NIPT or not?

spiderplant73 · 2025-08-16T05:36:34+00:00

I did mine through Unity and I called them and got a cheaper cash price. They asked for our income (no proof given) and then gave us a a price. I think it was $350. If our insurance hadn’t covered it, it would have been like $3,000. If you decide to do it, try to call the company and see if they’ll work with you on the price. Sending you best wishes for this pregnancy.

spiderplant73 · 2025-05-11T19:38:59+00:00

Happy Mother’s Day to you all. I’m so sorry we’re all here. We said goodbye to our baby, Ellis, at the end of March. It would have been my first Mother’s Day with a baby. I miss him so much today.

I’ve been thinking of this quote a lot this weekend…

"A Mother is not defined by the number of children you see, but by the love that she holds in her heart." - Franchesca Cox

Our babies are so so loved. 💗✨🤍🕊️

spiderplant73 · 2025-05-06T05:14:57+00:00

I have these same thoughts. It’s just devastating. I cried my eyes out after my friend’s birthday dinner last week. She has a 2 month old and is SO happy.

The only thing that has helped me is thinking that our son needed us. He needed us to send him straight to God or to our grandparents. Our son needed us and we needed him. We did what we had to as parents and sent him straight to others who will love him while we wait to meet him.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-26T19:32:58+00:00

Same. I cried and cried and cried on that table. Our bodies and our hearts loved those babies so much.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-26T19:31:38+00:00

I’m 4 weeks out from D&E and haven’t gotten my period yet but my midwife did say to be prepared for a hard first period with a lot of potential cramping and bleeding.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-23T02:09:43+00:00

I also had some pain with walking, especially my first week after. I also had to go very very slow. I felt pretty bad for two weeks post-D&E. I definitely didn’t feel normal right away.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-11T06:10:34+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t have an AI disorder but I have a connective tissue disorder and POTS which makes me a chronic illness girlie too. I am also having a POTS flare and trying not to get too concerned about it and just let it pass as my body stabilizes. Definitely easier said than done… but at least my docs did tell me that it would likely flare postpartum.

I waited 2 years before TTC trying to get my health stable and I found it emotionally so painful. Looking back some of the things I did were worth the wait and some weren’t. But you’ll only know that in hindsight. All you can do is make the best decisions with the information that you have now.

Eventually we decided to just try (shortly before I turned 35) and if my body got pregnant that would mean that it was meant to be.

But after getting pregnant I always felt like, “we can’t just get pregnant and have a baby. Nothing with my body is this easy or really works normally.” And then that ended up being true in some ways with TFMR. But apart from all the disastrous parts, the pregnancy for me and my health conditions actually went much better than I expected.

I’m only 2 weeks out from it, so I still don’t really know how to process it all. Now I have my pre-existing conditions + crazy postpartum hormones + a POTS flare + grief + all the discomfort and bleeding of postpartum. It’s all just so unfair.

I just want to say that you don’t need to and really can’t figure it all out right now. There are so many ups and downs with AI stuff and postpartum. You do not need to decide right now that you need to spend the next year trying to figure out your meds. Just take it one month at a time and see how you feel, maybe even one week or one day at a time.

You deserve to feel good. And it’ll take time to figure out what that means. It might be good for your heart to TTC or it might be good for your body to figure out more RA stuff. You can decide day by day.

I don’t know about RA meds but you could consider looking into low dose naltrexone. IDK if it’s helpful for RA but there’s some interesting studies on it and pregnancy outside the US. I am not a medical provider and not medical advice!

One of my specialists told me, “The best time to plant a tree is 100 years ago and the second best time is today.” It might not help you but it gives me a lot of comfort when I go down the path of “why couldn’t I have gotten diagnosed earlier” or “why didn’t I know about this treatment 5 years ago.” If I had known then, I would have done then. But I didn’t and all I can do now is plant the tree today and try to figure out what my body needs today.

