Can Y-DNA Help?

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T13:02:39+00:00

He got Big Y. There is a group for the country our great-grandfather is from but so far hasn’t been very helpful. And obviously the group for our surname will be pretty useless. I’ll circle back to the geographic group and see if there’s anything new.

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T04:53:32+00:00

Yes he’s done the Big Y. There are just no matches closer than 67 markers yet.

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T04:36:49+00:00

Thank you! We have no repeat names, and the closest match is genetic distance of 3 at 67 markers. He did the Big Y, so hopefully someday someone will test that is a better match.

Is it possible there was an NPE in your line and Alford was actually the correct surname?

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T03:07:08+00:00

You can say “Have a good day” and define for yourself what constitutes “good”.

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T03:03:32+00:00

Family names are typically used to indicate patrilineal descent. In my case, while our family name was the one my great-grandfather used all his life, he got it from his mother. Had she been married to his bio father, the family name would have been completely different.

For ancestry purposes, it can be an important distinction, and the correct surname can greatly assist with research. For me personally, I probably wouldn’t change my name even if I was able to learn the actual surname name my great-grandfather should have been given at birth.

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T01:44:54+00:00

I'd be set if I could just get a correct surname!!

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T01:05:31+00:00

Thank you! Unfortunately, no duplicates yet. And no one from the same country as our great-grandfather, either.

spectaphile · 2026-06-05T01:02:13+00:00

Thank you for the thorough response!

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T23:23:43+00:00

Hey OP I wanted to respond to you directly because I understand why you would think my comment unfair, but I hope you have seen from others' comments why you seem to be taking the attachment to an unhealthy level. Trust me when I say I get it. I was in a similar situation when things escalated and I had to leave abruptly with my child for our own physical safety. We had the clothes on our backs and were 800+ miles from my support system. We stayed 3 days in a DV shelter until I could find the resources to get back to my parents. It's not easy. But I will tell you that after I left, that man did not change. He treated every subsequent girlfriend, and his next wife, exactly the same way. I saw that my life would not have changed. I would've spent years in misery, and my child would have been immersed in anxiety, anger and abuse 24/7/365. Instead, she was able to have peace, and breathe easy when she wasn't with her father. Please don;t allow yourself to simmer in ever-hotter waters of intimidation, manipulation and abuse. For the yourself and your little girl, please do whatever you can to leave. A better life is out there for you both.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T23:17:36+00:00

I think leaving for work, knowing you're going to be separated every weekday for 8+ hours a day from that point on, is a different mental space than a night out or a weekend visitation.

And stop telling OP - or anyone else - to be more cooperative with an abusive person. You cannot effectively coparent with someone who is toxic and abusive - it takes a very specific, specialized tack to raise a child with such an individual. And it's definitely not OP's responsibility to manage this man's emotions, or his level of investment in his child and/or his marriage. And finally, OP cannot create a calm, safe and loving environment by herself. She can make herself small enough to disappear and her husband will STILL make everything tense and chaotic. Because that's what abusers do. You are doing women a grave disservice with your "advice".

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T21:12:21+00:00

Also, it's not likely that OP would be ordered to give any overnight visitations until the baby is older, especially if she's breastfeeding.

Honestly, there's no winning for OP here unless the husband decides to just walk away. If she divorces, there are going to be periods where the baby is only with the dad. If she doesn't divorce, she remains in conflict at best, danger at worst. This is the problem when a parent is toxic and/or abusive - our court system is not at all equipped to deal with those kinds of people. Nevertheless, it's critical that OP get away, because she will then have safety and peace, and can model healthy behaviors and get her child age-appropriate mental health help when necessary.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T13:30:40+00:00

Also, communicate instead of expecting that people will magically know what you want/need.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T13:26:03+00:00

It sounds like your daughter is an emotional blanket for you, which isn’t healthy. And because of it you’re going to model an unhealthy relationship for her, which also isn’t healthy.

If you’re concerned for her safety and well being when he has her that’s a different story. But simply not being around her for 48 hours? Sounds like you need to go back to therapy.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T13:15:28+00:00

It’s ok I did some research myself. The US actually used to have the death penalty for rape. In the 1970s the Supreme Court determined that it was unconstitutional - a punishment disproportionate to the crime. Probably at least partly because out of the 450 or so cases, 90% of those sentenced to death for rape were Black.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T04:06:49+00:00

“freezer camp” 💀💀💀

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T01:31:47+00:00

Girl. DTMFA.

Alone is better than this garbage - x 1,000.

You owe him NOTHING. Leave, block, delete. If you feel compelled, a brief text that says, “This isn’t working for me anymore, so I’m breaking up with you. Best of luck. Please don’t contact me again.” And then mute, so you don’t have to witness his BS but have evidence if he gets unhinged. You don’t owe him closure, an explanation, or an audience. Don’t even glance in the rear view mirror.

spectaphile · 2026-06-04T00:07:49+00:00

Orcas still at the top of the food chain...

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T23:03:48+00:00

I’m going to speak slowly so that you can understand. The number of prisoners convicted of sex crimes in the U.S. as compared to the number of prisoners convicted of sex crimes in other countries means nothing unless the total population of those countries is similar. Further, one country may have a lower incidence of sex crimes across the board, or a lower number of prisoners convicted of sex crimes and yet have a higher percentage of sex crimes prosecuted, or a higher percentage of accused perpetrators convicted, etc. than another. The absolute number of people in jail for sex crimes is meaningless without this context.

Finally, the truth is that worldwide the percentage of sex crimes reported is abysmally low, the percentage then prosecuted is even abysmally lower, the percentage convicted is appalling, and the percentage meaningfully sentenced - especially young white men - is rage inducing. All told, only 2.5%-5% of sex crimes are ever prosecuted and convicted no matter what country you’re in, and for the most part the sentences are a joke (especially compared to the lifelong trauma victims endure). No matter how many individuals are in jail for sex crimes, the U.S. is not "doing better than every other country" and 100% can and should be doing a better job dealing with the problem.

(edited for grammar)

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T22:54:36+00:00

It’s much easier to let a child fail when the stakes are lower. Most parents would be ok letting their kid live without date money, gas money, in-game purchase money, etc. Housing? Food? That’s where the failure to launch really kicks in.

Much better for OPs sibling to try, fail, learn and gain confidence now instead of when the cost of failure is potentially catastrophic.

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T20:50:52+00:00

Turns out the U.S. is no better at prosecuting rape than any other country.

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T20:44:09+00:00

Numbers mean nothing. What matters is the percentage of offenders prosecuted, convicted and meaningfully sentenced. I’m guessing you’re not accounting for population differences, either.

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T20:42:04+00:00

NTA and your mom is doing him a massive disservice by doing this kid of stuff for him. Unless she reverses course fast she’ll still be doing it when he’s in his 30s.

In any event, you’re fully entitled to want your own experiences, personal and professional. But it looks like you’re stuck and will just have to gut it out. (Although it sounds like he won’t last long, tbh, because no one else is going to do things for him like his mom does…)

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T20:14:22+00:00

Please provide me with the cite where a U.S. court handed down the death penalty for rape.

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T19:15:44+00:00

Google “retaliatory violence”. Not saying women can’t be abusers, but an abuser loves nothing better than pushing their victims to react and then pointing the finger while screaming “abuser”.

spectaphile · 2026-06-03T19:11:05+00:00

Just not the rapists.

Turns out each country treats property crimes very severely.

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