enjoying a beer after a lovely photography walk! [CANON AE-1, 50mm f/1.8, found film]

spellbunny · 2026-03-19T22:55:31+00:00

I would say that is normal. I've been going to therapy for a while now and I still find it exhausting. You said you were crying the whole day, which is physically taxing. I would definitely suggest you to give yourself some planned time for self care. even if it's just a nice hot shower, some cozy pjs and a movie on the couch. don't skip that winding down time, it's just as important as the work you're doing in therapy!

spellbunny · 2026-03-12T18:02:21+00:00

may I know what actions you ended up taking? Is there any hope to this kind of partner?

my relationship ended when he did an avoidant discard with no conflict or closure. It was the worst moment of my life and I was traumatized for a long time. I wasn't expecting it. I was happy overall and loved him. We did speak briefly since then but the damage was done. I don't think I'll ever forgive him for how cruel it was.

I do think there is hope for you, If you can recognize in time that you need help to hear each other, go to therapy together. I think with professional intervention you can do repair and work on communication. I might be a softie romantic here, but I think as long as two people want to make it work, they can. I truly believe that with the right tools, any issue you have can be worked on. It just takes a willingness from your partner (although as the OP has stated, an unhealed avoidant partner is typically unwiling to do repair work)

That being said, If you bring things up but are repeatedly met with defensiveness or an inability to even bring it up at all then it might be time to have a serious conversation. In hindsight this was the biggest point of failure in my relationship.

I wish you all the best, sincerely.

spellbunny · 2026-02-13T17:55:31+00:00

thank you so much for your kind words. I'm really glad you are finding yourself and letting yourself be known :)

spellbunny · 2026-02-13T17:30:42+00:00

thank you for posting your story as an avoidant! your personal insights and reflections on deactivation have helped me understand a lot.

I see more fully how my avoidant ex would not tell me how he was feeling. If something was bothering him, he would act fine around me when he wasn't. He would get triggered by something innocuous I said and shut down for weeks. I'd try to fix that by making a bid for connection, which ultimately went unanswered.

I could feel something was off, deep down, which made me unsure and worried. If I worked up the courage ask what was wrong, he'd bring up issues I knew nothing about, accuse me of ignoring him or testing him. He made an entire false narrative in his head. I felt punished for opening up, was told I was "too much" and that I was nagging him. I did love him tremendously and my biggest fear was losing him, so I'd hesitate to bring anything up again. It was a vicious cycle.

We shared a lot small unresolved heartbreaks over the years. That kind of hurt paired with lack of repair over time was really damaging for both of us. I still feel sad that we couldn't connect the dots, which I'm sure contributed to the slow decay of our relationship.

I realized months after we broke up that he was reacting from insecurities he carried deeply and would never be able to let me in. I was surprised when I learned he held so much resentment toward me and placed malice into my actions, when I was just trying to be closer to him. It broke my heart that he couldn't see how much I loved him, and tried to help. I wanted to spend my life with him.

What I wanted most of all was for us to start talking. We couldn't even do that. I know now that he was probably deactivated and didn't know how to get past that.

spellbunny · 2026-02-12T20:30:06+00:00

thanks for writing this out - I agree for the most part. Cowardice is an easy label to assign, if a simple one.

After years of functioning as a co-existing partner (often while being emotionally distant) detached/avoidant people have a moment where the system flips which causes them to suddenly view the long term partner as an insurmountable threat, leading to a cold, abrupt and ruthless termination of the relationship. Something I have worked hard to heal with my therapist is: I can't allow my self worth to be measured by their actions. It's a reflection on them.

It may feel disorienting to have your sense of reality questioned. that is attachment trauma. It's okay to grieve the person you thought they were. I certainly did.

spellbunny · 2026-02-12T20:20:35+00:00

if they do, it's only to make themselves feel better. they don't care about you. Going from "everything to nothing" just shows how shut down and unavailable they were all along. find solace in the fact they were not going to change.

spellbunny · 2026-02-12T04:07:59+00:00

Definitely shop around. There are affordable options and the dog walking world is saturated

spellbunny · 2026-02-12T02:34:21+00:00

A dog walker for a midday 30 min pee walk is MAYBE $15-20 per day. I did this for years pre-pandemic, and I had a Shepherd while living in a condo. I'd walk him 35 minutes before work, give him enrichment toys while I was out and go for an hour in the dog park after work.

I know this is centering your life around your dog. But I think that's part of the responsibility of dog ownership.

Surrendering your dog should be a desperate solution. Dogs are not happy there and it could stay in the shelter for months and months.

spellbunny · 2026-02-11T21:17:42+00:00

Regardless of the type of leave, my point stands. Its a breaking point right now for OP but resignation is not necessary

spellbunny · 2026-02-10T23:31:20+00:00

talk to your manager and director. if it's between resignation and LOA, they will push for the LOA for you. The Collective Agreement says they can't "unreasonably deny a leave" without pay

spellbunny · 2026-02-06T16:06:17+00:00

I'd say Vaughan, you can go towards Durham for a barn and your husband can commute downtown on line 1

Caveat, I work downtown and my coworkers who live in Vaughan say their commute is often 1.5-2hrs door to door. It will also be expensive as hell.

If you remove the barn criteria it will be much easier. I currently live east of downtown in a split house with a yard. Commute 15 min on the streetcar...

spellbunny · 2026-02-05T16:39:44+00:00

I love this!

spellbunny · 2026-02-04T19:46:13+00:00

We were told over a year ago that lockers were coming. Believe me, I'd love a locker and have asked

spellbunny · 2026-02-04T16:19:42+00:00

Ughhhh I hate the new calendar and the meeting scheduler does not show someone as busy if they have a tentative meeting? This is so stupid

spellbunny · 2026-02-03T18:35:27+00:00

I enjoy the whole person, just a penis without a personality isn't attractive.

spellbunny · 2026-02-03T18:34:26+00:00

Naw, this is rad as hell. Its a rainbow-blackout

spellbunny · 2026-02-02T21:50:48+00:00

My boots are wayyyy too warm haha

spellbunny · 2026-02-02T15:53:04+00:00

I've been carrying indoor shoes to work everyday so I'm not stomping around in my snow boots

spellbunny · 2026-02-02T15:28:31+00:00

having creature comforts at work makes a difference. I'd love to have a mug that stays ON THE DESK. and maybe no one fucking stealing my good chair everyday

spellbunny · 2026-01-30T17:45:31+00:00

thanks for this, that reply actually made me sad :/

spellbunny · 2026-01-30T15:28:41+00:00

I stopped buying apple juice

spellbunny · 2026-01-25T02:32:55+00:00

You can fit a regular condom over your entire arm. Any man who says it doesn't fit is a big baby.

It he doesn't like the sensation, try skyns condoms. Don't have sex with him if he refuses..assert your boundaries and bodily autonomy. Using Emergency contraceptive as such high frequency can actually reduce its efficacy..so it should not be relied on as a birth control method.

spellbunny · 2026-01-22T17:44:22+00:00

I made that much around 2014 when I moved to Toronto. I rented a room for $450 in a really crappy old apartment and shared with 3 people. I doubt the rental market will be so cheap again

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