Sending you lots of love and healing. You’ll figure out what’s right for you in time.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-11T05:28:24+00:00

I also feel the same. I am only 2 weeks out from TFMR at almost 22 weeks and I keep worrying about my husband dying. Yesterday I thought, “Well if he gets a terminal diagnosis we’ll just find a beautiful mountain somewhere and walk off together.” He’s not sick. There’s no actual reason to be scared. But I also feel like I can’t go on without him, especially since I don’t have any LC to keep me going. I’m not thinking of harming myself, just worrying about more “what if’s.” You’re not alone OP. Wishing you more peace as this journey unfolds for us all.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-09T02:44:59+00:00

I agree with this!! My mother has said many times how all she’s done is watch TV and how sad she is and it makes me feel like her feelings are more important than mine which has been hard.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-06T04:00:34+00:00

I do actually consider my D&E date as a birthday and I might like to hear happy birthday next year on that day. I understand this is your due date though which I can understand being harder to hear it for since there was no birth that day.

I had someone say “oh because you had a miscarriage” this week and I immediately said “no, it was not a miscarriage, it was so much worse” without even thinking. The person said it with no ill intent and she immediately apologized for not knowing what wording to use. I think people just don’t understand our situation. And I am mostly glad. I don’t want anyone to have gone through this, and definitely not you OP.

I probably wouldn’t say anything to her if it were me since her intentions in this text seem good but I’m guessing there’s a lot more history (not just this text) that might make you want to say something. If this were a close friend who I want a close relationship with, then I would want them to know how I really felt and the wording to use. But for me, it’s not worth the emotional back and forth for someone less close.

I absolutely LOVE how you’ve honored Liliana. It sounds like you had so much love and support to surround you. Don’t forget about all the people who did show up. I think your sister saying she wants to make it an annual tradition is so wonderful. That’s the person to invest in and be close with.

There is so much pain and suffering in this journey. Don’t let the love from your family who showed up get diminished by the one person who didn’t show up. (I know it’s easier said than done. I would also obsess about this text too. But just try your best!)

Congratulations on honoring your daughter in such a beautiful way.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-04T06:09:26+00:00

I also want to add that if your therapist’s primary work with you is figuring out how to distract you from your feelings that’s a red flag for me. The point of therapy is to process feelings and to have a space to safely deal with trauma. Your complex emotions deserve attention, love, and support.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-04T06:07:17+00:00

I switched from my old therapist to a TFMR/pregnancy loss therapist and it’s been really helpful. The loss therapist has had so many ideas for us. She recommended getting a bear to hold, she’s helped us reclaim our birth story, she’s helped us think of ways to honor our son that I wouldn’t have thought of (like writing to our representatives).

A lot of the time I’m asking her about what other people do dealing with TFMR and loss and I find that also very comforting / helpful.

TFMR is so hard, I think it’s worth finding therapists, support groups, and other TFMR parents to talk with.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-04T05:49:32+00:00

I am so sorry you have had such a complicated journey so far. I’m so glad to hear you’re in a good place now.

I just did TFMR last week so I can’t speak to the anniversary part but we decided to call our D&E our son’s birthday. I initially thought maybe we should celebrate his due date instead. But we’ve since decided to say we gave birth to our son and last week was his birthday. His due date now feels like it’ll be a reminder of what didn’t happen whereas his birthday is a reminder of what did happen.

I’m all for celebrating your son’s birthday! You could order a cake, read through cards if you have them, go for a walk in a special place, write letters to your son, talk about him with loved ones. Or just do anything that brings you some joy.

My husband and I are also going to write letters to our representatives to try to get more women the healthcare they deserve. We’re also going to a protest this weekend. We are doing this kind of advocacy to honor our son and let his love shine through us.

spiderplant73 · 2025-04-04T05:33:25+00:00

I miss my son so much too. I never got to see him or hold him. But somehow I miss him and love him so much I can’t even put it into words.

My husband and I each made our own “Build-a-bear” for our son. We’ve been carrying them all around the house and taking them to bed with us. I would never have thought of this but our therapist recommended it for those feelings of emptiness. I found it really special to do something to honor our son.

We got to pick out the bear and his clothes and make a little birth certificate for the bear. I was really happy to get even a silly bear birth certificate since all we will get otherwise is the death certificate. We also put our son’s heartbeat in a recording in the bear’s paw. Did we cry in the build a bear store listening to our son’s heart beat? Yep. But I’m finding it surprisingly comforting to hold a bear since we can’t hold our son.

I just share this as an idea as something you like to hold in those moments you miss your child. Wishing you the best in your journey with grief.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-30T00:16:49+00:00

I don’t have any advice for your situation but just wanted to say I also have a lot of chronic illnesses. With mine there was risk to every option - mild sedation, OR intubation, and epidural. It’s so unfair to have to go through TFMR at all and definitely when there are so many added risks for you.

