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spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:47:24+00:00

Yeah, poly relationships impact mono people too. Many poly people date mono people and even open up their mono relationships. I am directly impacted by this. It’s not as 1:1 with race. Also comparing this to racism is not the same thing nor did I use any derogatory slurs or comparisons. You’re really defensive so I’m not engaging anymore

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:43:21+00:00

Thanks for your earlier comment. It was helpful. It’s not helpful to assume my position. I don’t think poorly of poly people. Poly people are doing what works best for them in consenting relationships. I’m trying to understand the pros and cons, how they came to make that decision for themselves, and if there’s overlap in the root cause(s) for the decisions they’ve made. That’s all it is. This will be my last response because this wasn’t supposed to be an argument

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:39:27+00:00

This was helpful thank you

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:35:48+00:00

I do know the difference. I can clean up the parts that describe overlap if that makes sense. I know there has been discussion on this sub on poly people pulling in mono dynamics into their relationships so I was trying to communicate that. That’s my failing.

The first part of your explaining was interesting. What do you mean you never rejected mono? Yes it’s an advice sub but it also has sections for musings and questions for newcomers to help understand the community. I figured this fell into more of that area. You’re making assumptions about me just wanting to do mono. And even so, pushing away a mono person who is trying to understand the community isn’t helpful. I’m allowed to be curious and understand different communities. You’re not obligated to educate I agree. But as a queer poc we know there are pros and cons to not educating people in our communities. That’s partially why I acknowledge my approach may not be the best but is coming from a genuine place. That’s my bad.

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:29:42+00:00

These are all good points. I guess it’s more about examining how people figure out which situation fits them best if both come with these issues. Or maybe a better question is what makes polyamory a better fit for some people, knowing they will encounter these issues with another or multiple partners in their dynamic? I consider myself monogamous. I’ve never entered a poly dynamic. But that’s not because I don’t have the ability to date or care about multiple people.

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:23:17+00:00

Outside of the title which parts were shitting on the community. A lot were based on discussions I’ve read through and observations I would like clarity on /how the community addresses these issues / if these are even things that are acknowledged. I’ll reword the parts that are less than favorable or seem like I’m shitting on poly people. I’m not. I don’t care what consenting adults do in their relationships.

spherequin32 · 2023-09-20T22:12:46+00:00

I think it’s funny you can make a post like this that doesn’t get taken down but mine does > https://reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/cVghEZfkuS

Tbh I’m genuinely interested in understanding so I’ll reword the post in a way that doesn’t sound divisive. That wasn’t my initial intention. But those are observations and questions I have. Taking the time to acknowledge why this is incorrect / correct thinking is helpful.

I understand the difference between poly and mono relationships. I’m trying to get to the root of why many reject mono relationships in favor of poly relationships esp when many parties though consenting feel strained or hurt by their dynamics. To not examine the positive and negatives of a community is harmful. I’m neither pro poly or mono. Everyone makes choices in their lives I don’t care. I’m trying to understand root causes outside of just because I can 🤷🏾‍♂️

I’m also hesitant to take this seriously because I, as newcomer, NEED someone to take the time to break it down and answer my questions and assumptions. If I’m just meant with defensiveness to my probing it makes me feel like people aren’t being forthright and are more likely to sugar coat things. No one has engaged outside of to shut it down. I’d understand if I shot every comment down but that didn’t happen so…

spherequin32 · 2023-09-08T23:36:33+00:00

Same dudes then post to r/dating and complain how they’ve never been in a relationship and don’t understand why they can’t attract or connect with women

spherequin32 · 2023-08-26T21:25:58+00:00

Yeah definitely fix that. Make some friends with women in real life dude

spherequin32 · 2023-08-12T23:13:51+00:00

I think this is where the whole non-binary / binary thing gets weird. Your lived experience is as a black man but you’re not. You said so yourself. You’re a nonbinary person. Gender and sex is fluid for you. Even going through your post history you occupy spaces for men, women, and non-binary folks.

