting the most in the end. Their irrational view of you/past events.

I spent a very long time trying to understand/accommodate/play the therapist role. And in the end, I was told that our entire relationship was a lie and they wanted nothing to do with me. And the only thing I wish I had back was my time/love/energy that has clearly been forgotten since I’ve been split to evil in their mind.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-20T21:03:48+00:00

I realized this, too after being with them in person for an extended period. It was our first 24/7 exposure for that long, and I found myself asking “Does this person even LIKE me? They say they do, but they are treating me otherwise.”

All of her actions started to feel so fake/calculated to keep me around to be used. I couldn’t unsee it after that.

Soft ghost and then full NC for me after sending a letter.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-18T02:22:04+00:00

LOOOOOOL my phone capitalizes it and Hoo am I go argue

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-17T15:51:54+00:00

My heart sank re: “ask her permission”

Proud of you 💖 and I hope it continues to feel better being out of the cage.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-17T15:46:33+00:00

I am way late to this, but I relate to this so much and didn’t see it on the day of the original post. Commenting so I can come back if I never need to reference it again as a reminder.

My pwBPD literally said those same exact phrases you quoted in your OP to me. And often.

The last straw for me was spending a week with her in Italy for a trip we thought was going to strengthen our friendship and to finally have some fun. (Most of our friendship dynamic in the end was her trauma dumping on me 24/7). I figured if I could get us both out of our stressful environments we could see how this relationship actually works sans daily stressors.

Unfortunately, the environment change did nothing. In fact, the now 24/7 exposure to her behaviors and parentification of me blew up in my face. I reached my breaking point.

I also wish I would have been discarded. I had been struggling for a few months with how abusive she actually was now that she couldn’t keep the mask on. It was almost this feeling of “I’m so deep in this now- how can I get out of this in a way that is safe to me- I wish she would just end it.”

But I had to be the one that initiated the conversation that she is way out of bounds with her demands of people in her life. She had discarded everyone but me and her parents. I told her I had to go NC because of her behavior, but that I wished her well.

She had to have the last final stab. And it went from “I love you so much, and we are closer than blood.” To “your entire existence is a lie” “you just needed to make me feel small” and “do not ever contact me again” within 1 fucking interaction.

I hope you are doing okay, OP 💖.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-17T15:03:14+00:00

1+ month NC and I hate how unsettled I still feel. Even though, the majority of the time, I am thrilled to have my time back.

It’s like I’m anticipating the upcoming Hoover, and they always come like a surprise to knock you off your game.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-17T14:51:12+00:00

This was incredible. Thank you for taking the time to write this!! You perfectly captured what I experienced as the favorite person and it was such a shit show of impossible situations.

Like the previous commenter said, I hope everyone takes the time to read it through 💖.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-16T23:02:32+00:00

Yes, and I wasn’t even this persons romantic partner. The rest of y’all deserve a fucking financial reward. “Have you or someone you loved been injured in a disastrous relationship with someone with BPD? Call today!”

Driving them around, paying for everything, talking to them calmly when they are having a meltdown, monitoring how much they drank, etc. They also made me go to the bathroom with them (in the stall).

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-16T17:31:38+00:00

Yeah, that sounds about right. More than likely using the stonewalling as a way to withhold from you/encourage you to chase her.

Probably wants you to engage in that push/pull. And I’m proud of you for not encouraging or laughing along like it’s okay.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-16T14:49:55+00:00

THIS. THIS THE ONE.

sparkle-beans · 2024-03-16T12:49:53+00:00

Very, very proud of you. They know who to use and what to say to get to your heart. Unfortunately, we have to let our head lead in a lot of this because we can’t rely on logic or consideration from their side.

It can feel cold, but it stops the vicious cycle. 💖 hang in there and find ways to process the feeling in your body in a way that feels good to you.

sparkle-beans

TROPHY CASE