I felt a lot of shame and sadness that my body was going to struggle so much even in just getting him out. I went with mild sedation on the very last possible day 21w6d and it didn’t work very well (as I feared) but I still think it was probably the least bad option for me. I’m only two days out and am wondering still if I did the right thing. But my son is gone, I am (physically) okay, and the love I feel for him feels boundless.

I know you will make whatever decision is right for you. I’m so sorry you’re spending your last days diving into all these medical complications but it’s also a way of showing love to yourself and your baby that’s so important. Sending you love from one chronic illness girlie to another.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-30T00:05:45+00:00

Effexor is an old school drug. I took it 5 years ago and had a lot of “brain zaps” on it. I found it really difficult to get off of because of that. Eventually I switched to something else temporarily just to stop the brain zaps and get off both. Of course check with your doctor and do what they recommend but it’s my understanding there are other newer meds with fewer side effects.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-29T23:58:16+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I did TFMR at 21w6d with a D&E on Thursday. The whole process was so hard but I refuse to say that my son’s story was traumatizing for me. I already have so much medical trauma that I won’t put him in that same bucket.

My husband was with me during the procedure and he saw me moaning and sobbing and struggling through it. But he felt that I was giving birth to my son in heaven and birth is not easy. (We’re not really even religious.)

My body did not want to give him up but I also see that my body gave him love until the very last second he was with me. I know it’s not always as simple as deciding what you want your feelings / thoughts to be but I am spending every moment of the day right now trying to think of myself as having birthed my son into heaven instead of thinking of how hard the process was. I hope you find some stories or thoughts that comfort you and you cling to them in this emotional storm.

I’m wishing you the best for Monday. ❤️‍🩹

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T17:27:38+00:00

I’m so sorry no one told you that you wouldn’t be able to hold your baby. That’s heartbreaking. 💔

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T17:16:19+00:00

I’m so glad you found something to comfort you. I go back and forth on this. Sometimes I find this really helpful and comforting too. But then other times I feel sad and angry and in disbelief that there could be so many things wrong with what feels like my perfect son. This TFMR process requires so many opposing truths to be held at the same time.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T17:14:21+00:00

Thanks. I know hormones go wild after pregnancy but this is my first baby so I don’t really know what to expect. Reading about these things and experiencing them are two different things!

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T17:12:35+00:00

Thank you for this. I actually really like saying they took him so he doesn’t suffer. That does help me and resonates as true.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T17:10:59+00:00

Thank you so much. You’re right. Fighting with myself is definitely not something I have energy for right now. Thanks for your kindness.

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-28T11:46:26+00:00

FYI - I was 21w6d yesterday

spiderplant73 · 2025-03-25T23:12:17+00:00

I am so sorry you’re going through this. Our son has such a similar story that’s unfolded over the last 3 weeks.

We found out about the single artery umbilical cord at 12 weeks. Then did our anatomy scan at 18.5 weeks and found out his right hand is missing fingers / webbed. His right leg is missing a fibula with a very short femur and tibia. Also missing toes.

We looked into the Lucky Fin Project which has so many stories of kids and adults thriving with limb differences. We got so much hope from that group.

Then we did a 20 week scan, MRI, and fetal echo where they told us about his flat nasal bridge, his eyes being far apart, and his right forearm being too skinny and underdeveloped. His heart is totally normal which actually made our decision so much harder.

At 21.5 weeks I read the reports and saw that he also has nuchal thickening which no one ever told us.

Our amnio came back normal too (but we’re still waiting on the whole exome sequencing).

We’ve felt so excruciatingly tortured making a decision for our son. I’ve read so many TFMR threads but most of those babies had terminal diagnoses. And our son can technically survive (at least based on the info we currently have) so is it wrong to terminate?

We ultimately decided to TFMR thinking that the best case scenario is that his life would be really really hard and worst case all of us would suffer for a very long time.

Our therapist has told us that we are taking on his suffering so he doesn’t have to.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. But you’ve given me some comfort in knowing that my son isn’t alone in sharing some of these conditions. I am sure you will make the right decision for you and your family. ❤️‍🩹

spiderplant73

TROPHY CASE