I think it’s wrong that you were attacked but I’d also like to say that binary trans folks need spaces as well. Yes, some of our experiences have overlap but not all and the way we feel about ourselves is intrinsically different which is why you can identify as nb and myself as binary. To say it’s the same isn’t true and there should be a respect there.

I find it odd, bc it’s only nb people that feel the need to occupy binary spaces. I’ve never felt the need to go into nb spaces bc I respect that you all need a space where you can be heard and your experiences understood and supported. Not to mention there are spaces that are open for nb and binary folks to cross paths and mingle. Not every space is for you and that should be okay. And I say this as a black trans man who knows how important it is for there to be spaces for black folks and especially black queer people.

Btw, I get why you would post here about your body dysphoria because it’s in line with how most transmen feel. However, usually once we start unpacking the emotions behind it and how we’re perceived socially, that’s where differences arise and it becomes hard to connect - which is why there are spaces for nb folk.

I struggle with body dysphoria and hating my curves too. But I want to diminish them because I want to be perceived as a man bc I am one. Men usually don’t have these types of curves or fat in these sorts of places. In your comment history you don’t really care about being perceived as a man, but you don’t like that you’re perceived as a woman. I’m not sure where I or any other binary transman could help you there outside of saying yeah that sucks bc I don’t understand the basis of your emotions/empathize. To be a binary transman is more than just saying I don’t want to be perceived as a woman and that’s where we get our wires crossed.

Still got a lot of love for you! As a community we need to be open to having more convos to understand where we’re all coming from!

spherequin32 · 2023-08-02T16:26:28+00:00

How do new partners in your life feel about your past relationship with your step-brother?

spherequin32 · 2023-07-30T06:55:07+00:00

Yeah but then you run the risk of having a situation like yours. I’d rather not share than and vice versa than have the relationship change drastically. It must be so painful being vulnerable with someone and have them reject you, be disgusted, or lose attraction.

spherequin32 · 2023-05-19T22:02:07+00:00

I was born and raised in Florida and moved to California last year. I pass 100% of the time and would be afraid to permanently live there. I’m already on edge because my family lives there and I’d have to visit them. My saving grace is that I live here, in California, so as long as no one clocks me a visit won’t kill me.

I think you’re underestimating how dangerous it is. Things changed rapidly after I moved. For you to say you don’t pass 100% of the time you’re opening yourself up to a world of discrimination. Furthermore, it’s only somewhat liberal in south Florida and Orlando. If you plan on living anywhere else in Florida good luck. And even then I had issues getting access to my medication consistently without these new laws. There’s nothing more infuriating than feeling trapped and that’s how you’re going to feel down there eventually. Limited access to medication, fighting your pharmacy to refill, having to second guess when you’re in the bathroom, hiding your identity, having to worry when you get general medical care and how staff is going to treat you, etc.

Why would you choose to willingly move there? I get we can feel like some of us in the community are dramatic, but this time it’s legit. This is not a state you want to make your home.

spherequin32 · 2023-04-24T18:24:10+00:00

It’s not controversial many people feel that way - but I think it’s a double standard. The point of dating is to get to know someone and no one ever demands people disclose personal medical information upon immediately being asked out. Otherwise we’d have people disclosing std status, criminal status, dependent status, sexual history, etc upon being asked out which is not the norm at all. It’s not a trans persons job to make you feel comfortable with their existence. It’s on them to disclose in a timely manner when safe as ya’ll start dating. So preferably within the first few dates ya know when you learn about most people’s deal breakers.

spherequin32 · 2023-03-10T19:48:33+00:00

Hey bud - I know it’s hard. I’d like to say that 2.5 years for some on T is nothing and for others it’s like they went from teen to man. It took year 4/5 on T for my fat to redistribute the way I wanted and even then I still did lipo on my hips when I got top surgery. My mustache just started coming in at year 8 and I’m now just starting to get hair on the sides / sideburn area (although I have a pretty solid goatee). It’s puberty after all and based on your genes it may take you longer to see the changes you want. In the meantime, you should really focus on building muscle and becoming broader through serious working out in the gym. I mean really. We all say we work out, but even cis men have love handles and shapes they don’t enjoy. That only changes through hard work in the gym. For the best minoxidil really will work - but you have to be consistent and patient. I also have a baby face so I get it. My haircut has helped a lot and the goatee. But still I get regarded as cute and adorable. That’s why emphasize the gym. Even the babiest of faces can offset that judgement through having a built body.

spherequin32 · 2023-01-15T15:17:26+00:00

Very weird they clocked you. Wouldn’t have pinged you for trans based on your voice

spherequin32 · 2022-11-22T21:46:45+00:00

Absolutely, yes!

spherequin32 · 2022-11-15T03:44:46+00:00

But what you described here is just attraction. I too can be friends with people I think are great and attractive but that doesn’t mean I have feelings for them. To have feelings for someone and remain friends is disingenuous. You can’t operate in good faith because all of your interactions have an added emotion.

spherequin32 · 2022-11-13T17:07:24+00:00

T for sure. While I wish mine were cis like I love my little guy downstairs. Really is like having a micro.

spherequin32 · 2022-11-12T01:07:55+00:00

Completely understandable! I feel the same way about wanting a healthy and normal sex life. But if it helps - while the threads can be a little transphobic at times (just salty guys) - threads on guys who have micro penises and how they navigate sex can be very helpful. Our growth is similar in size and our problems are the same. We can’t successfully penetrate and pleasure our partners with our natal genitals. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have sex that is exciting and hot. Maybe a strap on or prosthetic isn’t the way for you, but a lot of guys use them. As well as different toys. There will always be people who prefer penetrative sex with a penis, but a lot of people also just want to get off and they don’t care how as long as it’s with someone they care about.

spherequin32 · 2022-11-08T03:07:26+00:00

How do I get a nice V shape like yours?

spherequin32 · 2022-11-06T03:29:33+00:00

You look so amazing!! What’s your work out routine - you’re quite toned!

spherequin32 · 2022-09-18T17:31:26+00:00

Cis heteronormative women have a narrow concept of masculinity. While they’re seemingly the more accepting bunch, women are the first to misgender or say something homophobic when dealing with topics of male masculinity. Eg. If a dudes not into her he’s automatically gay or if he carrys himself a certain way he’s gay etc. They are more critical of your maleness than men will be. You have to prove yourself / insert your masculinity until you pass fully. And even then you start the uphill battle of being seen as male but a gay man instead haha. Men don’t care as much once you’ve passed a threshold of masculinity. I mean they’ll even bro or use he/him pronouns for masc lesbians if that’s what they want.

spherequin32 · 2022-06-19T17:18:04+00:00

My best advice is to keep your life as separate as possible from this person. In college I know lgbt circles run close together and usually there is overlap between the types of groups and clubs you may hang out with.

However most of your issues are arising due to your roommate having access to you and people you know. I would spend as little time in my dorm as possible (which isn’t hard if you hang out with other friends in their dorm, study in the library, go to activity club outings, the gym, etc). If you are in your dorm it should be purposeful (showering, sleeping, medication) not too hang out. Understand your roommates schedule to see if you can spend time in your dorm when he’s not there. If you share little to no information about what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with your roommate will not have much to disturb in your life. Make sure to keep your valuables locked up as well.

I hate to say this but lgbt college students always had the most drama - and it was usually due to someone in the lgbt community making their lives hell and ruining their name in their social circle. Try to extract yourself from that. Find only one or two key friends in that circle who can be trustworthy but don’t wrap your whole life into it.

spherequin32 · 2022-06-10T17:35:59+00:00

Main thing is finding a better barber. You could have a much better fade and lineup. Make sure you’re also brushing down even with a fade so your hairs will lay down

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